Heaven's Ablaze - Chapter 19
Title:: Heaven's Ablaze
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Links
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 13 - Bath Tubs
Chapter 14 - Labyrinth
Chapter 15 - Pure Mornings
Chapter 16 - Angels
Chapter 17 Angels
Chapter 18 - Coffee
Chapter 19 - Refuge
I spent New Years with Ben and his family, rather than intrude once again on April’s hospitality, though I was thoroughly scolded for doing so, both by April herself and by Bam, who thought I was mad for avoiding an excuse for us to spend the night in his room.
But I hadn’t seen Ben since before Christmas - I hadn’t seen him since my Birthday, come to think of it - and I felt that I had a duty to fulfill. Not that seeing him was merely a duty. My friendship with Ben ran deep - so deep that sometimes most people couldn’t see it - but it was definitely there. He was the only person to take an interest in me, the only person to even partly understand me, and he’d been there since I first came to West Chester.
I’d watched him struggle through college, through jobs and relationships and I was there when he failed at one thing, when he succeeded at another, and I’d watch him settle down, become a husband and now a father. He’d been there to see me struggle through meaningless job after job, through hangover after hangover, drunken nights and he’d endured my rages and my cynicism and hopelessness without even beating an eye. It was Ben who convinced me to give up cocaine - or rather, who made me realize that I wanted to give it up more than anything -, Ben who got me job after job, Ben who let me crash at his house when I was thrown out by landlord after landlord and Ben who laughed with me, yelled with me, cried with me sometimes.
So I went to see him; I called him up, invited myself over for New Years. His wife - Sarah, a sweet, pretty girl, who was hilarious and just as crazy as Ben himself - thought that it was a good idea, and so I went.
It wasn’t a crazy party. They had a baby girl, who adored me for reasons that I never could nor never will understand, and it was this little girl - Tamara - who I spent most of my time with when I first got to their house, whilst Sarah and Ben were in the kitchen, cooking. What happened was this: I arrived, they let me in, and, after the obligatory happy greetings, hugs, kisses, handshakes, exchange of wine, Sarah handed me her baby and said, “Ville, be a darling and keep Tammy occupied whilst we get dinner?”
What choice did I have? At first, I was scared I would drop her, break her, destroy her or something, but when I said this, Sarah laughed from the kitchen and said,
“Ville, she’s a toddler. They bounce, they don’t break.”
So I was stuck with her. Whilst I romped around on the floor, played hide and seek, put on a play with her stuffed animals for her, tickled, sang, told stories, bounced, cuddled - even kissed - her, I was aware of her parents watching me with some sort of awe.
Because of course, if this had been a little more than a year before, I would have turned and fled from any sign of babies.
I was aware of this. It felt weird, to be around something so young and pure - completely pure - and to be interacting with it so freely and unabashedly. But I enjoyed it. I honestly did. And that felt weird.
Divided we stand in the light of a frozen sun
When I sat up from where I was laying next to her on the floor, reading a Winnie the Pooh book to her, as Sarah announced dinner was ready, my cheeks were flushed and I think both I and Tamara were exhausted.
“That, Valo, was quite impressive,” Ben said, dryly, dishing out my food.
I shrugged.
“She’s a cute kid,” I said, as if that was an explanation.
“She is, isn’t she?” You can never compliment a baby too much for it’s parents.
Dinner passed quickly, and soon I was being delegated the job of putting Tamara to bed after Sarah had her ready.
When I came down from her room, smiling slightly, I sat across from Ben and Sarah in an armchair.
“Ville, really, you should settle down. Find someone, get a kid. You’d be great.” This was Sarah’s suggestion. Ben raised an eyebrow at me. I frowned, bit my lip.
“I dunno. I’m not really interested right now…”
“You were doing great with Tam,” she continued. I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I hated these talks. “And if you found the right person, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to get a kid. It’s a lot easier for gay couples to do that nowadays.”
