Not Good Enough
Title: Not Good Enough
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama
Word Count: 9,460
Characters/Pairings: Chris, Claudia, David, Eli, Madison, Hannah, Warren, mentions of other characters (Chris/Claudia, Chris/Madison, Hannah/Eli, David/Juliet)
It's the end of May when Chris hears the front door open, and he steps from the kitchen to see Claudia closing it behind her.
"Hey," he says with a smile, moving to kiss her.
"Hey," she replies a little breathlessly when he pulls back.
"Dinner's almost ready. You want something to drink? Wine?"
She shakes her head, giving him a tight smile, and he frowns slightly.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just - I need to talk to you about something."
"Oh, yeah?" He grins a little. "So do I, but you go first."
"Okay," she murmurs, following him as he walks back to the kitchen. "Well, um, you know my friend Lisa?"
"Yeah, the one who lives in LA, right?"
Claudia nods. "I think I told you she has this little store out there, she sells clothes and purses and accessories and stuff."
Chris hums his acknowledgment as he checks the chicken in the oven, and Claudia shifts on her feet, nervously rolling her skirt between her fingers.
"Well, she and I were talking the other night, and she was telling me that a lot of people have complimented her on the jewelry I've made for her, including a couple of celebrities -"
Chris looks up with a grin. "That's awesome."
"Yeah," Claudia replies, the corner of her mouth rising. "I mean, nobody huge, but a couple of people who have been on TV recently." She takes a breath. "But anyway, we were talking, and she said that if I wanted to, I could sell my stuff in her store."
Chris's eyes widen as he grins again. "Hey, that's great! Are you gonna do it?"
"Yeah, um, I told her I'd really like that."
"That's amazing, I'm so proud of you," Chris says, stepping over to touch a quick kiss to her lips before moving back to tend to the pots on the stove.
"Yeah," she says with a quick, breathless laugh. "It's amazing. But, um, she also offered to let me live with her."
A frown creases Chris's brow as he sets the spoon in his hand on the stove. "Live with her? You - you mean move to LA?"
Claudia nods, biting on her lip, and Chris's frown deepens.
"I - I can't move to California -"
"I wasn't expecting you to."
Her voice is quiet, and she holds his gaze a moment before her eyes drop to the floor.
Realization hits him like he's been shot. "Are you breaking up with me?"
She looks up, but away, staring at his couch, and he takes a step towards her.
"Claudia?"
"I'm sorry, Chris -"
"When are you leaving?"
"Day after tomorrow," she says in a small voice, and his expression turns incredulous.
"Am I literally the last person to know that you're breaking up with me and moving across the fucking country?"
"I'm sorry -"
"You must not be all that sorry if you didn't think to tell me about this until two days before you left!" he says loudly.
"It's not like I need your permission."
"No, but as your boyfriend, I would've thought you'd tell me about this a lot sooner than now. I love you, Claudia." He stares at her, his eyes slowly brightening. "I thought you loved me."
She doesn't reply, and his face falls.
"It was a lie?"
"I told you what I thought you wanted to hear -"
"I wanted the truth!" he shouts, his eyebrows knitting together. "If you didn't love me, you - you should have told me."
"I care about you, Chris -"
"Not enough. Not enough." He shakes his head, one hand tight on his hip, the other braced against the table. "I was going to ask you to move in with me. That's what I wanted to talk to you about tonight."
She opens her mouth to speak, but he shakes his head again.
"Don't say you're sorry again, because you're not."
"I am, Chris. I didn't know how to tell you." She shrugs helplessly. "I guess I just - don't know how to be a good girlfriend. I wanted you to be happy, so I did what I thought you wanted me to do."
"Lying to me is not what I wanted you to do. Making me think you loved me is not what I wanted you to do. Hurting me -" His voice cracks, and he swallows hard. "- is not what I wanted you to do."
"I'm sorry for that," she says softly. "I really am. I'm sorry for everything."
Silence descends, and after a moment, she turns and starts for the door.
"Goodbye, Chris," she murmurs, her hand on the knob. "You'll probably be better off without me anyway."
The door opens and then closes behind her, and Chris stands a moment, staring at it, his hands limp at his sides.
Finally, feeling numb, he turns to walk back into the kitchen, turning off the burners and the oven; by the smell, the chicken's already burned, but he can't find it in him to care.
There's a potholder sitting on the lid of one of the pots, and he pulls it off, moving to toss it on the counter.
He stands still, and then rests his hands on the edge of the counter, squeezing his eyes shut as his tears rise again, fast and hot.
His head drops, and he gives it a sharp shake, his fingers gripping the counter's edge so tight his hands hurt.
"I won't," he gasps, sniffing hard, feeling like his heart is somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. "I won't be better off."
The next day at work, he's like a zombie, listlessly poking at his work and hiding behind his closed office door.
David calls a status meeting on open cases just before lunch, and has to say Chris's name three times before Chris hears him and looks up.
David raises his eyebrows. "The Baker case?"
"Right," Chris mutters as he straightens in his seat. "Um, no new leads, but Tony and Eli are out following something up on an old one."
David nods, his gaze lingering on Chris a beat longer, and then moves on to Agent Donahue.
The meeting ends, and as the agents are filing from the conference room, David asks Chris to hang back.
"What's up with you?" he asks when the room is empty. "You've never been that spaced out during a meeting."
Chris shakes his head, not wanting to tell David the truth, but not knowing what else to say.
"Claudia broke up with me last night, and you can save the 'I told you so', okay, because I really don't want to hear it."
David is quiet for a moment, his expression thoughtful, and then gives a short nod. "If Agents Shaw and Warren come up with anything new, let me know."
Chris nods and leaves the room, shutting himself up in his office once more.
He's not in there long when there's a tap on his door, and he stands to answer it, revealing Eli on the other side.
"Hey," Chris murmurs, stepping back to let the younger man inside. "Did you guys come up with anything?"
"Nah," Eli says as he walks over to sink into one of the chairs in front of Chris's desk. "It wasn't anything we didn't already know. And now I need you tell me what's wrong with you, because you've been all fucking gloom and doom since this morning."
