"these are my confessions..."
my life is such shit right now.. like, really. it sucks. ive just been so fucking depressed since like thanksgiving. i feel like my life has just been falling apart since last xmas and i just hate this time of the year now. i cant stop thinkign about how my parents got divorced. and about how my aunt called us "godless heathens" 2 years ago because we dotn go to church. i fucking HATE church. it never did me any good. i hate religion. causes nothing but trouble in my opinion.
i want to move to california so bad but then my mom will be by herself and i think that would kill her to be home all by herself all the time. she would get even more depressed then she is now. i feel so bad for her cause shes always sad and i try to help but it doesnt do any good. and im her best friend and what if i moved away? im soooooo afraid of how she would be... shes always so stressed out and depressed and she holds it inside and im afraid shes going to have a heart attack from the stress and smoking. it scares the shit out of me to be completely honest.
plus if i move where will i work? how will i support myself? what happens if im broke and i cant pay my bills? i cant ask anyone for money.. everyone i know is just as broke as me. im never going to escape the eternal pit of debt. never.
i tried to get a real job.. got denied, i wasnt qualified enough. sucks. thats the only thing i could have seen digging me out.
i lost one great friend because of another... dana never wants to talk to me again.. man i couldnt have fucked this one up anymore if i tried. on the one hand she was my friend and friends dotn do what i did to her. but on the other hand. seriously there are a whole string of things that brought it on. really i honestly think that if you didnt drop off the face of the earth and stop hanging out with us for that month and a half it never would have happened. so i dotn care what anyone else says. i do blame you for a tiny bit of it. we wouldnt have been around each other as much if you didtn do that. and to be truthful with you. i am glad it happened though. he has been the only person that has even remotely made me forget about scott. and when we hung out. i totally forgot about him. so OBVIOUSLY that meant i liked him a lot. hanging out and just watching movies and shit.. i havent been that happy in so long. but the whole time i kept thinking about how mad youd be if you found out. adn when i weighed in all the stuff that was going on. it was just better to hang out with someone who was positive. having people call or text you to hang out is really nice when its not one way all the time. maybe you should try it.
and when we talked there was so much stuff i wanted to say to you but didnt because it just wasnt the time to say it.
as petty as this may seem, you had lots of that kind of stuff comming at me too so here is what botherd me. it made me really upset to see that you got me a magazine for my 21st birthday. like, seriously? wtf? first you said "oh karen is having a party for me at her house.. you can come if you want to.." like i wouldnt want to fucking go to your birthday or some dumb shit. then you spent all this money n shit on shirts and stupid cheap earrings a few days before and shit for you and then got me a magazine. for your birthday i got you this rad purse that you really wanted. it was $50 and i know you knew that. i had NO money at the time and i had to borrow money to make up enough to pay my car bills and phone bills. but i wanted to make sure that you got something you really wanted because it was important to me. and that was 2 days before my birthday so you even knew that i put some effort into yours. THEN.. when i wanna go bowling for my birthday 2 days later, i had to BEG you to come because you were mad at bryan and didnt want to be in teh same room as him. so you were willing to bail on me cause of him. then like 2 weeks later i got a magazine for my present. no offense but that is shitty. thats like, "oh thats cheap i can save some money for others stuff i wanna do. yea its convenient for me. i'll just do that" that has been bothering me a lot. i hope you read this.
and howcome you NEVER fucking called me? i always had to call you or i wont hear anything till theres a show? i tried it a few times to see if it was just me thinking and being dumb.. no i was right! 2 seperate occasions.. i didtn call you for 3 weeks. and for those 3 weeks. i didnt hear a single word from you. im starting to think that its better we arent friends now. im sorry that i hurt you. i really fucking am. but i was actually really happy when i was even around him. just being chill and watching a movie was more than enough. so sorry that i stabbed you in the back as you said. but i really am sorry. it was just nice to be around someone who seemed to care.
another reason im upset.. im in constant trouble with my car. it is a bottomless pit of money. i thought i bought a new car so i wouldnt have these problems to deal with. boy was i wrong. sooooo very wrong.
i hate my job. except for ryan. hes the only reason im still there. i miss adrian. im so glad hes back for break. i feel so unappreciated at work. like, i bust my ass there and get nothing in return. i want people to treat me like i matter there. today! we had to do a specific return that is a bit harder than most.. and seriously, I was the only person there who knew how to do it. HOW WOULD THAT STORE FUNCTION WITH OUT ME SOMETIMES REALLY. A SIMPLE RETURN AND THE MANAGER COULDNT DO IT! HE ASKED ME TO DO IT INSTEAD! that is so frustrating. new people can have all my hours and shit but when it comes down to actually doing stuff. i do test checks. i know how to do almost everything there. just give me some damn respect.
