this hurts
Well for those of you who read my June,10th entry you will know what im talking about. If you didnt... you might want to just so you understand a bit more.
Well I had the first section of my soccer tournament today. My mom showed up with my lil nephew, Johnathan. I didnt think much of it. You know... I just thought she had him for the day and decided to bring him out. Well.... later did I find out, there was another bash between my sister and nathan,(her "boyfriend). The reason why I put "." around 'boyfriend' was simply because they are pretty much together still but just not currently living together. I guess she's been staying with nathan and his friend for a week or so just until she found somewhere else to live;which I believe she has now. And I guess earlier today they had a HUGE and I mean H-U-G-E fight. My mom hasnt told me details yet because she doesnt want Johnathan to hear. All I know is that my brother showed up on the situation and it was horrible... and the environment was absolutely NOTHING the baby should be around. So he took Johnathan to my mom's house. I guess for the past few weeks or so Nathan has been a complete asshole to my sister... god knows why. I dont know if I mentioned this in my June,10th, but when we(we as in my sister, nathan's friends, and I) were doing that garage sale last weekend all Nathan did was ride around on his new effing motorcycle for two days straight and when he came back his excuse was, 'oh... well i was looking for other people to help' then he'd sit on his ass in the living room, call his other friends and yell at them for not helping and drink beer. WHAT A FUCKIN SCUM BAG. He never use to be like this. My sister and I think its because of these new people he's hanging out with. They're complete druggies. Not just with pot.. but like hard core shit like coccain, and all that nasty stuff. They sit around and shoot up all day. I hope to god Nathan isnt doing that shit. He's so much better of a person than that. But anyways back to the point... I called my mom after I got home from my second game today which was about 3:00 and I asked her if Johnathan had gone home yet and she said no Khrisenda hadnt picked him up.(Khrisenda is my sister by the way.). And so I asked her what exactly had happened and she said all that she could tell me right then was that when Johnathan went to her house he kept saying,'Daddy needs to be nice to my mommy.... daddy's mean to mommy.' hold on im gonna cry. This is so hard for me to see such a beautiful little 2 year old boy witness these types of things between his parents. There is not a kid in the world who should be saying things like,'daddy needs to be nice to mommy.' Expecially a fuckin 2 year old. For god sakes what is wrong with people today. I personally would love to fuckin kill Nathan right now. If he EVER stops seeing his son I WILL do something about it. Mark my fuckin words. EVERY KID DESERVES A DAD. I was watching The Real World yesterday and a part of the show was about Jaquese. He was talking about how he grew up without a dad. How he would go to school and hear about all the kids talking about what they did with their dad lastnight.... or something nice their daddy did for them. And how much he HATED not having that.. and not being able to ever share stories about his dad. I started crying because this guy is like 20 years old... and how he still fuckin suffers from growing up without a dad by his side. How much pain he's gone through. How much anger he's had for life. IT MAKES ME SICK! AND DISGUSTED! That there are men out there who would not grow enough fucking balls to see his fuckin kid. If only they fucking knew how it felt. I was about 4 or 5 before I really knew who my dad was. I knew him... but not like a daughter should have. My fuckin sister and her boyfriend at the time were closer to me and made more time for me than my dad EVER did. It was I guess until he heard enough of my mom's yelling and screaming over the phone that he decided to see me. And even then... I only saw him about once or twice every week or two... only on sundays. PATHETIC HUH!?!!! Yeah I remember when I was about 2. I remember waking up to my mom yelling at my dad on the phone,telling him how big of a PIG he was for not getting his ass over there and seeing his own god for saken daughter. Yeah i remember like it was yesterday. I'd wake up in tears... asking my mom why she did that. Asking why he deserved to be talked to like that. She'd explain it over and over but I was 2... I didnt get it. And I sure as hell dont think my nephew understands why this is all going on. All he knows right now is his surroundings. He knows to go with his parents. He doesnt know why. But he goes because he knows thats who he belongs to. Now... you think about it. This two year old boy who knows nothing about family besides his parents. And he sees these two people.. that he's supposed to run to for help... who he's supposed to belong to and be loved by FOREVER; he sees these two people fighting... hitting... and yellin. He's not going to know whats goin on. yeah.... he knows its not right. But he doesnt know why. All he's going to be left with is an empty, uncertain feeling. The same feeling I was left with when my dad was kicked out. This breaks my heart. No one deserves this. NO ONE. Err I need to do something to take this off my mind. Even though that wont happen because i have another early game tomorrow. God! Why him? Why now?
