Vent......
I haven't updated in forever and I'm not in the best of moods, so I'm having a little vent session. I don't care if anyone out there cares about what I'm talking about and if anyone has any complaints about what I'm going to say, they can just get over it. This is my journal and I usually don't go into much detail about things, but I'm really in a bad mood.
First off, guys suck. There's no other way to describe them. I have been in a relationship with someone for close to two years. We've had our rough times and we're definately not the sweetest couple if you ever saw us together. He's a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. There are some days that I feel he deserves better than someone like me. Someone who enjoys all of the things that he does, who's better looking, who'll be the yin to his yang. We've never had a huge fight, we have our little disagreements but nothing that would register on the Rictor Scale. It's usually during times like this week that I just really doubt myself. I know what he deserves, and I just feel it's not me.
Also, my dad is still not speaking to me. Most of the time I could care less. I even told my mom not to make a big deal out of my birthday this year. I said that we could go out to eat if she wanted, but dad wasn't invited. He could care less if I was alive or not. Occasionally it strikes me and I get upset about the fact that we haven't spoken in two months. We've never really had a close relationship in the first place but we'd gotten closer since I moved and then when I had the cancer scare. The only reason he's not talking to me is because I bought a new car. How crazy is that.
My mom has to have surgery on the 20th of this month. She has a torn rotary cusp (I have no idea if that's how you say it or not). He's supposed to just be able to take a laser to it and fix it but then she has to wear her arm in a sling for six weeks. My Granny called me on Wednesday night, which was a shocker but nice to hear from her. She told me that my Papaw had to go to the doctor, they think he had a mild heart attack. I'm scared because he had open heart surgery about three years ago. They had to do triple bypass surgery and now it looks like his arteries are getting clogged again. My mom's parents (the two that I'm talking about) are the only grandparents I've got left. Both of my dad's parents have passed away, my mamaw just a couple of years ago, so I'm not quite ready to deal with the idea that another may go soon. I know it's God's choice when they leave but I just pray he won't take them now. I'd like one of my grandparents to be around just in case I ever walk down the aisle.
That's another thing. Getting married is not in my future and probably will never happen to me but it's something that's built into my genes and so a part of me can't help but hope that one day I do marry the man of my dreams. Everyone's probably thinking that all girls at one point and time think they'll never get married, and I have had those moments. But I also have come to the conclusion that I'm not build for marriage and a family. I'm the spitting image of my father and I would not wish myself on my worse enemy. I have no patience so kids are outta the question and it wouldn't be fair to want a guy to marry me and deny him children. So I just made the choice to never to do the damned thing. And for those who think that I'm leading the guy I'm currently with on, then think again. I'm not going to go into those details. Only my bestest of friends, Amanda for one, know what's going on there.
I would love to have a child. I've always wanted to have the feeling of being pregnant and to have the belly. Three people that I know have had kids the the past month and a half. But like I already said, I have no patience.
Work is going ok but it has it's difficult moments too. I would love to find another job that pays a lot more but now that I have monthly bills, it's hard to just switch without knowing I'm secure. I know here that I'm guaranteed this job.
I'm mad at the world right now. Especially certain areas of my love life. But I'm so scared of saying anything. Because of my past I've always felt that if I say anthing negative, that that's the end of it all. I'm really unsecure in things like that.
Valentine's Day is on Tuesday. I dread it more than anything at the moment. I've never liked Valentine's Day. In my opinion, if a man loves you, he'll love you all year long, not just one day. It's a great day whenever you're happily living in coupledom but those who are single, it's one of the hardest days of the year. I've always had good V-Days but I still do not appreciate the holiday. So we'll have to wait and see how this one goes this year.
My birthday is a couple of months away and I dread it again this year. Ever since 2000 my birthdays have sucked. I always end up heartbroken. Last year's wasn't as bad as the years before but it was still sad because I had other plans and those plans were cancel for reasons I'd rather not discuss on here. This year, I already have plans but I'm not getting excited about them or even going to tell anyone about them because more than likely, they will be cancelled too. Amanda, Jackie, and I have made plans to celebrate our birthdays together sometime before April. Amanda's was January 27th, Jackie's is March 17th, and mine is April 13th and since Jackie is leaving the country, we all wanted to celebrate before she left.
