Hello, old friends
Hello.
I come to you vulnerable and bare. I have tried to use the other social media sites but have found them all to be superficial for the most part. Not many real connections have been made since I left livejournal and since my MS diagnosis I have had to use facebook as a way of communicating with family and friends about my illness. The problem is, I get the feeling that nobody truly cares.
Yesterday I posted a particularly vulnerable post and it got 2 likes from people who also have MS that I've met thru facebook. I barely know them and they "liked" it. Then I got a comment from my aunt who (long story) basically said good luck with your new family (Nicole's) and that my MS was going to be a long hard road. Not exactly uplifting. I also received two lovely comments from 2 lovely people I am proud to call friends. The other 165 people on my list said NOTHING. Liked NOTHING. Contacted me privately? NO.
I was so hurt and angry last night and this morning I see nothing has changed. I am probably going to either delete my facebook or stop using it altogether because of this and come back to livejournal where I don't have to censor myself and pretend that people care. I have always felt loved and valued here. Facebook is a superficial, albeit convenient mode of connection.
So what's going on with me? Basically, I'm really scared. I am starting to see the outcome of MS in other people's lives and realizing that this isn't something I can beat, it's something I must make the best of until it gets so bad that best isn't going to matter. Dark thoughts, I know. But that's what I'm working with. Yesterday all I needed was to hear some people tell me it's going to be okay--even it if was a lie--and it didn't happen.
Add to that my brother, who harasses me when I don't check in with him after a month. I am 39 fucking years old and my family still treats me like this. BTW, my brother and my aunt put their heads together and decided I should move "home" because of all the financial hardships Nicole and I are going thru right now. When I declined, I said Nic's family was helping out and tried to make them feel okay that I was okay and what I got in return (see above) was tantamount to being disowned. But back to my brother...he requires that I tell him about my doctor's appointments and then he doesn't reply or comment or anything. It's a complete one-way street. Nobody from my family has EVER come to visit me in London. And then there's my father who when I told him to stop sending me drunken, hateful emails (he called me lazy and crazy when I was on disability) has never spoken to me again. That was almost 3 years ago and he knows I have MS and he also doesn't fucking care. So this is it, Internet. You are my support system and the facebook people really let me down when I needed them too.
So, I'm back, LJ. Will you have me? I can't go on pretending anymore. I need to be vulnerable yet safe and I think that LJ is the place for that. I don't know how many of you are still reading but I've missed this space, the people, the fun times of days past. Sorry for dumping my shit on your doorstep today but I really need some friends right now.
I come to you vulnerable and bare. I have tried to use the other social media sites but have found them all to be superficial for the most part. Not many real connections have been made since I left livejournal and since my MS diagnosis I have had to use facebook as a way of communicating with family and friends about my illness. The problem is, I get the feeling that nobody truly cares.
Yesterday I posted a particularly vulnerable post and it got 2 likes from people who also have MS that I've met thru facebook. I barely know them and they "liked" it. Then I got a comment from my aunt who (long story) basically said good luck with your new family (Nicole's) and that my MS was going to be a long hard road. Not exactly uplifting. I also received two lovely comments from 2 lovely people I am proud to call friends. The other 165 people on my list said NOTHING. Liked NOTHING. Contacted me privately? NO.
I was so hurt and angry last night and this morning I see nothing has changed. I am probably going to either delete my facebook or stop using it altogether because of this and come back to livejournal where I don't have to censor myself and pretend that people care. I have always felt loved and valued here. Facebook is a superficial, albeit convenient mode of connection.
So what's going on with me? Basically, I'm really scared. I am starting to see the outcome of MS in other people's lives and realizing that this isn't something I can beat, it's something I must make the best of until it gets so bad that best isn't going to matter. Dark thoughts, I know. But that's what I'm working with. Yesterday all I needed was to hear some people tell me it's going to be okay--even it if was a lie--and it didn't happen.
Add to that my brother, who harasses me when I don't check in with him after a month. I am 39 fucking years old and my family still treats me like this. BTW, my brother and my aunt put their heads together and decided I should move "home" because of all the financial hardships Nicole and I are going thru right now. When I declined, I said Nic's family was helping out and tried to make them feel okay that I was okay and what I got in return (see above) was tantamount to being disowned. But back to my brother...he requires that I tell him about my doctor's appointments and then he doesn't reply or comment or anything. It's a complete one-way street. Nobody from my family has EVER come to visit me in London. And then there's my father who when I told him to stop sending me drunken, hateful emails (he called me lazy and crazy when I was on disability) has never spoken to me again. That was almost 3 years ago and he knows I have MS and he also doesn't fucking care. So this is it, Internet. You are my support system and the facebook people really let me down when I needed them too.
So, I'm back, LJ. Will you have me? I can't go on pretending anymore. I need to be vulnerable yet safe and I think that LJ is the place for that. I don't know how many of you are still reading but I've missed this space, the people, the fun times of days past. Sorry for dumping my shit on your doorstep today but I really need some friends right now.