Chase a dream & fly to the morning.
How do you move on after true love slowly fades away and dwindles down to nothing but dust on the ground?
What do you do when you know that there's a person out there to whom you meant the world and now, they live a new life with new people and new surroundings; a life in which you don't exist; a life in which it's as if it never happened at all.
How do you go out at night with your friends and have the time of your life but still have to fake smiles and fake laughter at times becaue the pain is still there in full force? And as much as these people mean to you, and as much as they have done for you and as much as they have lifted you up, you still hurt. You probably will for a long time.
How do you then come home to an 8'x10' room with nothing but an uncomfortable mattress and a fleece blanket to hold you and keep you warm and listen to your secrets, your fears, your dreams and your sadness?
How do you sit in your room and look out the window at the clear October sky and see the stars shining and know that hundreds of miles away, there's a girl who is beneath the same stars who has moved on and probably isn't thinking of you?
How can you begin to pick up the pieces and put everything back together if some of the pieces are still missing? They are pieces that you chose to give away. Pieces from the very depths of your heart that not many people get to see. But you chose to let them see it. Because they meant the world to you. And now you're left sitting here wondering if you yourself will ever see those pieces again, and if it really meant that much to them.
What do you do when every movie you watch, every song you hear, every word you read, every beautiful sight you see reminds you of them?
How can you pack up your bags and just move on when that person meant the world to you for a year? For a year, that person and being with them and their happiness and making everything work out was all that mattered to you. And then one day, they don't want it anymore. All of the time, all of the love, all of the memories and vacations and nights spent together laughing, dancing, crying, kissing, embracing. All of those are seemingly just burned away, left as a pile of ashes that you have to put in a jar and place in a box that sits hauntingly under your bed.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I did. But I don't.
This weekend was great, it really was. Just chilling out with Timo and Ryan on Friday in my room until 2:00 in the morning while they pimped out and fixed my computer. Seeing the most depressing movie of all-time yesterday then going on a shopping adventure at the mall and enjoying loaded cheese fries, buffalo wings and double cheese quesadillas at Ruby Tuesday's. An all-nighter with Caitlin and Amber, spent having a dance party and singing duets and watching Elf and going from floor to floor in Day stealing Halloween decorations from every floor and and placing them on different floors.
I love these people here. They are amazing, and I am so grateful to have them all in my life.
They do make me smile. They do make me laugh. They do help me heal and make me forget about everything.
But at this point, all of that is still only temporary. At the end of the day, when I crawl into that bed alone without someone to call and talk to for hours about anything and everything like I had for a year, I feel empty. That's the only way I can really describe it. I feel empty.
And I don't know what it's going to take to not feel empty and fill myself up again and to get out of this rut.
Thank you, everyone. Thank you for your patience and your kindness and your love and for listening to me everytime I have myself an emotional breakdown and for being the best psychiatrists I could ever ask for.
And I'm sorry that I'm not okay. Believe me, I wish I was. And I can't say for sure when I will be. But it will be soon enough.
What do you do when you know that there's a person out there to whom you meant the world and now, they live a new life with new people and new surroundings; a life in which you don't exist; a life in which it's as if it never happened at all.
How do you go out at night with your friends and have the time of your life but still have to fake smiles and fake laughter at times becaue the pain is still there in full force? And as much as these people mean to you, and as much as they have done for you and as much as they have lifted you up, you still hurt. You probably will for a long time.
How do you then come home to an 8'x10' room with nothing but an uncomfortable mattress and a fleece blanket to hold you and keep you warm and listen to your secrets, your fears, your dreams and your sadness?
How do you sit in your room and look out the window at the clear October sky and see the stars shining and know that hundreds of miles away, there's a girl who is beneath the same stars who has moved on and probably isn't thinking of you?
How can you begin to pick up the pieces and put everything back together if some of the pieces are still missing? They are pieces that you chose to give away. Pieces from the very depths of your heart that not many people get to see. But you chose to let them see it. Because they meant the world to you. And now you're left sitting here wondering if you yourself will ever see those pieces again, and if it really meant that much to them.
What do you do when every movie you watch, every song you hear, every word you read, every beautiful sight you see reminds you of them?
How can you pack up your bags and just move on when that person meant the world to you for a year? For a year, that person and being with them and their happiness and making everything work out was all that mattered to you. And then one day, they don't want it anymore. All of the time, all of the love, all of the memories and vacations and nights spent together laughing, dancing, crying, kissing, embracing. All of those are seemingly just burned away, left as a pile of ashes that you have to put in a jar and place in a box that sits hauntingly under your bed.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I did. But I don't.
This weekend was great, it really was. Just chilling out with Timo and Ryan on Friday in my room until 2:00 in the morning while they pimped out and fixed my computer. Seeing the most depressing movie of all-time yesterday then going on a shopping adventure at the mall and enjoying loaded cheese fries, buffalo wings and double cheese quesadillas at Ruby Tuesday's. An all-nighter with Caitlin and Amber, spent having a dance party and singing duets and watching Elf and going from floor to floor in Day stealing Halloween decorations from every floor and and placing them on different floors.
I love these people here. They are amazing, and I am so grateful to have them all in my life.
They do make me smile. They do make me laugh. They do help me heal and make me forget about everything.
But at this point, all of that is still only temporary. At the end of the day, when I crawl into that bed alone without someone to call and talk to for hours about anything and everything like I had for a year, I feel empty. That's the only way I can really describe it. I feel empty.
And I don't know what it's going to take to not feel empty and fill myself up again and to get out of this rut.
Thank you, everyone. Thank you for your patience and your kindness and your love and for listening to me everytime I have myself an emotional breakdown and for being the best psychiatrists I could ever ask for.
And I'm sorry that I'm not okay. Believe me, I wish I was. And I can't say for sure when I will be. But it will be soon enough.