Chris sits on the front edge of his desk, sighing as his shoulders slump and he stares down at his hands.
"Claudia broke up with me last night," he mutters.
Eli's eyebrows rise as he sits up. "What? Why?"
"She has this friend who lives out in LA, owns this clothing store, and offered to let her sell her jewelry there, and also offered to let her live with her."
Eli frowns in disbelief. "So she's just - moving to LA?"
Chris nods.
"When is she leaving?"
"Tomorrow."
"Jesus," Eli breathes. "She waited until almost the last minute to tell you."
"Yeah," Chris mumbles, still staring at his hands.
"I'm sorry, man, I'm really sorry. I know how much you loved her."
"Yeah," Chris says again, taking a breath against the tightness in his throat. He knows Eli won't judge him or make fun of him for it, but he still doesn't want to cry in front of him, especially not at work.
Eli smacks Chris's knee as he stands. "Come on, let's go get lunch."
Chris shakes his head. "I'm not really hungry."
"You'll feel better. Come on."
Chris manages a small smile and relents, pushing off the desk and following Eli from the room.
They grab burgers at the Pint, and by the time Chris is back in his office, he has to admit he does feel better.
It still feels like there's an empty place in his chest where his heart used to be, but rationally he knows these feelings won't last forever, and with just a little bit of time, he'll move past it.
A week later, Eli announces that he and Hannah are engaged.
There's a sharp pain in Chris's chest at Eli's words, a sudden, unexpected, and almost overwhelming flood of emotion, and he forces a tight smile as he grips Eli's hand and gives him a quick hug.
"Congratulations, that's awesome."
"Thanks," Eli says, grinning broadly, his face a little flushed.
It's obvious how happy he is, but all Chris feels is sick, and he closes himself up in his office when he finally gets away from the crowd of agents.
That night after work he goes to a bar near his apartment that he almost never goes to, and gets drunker than he ever has.
He stumbles back to his apartment just after midnight, and just makes it to his bedroom, collapsing facedown into bed without bothering to change his clothes.
His hand slides absently over the empty side of the bed and up to clutch the pillow, and as he drifts into an uneasy sleep, he's not sure who he wishes it were more.
The next morning, he oversleeps, and swears loudly when he sees what time it is.
He scrambles out of bed, and then stumbles slightly, muttering, "Shit," as his head pounds sharply.
He's pretty sure he's still a little drunk, but doesn't want to call in sick, and takes a quick shower before dressing quickly and heading to work.
After clocking in, he goes to the table in the main office to make a strong cup of coffee, and then goes back to his office, rummaging in the top drawer of his desk until he finds the small bottle of Tylenol he keeps there.
He chases three pills down with a deep gulp of coffee, and then rests his elbow on his desk, closing his eyes and letting his head fall against his palm as he waits for the medicine to kick in.
There's a sick feeling in his stomach, and he's not sure if it's the beer, the coffee, the lingering pain from Claudia breaking up with him, or Eli's announcement from the day before still ringing in his ears.
More likely a combination of all four.
He lifts his cup to his lips again just as his office door opens, and looks up to see David framed in the doorway.
"Did you just get in?" the older man asks, frowning.
Chris nods as he swallows. "Yeah, sorry, I overslept -"
"Are you drunk?" David interrupts, his expression turning to one of disbelief.
The question catches Chris off guard, and he gives a sharp, exaggerated shake of his head, which does nothing for his headache.
"No, of course not -"
"I've known you a long time, and I have seen you in various stages of inebriation, Chris. You're drunk."
"I went out last night, so yeah, I'm hungover, but I'm not drunk, David."
"You're drunk," David insists again. "You shouldn't even be here. I have never known you to be this irresponsible, what the hell were you thinking?"
"Just get off my back," Chris snaps, irritation swelling along with the pain in his head.
"Look, Chris, I'm sorry Claudia broke up with you, and I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make you feel any worse, but you're letting it affect your work, and I'm not going to put up with that."
Chris stands abruptly, coffee cup in his hand, and starts for the door.
"Just leave me alone, I'll be fine in a little while," he mutters, pushing past David and out into the main office, heading for the beverage table again.
"I'm not finished," David says, stalking after him. "You don't need to be here today."
"Today -" Chris starts, and then pulls up short when David appears in front of him.
"You're worthless. Go home."
Chris stares at David, taken aback, and glances around, suddenly aware of what seems like the entire office staring at them.
He reaches around David to set the cup in his hand on the beverage table, and then turns to go, muttering, "Yeah, I know," as he heads for the elevators.
Saturday night he's sitting restlessly in his apartment, trying to decide what he wants to do.
He feels oddly claustrophobic, and thinks if he doesn't get out and do something, he might explode.
The bar down the street crosses his mind again, as does maybe picking up one of the girls he saw there the other night, but then a better thought appears, and he reaches for his phone.
He types out a message to Madison - You available? - and sends it, tapping his finger against the side of his phone as he waits for her reply.
Yeah, Jamie's spending the night at a friend's house, so I'm free as a bird, she sends back a couple of minutes later. You wanna come over?
Yeah, he types. I'll be there soon.
When she opens the door a short while later, he immediately takes her face in his hands and presses his lips to hers, nudging the door shut with his foot as he starts to guide her towards her bedroom.
Her fingers grip his shirt as she kisses him back, and then her palms press flat against his chest as she breaks the kiss.
"Hey," she murmurs, pulling her head back as he goes to kiss her again. "Maybe we could talk a minute."
Chris huffs and scowls, taking a step away from her. "I didn't come here to talk."
"I know, but just for a minute -"
"No," Chris snaps, and then turns away from her with a sigh. "Forget it."
Madison hurries to catch him before he reaches the door, stepping in front of him and raising her hand to his chest.
"No, okay, it's fine." Her hand slides to the back of his neck as she pushes on her toes to kiss him, and she gives a slight shake of her head. "No talking. It's fine."
She kisses him once more, her hand sliding down to take his, and murmurs, "Come on," as she leads him to her bedroom.
They lie together after, neither of them speaking for a long time, and then his hand finds hers on the bed, tentatively gripping it.