If you read this all I appreciate it... I really do.
<3
Well I had the first section of my soccer tournament today. My mom showed up with my lil nephew, Johnathan. I didnt think much of it. You know... I just thought she had him for the day and decided to bring him out. Well.... later did I find out, there was another bash between my sister and nathan,(her "boyfriend). The reason why I put "." around 'boyfriend' was simply because they are pretty much together still but just not currently living together. I guess she's been staying with nathan and his friend for a week or so just until she found somewhere else to live;which I believe she has now. And I guess earlier today they had a HUGE and I mean H-U-G-E fight. My mom hasnt told me details yet because she doesnt want Johnathan to hear. All I know is that my brother showed up on the situation and it was horrible... and the environment was absolutely NOTHING the baby should be around. So he took Johnathan to my mom's house. I guess for the past few weeks or so Nathan has been a complete asshole to my sister... god knows why. I dont know if I mentioned this in my June,10th, but when we(we as in my sister, nathan's friends, and I) were doing that garage sale last weekend all Nathan did was ride around on his new effing motorcycle for two days straight and when he came back his excuse was, 'oh... well i was looking for other people to help' then he'd sit on his ass in the living room, call his other friends and yell at them for not helping and drink beer. WHAT A FUCKIN SCUM BAG. He never use to be like this. My sister and I think its because of these new people he's hanging out with. They're complete druggies. Not just with pot.. but like hard core shit like coccain, and all that nasty stuff. They sit around and shoot up all day. I hope to god Nathan isnt doing that shit. He's so much better of a person than that. But anyways back to the point... I called my mom after I got home from my second game today which was about 3:00 and I asked her if Johnathan had gone home yet and she said no Khrisenda hadnt picked him up.(Khrisenda is my sister by the way.). And so I asked her what exactly had happened and she said all that she could tell me right then was that when Johnathan went to her house he kept saying,'Daddy needs to be nice to my mommy.... daddy's mean to mommy.' hold on im gonna cry. This is so hard for me to see such a beautiful little 2 year old boy witness these types of things between his parents. There is not a kid in the world who should be saying things like,'daddy needs to be nice to mommy.' Expecially a fuckin 2 year old. For god sakes what is wrong with people today. I personally would love to fuckin kill Nathan right now. If he EVER stops seeing his son I WILL do something about it. Mark my fuckin words. EVERY KID DESERVES A DAD. I was watching The Real World yesterday and a part of the show was about Jaquese. He was talking about how he grew up without a dad. How he would go to school and hear about all the kids talking about what they did with their dad lastnight.... or something nice their daddy did for them. And how much he HATED not having that.. and not being able to ever share stories about his dad. I started crying because this guy is like 20 years old... and how he still fuckin suffers from growing up without a dad by his side. How much pain he's gone through. How much anger he's had for life. IT MAKES ME SICK! AND DISGUSTED! That there are men out there who would not grow enough fucking balls to see his fuckin kid. If only they fucking knew how it felt. I was about 4 or 5 before I really knew who my dad was. I knew him... but not like a daughter should have. My fuckin sister and her boyfriend at the time were closer to me and made more time for me than my dad EVER did. It was I guess until he heard enough of my mom's yelling and screaming over the phone that he decided to see me. And even then... I only saw him about once or twice every week or two... only on sundays. PATHETIC HUH!?!!! Yeah I remember when I was about 2. I remember waking up to my mom yelling at my dad on the phone,telling him how big of a PIG he was for not getting his ass over there and seeing his own god for saken daughter. Yeah i remember like it was yesterday. I'd wake up in tears... asking my mom why she did that. Asking why he deserved to be talked to like that. She'd explain it over and over but I was 2... I didnt get it. And I sure as hell dont think my nephew understands why this is all going on. All he knows right now is his surroundings. He knows to go with his parents. He doesnt know why. But he goes because he knows thats who he belongs to. Now... you think about it. This two year old boy who knows nothing about family besides his parents. And he sees these two people.. that he's supposed to run to for help... who he's supposed to belong to and be loved by FOREVER; he sees these two people fighting... hitting... and yellin. He's not going to know whats goin on. yeah.... he knows its not right. But he doesnt know why. All he's going to be left with is an empty, uncertain feeling. The same feeling I was left with when my dad was kicked out. This breaks my heart. No one deserves this. NO ONE. Err I need to do something to take this off my mind. Even though that wont happen because i have another early game tomorrow. God! Why him? Why now?
If you read this all I appreciate it... I really do.
<3