changes
What a bunch of changes have occured. They were, of course, insidiuos, creeping up on me like the early morning fog on Livingston street. I almost missed it, but then it blindsided me and I almost didin't recognize it at all. I had not expected the changes that Leanne's leaving have caused in me. She has left before, four years in a row.But those seemed gut wrenching at the time, but merely temporary. Now she is gone for a whole year, no breaks, no respite, no glimpse for a year. Sure, there will be email and LJ, which have been wonderful, but no smiling face in front of me. So here's the changes that has produced. I wake up each morning and turn on the computer. I check the time and try to mentally calculate what Leanne is doing. I turn on AIM, to see if she is on line. I check LJ before my email, all in gloriuos hope that she will be there. I have even IM'd *Samantha*, who misses her, too.
But I found other changes equally absorbing.The other two children, here at my back all the time. They are part of my every thought, too. I worry constantly that I am hurting Becky's feelings by doing or saying something small and insignificant like, 'how's things'. You see, Becky does not let you know how she feels. Oh sure, we all know how she feels about Gay Rights, or even abortion, but how she feels about herself, her fragile self esteem is never clear. When she is not in my sights, I find myself sending out little prayers that her day is going well, that no one is tromping on her, that she figures out a direction soon. And it's constant. I never worried about Becky before. I knew she could handle herself, slay her own dragons, as it were. But it has become apparent to me that she has a lot of little dragons, nipping at her heels. Insidiuos changes...
Then there's Cindy. She is trying desperatley to seperate from us to go to school. So the changes occuring with her are because of her. I don't think she has said 10 sentences to us in a week. She may , occasionally burst out and be silly, but mostly she stays to herself, asserting her independence in a healthy, well adjusted, safe way. At home, she can totally ignore all else and focus on her needs, while being in the coccon of safety; home. SO i find myself looking at her like the mother bird pushing her baby out of the nest. She's gotta go, I know she's a little scared, so am I, but she has wings, she just needs to fly. And my beek is getting tired of pushing. GET OUT before I bend my beek!
The only thing I have not changed is my love of coffee. My Tom just came downstairs and turned on the pot. Most people around here don't hear the pot dripping, but I wait like a hot kid in August feels waiting for the ice cream man. So I will stop rambling and move to the coffee mug he will pour for me of that sweet elixir of life.As far as changes go, the old saying "If you don't change, you don't grow" seems to apply. So, here's to growing- maybe someday I will feel like an adult. Love to all
But I found other changes equally absorbing.The other two children, here at my back all the time. They are part of my every thought, too. I worry constantly that I am hurting Becky's feelings by doing or saying something small and insignificant like, 'how's things'. You see, Becky does not let you know how she feels. Oh sure, we all know how she feels about Gay Rights, or even abortion, but how she feels about herself, her fragile self esteem is never clear. When she is not in my sights, I find myself sending out little prayers that her day is going well, that no one is tromping on her, that she figures out a direction soon. And it's constant. I never worried about Becky before. I knew she could handle herself, slay her own dragons, as it were. But it has become apparent to me that she has a lot of little dragons, nipping at her heels. Insidiuos changes...
Then there's Cindy. She is trying desperatley to seperate from us to go to school. So the changes occuring with her are because of her. I don't think she has said 10 sentences to us in a week. She may , occasionally burst out and be silly, but mostly she stays to herself, asserting her independence in a healthy, well adjusted, safe way. At home, she can totally ignore all else and focus on her needs, while being in the coccon of safety; home. SO i find myself looking at her like the mother bird pushing her baby out of the nest. She's gotta go, I know she's a little scared, so am I, but she has wings, she just needs to fly. And my beek is getting tired of pushing. GET OUT before I bend my beek!
The only thing I have not changed is my love of coffee. My Tom just came downstairs and turned on the pot. Most people around here don't hear the pot dripping, but I wait like a hot kid in August feels waiting for the ice cream man. So I will stop rambling and move to the coffee mug he will pour for me of that sweet elixir of life.As far as changes go, the old saying "If you don't change, you don't grow" seems to apply. So, here's to growing- maybe someday I will feel like an adult. Love to all