“That’s not the problem, Sarah. Look, I’m just… not interested. You know me. I’ve never… I… just… no.” I shook my head, frowning, looking around for something to say, anything, besides that. Thankfully, Ben saved me by starting to talk about Tamara’s developments, that weird glaze of New-Father coating his eyes. It amused me, and it also relieved me.
Because of course, Ben knew exactly what was going on between me and Bam. He’d known, I think, since before we did, since the night when Bam came back to my house after Jenn had dumped him. And whilst I had a feeling I was going to be subject to that inevitable lecture at some point in time, I wasn’t nearly drunk enough for it.
We talked and laughed and danced and screwed around until 12, when we kissed and hugged and greeted the new year with a resounding cheer, and the happiness lasted until about 1, when we were all sitting exhausted in their comfortable chairs, sipping at wine. By the silence that fell over the room, I could tell what was going to come next. If I had thought there was a way to avoid it, I would have. But this had to have out, and what better time than the present?
“Where were you at Christmas, Ville? We tried to call you but you weren’t home,” Sarah asked, her head leaning on Ben’s shoulder tiredly.
“I was at Bam’s,” I said. Ben raised an eyebrow.
“The whole time?”
“Mm, I spent the night there on Christmas Eve. It’s kind of a tradition.”
“I see,” Sarah said. “That’s cool. So what, they’re kind of like a second family for you, huh?”
“You could say that,” I said, shrugging, looking at Ben suspiciously. Surely he wouldn’t bring this up in front of Sarah… would he?
“I’d say they were a good bit more to you than just family. Or at least some of them, eh, Valo?”
I sighed. Apparently, he would.
“What do you mean, Ben?” I played ignorant, hoping it might throw him off.
Not a chance.
“I mean, you blatantly have feelings and bond stronger than familial ones with at least one member of that family, and don’t even try to deny it, Valo. I’ve got you figured out. Nor are either one of you very good at hiding it.”
I sighed. Bugger, I thought. There was no escaping. Nor was there a question of lying. Ben could always tell when I was lying. Sarah looked confused; I hoped she would stay that way, but I didn’t really think this could be done without her figuring out.
“So what if I have, Ben?”
“Well it’s not like I can do anything about it, I just think you’re a fucking idiot for it.”
“Wait, wait, what’s going on?” Sarah was looking between us, our eyes locked fiercely, trying to stare each other down.
“Ville’s in love with Bam,” Ben said bluntly. I rolled my eyes at the sharpness of his voice, but it was a cover for the weird sense of fear I had at her face - a picture of shock. And not of the pleasant variety.
“Thanks, Ben,” I said, looking down at my glass.
“Well, you are, aren’t you?” His tone was accusatory, and I wanted to hit him, because I didn’t want to be told that it was wrong, I was perfectly aware of that myself.
“I dunno, maybe… okay, so yes. But …”
Ben sighed, bit his lip gently. He looked at a loss for words. I was too. We just stared at each other. Shut up, I was telling him with my eyes, shut up shut up shut up, let me be happy about this.
“But Bam doesn’t know, does he? I mean, its all very well if you’re in love with him, but you can’t…”
“Course Bam knows,” Ben said, scoffing. “It’s blatantly obvious. Bam knows and Bam feels exactly the same way. Doesn’t he?”
I nodded. It was the only thing I could do.
Sarah stared.
“But you two… you two aren’t…”
I nodded again.
“Yes, we are.” Whatever she was going to say, we probably were doing it. Of course, that didn’t include doing it because there was no way in hell I was going to do that with Bam. Not then. Not like that.
She stared at me. Ben sighed.
“Ville, you know you’re fucking dumb, right?”
We steal the fire from a sacred heart
And bleed the wine unholy
“Cuz you really had to tell me that. God. Ben, I know it’s stupid. And I know it’s wrong and horrible and disgusting and all that shit. But… don’t you see? He… he makes me happy. And I love him. And … “ I sighed, just shook my head. I didn’t know what else to say.
