Moving on.....
In lord of the rings there is a passage that reverberates through my head every time I walk into my house. "We were home. How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold..."
I miss my family... I miss my friend... but the wounds are starting to heal.... I am hoping one day the fear will end as well....
I am afraid to leave the house for fear that when I come back there will be nothing left.... I am afraid to talk to people for fear of what rumors they have heard.... I am afraid of going out for fear of running into her... I am afraid of taking the kids places for fear of what will happen to them because of her stories... ( we went to a community get together and a lady pulled her little girl away from playing a board game with heavyn screaming that she wasn't going to let him do to her little girl what he had done to the other one).... the children are afraid they don't understand how someone who claimed to be a parental figure could act so badly.... They are afraid to play outside for fear of someone coming to get them... they are afraid to care for fear of losing another close friend....
I find that during this whole thing I have not spoken to many people about what has happened... I don't think that anyone truly knows the whole story.... I believed that the drama between two people should be kept there. It reminds me of the break up between Ian and I. Ian made the mistake of confiding in medis and all of a sudden everyone was more upset with me then he was.... This case is slightly different.... Ian wasn't actively going after me.... Last year before she moved out she had already gone to my employers and tried to get me fired.... she was telling people that I was abusing kids to the point that social services was called more then once on her behalf.... she contacted everyone she could and went off about everything she could down to the smallest detail like, 'she used to use her own body odor to try and control me'..... however to me she would say things like.... 'There are no problems I just want to stand on my own for awhile' or 'I don't know why people are saying these things after all we are family'.... Looking back I can see the way that she was using everyone... I should have known sooner that there was no way to work with her.... but I can honestly say to myself and the children that I tried everything....
So now it comes to moving on... I asked the police what I should do with the few things that were left here... They said to publish that I was getting rid of them and that if I was not contacted in two weeks then to leave them out for the trash man... So next week I will be done with that... I am replacing the things that were stolen... the process is long but ebay and craigslist are wonderful... the dolls that were taken were the easiest to find... the artwork slightly more difficult.... however things like promyse's kindergarten graduation hat will probably never find their way home... I mourn all the keepsakes that I took over when she got her new place... thinking now that birthday memorabilia and drawings are never going to be replenished...
I think the next hardest step is trying to reach out again... I haven't been writing alot here because well I am afraid of what will come back at me... How she could twist more of what I say to throw back and hurt us... in the most recent court hearing she showed up and told the judge that there should NOT be a restraining order between us because I hadn't bad mouthed her in my public journal... I thought that it would be looked at as a good thing that I wasn't slamming her in public but apparently according to her I should have been... I am afraid that anything I write will cause her to break into my journal or e-mail again, or rob the house, or call the police, or worse....
So here is my effort in trying to confront my fear and write again... perhaps it will turn out alright... perhaps she will just leave us alone... perhaps we will be aloud to heal....
I miss my family... I miss my friend... but the wounds are starting to heal.... I am hoping one day the fear will end as well....
I am afraid to leave the house for fear that when I come back there will be nothing left.... I am afraid to talk to people for fear of what rumors they have heard.... I am afraid of going out for fear of running into her... I am afraid of taking the kids places for fear of what will happen to them because of her stories... ( we went to a community get together and a lady pulled her little girl away from playing a board game with heavyn screaming that she wasn't going to let him do to her little girl what he had done to the other one).... the children are afraid they don't understand how someone who claimed to be a parental figure could act so badly.... They are afraid to play outside for fear of someone coming to get them... they are afraid to care for fear of losing another close friend....
I find that during this whole thing I have not spoken to many people about what has happened... I don't think that anyone truly knows the whole story.... I believed that the drama between two people should be kept there. It reminds me of the break up between Ian and I. Ian made the mistake of confiding in medis and all of a sudden everyone was more upset with me then he was.... This case is slightly different.... Ian wasn't actively going after me.... Last year before she moved out she had already gone to my employers and tried to get me fired.... she was telling people that I was abusing kids to the point that social services was called more then once on her behalf.... she contacted everyone she could and went off about everything she could down to the smallest detail like, 'she used to use her own body odor to try and control me'..... however to me she would say things like.... 'There are no problems I just want to stand on my own for awhile' or 'I don't know why people are saying these things after all we are family'.... Looking back I can see the way that she was using everyone... I should have known sooner that there was no way to work with her.... but I can honestly say to myself and the children that I tried everything....
So now it comes to moving on... I asked the police what I should do with the few things that were left here... They said to publish that I was getting rid of them and that if I was not contacted in two weeks then to leave them out for the trash man... So next week I will be done with that... I am replacing the things that were stolen... the process is long but ebay and craigslist are wonderful... the dolls that were taken were the easiest to find... the artwork slightly more difficult.... however things like promyse's kindergarten graduation hat will probably never find their way home... I mourn all the keepsakes that I took over when she got her new place... thinking now that birthday memorabilia and drawings are never going to be replenished...
I think the next hardest step is trying to reach out again... I haven't been writing alot here because well I am afraid of what will come back at me... How she could twist more of what I say to throw back and hurt us... in the most recent court hearing she showed up and told the judge that there should NOT be a restraining order between us because I hadn't bad mouthed her in my public journal... I thought that it would be looked at as a good thing that I wasn't slamming her in public but apparently according to her I should have been... I am afraid that anything I write will cause her to break into my journal or e-mail again, or rob the house, or call the police, or worse....
So here is my effort in trying to confront my fear and write again... perhaps it will turn out alright... perhaps she will just leave us alone... perhaps we will be aloud to heal....