Anways, I think I've gotten everything outta of system. Hopefully come Monday I'll be back to my normal self. This weekend's going to suck too. I have some cleaning to do and laundry to catch up. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
First off, guys suck. There's no other way to describe them. I have been in a relationship with someone for close to two years. We've had our rough times and we're definately not the sweetest couple if you ever saw us together. He's a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. There are some days that I feel he deserves better than someone like me. Someone who enjoys all of the things that he does, who's better looking, who'll be the yin to his yang. We've never had a huge fight, we have our little disagreements but nothing that would register on the Rictor Scale. It's usually during times like this week that I just really doubt myself. I know what he deserves, and I just feel it's not me.
Also, my dad is still not speaking to me. Most of the time I could care less. I even told my mom not to make a big deal out of my birthday this year. I said that we could go out to eat if she wanted, but dad wasn't invited. He could care less if I was alive or not. Occasionally it strikes me and I get upset about the fact that we haven't spoken in two months. We've never really had a close relationship in the first place but we'd gotten closer since I moved and then when I had the cancer scare. The only reason he's not talking to me is because I bought a new car. How crazy is that.
My mom has to have surgery on the 20th of this month. She has a torn rotary cusp (I have no idea if that's how you say it or not). He's supposed to just be able to take a laser to it and fix it but then she has to wear her arm in a sling for six weeks. My Granny called me on Wednesday night, which was a shocker but nice to hear from her. She told me that my Papaw had to go to the doctor, they think he had a mild heart attack. I'm scared because he had open heart surgery about three years ago. They had to do triple bypass surgery and now it looks like his arteries are getting clogged again. My mom's parents (the two that I'm talking about) are the only grandparents I've got left. Both of my dad's parents have passed away, my mamaw just a couple of years ago, so I'm not quite ready to deal with the idea that another may go soon. I know it's God's choice when they leave but I just pray he won't take them now. I'd like one of my grandparents to be around just in case I ever walk down the aisle.
That's another thing. Getting married is not in my future and probably will never happen to me but it's something that's built into my genes and so a part of me can't help but hope that one day I do marry the man of my dreams. Everyone's probably thinking that all girls at one point and time think they'll never get married, and I have had those moments. But I also have come to the conclusion that I'm not build for marriage and a family. I'm the spitting image of my father and I would not wish myself on my worse enemy. I have no patience so kids are outta the question and it wouldn't be fair to want a guy to marry me and deny him children. So I just made the choice to never to do the damned thing. And for those who think that I'm leading the guy I'm currently with on, then think again. I'm not going to go into those details. Only my bestest of friends, Amanda for one, know what's going on there.
I would love to have a child. I've always wanted to have the feeling of being pregnant and to have the belly. Three people that I know have had kids the the past month and a half. But like I already said, I have no patience.
Work is going ok but it has it's difficult moments too. I would love to find another job that pays a lot more but now that I have monthly bills, it's hard to just switch without knowing I'm secure. I know here that I'm guaranteed this job.
I'm mad at the world right now. Especially certain areas of my love life. But I'm so scared of saying anything. Because of my past I've always felt that if I say anthing negative, that that's the end of it all. I'm really unsecure in things like that.
Valentine's Day is on Tuesday. I dread it more than anything at the moment. I've never liked Valentine's Day. In my opinion, if a man loves you, he'll love you all year long, not just one day. It's a great day whenever you're happily living in coupledom but those who are single, it's one of the hardest days of the year. I've always had good V-Days but I still do not appreciate the holiday. So we'll have to wait and see how this one goes this year.
My birthday is a couple of months away and I dread it again this year. Ever since 2000 my birthdays have sucked. I always end up heartbroken. Last year's wasn't as bad as the years before but it was still sad because I had other plans and those plans were cancel for reasons I'd rather not discuss on here. This year, I already have plans but I'm not getting excited about them or even going to tell anyone about them because more than likely, they will be cancelled too. Amanda, Jackie, and I have made plans to celebrate our birthdays together sometime before April. Amanda's was January 27th, Jackie's is March 17th, and mine is April 13th and since Jackie is leaving the country, we all wanted to celebrate before she left.
Anways, I think I've gotten everything outta of system. Hopefully come Monday I'll be back to my normal self. This weekend's going to suck too. I have some cleaning to do and laundry to catch up. I hope everyone has a great weekend.