whatev.
Note to self: Bring PSP/PS to work to make icons while bored. Because when something as delicious as this pops up, I want to be able to icon NOW, damn it!! OMG, I love his crooked little smile. Buh-bye, emo bangs!
I really didn't want to say anything about Lindsay Lohan because as much as I love reading all the gossipy bullshit, I don't really talk about it becase it's all so ridiculous and trivial. However, the girl is a fucking idiot and her sister isn't too far behind. Without even getting into the fact that both these girls NEED SCHOOLING!!! and need to learn to love the spell check, I have to say that blaming your daddy for the fact that you've turned into a drunken, coked-out slag is a cop-out.
Look, I think a good percentage of us have daddy issues. I've seen mine 4 times in 31 years - the last time being 1998. My mother, - I love her, I do and I would do anything for her, and have - well, she loved the bottle, the coke, the speed and her pot. It is what it is and she's been sober for a very long time. It took her almost dying to get her to quit drinking but hell, whatever needs to be done. And so there is a part of me that feels for the poor girl. She obviously has absolutely NO support system or structure in her life. Her mother is a fame whore insane-o stage mom who should just stop pretending to be her daughter's best friend and be her fucking mother but I digress...Addiction is a very serious thing and with her father being a drunk, it runs in her family. And unfortunately, it seems like no one took the girl to Alanon or any of those kids of drunks meetings (can't say I went, either. They tried to get me to go but back then I wasn't one to share and grow). But I think now that I should have because as much as I love my mom and the woman she is today, I still have a whole lot of issues with what she put me through. And, well, dad - those are just issues. Any issue, every issue - it's all Steven's fault. And I really did think that for a very long time. I can't get a guy who loves me - Steven, we have no money - Steven (which, well, yeah, actually because the ass only paid my mom $120 a month for 5 years), I didn't finish school - Steven because I have such bad self-esteem that I wouldn't have had if he had JUST LOVED ME!!! OMG the ANGST.
However, my views now, as I get older and he gets older, are changing. I worry that I will never speak to him again. I worry that I won't be able to tell him that I don't blame him for everything like I told him once in a letter. I don't know how to get in touch with him - no one on that side of the family speaks to me. I'm the one they all pretend didn't exist. And that's fine. I've grown used to it and the perpetual sadness that is in me for it. Not so much that I don't know THEM but that they don't know ME. Because I? KICK ASS. ;) And I'm sad for them that they don't know me.
But here's the thing about all that - daddy issues and drunks for parents - you make a choice. I saw my mother do all those things and I made the choice not to do it. I have a drink sometimes but, generally, not for me. I don't like drugs, I barely can take Advil PM without being all loopy the next day. And I made a choice about my dad (and I didn't even need therapy!) - that I could just stop blaming him for everything I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do. I didn't finish school because of me. Because I got scared of the future, because I got lazy. I stayed in a horrible relationship for 14 years because I was just as in love with drama as I was with him. It gave me something to cry about, to wail on about...it gave me one hell of a good reason to blame Steven. But it's just such a cop-out. I made all of my decisions. I fucked up things. I have no trouble giving myself credit...but when it comes to the bad stuff, we always want to blame someone and I finally stopped doing that. I got rid of bad boyfiend, I didn't finish school, but I got over caring about it because it just wasn't meant to be, I allowed myself to love D. because why wouldn't I? For the few months, I resisted, it still went back to DADDY ISSUES and finally, I just looked in the mirror and was sick of all that bullshit. I had to be responsible for me and my actions. I couldn't grow up and be the person I always thought I would be if I didn't.
And, yeah, that girl? She has a ton of issues. But what she needs to do is get out of California, get away from her mother, get away from people who say she's hit a rough spot (UH, REALLY??? That's one way of putting it...), and get some help. She needs to be accountable for her own life and her own actions and maybe when she does that, she can start to break free. She can't get help until she decides to she needs it. And I don't want to feel bad for this girl because jesus, she really just monumentally STUPID but she is beyond lost and she's surrounded by people who don't see that. And blaming your dad for every little thing will not help you. Or her little sister. I understand the anger, the pain, the feeling of betrayal, the questions of why didn't this one person love me like they were supposed to? - I get it all but blaming him for Lindsay's "rough spot" is just ridiculous. No one is responsible for her doing the things she's done other than her. And maybe if she ever goes to a real rehab - like, say, Betty Ford, where they will not tolerate her mountain of bullshit and they don't treat their patients with kid gloves - she'll have to face her demons and DEAL WITH HER LIFE.
