(no subject)
Still feeling the same melancholy I wrote about before, but I did commit to a St. Lucia trip with JQ to attend his friend's wedding in August. That's a long way away... and hopefully we will be back on track and even stronger than before. I believe that can happen for us... but even though we've been together basically since the night we laid eyes on each other -- July 15, 2006 -- we're still learning about each other.
Sometimes, I am thankful that we did not become engaged the first time we considered doing so (two Octobers ago... hard to believe). We are definitely not ready to be married because we are moody, selfish, immature people. But sometimes, I wonder... if we were married, would I feel the way I've been feeling lately or would I feel secure and happy? There's no way to know. I'm guessing I would still feel this sense of despair.
It crept up on me today on my way home from school. Despair. Panic. What if this isn't where I'm supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be. I love my students, the people I live among, I love the mountains. But I'll always want to fly away, and wonder what life would be like if I had... some people get cold feet on their wedding day. I get a sense of cold feet when I wonder if I've followed God's divine will, or my own selfish desires, with the life I've decided to pursue.
I know I've been posting song lyrics a lot lately... and what a sterotypically emo-kid thing it is to do, but I picked up the most recent Little Big Town CD yesterday and "Fine Line" is one of my favorite songs in a while, plus it complements this post so well! I think Little Big Town is a bit like a new, redneck Fleetwood Mac. They're great... I saw them for free a few years ago in the park and then with Sugarland and Jake Owen with some church girls this spring. Anyway, here's the song:
Fine Line
Little Big Town
Completely complacent
So decidedly vacant
I keep waiting for something to give
But that something is
always me
You consume what you’re able
I get crumbs from your table
You call this comfortably normal
But I call it getting by
Baby, it’s a fine line
I’m holding on, you’re holding back
Baby, it’s a fine line
Can’t you hear me knockin’ at your door?
But you’re taking your sweet time
In love, out of touch
Baby, it’s a fine line
Baby, it’s a real fine line
Do you feel the distance
Like I feel resistance?
If I pulled any farther away
Would you even come after me?
But the one thing I’m fearing
Is that I’m disappearing
How can I keep believing
If you won’t prove me wrong?
Baby, it’s a fine line
I’m holding on, you’re holding back
Baby, it’s a fine line
Can’t you hear me knockin’ at your door?
But you’re taking your sweet time
In love, out of touch
Baby, it’s a fine line
Baby, it’s a real fine line
My other favorite song from this album (A Place to Land), by the way, is Vapor. I also picked up AC/DC's brand new one Black Ice AND found the DVDs of the complete series of Christy for $14. Thanks, Wal-Mart... call them an evil corporation, but I will be busy rocking out and swooning over Dr. MacNeill.
Sometimes, I am thankful that we did not become engaged the first time we considered doing so (two Octobers ago... hard to believe). We are definitely not ready to be married because we are moody, selfish, immature people. But sometimes, I wonder... if we were married, would I feel the way I've been feeling lately or would I feel secure and happy? There's no way to know. I'm guessing I would still feel this sense of despair.
It crept up on me today on my way home from school. Despair. Panic. What if this isn't where I'm supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be. I love my students, the people I live among, I love the mountains. But I'll always want to fly away, and wonder what life would be like if I had... some people get cold feet on their wedding day. I get a sense of cold feet when I wonder if I've followed God's divine will, or my own selfish desires, with the life I've decided to pursue.
I know I've been posting song lyrics a lot lately... and what a sterotypically emo-kid thing it is to do, but I picked up the most recent Little Big Town CD yesterday and "Fine Line" is one of my favorite songs in a while, plus it complements this post so well! I think Little Big Town is a bit like a new, redneck Fleetwood Mac. They're great... I saw them for free a few years ago in the park and then with Sugarland and Jake Owen with some church girls this spring. Anyway, here's the song:
Fine Line
Little Big Town
Completely complacent
So decidedly vacant
I keep waiting for something to give
But that something is
always me
You consume what you’re able
I get crumbs from your table
You call this comfortably normal
But I call it getting by
Baby, it’s a fine line
I’m holding on, you’re holding back
Baby, it’s a fine line
Can’t you hear me knockin’ at your door?
But you’re taking your sweet time
In love, out of touch
Baby, it’s a fine line
Baby, it’s a real fine line
Do you feel the distance
Like I feel resistance?
If I pulled any farther away
Would you even come after me?
But the one thing I’m fearing
Is that I’m disappearing
How can I keep believing
If you won’t prove me wrong?
Baby, it’s a fine line
I’m holding on, you’re holding back
Baby, it’s a fine line
Can’t you hear me knockin’ at your door?
But you’re taking your sweet time
In love, out of touch
Baby, it’s a fine line
Baby, it’s a real fine line
My other favorite song from this album (A Place to Land), by the way, is Vapor. I also picked up AC/DC's brand new one Black Ice AND found the DVDs of the complete series of Christy for $14. Thanks, Wal-Mart... call them an evil corporation, but I will be busy rocking out and swooning over Dr. MacNeill.