(no subject)
It's so hard going through life with this empty part inside of me that everyone else has filled. It's why I get depressed so easily. It's not because I'm weak or immature - it's because I'm missing some very important things in my life, things necessary to be a fully functional person. Most everyone else takes these things for granted. I never had close relationships as a child during the most formative years of my life; I never had a sense of belonging to my family; so I don't have that inner strength to feed off of like other people do. And I'm dying to fill that void inside of me. I don't mean a quick fix or a person who will magically solve all my problems (I've tried those routes already). I just need that reservoir inside of me to be filled with good relationships and with people in my life and with being needed and accepted and loved. It's so hard living without that thing I need so badly. Everyone needs that in their lives, but most people were able to fill up their reservoir at least somewhat over the years, and they have that to fuel them and help them through their lives, but I'm running on fumes. That's why rejection and abandonment hurt so bad for me, because I'm running on fumes to begin with. And it's why people throughout my life mistake me as being unappreciative, because they can't understand exactly how big that void inside me is, and how much it will take to make it not feel empty anymore. Yes you're being a friend to me, but yes I still hurt, because that hurt is just so big, and then they tell me I'm bad for still hurting, but I can't help that that hurt is still there, and then I feel afraid to trust my own feelings. It sucks when people tell you you shouldn't hurt when you do really hurt. I'm not selfish or shallow or immature for wanting a few people who can be really present in my life...it's because I never experienced what it was like to live together and share my life with other people. Sure I lived together with my family for 20 years, but we were strangers living under the same roof. I'm missing something that I need...that everyone human needs... I wonder when (if?) I can finally find what I need and not feel bad anymore.