“But what about him?” said Sarah, quietly. “He’s only 16, isn’t he? Ville, he’s still a kid!”
“I know,” I said, sighing again. “Trust me, I know. Look, I tried to stop it. You know? I tried. I tried to push him away, I tried to tell him it wouldn’t work, I tried to ignore him and I tried to forget him but I couldn’t! He wouldn’t let me. He… I… I don’t know… I don’t care about that anymore.”
“But you have to! Ville, its illegal.”
“I know!” I shouted. I didn’t mean to shout. “I fucking know all that. But… you don’t get it! I love him. I … Ben, you remember, you remember when all I wanted to do was die and be done with it, don’t you?!”
He nodded. Of course he remembered. How many times had he called me just before I was about to do something drastic? How many times? Neither of us knew anymore. We lost track, and we decided to forget about it.
“I don’t feel like that anymore, and it’s because of Bam. And… I … I think he might need me too. In a way.” I bit my lip even more, clenched my fists.
They said nothing. I bit my lip even harder. Tasted blood.
Tamara started crying; none of us moved.
Then suddenly, Sarah snapped out of whatever trance we’d been in, looked at me seriously.
“Be careful Ville. You have got to be careful. For Bam’s sake, for your sake. Be careful.” And with that, she left the room to soothe Tamara.
“You think I’m the stupidest fucker alive, don’t you?”
“Ville, I just know this is all going to go wrong, and when it does, I know you’re going to be worse than ever, and I don’t want to see that happen to you.”
“Why will it all go wrong? It’s fine right now. Maybe… maybe it won’t go wrong. You know, you never know…”
“Ville. Please. Be straight with yourself. It’s hopeless, and you know it. Enjoy it now, while you can, but please, listen to what Sarah said. Be careful.”
I nodded.
I knew he wanted me to get out of it. I knew he wanted me to break it off, to never see Bam again, and to do it of my own accord, so that it wouldn’t be such a blow.
And I should have listened to him. I should have, but once again, that little voice plugged itself into an amplifier and overpowered his voice of impeccable reason. Don’t turn back now, Ville, it said, you deserve this, this is your right, it’s all going to be fine, it’s all yours now, all the glories of love are in your hands, enjoy it now, because you deserve it after all you’ve been through.
We fall in love with the serpent’s song
And fear nothing
On their request, I brought Bam along with me to see them the next time I went.
I told him in the car on the way over that they knew, that it was okay, that we could be however we wanted around them, and it was up to him and what he was comfortable with as to what we did and how we acted.
He nodded quietly, looking out the window.
“You okay, sweetheart?”
“I’m fine.” He squeezed my hand to prove it.
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want, you know.”
“Nah, I want to. I like Ben. I just… you know… it’ll be weird… not to have to… hide.”
I bit my lip, squeezed his hand.
“I know, sweetheart. But it’ll be good, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling at me, leaning over to kiss my cheek. I smiled, turned into their driveway, took his hand before walking to their front door and ringing the doorbell.
“Bam, remember. It’s all down to whatever you’re comfortable with, okay?” He nodded, squeezed my hand, and left his in it. I warmed at that.
Sarah opened the door and just stood there for a split second, just staring at us. I thought she was going to do something, something like scream or glare or yell at us for being disgusting and weird, but after that split second - which, I thought, dragged on for centuries - a huge smile spread across her face, and I think both Bam and I heaved a huge sigh of relief as we crossed the threshold into the house.
We hide behind the Crimson Door
“So, you’re the infamous Bam,” Sarah said, smiling at him, taking his coat. They’d never met before. “I’ve heard all about you. I just want to ask you not to leave my house in shambles. I’m sure if you manage that, then we’ll get along just fine.”
I laughed and kissed Bam’s blushing cheek. He smiled at that, and smiled at her kindly smile, and the ice was broken. Just like that.
