i suck
So I've had this lj for about 5 years - and I noticed that I don't even have 400 posts. That's just super lame, isn't it? Like either put up or shut down, right? I also made a wee bit of a resolution, although I don't like resolutions because the imminent failure of them cripples me that it becomes self-fulfilling and FAIL FAIL FAIL all over the place, BUT I still made a conscious decision to post at least 4 times a week, 5-6 would be ideal. I've posted once in two months. I completely suck at life.
I have so much I want to discuss, not just wedding stuff, either, but things in general, TV a lot but I'm SO swamped at work EVERY SINGLE BLEEPING DAY, I barely have time to email tlace which is the real crime here. And when I get home I'm so exhausted after the drive and cleaning and cooking and blah blah BLAHHHHHH that I barely sit on the couch without drooling on myself.
And as I sit here completely unhappy with the way I look and KNOW I have to start to eat better and need to start excersing if I want to fit into that beautiful gown I purchased so I should put the Reese's heart DOWN and get on the treadmill. But I feel like I'm just sabotaging myself at this point I'm so angry at me but I also feel like I'm a force that I can't reckon with and I'm so sad about it all that I don't even know where to begin. Obviously. Because that was a big mass of thoughts out of nowhere. I'm oozing disappointment lately.
We're going to Vermont this weekend. I'm so unenthusiastic about it that I don't even know the name of the place we're going. I NEED the break and it will be nice once we get there but on the other hand I feel like any money we have should be going to the $$ we already owe OR the wedding. He's like it's all paid for and the majority is all paid for, yes, but there are still things that the money we have doesn't cover! It's like talking to a brick wall, honestly. And off he goes skiing and whatever else and I buy one pair of insanely expensive shoes (IES), a dress and a cardigan for the biggest event I do all year - our wine and food tasting - and he's like well, I can spend x amount of dollars on my guitar then and I'm left standing there like a fish out of water, thinking how's that? Skiing is like $100 a pop. I haven't bought a shirt for over $10 in over a year! SUCK IT.
I ordered the save the dates - you'll see them when I get them - so that made me excited, the invitations I loved turned out to be as expensive as I thought they would be which was a bummer for a while but Tee had me think of 5 words to describe how I see the invites and wedding and that seemed to work well. So as of now I'll be going with an invite at Hello Lucky - unless I LOVE my save the dates so much that I decide to have her do the invites, as well. I had a bad meeting with a florist - I'm told she's just "off-putting" which is fine, I can be bitchy, too, but if I'm trying to sell one of the most useless things to someone like, say, FLOWERS, in these tough times, I wouldn't shoot down EVERY SINGLE IDEA and then say, "Talk to me in July". NO, ma'am, I will NOT be talking to you in July. So that put me in a big flower funk, where I currently am posting this from. They're fucking flowers, people. I don't even really like or care about flowers and YET HERE I AM.
Though I FAILED (natch) at the 100 movies in '08 by 7, I'm trying again this year so I need to get that list up. For every excellent movie I see, I watch about 3 that aren't. Typical.
AND on top of all that? I totally got sucked into watching Idol AGAIN this year. How does this HAPPEN??!?!! But I kind of totally adore the new judge. I like it when she's mean. It makes me feel better.
I hope you are all well and that I get to play "catch-up" with you soon :)
I have so much I want to discuss, not just wedding stuff, either, but things in general, TV a lot but I'm SO swamped at work EVERY SINGLE BLEEPING DAY, I barely have time to email tlace which is the real crime here. And when I get home I'm so exhausted after the drive and cleaning and cooking and blah blah BLAHHHHHH that I barely sit on the couch without drooling on myself.
And as I sit here completely unhappy with the way I look and KNOW I have to start to eat better and need to start excersing if I want to fit into that beautiful gown I purchased so I should put the Reese's heart DOWN and get on the treadmill. But I feel like I'm just sabotaging myself at this point I'm so angry at me but I also feel like I'm a force that I can't reckon with and I'm so sad about it all that I don't even know where to begin. Obviously. Because that was a big mass of thoughts out of nowhere. I'm oozing disappointment lately.
We're going to Vermont this weekend. I'm so unenthusiastic about it that I don't even know the name of the place we're going. I NEED the break and it will be nice once we get there but on the other hand I feel like any money we have should be going to the $$ we already owe OR the wedding. He's like it's all paid for and the majority is all paid for, yes, but there are still things that the money we have doesn't cover! It's like talking to a brick wall, honestly. And off he goes skiing and whatever else and I buy one pair of insanely expensive shoes (IES), a dress and a cardigan for the biggest event I do all year - our wine and food tasting - and he's like well, I can spend x amount of dollars on my guitar then and I'm left standing there like a fish out of water, thinking how's that? Skiing is like $100 a pop. I haven't bought a shirt for over $10 in over a year! SUCK IT.
I ordered the save the dates - you'll see them when I get them - so that made me excited, the invitations I loved turned out to be as expensive as I thought they would be which was a bummer for a while but Tee had me think of 5 words to describe how I see the invites and wedding and that seemed to work well. So as of now I'll be going with an invite at Hello Lucky - unless I LOVE my save the dates so much that I decide to have her do the invites, as well. I had a bad meeting with a florist - I'm told she's just "off-putting" which is fine, I can be bitchy, too, but if I'm trying to sell one of the most useless things to someone like, say, FLOWERS, in these tough times, I wouldn't shoot down EVERY SINGLE IDEA and then say, "Talk to me in July". NO, ma'am, I will NOT be talking to you in July. So that put me in a big flower funk, where I currently am posting this from. They're fucking flowers, people. I don't even really like or care about flowers and YET HERE I AM.
Though I FAILED (natch) at the 100 movies in '08 by 7, I'm trying again this year so I need to get that list up. For every excellent movie I see, I watch about 3 that aren't. Typical.
AND on top of all that? I totally got sucked into watching Idol AGAIN this year. How does this HAPPEN??!?!! But I kind of totally adore the new judge. I like it when she's mean. It makes me feel better.
I hope you are all well and that I get to play "catch-up" with you soon :)