(no subject)
I've been trying to think of something clever to say. I mostly just decided to dive it. I don't know why. I figure I need to restart this habit, yet again, when I kept promising myself I'd restart the habit.
Lately I get anxious when I post online. In today's world every word, every sentence you post is under scrutiny. I wonder if there really are some nasty things I said or posted in the past that may haunt me. I've been posting on social media since 2002 or so with Friendster. Been blogging since 2003 or so as well. Every little thing may come back.
I mean consider: my work today is mostly as a consultant. My future desired work, which I am studying for, is to be a counselor. I cannot afford someone finding an image of the "old me" no matter how old that may be.
I do respect the desire to look up if someone is good or bad. I do think there are vestiges of the person who you were extant in you today. But I do also recognize that it's a weighty thing, this judgement we make on the present as a response to the long-forgotten past.
I remember when my mom found my journal and she was upset by what I said. It was written in confidence. She felt she was being attacked. It's a journal; it's not meant to be read. But in effect, it was also still me. Imagine how hard it was to shake that feeling.
What really rankled was how my dad still brings it up in modern day, nearly 15 years after, and uses it as a kind of ammunition when discussing conflict with my mom. I thought we were already over that. But he keeps saying it's not over. And so there's no healing, on either of their part maybe. When framed like that, there's no fixing things. No matter how nice I am they'll never see the good in me, if all they have was an angry journal write-up about how I felt they were playing favorites with my siblings over me.
It's a roundabout way of saying why I worry about writing. Why I find it hard to put words together and find it pleasurable or relaxing. It is bundled up in a modern-day distrust of how we easily find information. Every thing I write is a data point about me, and the people who really care and I expect to understand apparently didn't when it mattered.