(no subject)
I go temporarily catatonic sometimes now. It comes and goes like narcolepsi and as conveniently as terets. When I'm in the middle of a sentence and I curse at you, I fall asleep drunk before sex... wait... what? and fucking should be screaming at the top of my lungs, I'm silent and cry when I'm happy and go crippled when I'm supposed to be walking door to door, lose my voice when I need to and don't give a fuck. Basically... I'm fucked up. That's what I'm tryin' to say. I'm a slacker. It's not my fault. It's a disease. It's called lack of self worth. You're supposed to disagree cause it wasn't an excuse. It was a lie. Goddamn, it's real to you too. Not to me. When push comes to shove, I stop, drop and roll. I'm going to lay the fuck down and watch it all go down. I don't care. Why the fuck should anybody else? I don't know. Maybe cause I don't. I don't think it works that way anymore. I don't think I'm capable of working it out. I don't even have the time, transportation or will to go to court and try to get child support. Jobcore'll take at least a month or two and my piss ain't gonna test free of THC for at least three or four. At least there's my health and my friends. (That was sarcasm... but actually,) there are people watching my back and I'm using them. If that's what you say, I guess. If that's how it actually is... All my resources are just that... fuel burnt out, like I said, I'll probably wind up dead, yaked out on the bomb izz. Whatever my probably is, I'm obviously just a bad, evil, lazy motherfucker. I'm fucked up. I thought I was a relatively nice person... fair to say... generous when I can afford to be... whatever... I sort of thought you knew me better than that. In fact, I know you do. I can't even figure out what kind of trip your on. You're on all of 'em. God, it's funny. It doesn't even mean shit. It ain't even drama. It's nothing. Forgive me that I can't do it. I can't. Whatever happens does. Ain't nobody else even gonna take care of me. For a few days... here and there... whatever. I'm done though. If things get better with the amount of effort I'm able and willing to put in then great. If not, I'm just gonna watch me go like brain cells. Probably end up in a jail cell or shelter. Whatever I felt, I don't and it's over.