It was a fun night. It genuinely actually was. Bam - as I knew from the beginning, of course - was perfectly capable of getting along just as well with adults as with people his own age, and as usual he was quite the life of the party. Tamara liked him, but she liked me better, which I teased him about endlessly. We sat in the living room, Sarah and Ben on the sofa whilst Bam and I crammed into an armchair, Bam sitting on my lap, bouncing around a bit whilst he talked. Sometimes I just sat back and watched him talk, because it was just as much fun to watch him talk as to talk with him.
It made me think how lucky I was to have him. How lucky I was to have someone like him, who could always pick me up no matter what. His happiness was contagious, and it was always there. I was content whenever he was around, and halfway through the evening, when I was holding the sleeping Tamara in my arms and Bam was bouncing on my knees, telling a joke that made Ben and Sarah crack up laughing, I felt ready to explode with happiness.
I felt like… like I couldn’t handle anymore. My happiness receptors were going full capacity and it was a high that beat any of the highs I ever got from cocaine.
It was amazing, it was always amazing, it would never, ever stop being amazing.
Drunk on shadows and lost in a life,
Devils dance while angels smile
Drunk on shadows and lost in a life.
I handed Sarah her baby to wrap my arms around Bam, to pull him closer to me. He turned to look at me as I did this, and we locked eyes, and for that split second of eye contact I was in complete and utter heaven. He looked so happy, I was so happy, and … nothing will ever beat that moment. Nothing. Not even when he leant over to kiss me quickly on the lips, to murmur I love you in my ear before going back to his story, not even that meant as much to me as that split second of eye contact before.
It was the first time I’d felt like that in my entire life, and I was an idiot, just like Ben said, to expect that kind of happiness to last.
He fell asleep on my shoulder, having exhausted himself in his excited conversation, and having been up to all hours of the night every night that week, doing homework. When I realized, I smiled and moved a bit to make sure he was comfortable, and then looked to Ben and Sarah.
"Well?" I asked them, raising an eyebrow.
They didn't say anything at first, just looked at the two of us.
And then Ben had to shake his head, and Sarah smiled a bit.
"You know, if you weren't almost twice his age, I'd say you two were a match made in heaven or something," Sarah said, almost reluctantly. I smiled, thanked her silently. She could have focused on the bad things: the first part of her sentence, for instance. Almost twice his age. I was almost, wasn't I? Ugh. I hated that thought.
"Just take care, Ville. He really does like you. Be careful." I knew that already. But I just nodded, kissed his forehead, held him close.
"Are you taking him home now?" Sarah wanted to know, looking at him much like you would look at a sleeping 5 year old - that soft look of motherhood coming into her eyes. Which annoyed me a bit; he was mine to take care of. Or something. I don’t know why it annoyed me. I wasn't making sense at all those days.
"No, he's spending the night at mine." They nodded. There was silence for a while, during which I listened to Bam’s breathing in my ear and played absentmindedly with the hem of his shirt, and they watched us.
"I'm glad you're happy, Ville," Sarah said finally, nodding. She meant that. I nodded at her.
"I should get him into a bed, I guess," I said slowly, leaning sideways so that I could shake him gently awake: "Bam, Bammie, sweetheart, come on. Wake up. We'll go home now." His eyes fluttered groggily open and I kissed his nose softly. "Come on sweetheart. Let’s go." He nodded, stood up slowly, stretched.
We said our goodbyes and our thanks, and got into the car. We were both silent as I backed out of the driveway. It had felt so good to be able to be open to someone. To not have to hide. It was a relief in a way, to have the secret off of my chest so that I wasn't bursting to tell everyone I met.
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, in the corniest and most clichéd sense of the expression.
We hide behind the crimson door
While the summer is killed by the fall
Alive behind the crimson door
I turned to tell Bam that, but he'd fallen asleep with his cheek pressed up against the window. He was still asleep when I unbuckled his seatbelt and carried him up the stairs. Still asleep when I undressed him and put his pajamas on. He woke up only slightly to say goodnight before passing out, his head on my chest, for good. I think we both slept better that night than we had in a long, long time.
