!?!?
I haven't posted about this because it made me stressed out just thinking about it, but I've gotten enough distance and am far along enough in processing it that now it might help to put it in writing. Over the Christmas holiday, my coworker and friend from my grad school cohort, Shana, lost her mother. Though her mother was not in good health, it was still a shock. Shana is so quiet and stoic that it was hard to know exactly how she was feeling. I left her voicemails and text messages when I heard the news and on the day when I knew she was having services for her mom. She thanked me every time I reached out but wasn't super instructive on how I could best support her, so I just kept checking in and basically treating her like I would want to be treated in that circumstance.
Shana came back to work on January 9th and I heard from my coworker that the first thing that happened was that our very maternal office manager had given Shana a very huggy condolence and Shana lost it and started crying.I was surprised Shana was already back at work and figured she wanted to keep busy and take her mind off of her grief, so I was very careful not to bring up her mom while we were at work. Instead, I asked her generally how she was, and then I asked her if she had been out that day. She replied that she had been out an hour ago, to Target. I chuckled and said, "Oh, I meant to clients," and when she said no, I filled her in on our mutual client and told her I would forward her the latest report on that person. I didn't see Shana before the end of the day, but I got this text message that evening:
"I just wanted to let u know that u really hurt my feelings today when u came into the office and asked me if I had gone out of the office. When i told u i had gone to target during my lunch, u laughed and said "i meant actual work" in a condescending way. U were talking to me like i was some lazy piece of shit who had decided to sit in the office all day and do absolutely nothing after returning from some fun exotic vacation or something rather than someone who had just watched their mom die and practically planned the entire damn funeral service by themselves. Earlier that day, Kim and I had agreed that I would take it easy and not see clients at all. Obviously I am still dealing with my mother's death and I will be for the rest of my life and I just wanted to take it easy on my first day back to work and the fact that you would make such a rude and condescending remark was just cold and heartless."
It's hard for me to put into words how I felt reading that text, because it changed every half-second. Confusion, shock, sadness, guilt, confusion, hurt, anger, disbelief, guilt, confusion. I called Shana immediately but she didn't pick up. I left a rambling message and asked her to call back. When she didn't, I realized I was going to have to text her (ehght). I knew that just because she was completely wrong about my intentions (and about what I had actually said to her), she felt how she felt and there was absolutely no way I was going to argue with her and tell her that her perception was wrong while she was grieving for her mother. It also occurred to me that she was feeling sad, helpless, and probably insecure at work and maybe as her friend the most caring and generous thing I could do was let her me angry at me to give her a break from all of those other emotions. But I was also so hurt. Devastated. I'd told Carey to could me out of any plans that weekend because I wanted to be available to either spend the weekend or an overnight at Shana's place or have her stay with us for some comfort, cooking, and a movie or ten. I'd actually said what I said to her that day in an effort to spare her feelings and give her a break from her grief. And I'd put so much effort into being Shana's friend when she hadn't been the easiest person to get to know or spend time with (she's a wonderful person, but so difficult to get to open up and feel comfortable with). And after almost three years of seeing each other almost every day, she thought I was laughing at her and judging her work productivity on her first day back after her mother's death. Rather than ask me a question she had decided that I must be cold and heartless.
I took it.
I texted her and told her that while I hadn't thought even for a second that she was lazy or even taking it easy, that I took full responsibility for not saying the right thing and that hurting her was literally the last thing I had intended. She wrote back and said,
"I was really bummed about it, especially coming from you since you are the person I am closest to in the office. I'm not mad or anything it just really hurt my feelings but i accept ur apology."
I wanted to say that she obviously WAS mad given the text message that she had just sent. I wanted to ask how she could so easily accept my apology but not have given me the benefit of the doubt in the first place. And I really wanted to ask how in the ever living f*ck we were supposed to function as coworkers, never mind friends after such a major (yet strangely anticlimactic) pseudoconfrontation, but instead I apologized again and went home and chugged wine and cried myself to sleep.
I did my best after that to be sensitive to anything Shana may have been feeling and tiptoed around her and eventually got up the courage to ask her about how she was sleeping, make sure she was eating, and how she was feeling about her mom (when we were out of the office). But now all of those gestures of friendship felt incredibly stiff and weird and really scary. It felt like trying to pet a feral cat. And every time I spoke to Shana I looked for signs that I was saying the wrong thing. I felt that she either still hated me, thought I was being fake, or that she never knew me to begin with and that our friendship was not anything close to what I'd thought it was.
Oh God. I'm starting to feel like this post reads like my old junior high school diary entries. I'm not a perfect person and I'm not always the best friend, but I do believe that I'm a compassionate person, and I'm not sure I can have a true friendship with someone who really does believe that I can be deliberately callous and cruel. I don't know.
Our mutual friend Becky came into town last weekend and Shana texted me and said,
"I've been meaning to tell you that Becky will be here this weekend. She wants to hang out."
I replied, "I would love to. Are you comfortable with that?"
Her: "What do u mean? Lol"
Me: "You were really hurt and upset with me. I wasn't sure if we were back in the friend zone yet and if you weren't feeling it I wanted to respect that."
Her: "Ohhhh i see. I would like for you to come out with us if ur free. I don't hold grudges crazy!"
