(no subject)
I haven't updated about anything real in a very long time. Mostly because I've been in a very ugly place that I didn't want to share with the world, but I'm feeling immensely more positive these days.
My mom is still doing chemo, though it's not doing anything other than MAYBE slowing down the tumors. It's taking a toll on her, and I'm not going to be surprised if she decides any day to quit the chemo. I love her, and I woudn't blame her at all. It still makes me very emotional when I actually sit down and think point blank about my mom dying of cancer (I'm crying right now as I type this) - I generally try to avoid it...maybe that makes me a coward, or an avoidist (I don't even know if that's a word, but you know what I mean...someone who just avoids everything bad) but I don't care. It's the only way I know how to deal with this and continue my life.
I tried therapy for about a month this winter, but I didn't like it. Maybe it was just my therapist. Maybe it was just where I was in my depression, but I wound up crying every session for almost the whole session. It was just too intense, and it wasn't productive. I think I was looking for someone who had advice, or would guide me more in going through this...someone who would offer opinions, but she didn't. She asked questions, and she listened well, but she never really offered anything. I went in seeking help with how to cope with my depression, and we hardly ever talked about that...we just mostly talked about my mom. I think they're related, but I don't think Mom's condition caused me to fall into depression.
It got so bad with the depression that some days I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to go places, I didn't feel up to the effort. Every day was a struggle to go to work...if there was any way I could have survived financially while quitting my job to stay home, I would have done it just to avoid people. It even got to the point that my entire body hurt all over. It was weird. I would usually think that was a sign of impending illness, but it felt different. Like I was hollow, and it HURT. I started questioning my faith, and for the first time in my life, I was debating about whether God actually existed. Well, the pain got bad enough one weekend that I cancelled pretty much all my plans to stay in bed. If I was asleep, it didn't hurt anymore.
I recognized that as a very dangerous sign, and made an appointment with the regular doctor to be put on anti-depressants. Within a couple of days, I felt like someone else. I could praise God again and actually mean it. I was laughing and smiling more. My students asked me why I was smiling - because I never smiled. How sad is that? I've always been a very positive person - it's something I pride myself on...and I was never smiling anymore.
I've still got some bad days, but that's definately more unusual. It's usually down to like a bad hour or so. I have noticed that it's a lot worse during PMS time. I need to go back to the Dr and see if there's anything that can be done about that...and also to see if I can get switched to a brand of meds that are less expensive. $50 a month (and that's with my insurance) is a bit much. Haven't gotten around to that yet, though.
Anyway, school is now over, and while pragmatically I should be getting a job for the summer, I just don't want to. I feel more like I need the time off to get mentally healthy again before I go back and face insane middle schoolers. I'm doing a lot of things the past few days that I've been putting off for ages...things like fixing earrings that I love, but have been unwearable for the past 8 years. Cleaning the garage. Reading a book about drawing methods that I've had for years. Donating a lot of unworn clothes to a charity. Giving up soda.
I'm also subbing at the art camp where Holly works...so I do have some extra money that will come in. This week, I've been asked to come in a lot...pretty much everyone is sick. I really enjoy working there, because I like everyone. The kids are pretty much relaxed, and all the staff is great. I'm loving having artistic friends again. Hell, I'm loving working with ADULTS! I never see any adults at Ridgeview because my schedule is so different. Anyway, I'm first on their subbing list, so I should be getting at least a bit of work during the summer. Yay! I was supposed to go in today, but I have a lot of things to accomplish before leaving town tomorrow night for Tulsa.
Going to Tulsa this weekend for Lonnie's wedding - I'm a bit more broke than I thought I was...so I'm praying that my 1st check for subbing will come in today or tomorrow. Probably won't, though.
Anyway...looking forward to seeing people this weekend. It'll be loads of fun.
I have more to say, but this is already really long, so I'll save it for later.
My mom is still doing chemo, though it's not doing anything other than MAYBE slowing down the tumors. It's taking a toll on her, and I'm not going to be surprised if she decides any day to quit the chemo. I love her, and I woudn't blame her at all. It still makes me very emotional when I actually sit down and think point blank about my mom dying of cancer (I'm crying right now as I type this) - I generally try to avoid it...maybe that makes me a coward, or an avoidist (I don't even know if that's a word, but you know what I mean...someone who just avoids everything bad) but I don't care. It's the only way I know how to deal with this and continue my life.
I tried therapy for about a month this winter, but I didn't like it. Maybe it was just my therapist. Maybe it was just where I was in my depression, but I wound up crying every session for almost the whole session. It was just too intense, and it wasn't productive. I think I was looking for someone who had advice, or would guide me more in going through this...someone who would offer opinions, but she didn't. She asked questions, and she listened well, but she never really offered anything. I went in seeking help with how to cope with my depression, and we hardly ever talked about that...we just mostly talked about my mom. I think they're related, but I don't think Mom's condition caused me to fall into depression.
It got so bad with the depression that some days I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to go places, I didn't feel up to the effort. Every day was a struggle to go to work...if there was any way I could have survived financially while quitting my job to stay home, I would have done it just to avoid people. It even got to the point that my entire body hurt all over. It was weird. I would usually think that was a sign of impending illness, but it felt different. Like I was hollow, and it HURT. I started questioning my faith, and for the first time in my life, I was debating about whether God actually existed. Well, the pain got bad enough one weekend that I cancelled pretty much all my plans to stay in bed. If I was asleep, it didn't hurt anymore.
I recognized that as a very dangerous sign, and made an appointment with the regular doctor to be put on anti-depressants. Within a couple of days, I felt like someone else. I could praise God again and actually mean it. I was laughing and smiling more. My students asked me why I was smiling - because I never smiled. How sad is that? I've always been a very positive person - it's something I pride myself on...and I was never smiling anymore.
I've still got some bad days, but that's definately more unusual. It's usually down to like a bad hour or so. I have noticed that it's a lot worse during PMS time. I need to go back to the Dr and see if there's anything that can be done about that...and also to see if I can get switched to a brand of meds that are less expensive. $50 a month (and that's with my insurance) is a bit much. Haven't gotten around to that yet, though.
Anyway, school is now over, and while pragmatically I should be getting a job for the summer, I just don't want to. I feel more like I need the time off to get mentally healthy again before I go back and face insane middle schoolers. I'm doing a lot of things the past few days that I've been putting off for ages...things like fixing earrings that I love, but have been unwearable for the past 8 years. Cleaning the garage. Reading a book about drawing methods that I've had for years. Donating a lot of unworn clothes to a charity. Giving up soda.
I'm also subbing at the art camp where Holly works...so I do have some extra money that will come in. This week, I've been asked to come in a lot...pretty much everyone is sick. I really enjoy working there, because I like everyone. The kids are pretty much relaxed, and all the staff is great. I'm loving having artistic friends again. Hell, I'm loving working with ADULTS! I never see any adults at Ridgeview because my schedule is so different. Anyway, I'm first on their subbing list, so I should be getting at least a bit of work during the summer. Yay! I was supposed to go in today, but I have a lot of things to accomplish before leaving town tomorrow night for Tulsa.
Going to Tulsa this weekend for Lonnie's wedding - I'm a bit more broke than I thought I was...so I'm praying that my 1st check for subbing will come in today or tomorrow. Probably won't, though.
Anyway...looking forward to seeing people this weekend. It'll be loads of fun.
I have more to say, but this is already really long, so I'll save it for later.