"Is it - is it cool if I stay?" he asks quietly.
She nods, looking over at him and staring at his profile in the dim light. "Yeah, it's cool."
His fingers tighten around hers, and she squeezes back, sweeping her thumb over the side of his hand.
"You hungry?" she asks after a minute.
He nods, the corner of his mouth rising slightly, and she smiles as she sits up.
"C'mon, let's go study my takeout menus."
As they sit down to eat sometime later, Chris frowns a little as he toes aside a pair of kid-sized shoes.
"Why is Jamie staying with you, again? I think you told me, but I can't remember."
"I told you about Grace having her baby at the end of April?" Chris nods, and Madison takes a breath. "Well, it hasn't really been easy on her, she's dealing with post-partum depression right now, and you know normally I go out there in June, but Dad suggested I wait a couple of months, just to give Grace a chance to sort of - get back to normal. And then he suggested that Jamie come out here and spend the summer with me, so that he won't feel ignored while Dad's focusing so much on Grace and Brianna. Honestly, I think Jamie was grateful. He loves Grace, and is excited about the baby, but that situation can't be easy on him, and it's nice to have him out here for a while. I'll fly to California with him in August and spend a couple of weeks there, and then come back."
"I hope Grace is okay," Chris murmurs, frowning a little as he chews a bite of his food.
"She will be. I know Dad's doing everything he can to help her." Madison takes a sip of her drink, and glances over at Chris. "Jamie was really excited about getting to see you too. Maybe you guys could hang out soon."
"Yeah, maybe," Chris replies, flashing a smile before turning back to his food.
He has to admit, he has missed the kid, but right now he barely feels like he should be around people in general, let alone an 11-year-old.
After they finish eating, they watch a couple of movies, not talking much.
They go to bed after the last movie ends, facing each other, Chris's arm draped over Madison's side.
He closes his eyes to sleep, but she keeps hers open, staring at his shadowy features, a worried frown creasing her brow.
Once she's sure he's asleep, she lifts one hand to run her fingers through his hair and leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead before rolling over on her other side, pressing her back to his chest as she pulls his arm tighter around her.
The next afternoon, Madison's over at Hannah and Eli's.
"Chris came over last night."
"Oh yeah?" Hannah says, looking over at her. "Like, to hang out, or -"
"It ended up being both. We had sex, and then he asked if he could stay, so we had a late dinner, watched a couple of movies, and then he spent the night."
"Little bit of rebound sex?" Eli says as he drops into his chair next to the couch.
Madison shakes her head slowly. "I don't know, I don't think it was quite like that. He kissed me like, the minute I opened the door, and I suggested maybe we talk a little before, thinking he might want to vent, but he just got really annoyed and started to leave. I stopped him, told him we didn't have to talk. I was mostly worried that he'd go out and find someone else. I mean, I didn't think he'd like, hurt anybody, he just seemed dead set on the idea of sex, and I figured I was better than some random skanky bar chick or something. It's a good thing Jamie was sleeping over at his friend's house last night."
She shrugs, frowning a little. "I'm worried about him. I don't think he's handling this breakup well at all."
"Yeah," Eli murmurs. "He and David apparently had this argument Friday, David actually sent him home. I was out of the office when it happened, but from what I gathered later, Chris came to work late, and was drunk, or David at least thought he was, and made him leave."
Hannah nods, frowning as well. "Yeah, that's not like him at all. He's always taken his job seriously. If he's going out, getting drunk, looking for random hookups, showing up to work late..."
She trails off, and then looks at Eli.
"Maybe you should talk to him. You've got some similar experience in this bad breakup aftermath stuff."
Eli snorts. "Okay, I just had a lot of sex with girls from my classes; I didn't show up to work drunk."
"Close enough," Hannah retorts, throwing a pillow at him.
He laughs, throwing the pillow back at her, and then nods. "I'll see if I can't get him to go to lunch with me sometime this week."
Monday, Eli and Chris are both busy during lunch doing other things, but on Tuesday, Eli knocks on the door frame of Chris's office, and raises his eyebrows when the other man looks up at him.
"You want to grab some lunch?"
Chris looks at the papers on his desk, and then shrugs as he lays his pen down. "Sure."
A short while later they're at the Pint, settled in a booth together near the back. The bar is already steadily filling up with other agents, and Eli wants to try to minimize their chances of their conversation being overheard.
He keeps things light for most of their lunch, and then as they're both picking at the few fries leftover in their baskets, Eli clears his throat.
"So what happened Friday? All I've got to go on is office gossip."
Chris glances up at him, and then back down at his food. "What did you hear?"
"That you came to work late and drunk, and David made you go home."
Chris sighs. "Okay, yeah, I overslept, but I wasn't really drunk. I'd just - gone out the night before, and there was still like, a residual buzz thing happening."
Eli frowns. "You must have gotten pretty wasted, then, if you still had some in your system the next morning."
Chris shrugs, reaching for another fry, and Eli raises his eyebrows.
"Maddie said you came over to her place Saturday night."
Chris looks up, a slightly annoyed frown creasing his brow. "It was just sex, are you going to get on me for that too?"
"I'm not getting on you for anything; I'm just - laying some stuff out there."
"It was just a hook up, okay?"
"Not the way she tells it -"
"Jesus Christ, Eli," Chris snaps, shoving his basket away from him. "What is this, some bullshit intervention or something? Did you ask me here to tell me to get the fuck over it?"
"No," Eli replies, keeping his voice calm and even. "I asked you here because you're my best friend, and I'm worried about you. We all are. And I'm not telling you to get over anything. I know how much it sucks to have someone you love hurt you. But running away from the pain isn't going to fix anything."
He shakes his head. "All the girls I hooked up with after Beth and I broke up - it didn't make me feel any better, and I never really dealt with that betrayal when I should have. You can bury it away as much as you want, try to cover it over with beer or sex or whatever else, but sooner or later, it will come back to bite you in the ass, and it's going to hurt a lot more than it did the first time. Trust me."
A slight frown creases Chris's brow, and Eli sighs.