So all is good, right? Not right. Does this make any sense? I'm intensely uncomfortable being close with and opening myself up to someone who makes a general assumption about my intentions and character that is so negative. And I'm not sure why someone would want to be friends with a person who made fun of them to their face after their mother died. I would never "break up" with Shana during her grieving process. I am her closest friend at work and I don't want to confront her or potentially hurt her when she needs someone to be there for her unconditionally. But being her friend right now feels just horrible for me.
Shana came back to work on January 9th and I heard from my coworker that the first thing that happened was that our very maternal office manager had given Shana a very huggy condolence and Shana lost it and started crying.I was surprised Shana was already back at work and figured she wanted to keep busy and take her mind off of her grief, so I was very careful not to bring up her mom while we were at work. Instead, I asked her generally how she was, and then I asked her if she had been out that day. She replied that she had been out an hour ago, to Target. I chuckled and said, "Oh, I meant to clients," and when she said no, I filled her in on our mutual client and told her I would forward her the latest report on that person. I didn't see Shana before the end of the day, but I got this text message that evening:
"I just wanted to let u know that u really hurt my feelings today when u came into the office and asked me if I had gone out of the office. When i told u i had gone to target during my lunch, u laughed and said "i meant actual work" in a condescending way. U were talking to me like i was some lazy piece of shit who had decided to sit in the office all day and do absolutely nothing after returning from some fun exotic vacation or something rather than someone who had just watched their mom die and practically planned the entire damn funeral service by themselves. Earlier that day, Kim and I had agreed that I would take it easy and not see clients at all. Obviously I am still dealing with my mother's death and I will be for the rest of my life and I just wanted to take it easy on my first day back to work and the fact that you would make such a rude and condescending remark was just cold and heartless."
It's hard for me to put into words how I felt reading that text, because it changed every half-second. Confusion, shock, sadness, guilt, confusion, hurt, anger, disbelief, guilt, confusion. I called Shana immediately but she didn't pick up. I left a rambling message and asked her to call back. When she didn't, I realized I was going to have to text her (ehght). I knew that just because she was completely wrong about my intentions (and about what I had actually said to her), she felt how she felt and there was absolutely no way I was going to argue with her and tell her that her perception was wrong while she was grieving for her mother. It also occurred to me that she was feeling sad, helpless, and probably insecure at work and maybe as her friend the most caring and generous thing I could do was let her me angry at me to give her a break from all of those other emotions. But I was also so hurt. Devastated. I'd told Carey to could me out of any plans that weekend because I wanted to be available to either spend the weekend or an overnight at Shana's place or have her stay with us for some comfort, cooking, and a movie or ten. I'd actually said what I said to her that day in an effort to spare her feelings and give her a break from her grief. And I'd put so much effort into being Shana's friend when she hadn't been the easiest person to get to know or spend time with (she's a wonderful person, but so difficult to get to open up and feel comfortable with). And after almost three years of seeing each other almost every day, she thought I was laughing at her and judging her work productivity on her first day back after her mother's death. Rather than ask me a question she had decided that I must be cold and heartless.
I took it.
I texted her and told her that while I hadn't thought even for a second that she was lazy or even taking it easy, that I took full responsibility for not saying the right thing and that hurting her was literally the last thing I had intended. She wrote back and said,
"I was really bummed about it, especially coming from you since you are the person I am closest to in the office. I'm not mad or anything it just really hurt my feelings but i accept ur apology."
I wanted to say that she obviously WAS mad given the text message that she had just sent. I wanted to ask how she could so easily accept my apology but not have given me the benefit of the doubt in the first place. And I really wanted to ask how in the ever living f*ck we were supposed to function as coworkers, never mind friends after such a major (yet strangely anticlimactic) pseudoconfrontation, but instead I apologized again and went home and chugged wine and cried myself to sleep.
I did my best after that to be sensitive to anything Shana may have been feeling and tiptoed around her and eventually got up the courage to ask her about how she was sleeping, make sure she was eating, and how she was feeling about her mom (when we were out of the office). But now all of those gestures of friendship felt incredibly stiff and weird and really scary. It felt like trying to pet a feral cat. And every time I spoke to Shana I looked for signs that I was saying the wrong thing. I felt that she either still hated me, thought I was being fake, or that she never knew me to begin with and that our friendship was not anything close to what I'd thought it was.
Oh God. I'm starting to feel like this post reads like my old junior high school diary entries. I'm not a perfect person and I'm not always the best friend, but I do believe that I'm a compassionate person, and I'm not sure I can have a true friendship with someone who really does believe that I can be deliberately callous and cruel. I don't know.
Our mutual friend Becky came into town last weekend and Shana texted me and said,
"I've been meaning to tell you that Becky will be here this weekend. She wants to hang out."
I replied, "I would love to. Are you comfortable with that?"
Her: "What do u mean? Lol"
Me: "You were really hurt and upset with me. I wasn't sure if we were back in the friend zone yet and if you weren't feeling it I wanted to respect that."
Her: "Ohhhh i see. I would like for you to come out with us if ur free. I don't hold grudges crazy!"
So all is good, right? Not right. Does this make any sense? I'm intensely uncomfortable being close with and opening myself up to someone who makes a general assumption about my intentions and character that is so negative. And I'm not sure why someone would want to be friends with a person who made fun of them to their face after their mother died. I would never "break up" with Shana during her grieving process. I am her closest friend at work and I don't want to confront her or potentially hurt her when she needs someone to be there for her unconditionally. But being her friend right now feels just horrible for me.