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Links
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 13 - Bath Tubs
Chapter 14 - Labyrinth
Chapter 15 - Pure Mornings
Chapter 16 - Angels
Chapter 17 Angels
Chapter 18 - Coffee
Chapter 19 - Refuge
I spent New Years with Ben and his family, rather than intrude once again on April’s hospitality, though I was thoroughly scolded for doing so, both by April herself and by Bam, who thought I was mad for avoiding an excuse for us to spend the night in his room.
But I hadn’t seen Ben since before Christmas - I hadn’t seen him since my Birthday, come to think of it - and I felt that I had a duty to fulfill. Not that seeing him was merely a duty. My friendship with Ben ran deep - so deep that sometimes most people couldn’t see it - but it was definitely there. He was the only person to take an interest in me, the only person to even partly understand me, and he’d been there since I first came to West Chester.
I’d watched him struggle through college, through jobs and relationships and I was there when he failed at one thing, when he succeeded at another, and I’d watch him settle down, become a husband and now a father. He’d been there to see me struggle through meaningless job after job, through hangover after hangover, drunken nights and he’d endured my rages and my cynicism and hopelessness without even beating an eye. It was Ben who convinced me to give up cocaine - or rather, who made me realize that I wanted to give it up more than anything -, Ben who got me job after job, Ben who let me crash at his house when I was thrown out by landlord after landlord and Ben who laughed with me, yelled with me, cried with me sometimes.
So I went to see him; I called him up, invited myself over for New Years. His wife - Sarah, a sweet, pretty girl, who was hilarious and just as crazy as Ben himself - thought that it was a good idea, and so I went.
It wasn’t a crazy party. They had a baby girl, who adored me for reasons that I never could nor never will understand, and it was this little girl - Tamara - who I spent most of my time with when I first got to their house, whilst Sarah and Ben were in the kitchen, cooking. What happened was this: I arrived, they let me in, and, after the obligatory happy greetings, hugs, kisses, handshakes, exchange of wine, Sarah handed me her baby and said, “Ville, be a darling and keep Tammy occupied whilst we get dinner?”
What choice did I have? At first, I was scared I would drop her, break her, destroy her or something, but when I said this, Sarah laughed from the kitchen and said,
“Ville, she’s a toddler. They bounce, they don’t break.”
So I was stuck with her. Whilst I romped around on the floor, played hide and seek, put on a play with her stuffed animals for her, tickled, sang, told stories, bounced, cuddled - even kissed - her, I was aware of her parents watching me with some sort of awe.
Because of course, if this had been a little more than a year before, I would have turned and fled from any sign of babies.
I was aware of this. It felt weird, to be around something so young and pure - completely pure - and to be interacting with it so freely and unabashedly. But I enjoyed it. I honestly did. And that felt weird.
Divided we stand in the light of a frozen sun
When I sat up from where I was laying next to her on the floor, reading a Winnie the Pooh book to her, as Sarah announced dinner was ready, my cheeks were flushed and I think both I and Tamara were exhausted.
“That, Valo, was quite impressive,” Ben said, dryly, dishing out my food.
I shrugged.
“She’s a cute kid,” I said, as if that was an explanation.
“She is, isn’t she?” You can never compliment a baby too much for it’s parents.
Dinner passed quickly, and soon I was being delegated the job of putting Tamara to bed after Sarah had her ready.
When I came down from her room, smiling slightly, I sat across from Ben and Sarah in an armchair.
“Ville, really, you should settle down. Find someone, get a kid. You’d be great.” This was Sarah’s suggestion. Ben raised an eyebrow at me. I frowned, bit my lip.
“I dunno. I’m not really interested right now…”
“You were doing great with Tam,” she continued. I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I hated these talks. “And if you found the right person, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to get a kid. It’s a lot easier for gay couples to do that nowadays.”
