No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me. Only you.
My right hand hurts from all the writing. All old news. Every last thing I wrote at the end of last year. At the very beginning of this one. Brian Carl. Carl Brian. Brian Brian Carl. Repeat.
Sometimes I think I am melodramatic for the affect. Sometimes I just am.
But then I started reading. All the way back to 2005. When things seemed so simple, yet so life altering. When Aaron came to visit me at Nordic Track and looked so good with that Blonde in his hair. When I kissed him again the second time around and fell so deeply in love.
That's the only time I have every written anything worth a damn while being happy at the same time. It's the only time I had something to say for days and days in a row. And I guess I just forgot.
Because two years ago I tried unsuccessfully to get him back. When I knew that we would have destroyed each other all over again. When I knew that we weren't meant to be that time around. And I wrote a lot then too. Days and days in a row. But it wasn't the same. That time, I knew what I stood to gain. What I stood to Lose.
And sometimes I wish that I would have left well enough alone. Sometimes I wish I could open those pages and never see his name after 2005. Sometimes I wish I could love him without remembering all the things he said. All the things he did. And all the things I secretly know he did, but never dream of.
And sometimes I wish I didn't think about him. And still love him. So much it's appalling.
Sometimes I wish I never got over him. Sometimes I wish he was the last person to break my heart.
So that my days weren't filled with Brian. And Carl. Carl Brian. Repeat.
It was strange to think about Aaron tonight. Without my heart getting involved in remembering every inch of his face.
And it was strange to write down the things I thought at the end of this year. At the beginning of this one. Because everything is so different now. But I realized that neither one of them had me like the the one in 2005.
But someday somebody will. I know it.
Sometimes I think I am melodramatic for the affect. Sometimes I just am.
But then I started reading. All the way back to 2005. When things seemed so simple, yet so life altering. When Aaron came to visit me at Nordic Track and looked so good with that Blonde in his hair. When I kissed him again the second time around and fell so deeply in love.
That's the only time I have every written anything worth a damn while being happy at the same time. It's the only time I had something to say for days and days in a row. And I guess I just forgot.
Because two years ago I tried unsuccessfully to get him back. When I knew that we would have destroyed each other all over again. When I knew that we weren't meant to be that time around. And I wrote a lot then too. Days and days in a row. But it wasn't the same. That time, I knew what I stood to gain. What I stood to Lose.
And sometimes I wish that I would have left well enough alone. Sometimes I wish I could open those pages and never see his name after 2005. Sometimes I wish I could love him without remembering all the things he said. All the things he did. And all the things I secretly know he did, but never dream of.
And sometimes I wish I didn't think about him. And still love him. So much it's appalling.
Sometimes I wish I never got over him. Sometimes I wish he was the last person to break my heart.
So that my days weren't filled with Brian. And Carl. Carl Brian. Repeat.
It was strange to think about Aaron tonight. Without my heart getting involved in remembering every inch of his face.
And it was strange to write down the things I thought at the end of this year. At the beginning of this one. Because everything is so different now. But I realized that neither one of them had me like the the one in 2005.
But someday somebody will. I know it.