(no subject)
I just got done talking to a friend online and I have realized that I'm still kinda pissed off about this weekend. For those of you just tuning in (pay attention); I was supposed to be going to Dayton on Friday because my cousin Jeremy was graduating from college and on Saturday him and his wife were having a party for him. Well, on Thursday, my dad calls and asks me if I'd come down to Lima (which is on the way to Dayton), to watch the two dogs, while him and my step-mom went to MI, so she can do her drug test. Why, you may ask? Well, number one, they're moving back to Toledo, and number two, they're trying to sell the house they live in now, and they didn't want their new dog to go to the bathroom on the floor, or something. So, I tell my dad, that yes, I'll be at his house on Friday, instead of my cousins.
Well, from the moment I got there to my dad's house to the moment I left, all he did was bitch. He complained about my car (because it wasn't perfectly spotless), basically my life.... So, I've messed up lately? It's not like it's a big shocker to him; I'm always going to be a disappointment to my father. *For those of you who don't understand, you have to understand how my father is* I'll explain my life a little bit, then maybe you'll understand, why I am the way I am.
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old, and my father got custody of me. Why my mom didn't try to appeal the outcome, I'll never know.... That summer, my father sent me to live with my grandparents for the ENTIRE summer. From that moment on, it was just me and my dad. Well, in 2nd grade, I had to get my tonsils out, and after the surgery, he sent me to live with my grandparents, AGAIN. It seems to me like my dad never wanted to take care of me, especially when I really needed him. Then, after it had been my dad and me for a few years, he announced that he's met a woman, and so we start spending all of our free time over there. Then they got married, and in the beginning I liked Anne and her two daughters, but over time I began to really dislike Anne. Her attitude really stunk, she was always yelling, and I remember she'd always talk bad about my mom. In this time, my mom had remarried and had been to Egypt several times, at long periods of time. Her longest time over there was about a 1 1/2 years. In 1994, on Christmas, was the first time I saw my mom in probably about 3-4 years. My dad controlled all of that and would never let me see my mom. I don't know why; I think it was partially because he didn't want her to "kidnap" me, which I don't think she would have ever done. Then, right after 7th grade had ended, that summer, my dad and Anne decided to get a divorce. I was more upset with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to see my two step-sisters anymore, because to me, they were my sisters.
So, now my dad and I are living by ourselves again in an apartment. It was really awkward and confusing because I was starting to turn into a teenager. The only thing I remember about my 8th grade year is taht my father and I fought constantly; like everyday. Literally. I remember the first day of school, I wanted to wear a shirt that was a v-neck, and my dad got mad at me and said it made me look like a whore. YUP, that's my dad for you. So, I tried as much as possible to stay in my room. That Thanksgiving break we went down to Arkansas, and I met my dad's best friend and wife, Rob and Janet. Rob and my dad had been in the Marine Corps. *Remember Janet....* We spent a week down there, I believe. Then, after 8th grade ended, we went down there over the summer.
THEN, I started high school. The one thing I enjoyed about high school was the fact that I was in color guard. That was my talent, I soon discovered. No I wasn't the greatest that year, but over time, I defintely improved and loved it. I didn't do very well in high school, and I really don't remember why. It was also during that time, I'd talk to my mom after school, without my dad there... Then, I remember one evening, my dad and I were driving to dinner, and he tells me, out of the blue, that him and Janet, had an affair, and they still loved eachother. Well, that was a COMPLETE shock to me... I was totally unaware of any of that in our visits. I felt kinda dumb because I should have realized it, because EVERY day, my dad would sit on the phone with her for 3-4 hours, before dinner. I would get irritated all the time. The 2nd semester of my freshman year, I went to live with my mom; well my grades didn't improve, so he made me come back to live with him.
Then, right after my first semester my sophomore year, my dad tells me that he's going to Arkansas to bring Janet and her daughter April to live with us. April and I got along, and thought of eachother as best friends, so we thought it was real cool. At first I was excited they were coming to live with us, because then I thought I'd actually have a mother like figure around. Well, from the moment she put her stuff in that apartment, everything had to be her way or the highway. I HATED it. Everything had to be done a certain way.
Then, after my sophomore year, my father tells us all we're moving to Lima, which is where my dad is originally from, and all my family is there. Well, I did NOT want to go at all and I did everything in my power to get him to let me live with my mom. NOTHING could change his mind. He didn't even care that he was taking me away from my mother, who I had become really close to in those last few years. Well, he spent all this money on building a really nice house for HER mainly. Literally, it was HER house and everything in it had to be HER way.