“That’s not the problem, Sarah. Look, I’m just… not interested. You know me. I’ve never… I… just… no.” I shook my head, frowning, looking around for something to say, anything, besides that. Thankfully, Ben saved me by starting to talk about Tamara’s developments, that weird glaze of New-Father coating his eyes. It amused me, and it also relieved me.
Because of course, Ben knew exactly what was going on between me and Bam. He’d known, I think, since before we did, since the night when Bam came back to my house after Jenn had dumped him. And whilst I had a feeling I was going to be subject to that inevitable lecture at some point in time, I wasn’t nearly drunk enough for it.
We talked and laughed and danced and screwed around until 12, when we kissed and hugged and greeted the new year with a resounding cheer, and the happiness lasted until about 1, when we were all sitting exhausted in their comfortable chairs, sipping at wine. By the silence that fell over the room, I could tell what was going to come next. If I had thought there was a way to avoid it, I would have. But this had to have out, and what better time than the present?
“Where were you at Christmas, Ville? We tried to call you but you weren’t home,” Sarah asked, her head leaning on Ben’s shoulder tiredly.
“I was at Bam’s,” I said. Ben raised an eyebrow.
“The whole time?”
“Mm, I spent the night there on Christmas Eve. It’s kind of a tradition.”
“I see,” Sarah said. “That’s cool. So what, they’re kind of like a second family for you, huh?”
“You could say that,” I said, shrugging, looking at Ben suspiciously. Surely he wouldn’t bring this up in front of Sarah… would he?
“I’d say they were a good bit more to you than just family. Or at least some of them, eh, Valo?”
I sighed. Apparently, he would.
“What do you mean, Ben?” I played ignorant, hoping it might throw him off.
Not a chance.
“I mean, you blatantly have feelings and bond stronger than familial ones with at least one member of that family, and don’t even try to deny it, Valo. I’ve got you figured out. Nor are either one of you very good at hiding it.”
I sighed. Bugger, I thought. There was no escaping. Nor was there a question of lying. Ben could always tell when I was lying. Sarah looked confused; I hoped she would stay that way, but I didn’t really think this could be done without her figuring out.
“So what if I have, Ben?”
“Well it’s not like I can do anything about it, I just think you’re a fucking idiot for it.”
“Wait, wait, what’s going on?” Sarah was looking between us, our eyes locked fiercely, trying to stare each other down.
“Ville’s in love with Bam,” Ben said bluntly. I rolled my eyes at the sharpness of his voice, but it was a cover for the weird sense of fear I had at her face - a picture of shock. And not of the pleasant variety.
“Thanks, Ben,” I said, looking down at my glass.
“Well, you are, aren’t you?” His tone was accusatory, and I wanted to hit him, because I didn’t want to be told that it was wrong, I was perfectly aware of that myself.
“I dunno, maybe… okay, so yes. But …”
Ben sighed, bit his lip gently. He looked at a loss for words. I was too. We just stared at each other. Shut up, I was telling him with my eyes, shut up shut up shut up, let me be happy about this.
“But Bam doesn’t know, does he? I mean, its all very well if you’re in love with him, but you can’t…”
“Course Bam knows,” Ben said, scoffing. “It’s blatantly obvious. Bam knows and Bam feels exactly the same way. Doesn’t he?”
I nodded. It was the only thing I could do.
Sarah stared.
“But you two… you two aren’t…”
I nodded again.
“Yes, we are.” Whatever she was going to say, we probably were doing it. Of course, that didn’t include doing it because there was no way in hell I was going to do that with Bam. Not then. Not like that.
She stared at me. Ben sighed.
“Ville, you know you’re fucking dumb, right?”
We steal the fire from a sacred heart
And bleed the wine unholy
“Cuz you really had to tell me that. God. Ben, I know it’s stupid. And I know it’s wrong and horrible and disgusting and all that shit. But… don’t you see? He… he makes me happy. And I love him. And … “ I sighed, just shook my head. I didn’t know what else to say.
