inside out.
As every day goes by...I find more and more flaws in myself. It seems endless, neverending. Sad to say, I have practically lived half my life in front of the bathroom mirror.
The truth is, even if it may seem like I have no fear.. a self-esteem as high as the mountains..or look as if I hold the world in my grasp. It's all a facade.. I really don't love myself.
I have my moments where I suffer occasional panic attacks usually on drugs or at the "comfort" of my own home, feel like crawling into a black hole, times when I feel two feet tall, and nights I cry myself to sleep. I wish I could accept all of my imperfections and just let myself be. But, theres always that part of me that forces myself to suffer and push to be better than I can be for vanity's sakes.
I have suffered through anorexia and still have tendencies.. longing for that feeling to float on thin air, praying for those collarbones that stick out, those killer hipbones, and stick legs. I have suffered through pulling out my hair, suffered through cutting myself, attempted suicides, also enduring child abuse. There has been countless times.. I ran away from home, turned to drugs and alcohol, called up my best friend and beg to stay at her place (I thank God for Maribel who has stuck by me through thick and thin). All of this has made me a stronger person.
I still show my insecurities. You can see it when I tug at my hair constantly making sure it is just right, check my mirror every 5 minutes, excuse myself to the ladies room every hour to set my makeup, take a breather a la cigg, or some booze to take the 'edge' off.
I am waiting for that day to come when I can look in the mirror, accept myself for all that I am, say
"I love myself."
And, to truly mean it with all of my heart. Hopefully, this will happen before I become an old, crippled lady stuck in a nursing home. But for now, I am still learning.
As for those of you who see me as this 'self-centered bitch', 'slut', 'junkie',..or whatever other stereotype you can pin on me, take the time to say hello. And, you will see I'm not that way at all.
This past week, I have broken 2 mirrors. So, I'm facing 14 years of bad luck? I don't believe in this. But, with my luck..who knows?
Sincerely,
Rachel
The truth is, even if it may seem like I have no fear.. a self-esteem as high as the mountains..or look as if I hold the world in my grasp. It's all a facade.. I really don't love myself.
I have my moments where I suffer occasional panic attacks usually on drugs or at the "comfort" of my own home, feel like crawling into a black hole, times when I feel two feet tall, and nights I cry myself to sleep. I wish I could accept all of my imperfections and just let myself be. But, theres always that part of me that forces myself to suffer and push to be better than I can be for vanity's sakes.
I have suffered through anorexia and still have tendencies.. longing for that feeling to float on thin air, praying for those collarbones that stick out, those killer hipbones, and stick legs. I have suffered through pulling out my hair, suffered through cutting myself, attempted suicides, also enduring child abuse. There has been countless times.. I ran away from home, turned to drugs and alcohol, called up my best friend and beg to stay at her place (I thank God for Maribel who has stuck by me through thick and thin). All of this has made me a stronger person.
I still show my insecurities. You can see it when I tug at my hair constantly making sure it is just right, check my mirror every 5 minutes, excuse myself to the ladies room every hour to set my makeup, take a breather a la cigg, or some booze to take the 'edge' off.
I am waiting for that day to come when I can look in the mirror, accept myself for all that I am, say
"I love myself."
And, to truly mean it with all of my heart. Hopefully, this will happen before I become an old, crippled lady stuck in a nursing home. But for now, I am still learning.
As for those of you who see me as this 'self-centered bitch', 'slut', 'junkie',..or whatever other stereotype you can pin on me, take the time to say hello. And, you will see I'm not that way at all.
This past week, I have broken 2 mirrors. So, I'm facing 14 years of bad luck? I don't believe in this. But, with my luck..who knows?
Sincerely,
Rachel