I remember Janet would always yell at me and bitch about every little thing. One time, I was looking for a pencil in my dad's desk drawer, and I couldn't find it, so I asked April. Just out of no where, she starts yelling, and tells me to find one. I told her that I looked and she starts just flinging the drawers out, one barely missing hitting my knee. After I told my dad, all he said was that I probably deserved getting yelled at and he didn't really believe me on my knee, I don't think. From that moment on, I knew I had been pushed out of the picture. It was just Janet in his life. (It's still like that to this day too). Then, on my spring break my junior year my grandfather on my mom's side died from complications of Alzheimer's Disease. THAT was really hard on me.
So, when I graduated high school, I got a job at Applebee's. It wasn't the greatest, but I wanted to get out of the house, so I moved in with these friends' of my boyfriend. NOT a smart idea. After that move went totally down hill, I lost my job, and my car broke down.
So finally, I went to live with my mom in Toledo. I could do what I wanted because I was of legal age and my dad couldn't stop me anymore, at least not physically. So I moved to Toledo with my mom and step dad. Finally, I would be happy.
Well, I thought it would be a really neat idea to work at Cedar Point, so applied online, and suprisingly I got the job.
Cedar Point was really fun at first, meeting new people, and then one day, my life totally changed from one meeting with a guy, who I thought I would be-friend. I was wrong, dead wrong. That night, he raped me. It's the worst thing in the world, and to this day I'm still trying to overcome it and get on with my life. I guess it's so hard for me to, because I still haven't gone to couseling. I know I need to, but especially right now, I'm lacking money and time.
One thing that people don't know is that I was raped a second time, at the Cedar Point Christmas Party, but I never reported it. I figured what's the point, because nothing's being done about my first case. So, I just kinda locked that one up inside my heart. Of course I'm never going to forget either experience, but I want to block it out as much as possible. So anyways, I tried going back to Cedar Point this year, and that did not work at all. I kept having flashbacks, and nightmares, and I wouldn't sleep at night. I just made the decision to leave. What really irritates me is that none of my friends understood why I left. My saying about that is, unless you've been in that situation, don't you dare judge me or give me advice on why I should have left or not have, etc.
So, now I'm back at Owen's, trying to move on with my life and get my degree for education. Hopefully, I will successfully complete two years here, and then I'll be able to transfer to UT or someplace else.
Well, from the moment I got there to my dad's house to the moment I left, all he did was bitch. He complained about my car (because it wasn't perfectly spotless), basically my life.... So, I've messed up lately? It's not like it's a big shocker to him; I'm always going to be a disappointment to my father. *For those of you who don't understand, you have to understand how my father is* I'll explain my life a little bit, then maybe you'll understand, why I am the way I am.
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old, and my father got custody of me. Why my mom didn't try to appeal the outcome, I'll never know.... That summer, my father sent me to live with my grandparents for the ENTIRE summer. From that moment on, it was just me and my dad. Well, in 2nd grade, I had to get my tonsils out, and after the surgery, he sent me to live with my grandparents, AGAIN. It seems to me like my dad never wanted to take care of me, especially when I really needed him. Then, after it had been my dad and me for a few years, he announced that he's met a woman, and so we start spending all of our free time over there. Then they got married, and in the beginning I liked Anne and her two daughters, but over time I began to really dislike Anne. Her attitude really stunk, she was always yelling, and I remember she'd always talk bad about my mom. In this time, my mom had remarried and had been to Egypt several times, at long periods of time. Her longest time over there was about a 1 1/2 years. In 1994, on Christmas, was the first time I saw my mom in probably about 3-4 years. My dad controlled all of that and would never let me see my mom. I don't know why; I think it was partially because he didn't want her to "kidnap" me, which I don't think she would have ever done. Then, right after 7th grade had ended, that summer, my dad and Anne decided to get a divorce. I was more upset with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to see my two step-sisters anymore, because to me, they were my sisters.