"I just want you to be careful, Chris. There are people who care about you, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you. Okay?"
Chris is quiet a moment, staring at the movement of his fingers as he wraps his straw wrapper around them, and then finally he nods.
"Okay."
"And if you ever need to vent, there's me, and Han, and Maddie. Don't bottle it all up inside."
Chris nods again, the corner of his mouth rising very slightly, and after a beat, he raises his gaze to Eli.
"Thanks."
Eli smiles crookedly, lifting his shoulders in a small shrug. "That's what friends do."
Chris starts to feel better for a little while, but then Thursday afternoon, Eli pokes his head through Chris's open office door.
"Hey, you're coming to the engagement party this weekend, right? Han wanted me to ask."
Chris stares at him, that uncomfortable wave of emotion swelling inside of him again, and then forces a tight smile and a quick nod.
"Yeah, of course."
Eli smiles and nods as well before disappearing from sight, and Chris sighs as he lets his head drop into his hands.
It's not just Claudia leaving that's affecting him, but the sudden resurgence of his feelings for Hannah.
He thought he'd left those behind long ago, thought he was happy with their relationship as it is, but it's as if her and Eli getting engaged is reminding him all over again of what he wanted for so long, and could never have.
Part of him doesn't want to go to the engagement party, doesn't want to see them so happy while he's so miserable, but they're his best friends, and he knows there's really no way he can't be there.
Saturday night, Chris arrives late to the party, which is at Hannah and Eli's townhouse, since it's just a small group of people including him, Madison, David, Juliet, John, Harry and his wife, Warren and Jeannie, and Eli's parents.
Hannah greets him with a bright smile and a hug, though she frowns slightly when she pulls away, and he has a feeling she can smell the beer he had before he left his apartment.
He smiles back, taking a deep breath against the tight feeling in his stomach. "Congratulations, Hannie."
She smiles again. "Thanks, Christopher. There's food and stuff in the kitchen, if you want anything."
He nods and makes his way to the kitchen, peering at the assorted dishes on the table, along with a couple that overflowed onto the counter, before grabbing a plate.
Eli joins him a moment later, and Chris gives him a vague smile.
"So glad my parents are here," Eli murmurs, reloading his plate. "Han and I were going to go up to see them, and then they just randomly decided to come visit, so we got to tell them about the engagement in person, and they got to come to the party."
"That's great," Chris says, spooning a bit of the pasta salad he knows Hannah made onto his plate.
Eli wanders back into the living room, and Chris takes a breath as he sets down his plate and turns towards the refrigerator to pull out a beer.
He tries to interact and be social, but eventually he ends up sitting on the stairs by himself, fourth beer of the evening clutched in his hand.
After a while, a pair of feet comes into his line of vision.
The pretty pink toenails can only belong to one person, and his gaze drifts slowly up the white dress patterned with pink polka dots, to the loosely curled blonde hair lying over smooth shoulders, and finally meets the hazel eyes staring at him.
"What are you doing?" Hannah asks, confusion and concern furrowing her brow.
His gaze drops to her shoulders to stare at the straps of her dress, really no more than white satin ribbons tied into neat bows, and a thought passes through his mind that later that night Eli will probably pull those ribbons loose and watch that dress fall from her perfect body.
Chris scowls and lifts the bottle to his lips before looking back at Hannah's face and raising his eyebrows.
"Drinking."
She arches an eyebrow back at him and nods. "Yeah, I can see that. I think it's time for you to stop."
She reaches forward with her left hand to take the bottle from him, and the ring on her finger catches the light, glittering brilliantly for just a moment.
His scowl deepens as he holds the bottle out of her reach, and she frowns as she stumbles slightly, grabbing the banister.
"Chris -"
"Did you kiss me because you were drunk?"
"What?" she asks as she straightens, looking confused again.
"When we kissed at that party, did you kiss me back because you were drunk?"
"I don't know," she says, shrugging, and then adds, "I really don't think now is the time or place to talk about that," as she glances around at the people assembled in the living room.
"What, Eli doesn't know? Too embarrassed about kissing me to tell him?"
"Chris, just stop," she says, reaching once again for the beer in his hand, and once again he jerks it out of her reach.
"Guess you just wanted to wipe that particular memory from your mind, right? Easier to kiss me when you're drunk, because then you can just use that as the excuse, because god knows you never would have kissed me sober."
The room has gone suddenly silent, and Hannah's cheeks are flushed, tears shining in her eyes.
"And now I've ruined your perfect party," Chris says, standing abruptly and making Hannah take a quick step back.
Eli steps over, frowning as his gaze flicks from Hannah to Chris.
"Chris -" he starts, reaching for the other man's arm.
"Don't worry," Chris snaps, twisting away from Eli. "I'm leaving."
He yanks open the front door and stalks from the house, beer still in hand; a beat later, Hannah goes after him, calling his name.
"It's fine, Hannah," he shouts, whirling around and throwing his arms out at his sides. "I get it. I'm not good enough for you. I'm not good enough for anybody. Just - go back to your perfect life."
The bottle in his hand smashes suddenly against the pavement, and he turns away again to continue down the road, shoes scuffing on the asphalt.
Hannah goes back inside and hurries immediately up the stairs, slamming the bedroom door behind her.
"We'll be right back," Eli murmurs as he heads upstairs after her.
"I'm gonna go find him," Warren says, checking his pockets for his keys. "Make sure he doesn't try to drive home. I'll be back in a while."
He touches a quick kiss to Jeannie's lips, and then heads for the door, leaving everyone in an uncomfortable silence.
A few minutes later, Eli comes back downstairs alone.
"Han's sorry, but she's really upset right now and doesn't want to come back down. I think it's probably best to just call it a night. If you guys want to take the rest of the food with you -"
"Don't worry about that," Isabelle says, waving her hand. "You guys keep it. Have a couple of easy meals."
There's a murmur of consensus, and Eli smiles slightly as he nods.
"We'll get the dishes back to you all as soon as we can. And thank you for coming, really."
There are hugs and handshakes all around, murmured congratulations and apologies as the assembled group slowly disperses.
