FICLET FRIDAY THE SEVENTIETH: STILLXMYXHEART

Jan 17, 2014 15:01



a father's guilt (Thomas, Grace, mentions of Madison and Ben [Thomas/Grace, references to Madison/Ben]), G


Thomas sighs as he flips off the bathroom light and shuffles towards the bed, and Grace lays her book down to look at him as he pulls back the sheets.

"Sweetheart, are you still thinking about Maddie?"

"Yeah," he says, sighing again as he settles against his pillows. "I'm just worried about her. Everything she told me earlier, reading between the lines... She didn't think she deserved to be loved, Grace, I mean, how am I supposed to handle that?"

"Maddie's been through a lot in her life," Grace murmurs, setting her book aside. "There have been a lot of changes, moving across the country when she was 12, going from being an only child to having a little brother at 13, everything she went through in high school in regards to her sexuality, dealing with everything her mother threw at her and being kicked out of the house... Her teenage years were very tumultuous, and I think it's pretty obvious that it had a somewhat detrimental effect on her, but that's not your fault, Thomas."

"But it's got to be partly my fault. I mean, I'm her dad. I saw the way her mother treated her and I tried to make up for that, I tried to give her as much love as I could, but Caroline just made everything so hard. Every time I wanted to spend time with Maddie, do things just the two of us, Caroline would guilt trip me, say I didn't love her, or I didn't love Jamie, and it just got to be such a hassle. Towards the end, I spent more time at work than I did at home, and then Maddie was so mad at me when she found out about the affair that I didn't even get to see her after I moved out. She didn't come to see me until November, I think, and we made up, and had a couple of good months together after that, before I moved back out here. I was beyond pissed when Caroline kicked Maddie out of the house, but in the end, it was better for her. David took really good care of her while she lived with him, and then I helped her get her own place, and she really seemed to thrive after that. I mean, she had a lot of relationships, but I tried to never judge her because of that. She promised me that she was being safe, and she seemed happy, you know?"

Grace nods, and Thomas sighs.

"But now I can't help looking at it in a different light, that she had so many relationships because - because she wasn't happy with herself, because it was easier to be with someone for one night, or a few weeks, rather than be serious with someone. Rather than let herself be loved by someone. I remember the few semi-serious relationships she had, with Chris and with Jena, including her friends with benefits thing she and Chris had going for a while, and then she and Ben got together, and she always seemed so happy with them. Maybe she didn't realize it, I don't know, but she was happy with them, and they seemed to truly care for her. But I guess when it got too serious, it was too much for her, and when Ben told her that he loved her, she got scared. She got scared because someone loved her, and I just don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal with my own daughter thinking that she doesn't deserve to be loved, being afraid of someone loving her."

"Maddie's made mistakes, there's no denying that," Grace says quietly, reaching for Thomas's hand. "But remember what she said tonight? She loves Ben. Yeah, her timing was off, and she made some bad choices, but she's finally able to accept love, and to give love, and that's worth something. Not to mention she accepts full responsibility for her actions, and that's something a lot of people in her same situation can't do."

Grace squeezes his hand, turning towards him slightly. "She doesn't blame you for her problems, and you shouldn't either. You're her dad, and she loves you more than anything. You and Maddie have a special relationship, because she was your first and only for so long, because her mother was such a horrible person to her and you felt like you had to protect her, and you did the best you could for her, but circumstances were just... really shitty. You're an incredible father, Thomas, to all of your children, but you're also human, and you have limits, just like everybody else. Your ex-wife pushed you to your limit, and she pushed you away from Maddie, and that's not your fault. If you hadn't given Maddie the love that you did, if you hadn't helped her like you did, imagine where she might be right now."

Thomas nods, taking a deep breath. "I have thought about that, and it scares me. All I've ever wanted to do was keep her safe."

"And you have. You kept her safe, but you gave her independence, and in the long run, I think that's what was best for her. She's had a lot of ups and downs, but I really think she's on the way to finally being truly happy. She's so excited to be back with Ben, it's so easy for her to admit that she loves him, and I think she's finally starting to make peace with herself and who she is. Focus on that. Focus on her future now."

Thomas nods, finally smiling as he looks over at her. "Thank you. And thank you for being a mother to Maddie. I know there's only 12 years between you two, and I worried for a while about how that would affect your relationship with each other, but she looks up to you, and I know you love her just as much as you do Jamie and Brianna, and that means so much to me, and to her."

"I am proud to be her mother. She's an amazing woman."

"She is. And so are you." Thomas's smile widens as he reaches over to cup Grace's cheek in his hand. "I love you."

