It's been three months...
So, it's been three months since my last post. I guess I'm just more of a lurker these days in that I must check all of my pages (LJ, FB, Twitter, etc) multiple times a day, but I rarely post anything to any of them. I'm a "like"-er. You know, one of those people who, on FB, just "likes" everyone's stuff, but rarely do people see anything from me. And it's not like I don't have anything to say. I have TONS to say. TONS of stuff runs through my head constantly. The other day, I pictured my thoughts as lines of prose in my head, but with multiple other thoughts whizzing by like shooting stars at an angle across that prose. Rarely does anything get fully thought out or finished because I'm constantly distracted by those shooting stars. I think it's hard to write journal entries because of that - I don't know how to get it all out coherently.
When I was in high school - you know, back in the days before the internet (yes, I'm that old) - when I was upset at someone (usually a newly EX boyfriend), I would write all of my feelings down on paper - just your basic lined notebook paper. It was a culmination of thoughts that had been bottled up and things I never said. Sometimes, with words in all caps as if I was screaming it at them. And sometimes, I'd give it to the person who caused all of those feelings as kind of a last ditch effort to get them to understand how they'd made me feel. I was stupid over boys back then. If only I would have had the self-confidence to brush them aside when they hurt me. Anyway, I can't say that it ever really did any good in repairing the relationship, but writing all of that stuff down and giving it to someone usually still felt good. It was the need to get it all out and stop bottling it up, regardless of how pathetic it made me look, or how little effect it had on things, that really worked. A couple days ago, as I laid in bed feeling bad over something between Kacey and I, I considered getting up and writing things down, old-school style. Pen and paper. But things fly by so quickly in my head these days that I don't think I could write it all down and do it justice. I can only write so fast. There'd still be thoughts stuck in my head that didn't get freed. And the issue between us is years old, so there is over a decade worth of thoughts there. Ugh.
I also thought that maybe I could get a little tape recorder (or well, maybe my phone does that?) and start recording all of my thoughts, since I seem to be better at verbalizing the lines of prose in my head (even with the occasional side bits/shoot stars) when I'm alone and talking to myself. Not when anyone is around me, just when I'm talking to myself. I'm a pretty good conversationalist when I'm the only one there. Sigh. But then there's the whole bit about no one ever hearing it. It's still bottled up in a way. Even when I post here, there are still people that read it. Even if we've never met in person, and my only relationship with you is through the internet, YOU are still reading it. It's nice. If only I could managed to post here regularly. Back to where I started, not being able to type fast enough to vomit all of my feelings into text. (Not a pretty image, huh?)
Eh, time for bed. I told Kacey I'd be right there, but then I started typing this long post. Oh well. Not quite "right there" as I expected.
When I was in high school - you know, back in the days before the internet (yes, I'm that old) - when I was upset at someone (usually a newly EX boyfriend), I would write all of my feelings down on paper - just your basic lined notebook paper. It was a culmination of thoughts that had been bottled up and things I never said. Sometimes, with words in all caps as if I was screaming it at them. And sometimes, I'd give it to the person who caused all of those feelings as kind of a last ditch effort to get them to understand how they'd made me feel. I was stupid over boys back then. If only I would have had the self-confidence to brush them aside when they hurt me. Anyway, I can't say that it ever really did any good in repairing the relationship, but writing all of that stuff down and giving it to someone usually still felt good. It was the need to get it all out and stop bottling it up, regardless of how pathetic it made me look, or how little effect it had on things, that really worked. A couple days ago, as I laid in bed feeling bad over something between Kacey and I, I considered getting up and writing things down, old-school style. Pen and paper. But things fly by so quickly in my head these days that I don't think I could write it all down and do it justice. I can only write so fast. There'd still be thoughts stuck in my head that didn't get freed. And the issue between us is years old, so there is over a decade worth of thoughts there. Ugh.
I also thought that maybe I could get a little tape recorder (or well, maybe my phone does that?) and start recording all of my thoughts, since I seem to be better at verbalizing the lines of prose in my head (even with the occasional side bits/shoot stars) when I'm alone and talking to myself. Not when anyone is around me, just when I'm talking to myself. I'm a pretty good conversationalist when I'm the only one there. Sigh. But then there's the whole bit about no one ever hearing it. It's still bottled up in a way. Even when I post here, there are still people that read it. Even if we've never met in person, and my only relationship with you is through the internet, YOU are still reading it. It's nice. If only I could managed to post here regularly. Back to where I started, not being able to type fast enough to vomit all of my feelings into text. (Not a pretty image, huh?)
Eh, time for bed. I told Kacey I'd be right there, but then I started typing this long post. Oh well. Not quite "right there" as I expected.