“But what about him?” said Sarah, quietly. “He’s only 16, isn’t he? Ville, he’s still a kid!”
“I know,” I said, sighing again. “Trust me, I know. Look, I tried to stop it. You know? I tried. I tried to push him away, I tried to tell him it wouldn’t work, I tried to ignore him and I tried to forget him but I couldn’t! He wouldn’t let me. He… I… I don’t know… I don’t care about that anymore.”
“But you have to! Ville, its illegal.”
“I know!” I shouted. I didn’t mean to shout. “I fucking know all that. But… you don’t get it! I love him. I … Ben, you remember, you remember when all I wanted to do was die and be done with it, don’t you?!”
He nodded. Of course he remembered. How many times had he called me just before I was about to do something drastic? How many times? Neither of us knew anymore. We lost track, and we decided to forget about it.
“I don’t feel like that anymore, and it’s because of Bam. And… I … I think he might need me too. In a way.” I bit my lip even more, clenched my fists.
They said nothing. I bit my lip even harder. Tasted blood.
Tamara started crying; none of us moved.
Then suddenly, Sarah snapped out of whatever trance we’d been in, looked at me seriously.
“Be careful Ville. You have got to be careful. For Bam’s sake, for your sake. Be careful.” And with that, she left the room to soothe Tamara.
“You think I’m the stupidest fucker alive, don’t you?”
“Ville, I just know this is all going to go wrong, and when it does, I know you’re going to be worse than ever, and I don’t want to see that happen to you.”
“Why will it all go wrong? It’s fine right now. Maybe… maybe it won’t go wrong. You know, you never know…”
“Ville. Please. Be straight with yourself. It’s hopeless, and you know it. Enjoy it now, while you can, but please, listen to what Sarah said. Be careful.”
I nodded.
I knew he wanted me to get out of it. I knew he wanted me to break it off, to never see Bam again, and to do it of my own accord, so that it wouldn’t be such a blow.
And I should have listened to him. I should have, but once again, that little voice plugged itself into an amplifier and overpowered his voice of impeccable reason. Don’t turn back now, Ville, it said, you deserve this, this is your right, it’s all going to be fine, it’s all yours now, all the glories of love are in your hands, enjoy it now, because you deserve it after all you’ve been through.
We fall in love with the serpent’s song
And fear nothing
On their request, I brought Bam along with me to see them the next time I went.
I told him in the car on the way over that they knew, that it was okay, that we could be however we wanted around them, and it was up to him and what he was comfortable with as to what we did and how we acted.
He nodded quietly, looking out the window.
“You okay, sweetheart?”
“I’m fine.” He squeezed my hand to prove it.
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want, you know.”
“Nah, I want to. I like Ben. I just… you know… it’ll be weird… not to have to… hide.”
I bit my lip, squeezed his hand.
“I know, sweetheart. But it’ll be good, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling at me, leaning over to kiss my cheek. I smiled, turned into their driveway, took his hand before walking to their front door and ringing the doorbell.
“Bam, remember. It’s all down to whatever you’re comfortable with, okay?” He nodded, squeezed my hand, and left his in it. I warmed at that.
Sarah opened the door and just stood there for a split second, just staring at us. I thought she was going to do something, something like scream or glare or yell at us for being disgusting and weird, but after that split second - which, I thought, dragged on for centuries - a huge smile spread across her face, and I think both Bam and I heaved a huge sigh of relief as we crossed the threshold into the house.
We hide behind the Crimson Door
“So, you’re the infamous Bam,” Sarah said, smiling at him, taking his coat. They’d never met before. “I’ve heard all about you. I just want to ask you not to leave my house in shambles. I’m sure if you manage that, then we’ll get along just fine.”
I laughed and kissed Bam’s blushing cheek. He smiled at that, and smiled at her kindly smile, and the ice was broken. Just like that.