So, now my dad and I are living by ourselves again in an apartment. It was really awkward and confusing because I was starting to turn into a teenager. The only thing I remember about my 8th grade year is taht my father and I fought constantly; like everyday. Literally. I remember the first day of school, I wanted to wear a shirt that was a v-neck, and my dad got mad at me and said it made me look like a whore. YUP, that's my dad for you. So, I tried as much as possible to stay in my room. That Thanksgiving break we went down to Arkansas, and I met my dad's best friend and wife, Rob and Janet. Rob and my dad had been in the Marine Corps. *Remember Janet....* We spent a week down there, I believe. Then, after 8th grade ended, we went down there over the summer.
THEN, I started high school. The one thing I enjoyed about high school was the fact that I was in color guard. That was my talent, I soon discovered. No I wasn't the greatest that year, but over time, I defintely improved and loved it. I didn't do very well in high school, and I really don't remember why. It was also during that time, I'd talk to my mom after school, without my dad there... Then, I remember one evening, my dad and I were driving to dinner, and he tells me, out of the blue, that him and Janet, had an affair, and they still loved eachother. Well, that was a COMPLETE shock to me... I was totally unaware of any of that in our visits. I felt kinda dumb because I should have realized it, because EVERY day, my dad would sit on the phone with her for 3-4 hours, before dinner. I would get irritated all the time. The 2nd semester of my freshman year, I went to live with my mom; well my grades didn't improve, so he made me come back to live with him.
Then, right after my first semester my sophomore year, my dad tells me that he's going to Arkansas to bring Janet and her daughter April to live with us. April and I got along, and thought of eachother as best friends, so we thought it was real cool. At first I was excited they were coming to live with us, because then I thought I'd actually have a mother like figure around. Well, from the moment she put her stuff in that apartment, everything had to be her way or the highway. I HATED it. Everything had to be done a certain way.
Then, after my sophomore year, my father tells us all we're moving to Lima, which is where my dad is originally from, and all my family is there. Well, I did NOT want to go at all and I did everything in my power to get him to let me live with my mom. NOTHING could change his mind. He didn't even care that he was taking me away from my mother, who I had become really close to in those last few years. Well, he spent all this money on building a really nice house for HER mainly. Literally, it was HER house and everything in it had to be HER way.
I remember Janet would always yell at me and bitch about every little thing. One time, I was looking for a pencil in my dad's desk drawer, and I couldn't find it, so I asked April. Just out of no where, she starts yelling, and tells me to find one. I told her that I looked and she starts just flinging the drawers out, one barely missing hitting my knee. After I told my dad, all he said was that I probably deserved getting yelled at and he didn't really believe me on my knee, I don't think. From that moment on, I knew I had been pushed out of the picture. It was just Janet in his life. (It's still like that to this day too). Then, on my spring break my junior year my grandfather on my mom's side died from complications of Alzheimer's Disease. THAT was really hard on me.
So, when I graduated high school, I got a job at Applebee's. It wasn't the greatest, but I wanted to get out of the house, so I moved in with these friends' of my boyfriend. NOT a smart idea. After that move went totally down hill, I lost my job, and my car broke down.
So finally, I went to live with my mom in Toledo. I could do what I wanted because I was of legal age and my dad couldn't stop me anymore, at least not physically. So I moved to Toledo with my mom and step dad. Finally, I would be happy.
Well, I thought it would be a really neat idea to work at Cedar Point, so applied online, and suprisingly I got the job.
Cedar Point was really fun at first, meeting new people, and then one day, my life totally changed from one meeting with a guy, who I thought I would be-friend. I was wrong, dead wrong. That night, he raped me. It's the worst thing in the world, and to this day I'm still trying to overcome it and get on with my life. I guess it's so hard for me to, because I still haven't gone to couseling. I know I need to, but especially right now, I'm lacking money and time.
One thing that people don't know is that I was raped a second time, at the Cedar Point Christmas Party, but I never reported it. I figured what's the point, because nothing's being done about my first case. So, I just kinda locked that one up inside my heart. Of course I'm never going to forget either experience, but I want to block it out as much as possible. So anyways, I tried going back to Cedar Point this year, and that did not work at all. I kept having flashbacks, and nightmares, and I wouldn't sleep at night. I just made the decision to leave. What really irritates me is that none of my friends understood why I left. My saying about that is, unless you've been in that situation, don't you dare judge me or give me advice on why I should have left or not have, etc.
So, now I'm back at Owen's, trying to move on with my life and get my degree for education. Hopefully, I will successfully complete two years here, and then I'll be able to transfer to UT or someplace else.