This is about Kris.
So, this isn't based on any recent events. But I was reminiscing about my life around when I met Kris. It was very chaotic. This thought was actually started by the, 'am i religous?' question. Well, for a very long time I wasn't. I thought I was completely forsaken, and had prayed to god for years to send me someone who loved me. I felt so alone, so empty, I thought he couldn't have possibly existed and abandoned me like he did. And this was my mindset for a long time. But, years later, when I had already tried to, give up on my life, a few times, someone came into my life. Someone who loved me immediately. Loved me without reason, but with every reason, for every reason, at the same time. I was convinced this was the unconditional love I had asked God for. Just a little late, but not too late, because I was still alive. Kris wanted to tke care of me as soon as we met. Sometimes it still doesn't seem real. That three years ago, someone looked into my eyes, and changed his life to be with me, to make me part of it. Now, when I met Kris, I felt immediatly that I wanted to care for him, to help hime, and to make him happy. It wasn't long, that I felt I loved him, but love isn't something I throw around lightly. So I kept it to myself as long as possible. It became overwhelmingly obvious that he loved me. I knew it was true, I saw it in his eyes, and smile the way he looked at me. Now I see it everytime he looks at me. You can ask him, he looks up at me and I'm staring into his eyes, I still get that chill, a good chill, whenever he looks up and catches me. Now, we have a special love. It's interesting, different at times. But we are on the same page. Jealous? Sure, sometimes. Fight? It happens, everyone does. But I believe our love is unique. It's so real, for years (3) I've had a hard time giving couples that I know the time of day reality wise, because I didn't believe other people could possibly feel what we feel. Its so strong, its violent, tumultous love, but its good. Its the way we protect anything dear to us, magnified a thousand times. He turned my life around. Made me a good person. Made me an alive person... You see, he made my life worth something. To me, I'm not worth much. When i was suicidal, I thought to myself, the only waste in ending my life was losing what I would be in the future, because I knew how hard I worked for years, and the loss of that, was what I mounred. Not my life, not hurting others when I did it. I got so sad. Now I wonder how, how could I want to die so much, so constantly. But then I remember that I was alone. The feeling of alone. It's the worst feeling, in the entire world. I think i was meant to meet him, and that why my, 'attempts', were never successful. I think I wanted to destroy myself a lot. Cutting, drugging, stuff like that. It's the desecration that feels good. Destroying something beautiful. That's what I do everytime I dye my hair, and get body art, (though nothing permanent) because it destroys me a little at a time, and I like it. It's just that now, it can't be violent. Because of Kris. Because I couldn't bring myself to leave hime, hurt him, betray him like that. Because I couldn't stand to lose him. He's my life. I really could credit him with my being alive. Loving him the way I do, its the most amazing feeling in the world, and I can't wait to be with him all the time. To stand by him, and just love him. I think a lot of people don't really understnad us. At first, its jealousy of us being 'sickly sweet' or 'digustingly cute' or just 'the perfect couple' and stuff like that. I like it there. I'd like to stay there. But it usually changes a bit. I think others feel we are a bit obess-y, but its just because we're so much in love, that its painful to be apart. And just having him there is good for me, mentally, it makes me happy. Ok, so its not the most productive way to write a report but hey, I get feed back. Hahaha. Anyways, he's always there for me. Honestly, even just from 'normal' illness, I would have totally fallen apart if it weren't for him. Well, this post is quite long enough. Hahaha. Anyways, I miss him like crazy. <3