Eli promises to call his parents the next day to let them know how Hannah is, and shakes his head at David's sour expression.
"Let us handle this, David."
"He ruined her party -"
"I know," Eli interrupts gently, "but he's not himself right now."
"That doesn't excuse it."
"No, but I still think it'd be best if you let Han and me deal with it."
David glances towards the stairs, and Eli knows the idea of Hannah upset isn't sitting right with him at all, but Juliet takes his hand and pulls him towards the door, smiling at Eli and saying they'll see him later before it closes behind them.
After they're gone, Eli turns and startles slightly at Jeannie standing near the kitchen table.
"Tony went after Chris," she explains, smiling a little. "I imagine he's going to take him home and dump him into bed."
Eli laughs and nods, and Jeannie beckons him forward.
"C'mon, I'll help you put this stuff away."
The front door opens just as Eli sets the last casserole dish in the sink to be washed, and he looks up to see Warren step inside.
"Chris in bed?" Eli says, wiping his hands on a dish towel.
"Yeah," Warren replies as he heads for the kitchen. "I told him he had to promise me he wouldn't leave, or I'd handcuff him to the bed, and not in the fun way."
Eli snorts, and Warren grins.
"I don't think he'll go anywhere, he seemed pretty close to folding."
Eli nods, and Warren raises his eyebrows. "Han okay?"
"She wanted to shower, and then just be alone for a little bit. She's pretty upset."
"Yeah," Warren murmurs. "I've never known Chris to act like that, and Hannah is really the last person I would expect him to lose it on."
Eli nods, and then shrugs. "I don't understand it. I don't know who or what will get through to him."
"Me neither." Warren sighs, and then gives a small smile. "What there was of it was a great party. Thanks for inviting us."
Eli smiles back and nods, giving the other man a quick hug and dropping a kiss to Jeannie's cheek.
"Thanks for coming. I'll see you Monday."
Warren nods as he takes Jeannie's hand, and a moment later, they're gone.
Eli listens to the silence for a moment, and then pushes off the counter, leaving the dishes in the sink for tomorrow as he turns off the lights and checks the doors before heading upstairs.
Hannah's in bed, her back to the door, and Eli changes quickly into his pajamas before climbing in behind her.
"You okay, babe?" he says softly as he scoots close to her, resting his hand on her hip as he touches a light kiss to her shoulder.
She shrugs, reaching for his hand and pulling his arm around her.
"He ruined everything," she finally whispers.
Eli nods, kissing her shoulder again. "I know."
She sighs, and then turns to face him, tucking herself against his side as his arms come up around her.
Chris jerks awake late the next morning, and groans as he raises one hand to his forehead, fumbling for his phone with the other.
There's a text notification on the screen, and his heart sinks when he sees it's from Hannah.
Everything that happened the night before floods his mind, and the hand on his forehead drops to cover his eyes.
"I am so fucking stupid," he mutters.
He lets his hand fall and lifts his phone, tapping the button to read her message.
I'm coming over at 1. We need to talk.
A quick glance at the clock tells him it's almost noon, and he drops his phone on the bed as he pushes to stand, bracing against the mattress a moment before pulling some clean clothes from his dresser and shuffling into the bathroom.
The shower wakes him up, and helps his headache, and the coffee he brews shortly after helps even more.
By the time one o'clock rolls around, he's feeling more like a person again, and more prepared, at least he hopes, to receive his well-deserved tongue lashing from Hannah.
A few minutes after one, there's a sharp knock on his door, and he takes a breath as he goes to answer it.
Hannah's on the other side, her face stony, and Chris wordlessly steps back so she can come inside.
As soon as the door snaps shut, she whirls on him. "What the hell happened last night?"
He winces inwardly. On the scale of Hannah's anger, swearing is a good indication of just how pissed she is, since she does it so rarely. 'Fuck' is a level three, which means she likely wouldn't speak to him for a week; 'hell' is a level two, which means she's definitely angry, but he'll probably make it out of this relatively unscathed.
"Han, I'm sorry."
"Okay, you're going to have to do a lot better than that," she says, raising her eyebrows. "I don't ask for a lot of stuff. I'm fine not being the center of attention, and making other people happy, but I am getting married, and just this once, I want to be a little selfish. Just this once, I don't mind being in the spotlight, and you ruined that last night. You embarrassed me, you made me feel guilty for something you had no right to make me feel guilty for, and you hurt my feelings, so I need a lot more than just 'I'm sorry'."
Chris sighs and turns to drop onto the couch, his head falling into his hands.
"I know. I'm a jerk, and an asshole -"
"No, you're not, Chris," Hannah says, coming to sit next to him. "That's not you at all, which is why I don't understand what's going on with you lately. I know you're still upset over Claudia leaving, but this just doesn't make sense."
Chris takes a shaky breath, feeling tears beginning to sting his eyes, and lets his hands fall between his knees.
"Talk to me, Chris," Hannah says softly. "You can't keep bottling it up."
He nods and takes another shaky breath as he stares down at his hands.
"I loved her. Like, I loved her. She's the first girl I dated that I really loved, I was going to ask her to move in with me, and she just - ended it. Broke up with me two days before she was supposed to leave for LA. I was literally the last person to know; she broke her lease on her apartment, quit her job, made all of these arrangements, and then told me like - like it was an afterthought. Like I was the P.S. at the bottom of a letter, 'oh yeah, break up with Chris before you leave'."
He shrugs, a tear falling to the carpet when he blinks.
"You were right. She didn't love me; she just said she did because she thought that's what I wanted to hear. But what I hate the most is how even though I'm angry with her, I still love her. She left me after admitting she lied to me for six months - hell, for maybe our entire relationship, but I still love her, and I miss her so much."
He takes a deep breath, swiping his hands over his eyes.
"I thought I could just deal with it, though, that eventually I'd get over it, and then Eli announced that you guys were engaged, and I - I just - I guess I was jealous, because he was so happy when he told me, and I was so miserable, and it just made it worse."
Another deep breath, followed by a shake of his head as he clasps his hands together.