this is more than i felt like writing and i havent even scratched the surface.
i want to move to california so bad but then my mom will be by herself and i think that would kill her to be home all by herself all the time. she would get even more depressed then she is now. i feel so bad for her cause shes always sad and i try to help but it doesnt do any good. and im her best friend and what if i moved away? im soooooo afraid of how she would be... shes always so stressed out and depressed and she holds it inside and im afraid shes going to have a heart attack from the stress and smoking. it scares the shit out of me to be completely honest.
plus if i move where will i work? how will i support myself? what happens if im broke and i cant pay my bills? i cant ask anyone for money.. everyone i know is just as broke as me. im never going to escape the eternal pit of debt. never.
i tried to get a real job.. got denied, i wasnt qualified enough. sucks. thats the only thing i could have seen digging me out.
i lost one great friend because of another... dana never wants to talk to me again.. man i couldnt have fucked this one up anymore if i tried. on the one hand she was my friend and friends dotn do what i did to her. but on the other hand. seriously there are a whole string of things that brought it on. really i honestly think that if you didnt drop off the face of the earth and stop hanging out with us for that month and a half it never would have happened. so i dotn care what anyone else says. i do blame you for a tiny bit of it. we wouldnt have been around each other as much if you didtn do that. and to be truthful with you. i am glad it happened though. he has been the only person that has even remotely made me forget about scott. and when we hung out. i totally forgot about him. so OBVIOUSLY that meant i liked him a lot. hanging out and just watching movies and shit.. i havent been that happy in so long. but the whole time i kept thinking about how mad youd be if you found out. adn when i weighed in all the stuff that was going on. it was just better to hang out with someone who was positive. having people call or text you to hang out is really nice when its not one way all the time. maybe you should try it.
and when we talked there was so much stuff i wanted to say to you but didnt because it just wasnt the time to say it.
as petty as this may seem, you had lots of that kind of stuff comming at me too so here is what botherd me. it made me really upset to see that you got me a magazine for my 21st birthday. like, seriously? wtf? first you said "oh karen is having a party for me at her house.. you can come if you want to.." like i wouldnt want to fucking go to your birthday or some dumb shit. then you spent all this money n shit on shirts and stupid cheap earrings a few days before and shit for you and then got me a magazine. for your birthday i got you this rad purse that you really wanted. it was $50 and i know you knew that. i had NO money at the time and i had to borrow money to make up enough to pay my car bills and phone bills. but i wanted to make sure that you got something you really wanted because it was important to me. and that was 2 days before my birthday so you even knew that i put some effort into yours. THEN.. when i wanna go bowling for my birthday 2 days later, i had to BEG you to come because you were mad at bryan and didnt want to be in teh same room as him. so you were willing to bail on me cause of him. then like 2 weeks later i got a magazine for my present. no offense but that is shitty. thats like, "oh thats cheap i can save some money for others stuff i wanna do. yea its convenient for me. i'll just do that" that has been bothering me a lot. i hope you read this.
and howcome you NEVER fucking called me? i always had to call you or i wont hear anything till theres a show? i tried it a few times to see if it was just me thinking and being dumb.. no i was right! 2 seperate occasions.. i didtn call you for 3 weeks. and for those 3 weeks. i didnt hear a single word from you. im starting to think that its better we arent friends now. im sorry that i hurt you. i really fucking am. but i was actually really happy when i was even around him. just being chill and watching a movie was more than enough. so sorry that i stabbed you in the back as you said. but i really am sorry. it was just nice to be around someone who seemed to care.
another reason im upset.. im in constant trouble with my car. it is a bottomless pit of money. i thought i bought a new car so i wouldnt have these problems to deal with. boy was i wrong. sooooo very wrong.
i hate my job. except for ryan. hes the only reason im still there. i miss adrian. im so glad hes back for break. i feel so unappreciated at work. like, i bust my ass there and get nothing in return. i want people to treat me like i matter there. today! we had to do a specific return that is a bit harder than most.. and seriously, I was the only person there who knew how to do it. HOW WOULD THAT STORE FUNCTION WITH OUT ME SOMETIMES REALLY. A SIMPLE RETURN AND THE MANAGER COULDNT DO IT! HE ASKED ME TO DO IT INSTEAD! that is so frustrating. new people can have all my hours and shit but when it comes down to actually doing stuff. i do test checks. i know how to do almost everything there. just give me some damn respect.
this is more than i felt like writing and i havent even scratched the surface.