OMG, I just want to shake her. And I'm sure you all think I'm completely insane right now and it's possible.
I really didn't want to say anything about Lindsay Lohan because as much as I love reading all the gossipy bullshit, I don't really talk about it becase it's all so ridiculous and trivial. However, the girl is a fucking idiot and her sister isn't too far behind. Without even getting into the fact that both these girls NEED SCHOOLING!!! and need to learn to love the spell check, I have to say that blaming your daddy for the fact that you've turned into a drunken, coked-out slag is a cop-out.
Look, I think a good percentage of us have daddy issues. I've seen mine 4 times in 31 years - the last time being 1998. My mother, - I love her, I do and I would do anything for her, and have - well, she loved the bottle, the coke, the speed and her pot. It is what it is and she's been sober for a very long time. It took her almost dying to get her to quit drinking but hell, whatever needs to be done. And so there is a part of me that feels for the poor girl. She obviously has absolutely NO support system or structure in her life. Her mother is a fame whore insane-o stage mom who should just stop pretending to be her daughter's best friend and be her fucking mother but I digress...Addiction is a very serious thing and with her father being a drunk, it runs in her family. And unfortunately, it seems like no one took the girl to Alanon or any of those kids of drunks meetings (can't say I went, either. They tried to get me to go but back then I wasn't one to share and grow). But I think now that I should have because as much as I love my mom and the woman she is today, I still have a whole lot of issues with what she put me through. And, well, dad - those are just issues. Any issue, every issue - it's all Steven's fault. And I really did think that for a very long time. I can't get a guy who loves me - Steven, we have no money - Steven (which, well, yeah, actually because the ass only paid my mom $120 a month for 5 years), I didn't finish school - Steven because I have such bad self-esteem that I wouldn't have had if he had JUST LOVED ME!!! OMG the ANGST.
However, my views now, as I get older and he gets older, are changing. I worry that I will never speak to him again. I worry that I won't be able to tell him that I don't blame him for everything like I told him once in a letter. I don't know how to get in touch with him - no one on that side of the family speaks to me. I'm the one they all pretend didn't exist. And that's fine. I've grown used to it and the perpetual sadness that is in me for it. Not so much that I don't know THEM but that they don't know ME. Because I? KICK ASS. ;) And I'm sad for them that they don't know me.
But here's the thing about all that - daddy issues and drunks for parents - you make a choice. I saw my mother do all those things and I made the choice not to do it. I have a drink sometimes but, generally, not for me. I don't like drugs, I barely can take Advil PM without being all loopy the next day. And I made a choice about my dad (and I didn't even need therapy!) - that I could just stop blaming him for everything I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do. I didn't finish school because of me. Because I got scared of the future, because I got lazy. I stayed in a horrible relationship for 14 years because I was just as in love with drama as I was with him. It gave me something to cry about, to wail on about...it gave me one hell of a good reason to blame Steven. But it's just such a cop-out. I made all of my decisions. I fucked up things. I have no trouble giving myself credit...but when it comes to the bad stuff, we always want to blame someone and I finally stopped doing that. I got rid of bad boyfiend, I didn't finish school, but I got over caring about it because it just wasn't meant to be, I allowed myself to love D. because why wouldn't I? For the few months, I resisted, it still went back to DADDY ISSUES and finally, I just looked in the mirror and was sick of all that bullshit. I had to be responsible for me and my actions. I couldn't grow up and be the person I always thought I would be if I didn't.
And, yeah, that girl? She has a ton of issues. But what she needs to do is get out of California, get away from her mother, get away from people who say she's hit a rough spot (UH, REALLY??? That's one way of putting it...), and get some help. She needs to be accountable for her own life and her own actions and maybe when she does that, she can start to break free. She can't get help until she decides to she needs it. And I don't want to feel bad for this girl because jesus, she really just monumentally STUPID but she is beyond lost and she's surrounded by people who don't see that. And blaming your dad for every little thing will not help you. Or her little sister. I understand the anger, the pain, the feeling of betrayal, the questions of why didn't this one person love me like they were supposed to? - I get it all but blaming him for Lindsay's "rough spot" is just ridiculous. No one is responsible for her doing the things she's done other than her. And maybe if she ever goes to a real rehab - like, say, Betty Ford, where they will not tolerate her mountain of bullshit and they don't treat their patients with kid gloves - she'll have to face her demons and DEAL WITH HER LIFE.
OMG, I just want to shake her. And I'm sure you all think I'm completely insane right now and it's possible.