"That night, I went to this bar nearby, close enough so that I could walk, because my intention was to just get wasted. I wanted to forget everything for a little while, forget about Claudia, forget about you and Eli. I overslept, and woke up still a little drunk, but went to work anyway, which was stupid. I've gone out with your dad enough times for him to have seen me drunk, and he busted me. Told me -" He pauses briefly, David's words still stinging as they flash through his mind again. "Told me I was worthless, and to go home."
"You're not worthless, Chris," Hannah murmurs. "I'm sure Dad didn't mean it like it came out, and I'll talk to him about it."
She sighs. "I'm not going to say that I don't think that getting into a relationship with Claudia was a mistake, but I know we can't help how we feel sometimes. You were happy with her, and that was enough for me. She and I sort of became friends, and I have to admit, I was a little annoyed when I found out she left and didn't even say goodbye, but obviously that doesn't compare at all. I'm sorry she hurt you, and I know how much it sucks to be betrayed by someone you love. But pushing everyone away isn't going to make it better. We're your friends, and we care about you. We want you to be happy."
Chris looks at her fully, staring at her soft, sweet smile, her warm hazel eyes, no longer angry but sympathetic, long blonde hair pulled back a little messily, but still somehow perfect.
The confession dances on the tip of his tongue, the urge to tell her everything that's bothering him, including his feelings for her, and then she raises her hand to his arm.
"And he hasn't asked you yet, so you need to pretend to be surprised when he does, but I know Eli wants you to be his best man. We want you right there with us when we get married."
Like that, the confession dances away, back to the corner of his mind where it belongs. His two best friends are getting married, something that was probably destined before they were even born, and there's no way he can tell Hannah he loves her when she's got Eli, who's better for her than he could ever dream to be.
Instead he forces a smile and nods. "I want to be there to see it. And I am really, really sorry about last night. I know I ruined your party, and there's really nothing I can do to make up for that. You're the last person I ever want to hurt, and I think this makes two times now."
Hannah smiles back. "It's not okay, but I do forgive you. And twice in like, six years of being friends is a pretty good track record."
"I think the last time I was a jerk and hurt your feelings and made you mad at me, I said you could beat me up if I did it again. Offer still stands."
Hannah giggles softly and shakes her head. "Rain check, for when you're more on your game. Not that it would be a fair fight anyway."
"Ouch," Chris mutters, and lifts his hand to his chest. "Right through the heart."
She giggles again, and he smiles as he looks up at her.
"Thanks, Hannie."
"You're welcome, Christopher. And if things get too messed up, if something starts to hurt again, you can talk to any of us. We're all here to listen."
Chris nods. "I'll try to remember that."
They stand, and then Chris frowns. "Hey, um, last night - that wasn't the first Eli had heard about you and me kissing, was it?"
Hannah gives a short laugh and shakes her head. "No, he's known about that for a while. Though about half the people in that room didn't."
Chris winces. "Sorry."
"It's not a big deal. I'm not ashamed of kissing you, it's just not common knowledge that it happened. It's fine though."
She glances at the clock on the wall, and then back at Chris.
"I need to get home; Eli's parents are taking us out for an early dinner before they drive back to Connecticut, but I just had to talk to you today."
"I'm glad you did. I felt like shit when I woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because of what I did, and really wouldn't have wanted you to be mad at me for a long time."
Hannah smiles. "Yeah, well, I didn't want to be mad at you for a long time either."
Chris laughs, and then slides his arms around Hannah's shoulders when she steps close to him for a hug.
As he holds her, a sudden urge to kiss her rises within him, a vision of himself pulling back, taking her face in his hands, and pressing his lips to hers.
It's so strong that his fingers actually tighten on the fabric of her shirt, and he does pull back, abruptly jerking away from her and placing his hands firmly on her shoulders, holding her at arm's length.
She stares at him, startled. "Chris?"
"Sorry," he says quickly. "Just suddenly got really nauseous. All that beer last night coming back to bite me in the ass."
"Drink some water, and get something to eat, if you haven't already," she advises as he walks with her to the door.
With a nod and a tight smile, he nearly pushes her from his apartment, closing the door hard behind her.
He leans forward, resting his forehead against the wood, and closes his eyes as he raises a hand to the back of his neck.
A beat later, he pushes away from the door with a muttered, "Shit," and shakes his head as he moves into the kitchen to find something to eat.
Monday afternoon, Chris walks into David's office, file in his hand.
"Baker case," he murmurs, avoiding David's eyes as he holds the folder up and then sets it on the older man's desk. "Not much new. Honestly, I think it's about cold, but maybe you can give it a look and see if you can spot something."
David nods, and Chris starts to turn away when David clears his throat.
"Close the door and have a seat."
Chris holds back a sigh, certain he's about to get chewed out for what happened Saturday night, but obeys, pushing the office door shut and turning back to settle in one of the chairs in front of David's desk.
"Hannah called me last night," David begins, clasping his hands on his stomach. "Funny how it's usually the women in my life who let me know when I'm being an ass."
He sighs and shakes his head as he lifts his gaze to Chris.
"The other day, when I said you were worthless - I was angry, and disappointed. I only meant that you weren't any good to me that day. You are not worthless, Chris, and I'm sorry for saying that, even in that context. I know you're still messed up from Claudia, and that's understandable; I certainly didn't help matters. I may have been against the relationship in the beginning, but I never wanted it to end like that, with you getting hurt."
David frowns thoughtfully, propping his elbow on the desk and raising his hand to the back of his neck.
"I know I'm hard on you sometimes, maybe even a little unfairly so. You're like the son I never had, more so than any of the other guys here, even Eli, and I think this is what I would've been like if I'd had a son. Which is maybe why it's a good thing I never did."
He smiles a little crookedly, and Chris smiles tentatively back.
"I push you because I know you've got so much potential, and you've always seemed to perform better under pressure. I want you to go far here; I want you to do well. I want the same for Eli, especially now that he's going to be my son-in-law, but you and he are different. Eli just works, nose to the grindstone, and he puts the same level of passion into everything, but you - it's like you've always got something to prove. You do the work, and you do it well, but you want someone to notice, and be proud of you. It's not a criticism, and I'm not saying Eli is better than you or anything, it's just something I've noticed in the six years you've been here."
