mess
the frontal lobe of the brain - yeah, wish i didn't have one of those right now. i'm reading this book called Stumbling on Happiness and basically it's about how our mind works and why we think the way we do and blahblahblah. in this book it talks about the frontal lobe a little bit and how it's use is connected with planning. people with damaged frontal lobes don't have the ability to plan ahead and pretty much take every day as it comes. right now that would work to my advantage. usually when i plan ahead things don't go my way and if i didn't have a frontal lobe right now i might be able to sleep at night. hmm, now that i'm really thinking about it maybe i do like having one afterall.. whatever. i don't know what i'm thinking anymore.
briefly, i just want my shit back from feddy. i want the money that is owed to me and i want my things and then i want him out of my life forever. he's out of my life right now but with him having my things and me having his, he's still kind of there somehow. i want him out of my head and i never want to think about him again. i hate the dreams i'm having lately because they involve him in some sort of way and i hate how they wake me up at night. i hate how i still think about him, especially when he's the last thought in my head at night and the first thought in the morning. i'm really tired of waking up in a bad mood brought on by thoughts of him and our relationship. i hate how i feel guilty when i think about moving on so quickly. i hate how i can't even look at another guy without thinking angry thoughts. it bothers me that he still has me and i never really had him. i hate how he had to be the first person i fell in love with. i hate how after all of this he's just made me feel like shit about our relationship.
in november a very close friend to the family, my dad's best friend since he was 10 to be exact, was involved in a horrible accident. he was drunk and had a stroke and went through a guardrail where he hit a tree sideways. he was in the hospital for two months hooked up to feeding tubes and a respirator because he broke all the ribs on one side of his body and most of the ones on the left. he had a collapsed lung and broken bones in his right arm. he's really lucky to be alive. now, two months later he's recovering in a rehabilitation center. he doesn't remember where his house is or what it looks like, even though he was there while it was being built. he can't tell you what simple things are such as a key or a phone. he remembers things relevant to his job and construction tools. my family and i visited him in the hospital on one of his bad days and it hit me just then how serious this was. he'll never be the same. he probably won't ever see out of his eye again. it bothers me thinking what camping will be like this year, if he can even go. a man going from being able to walk on his hands for a mile to not even being able to write a letter on a piece of paper really disturbs me. and through all of this i was more worried about myself and what was going on with me than what was going on with him. this upsets me even more.
i wish i could gain control of my thinking patterns and my emotions and everything else you should be in control of. i think i'd be a much happier person.
briefly, i just want my shit back from feddy. i want the money that is owed to me and i want my things and then i want him out of my life forever. he's out of my life right now but with him having my things and me having his, he's still kind of there somehow. i want him out of my head and i never want to think about him again. i hate the dreams i'm having lately because they involve him in some sort of way and i hate how they wake me up at night. i hate how i still think about him, especially when he's the last thought in my head at night and the first thought in the morning. i'm really tired of waking up in a bad mood brought on by thoughts of him and our relationship. i hate how i feel guilty when i think about moving on so quickly. i hate how i can't even look at another guy without thinking angry thoughts. it bothers me that he still has me and i never really had him. i hate how he had to be the first person i fell in love with. i hate how after all of this he's just made me feel like shit about our relationship.
in november a very close friend to the family, my dad's best friend since he was 10 to be exact, was involved in a horrible accident. he was drunk and had a stroke and went through a guardrail where he hit a tree sideways. he was in the hospital for two months hooked up to feeding tubes and a respirator because he broke all the ribs on one side of his body and most of the ones on the left. he had a collapsed lung and broken bones in his right arm. he's really lucky to be alive. now, two months later he's recovering in a rehabilitation center. he doesn't remember where his house is or what it looks like, even though he was there while it was being built. he can't tell you what simple things are such as a key or a phone. he remembers things relevant to his job and construction tools. my family and i visited him in the hospital on one of his bad days and it hit me just then how serious this was. he'll never be the same. he probably won't ever see out of his eye again. it bothers me thinking what camping will be like this year, if he can even go. a man going from being able to walk on his hands for a mile to not even being able to write a letter on a piece of paper really disturbs me. and through all of this i was more worried about myself and what was going on with me than what was going on with him. this upsets me even more.
i wish i could gain control of my thinking patterns and my emotions and everything else you should be in control of. i think i'd be a much happier person.