It was a fun night. It genuinely actually was. Bam - as I knew from the beginning, of course - was perfectly capable of getting along just as well with adults as with people his own age, and as usual he was quite the life of the party. Tamara liked him, but she liked me better, which I teased him about endlessly. We sat in the living room, Sarah and Ben on the sofa whilst Bam and I crammed into an armchair, Bam sitting on my lap, bouncing around a bit whilst he talked. Sometimes I just sat back and watched him talk, because it was just as much fun to watch him talk as to talk with him.
It made me think how lucky I was to have him. How lucky I was to have someone like him, who could always pick me up no matter what. His happiness was contagious, and it was always there. I was content whenever he was around, and halfway through the evening, when I was holding the sleeping Tamara in my arms and Bam was bouncing on my knees, telling a joke that made Ben and Sarah crack up laughing, I felt ready to explode with happiness.
I felt like… like I couldn’t handle anymore. My happiness receptors were going full capacity and it was a high that beat any of the highs I ever got from cocaine.
It was amazing, it was always amazing, it would never, ever stop being amazing.
Drunk on shadows and lost in a life,
Devils dance while angels smile
Drunk on shadows and lost in a life.
I handed Sarah her baby to wrap my arms around Bam, to pull him closer to me. He turned to look at me as I did this, and we locked eyes, and for that split second of eye contact I was in complete and utter heaven. He looked so happy, I was so happy, and … nothing will ever beat that moment. Nothing. Not even when he leant over to kiss me quickly on the lips, to murmur I love you in my ear before going back to his story, not even that meant as much to me as that split second of eye contact before.
It was the first time I’d felt like that in my entire life, and I was an idiot, just like Ben said, to expect that kind of happiness to last.
He fell asleep on my shoulder, having exhausted himself in his excited conversation, and having been up to all hours of the night every night that week, doing homework. When I realized, I smiled and moved a bit to make sure he was comfortable, and then looked to Ben and Sarah.
"Well?" I asked them, raising an eyebrow.
They didn't say anything at first, just looked at the two of us.
And then Ben had to shake his head, and Sarah smiled a bit.
"You know, if you weren't almost twice his age, I'd say you two were a match made in heaven or something," Sarah said, almost reluctantly. I smiled, thanked her silently. She could have focused on the bad things: the first part of her sentence, for instance. Almost twice his age. I was almost, wasn't I? Ugh. I hated that thought.
"Just take care, Ville. He really does like you. Be careful." I knew that already. But I just nodded, kissed his forehead, held him close.
"Are you taking him home now?" Sarah wanted to know, looking at him much like you would look at a sleeping 5 year old - that soft look of motherhood coming into her eyes. Which annoyed me a bit; he was mine to take care of. Or something. I don’t know why it annoyed me. I wasn't making sense at all those days.
"No, he's spending the night at mine." They nodded. There was silence for a while, during which I listened to Bam’s breathing in my ear and played absentmindedly with the hem of his shirt, and they watched us.
"I'm glad you're happy, Ville," Sarah said finally, nodding. She meant that. I nodded at her.
"I should get him into a bed, I guess," I said slowly, leaning sideways so that I could shake him gently awake: "Bam, Bammie, sweetheart, come on. Wake up. We'll go home now." His eyes fluttered groggily open and I kissed his nose softly. "Come on sweetheart. Let’s go." He nodded, stood up slowly, stretched.
We said our goodbyes and our thanks, and got into the car. We were both silent as I backed out of the driveway. It had felt so good to be able to be open to someone. To not have to hide. It was a relief in a way, to have the secret off of my chest so that I wasn't bursting to tell everyone I met.
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, in the corniest and most clichéd sense of the expression.
We hide behind the crimson door
While the summer is killed by the fall
Alive behind the crimson door
I turned to tell Bam that, but he'd fallen asleep with his cheek pressed up against the window. He was still asleep when I unbuckled his seatbelt and carried him up the stairs. Still asleep when I undressed him and put his pajamas on. He woke up only slightly to say goodnight before passing out, his head on my chest, for good. I think we both slept better that night than we had in a long, long time.