Silence falls for a moment, and then Chris shifts in his seat.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Sure," David murmurs.
"It's sort of a - confession, I guess, but maybe it's time to get some stuff off my chest."
A small frown creases his brow as he thinks briefly about what he didn't tell Hannah yesterday, and then he pushes the thought away.
"You know my dad left when I was 8, and I was 14 when he decided he didn't want to see me anymore, but it was a couple years before that, probably when I was 11 or 12, when I started really feeling that distance, like he was just going through the motions of being my dad, especially after he got remarried. When you're that young, and your dad sort of stops being your dad, you think it's your fault, you know? Like you're not good enough. I had my mom, of course, and she loved me and was proud of me enough for like, 12 parents, but at the same time, I wanted a dad to be proud of me. My mom never got remarried, hardly ever dated, really, until I was in college, so I just never really had that sort of Dad figure in my life. The FBI seemed somehow like this natural progression, because I could prove myself, make people notice me. My bosses in Texas were basically idiots, but I heard about you a little bit at the Academy, old cases and such, and then I transferred here, and met you, and it was like -"
He pauses, and then shakes his head as he breathes, "'Jesus Christ, this is what an FBI agent should be like.' You were just this <>force, I could feel it before I even really talked to you the first time, and all of these guys respected you so much. Tough but fair, stern, but not afraid to hand out compliments when they were deserved. I wanted to impress you so bad; I wanted you to notice me. Of course, we both know how well that worked out at first."
They both laugh, and then Chris continues.
"When things finally settled down between us, you started letting me in. I was your right hand on so many cases, you started inviting me over to your house for game nights and dinner, you were okay with me being friends with Hannah. You let me into your inner circle, and maybe my friendship with Hannah helped, everything tends to interweave like that, and god, it was like this huge validation."
He raises his eyebrows. "And then of course, once I was in, I started worrying that I would lose it somehow. I never wanted you to be disappointed in me; I always wanted to make you proud of me. I think the only time I really thought I was going to lose it was when Hannah was kidnapped, and SAC Greene gave me the case. I knew that if we didn't find her, or if -"
Chris stops abruptly; even over two years later, it still scares him to think about how Hannah could've died.
"I knew that if it went south," he continues after taking a breath, "you would never forgive me."
He glances at David, and though the other man doesn't reply, the reluctant confirmation of this belief is evident in his expression.
Chris nods, and then adds, "I never would have forgiven myself. But we did find her, even though you got there first, and it was another huge validation. My status was safe, even elevated a little bit, and somewhere in the midst of all of that, somewhere between me transferring here, and finding Hannah, our relationship changed slightly."
He looks up, meeting David's eyes, and shrugs. "You're the dad I always wanted. You don't just get on to me about work stuff, you get on to me about personal stuff too, and I may get pissy, but I know you do it because you actually care about me. And god, that's more than I could have ever asked for when I came here."
Chris falls silent as he looks down at his lap, willing away the tears that are threatening to rise, and then looks up again when he hears the creak of David's chair.
David stands and comes around to lean against the front of his desk, and crosses his arms over his chest as he gazes down at Chris.
"I do care about you, Chris, and I am truly flattered you think of me as your father. You have sort of become a part of our family since you've been here. You're not just a son to me, you're a big brother to Hannah, and it's stupid, because I know she's more than capable of defending herself, but when I know she's with you, I don't worry about her, because I know you'll take care of her, and that's just as important to me as anything else. There aren't many people I can put that kind of complete trust in."
Chris ducks his head briefly to hide how big he's smiling; feeling like David trusts him and actually hearing the words from his mouth are two very different things, and he suddenly feels better than he has in weeks.
"It was in your file, that your parents were divorced, that your dad gave up visitation when you were 14, and I think a little part of me identified with that. My dad died when I was 13, and it's not the same, but I know how it feels to lose your father too soon, and I think I recognized that little boy in you, the one who loved and missed his dad, and couldn't understand why he had left. Not to mention that I was a single father, and I'd always wanted more kids after Hannah, so it's sort of like these two things combined in you, empathizing with you on growing up without a dad, and wanting another kid, but I also have to reconcile that with the fact that I'm your boss, so everything sort of gets jumbled sometimes."
David shakes his head and sighs. "I'm sorry if I was insensitive about what happened with you and Claudia. I'm a stubborn asshole sometimes, I know, but at my age, it's not something I'm really going to outgrow. But I never mean to hurt you with the things I say, and I'm sorry that I did."
"Thanks," Chris murmurs, and then smiles a little. "It was stupid to come to work that day; I should've just called in sick. I don't know why I didn't."
"Yeah, well, we all do stupid things. Even me."
David grins, straightening as Chris laughs and pushes to stand, and then takes a step forward, pulling Chris into a tight hug.
"I do hope you start to feel better soon," David murmurs against Chris's shoulder. "I know it's going to hurt for a while, but you'll eventually move on, and find someone much better."
"Thanks, David," Chris replies softly, smiling as he pulls away.
When Chris gets home later, he feels the best he has since Claudia left him.
He still feels pretty miserable about the whole mess, including all of the stupid things he's done over the past couple of weeks, but his friends haven't abandoned him, have forgiven him and let him know that they're all still there for him.
It's going to take a while to move on completely, but he at least has a better outlook on things now, and it's with a much lighter heart that he changes his clothes and wanders into the kitchen to figure out something for dinner.
He eats on the couch and spends the rest of the evening immersed in a "Law & Order" marathon before standing and heading into his bedroom to start getting ready for bed.
When he flips on the light, he stands still a moment, staring around the space and realizing just how much of a mess it's become recently.
He ducks into the bathroom to grab his hamper and brings it into his bedroom to start tossing his dirty clothes in it; it looks like he'll be spending a good portion of a day this weekend doing laundry.
There's a shirt on his dresser, and he grabs it, dropping it into the hamper and then turning back to check if there's any more.