"I love you too."

searching for understanding (Hannah, Eli, mentions of Madison and Ben [Hannah/Eli, references to Madison/Ben]), G


Eli sighs as he closes the door behind Ben and Madison, running his hand over his mouth as he turns towards the living room. He'd had no idea what to expect when Ben said he wanted to come over tonight to talk, but when Eli opened the door to see Madison standing there as well, he'd instantly suspected what they had to share.

Hannah's reaction had been extreme, though not exactly unexpected, and Eli wonders how to talk to her as he bends to pick up a throw pillow from the floor. He's not a fan of cheating either, but when he thinks about the reasoning for Ben and Madison's affair, he finds himself reserving judgment. They didn't get a chance to say it, but Eli has a feeling that Madison realized she loved Ben, and it was obvious Ben wasn't over her; coupled with the fact that they both have less than great impulse control, the affair seems like it was unavoidable.

Eli's mind drifts to his own experience with cheating, and then to Hannah's. Hers was arguably more traumatic than his, since Seth's emotional abuse became physical when she caught him, and it's not surprising that she views cheating in such a negative light.

Beth's affair had been emotionally devastating to Eli, and completely unexpected, but in hindsight, he understands that she was just lonely and needed more than he could give her at the time.

Beth cheated because she was lonely, but Seth cheated because he was an asshole, and Eli thinks that's why it's easier for him to accept Ben and Madison's affair. It was because they loved each other, and while that doesn't excuse it, it makes it more understandable.

Somehow, he needs to get that across to Hannah, and he sighs again as he starts towards the basement door.

"Babe?" he murmurs as he starts down the stairs. He hears a sigh, and a beat later Hannah comes into view, her head just visible over the back of the couch.

He walks over to look at her, and after a moment, he sinks down beside her. "Talk to me, sweetheart."

"What's to say?" Hannah replies, her shoulders rising in a shrug. "Maddie's the last person I ever thought would cheat on somebody, and she did. She had an affair for five months." Hannah shakes her head. "I just can't believe she did that."

"But why are you so upset?" Eli presses, turning to face her.

"I don't know," Hannah mumbles. "Because she cheated. Because she got married in the first place and moved away and left me, because she betrayed me -" She breaks off abruptly, pressing her lips tightly together, and Eli tips his head to the side as he looks at her.

"Okay, babe," he says softly, "we're focusing on the cheating right now. All of your other issues with Maddie are things you need to talk to her about."

Hannah huffs and swipes an impatient hand over her cheek. "She knows how horrible cheating is. I mean, she was so upset after she found out her dad had an affair, she saw how much it hurt when Seth cheated on me, and I just - don't understand how she could do that to Theo."

"Yeah, she made a bad choice, but Han..." Eli shifts and takes a breath. "Sweetheart, this isn't about you. She wasn't thinking about you when she made the choice to sleep with Ben, and she didn't do this to hurt you. I know you're disappointed, and I know you don't understand, but you have to accept that it happened and move on. You've missed her so much for the past year and a half, and I know you're happy to have her back. Your friendship with Maddie is a lot more important than her infidelity, and it's survived much worse things than this. I know you love her, and you're just looking out for her, but you can't keep her from making mistakes."

"When have I ever been able to?" Hannah says with a quiet snort, her head tipping back against the couch.

Eli laughs softly. "She's still Maddie. She's still your best friend, and I know she still loves you so much. Just - consider for a minute, why do you think she cheated with Ben?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. Come on, Han, think about it. Madison's never been one to go back on a break up; she never gets hung up on people, so why would she be so willing to go back to Ben, at the risk of having an affair?"

Hannah is quiet a moment, and then she says softly, "Because she loves him."

"And what's the one thing you've always wanted for her?"

"To be happy," Hannah whispers, staring at her hands where they rest in her lap.

"It looks like she's finally getting that. I mean, she's not like Seth, she didn't do this for vindictive reasons, she did it for love, but I have no doubt that she's feeling really guilty about what she did and I think the one thing she really needs right now is your support. Your opinion has always meant the most to her."

Hannah nods. "I do love her, and I am glad she's back, I think I just need to get over this stupid feeling of betrayal. I know this isn't about me, and I know I can't control Maddie's life. I just don't want to see her hurt anymore."

"And I really think that now that she's back with Ben, she's finally going to be happy."

Hannah nods again, taking a deep breath. "Just give me a few days. I think by Dad's party I'll be okay again, and I'll talk to her then."

Eli nods as well, reaching for her hand as he leans over to kiss her cheek.

"Come on, let's go get dinner started."

She nods, allowing him to pull her to her feet, and he kisses the side of her head as they start towards the stairs.

#future fic, !ficlet friday, character: hannah cole, *rating: g, !!ficverse: an eye for an eye, character: eli shaw, character: grace cartwright, pairing: grace/thomas, pairing: eli/hannah, character: thomas cartwright

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