His gaze lands on the bracelet Claudia made him for his birthday last year, before her case was over, before they were anything but a witness and her assigned agent, and his body stills as he stares at it, hands falling to his sides.
It doesn't feel like it was all that long ago that she gave it to him, but at the same time, it feels like he's had it forever.
He reaches forward and picks it up, running his fingers over the smooth wooden beads to the vibrant green one at the end and over the ties, worn and crimped from being tied so many times.
A moment passes, and then he takes a deep breath as he drops the bracelet into the trash can next to his dresser before grabbing some clean pajamas and carrying them and the hamper into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama
Word Count: 9,460
Characters/Pairings: Chris, Claudia, David, Eli, Madison, Hannah, Warren, mentions of other characters (Chris/Claudia, Chris/Madison, Hannah/Eli, David/Juliet)
It's the end of May when Chris hears the front door open, and he steps from the kitchen to see Claudia closing it behind her.
"Hey," he says with a smile, moving to kiss her.
"Hey," she replies a little breathlessly when he pulls back.
"Dinner's almost ready. You want something to drink? Wine?"
She shakes her head, giving him a tight smile, and he frowns slightly.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just - I need to talk to you about something."
"Oh, yeah?" He grins a little. "So do I, but you go first."
"Okay," she murmurs, following him as he walks back to the kitchen. "Well, um, you know my friend Lisa?"
"Yeah, the one who lives in LA, right?"
Claudia nods. "I think I told you she has this little store out there, she sells clothes and purses and accessories and stuff."
Chris hums his acknowledgment as he checks the chicken in the oven, and Claudia shifts on her feet, nervously rolling her skirt between her fingers.
"Well, she and I were talking the other night, and she was telling me that a lot of people have complimented her on the jewelry I've made for her, including a couple of celebrities -"
Chris looks up with a grin. "That's awesome."
"Yeah," Claudia replies, the corner of her mouth rising. "I mean, nobody huge, but a couple of people who have been on TV recently." She takes a breath. "But anyway, we were talking, and she said that if I wanted to, I could sell my stuff in her store."
Chris's eyes widen as he grins again. "Hey, that's great! Are you gonna do it?"
"Yeah, um, I told her I'd really like that."
"That's amazing, I'm so proud of you," Chris says, stepping over to touch a quick kiss to her lips before moving back to tend to the pots on the stove.
"Yeah," she says with a quick, breathless laugh. "It's amazing. But, um, she also offered to let me live with her."
A frown creases Chris's brow as he sets the spoon in his hand on the stove. "Live with her? You - you mean move to LA?"
Claudia nods, biting on her lip, and Chris's frown deepens.
"I - I can't move to California -"
"I wasn't expecting you to."
Her voice is quiet, and she holds his gaze a moment before her eyes drop to the floor.
Realization hits him like he's been shot. "Are you breaking up with me?"
She looks up, but away, staring at his couch, and he takes a step towards her.
"Claudia?"
"I'm sorry, Chris -"
"When are you leaving?"
"Day after tomorrow," she says in a small voice, and his expression turns incredulous.
"Am I literally the last person to know that you're breaking up with me and moving across the fucking country?"
"I'm sorry -"
"You must not be all that sorry if you didn't think to tell me about this until two days before you left!" he says loudly.
"It's not like I need your permission."
"No, but as your boyfriend, I would've thought you'd tell me about this a lot sooner than now. I love you, Claudia." He stares at her, his eyes slowly brightening. "I thought you loved me."
She doesn't reply, and his face falls.
"It was a lie?"
"I told you what I thought you wanted to hear -"
"I wanted the truth!" he shouts, his eyebrows knitting together. "If you didn't love me, you - you should have told me."
"I care about you, Chris -"
"Not enough. Not enough." He shakes his head, one hand tight on his hip, the other braced against the table. "I was going to ask you to move in with me. That's what I wanted to talk to you about tonight."
She opens her mouth to speak, but he shakes his head again.
"Don't say you're sorry again, because you're not."
"I am, Chris. I didn't know how to tell you." She shrugs helplessly. "I guess I just - don't know how to be a good girlfriend. I wanted you to be happy, so I did what I thought you wanted me to do."
"Lying to me is not what I wanted you to do. Making me think you loved me is not what I wanted you to do. Hurting me -" His voice cracks, and he swallows hard. "- is not what I wanted you to do."
"I'm sorry for that," she says softly. "I really am. I'm sorry for everything."
Silence descends, and after a moment, she turns and starts for the door.
"Goodbye, Chris," she murmurs, her hand on the knob. "You'll probably be better off without me anyway."
The door opens and then closes behind her, and Chris stands a moment, staring at it, his hands limp at his sides.
Finally, feeling numb, he turns to walk back into the kitchen, turning off the burners and the oven; by the smell, the chicken's already burned, but he can't find it in him to care.
There's a potholder sitting on the lid of one of the pots, and he pulls it off, moving to toss it on the counter.
He stands still, and then rests his hands on the edge of the counter, squeezing his eyes shut as his tears rise again, fast and hot.
His head drops, and he gives it a sharp shake, his fingers gripping the counter's edge so tight his hands hurt.
"I won't," he gasps, sniffing hard, feeling like his heart is somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. "I won't be better off."
The next day at work, he's like a zombie, listlessly poking at his work and hiding behind his closed office door.
David calls a status meeting on open cases just before lunch, and has to say Chris's name three times before Chris hears him and looks up.
David raises his eyebrows. "The Baker case?"
"Right," Chris mutters as he straightens in his seat. "Um, no new leads, but Tony and Eli are out following something up on an old one."
David nods, his gaze lingering on Chris a beat longer, and then moves on to Agent Donahue.
The meeting ends, and as the agents are filing from the conference room, David asks Chris to hang back.
"What's up with you?" he asks when the room is empty. "You've never been that spaced out during a meeting."
Chris shakes his head, not wanting to tell David the truth, but not knowing what else to say.
"Claudia broke up with me last night, and you can save the 'I told you so', okay, because I really don't want to hear it."
David is quiet for a moment, his expression thoughtful, and then gives a short nod. "If Agents Shaw and Warren come up with anything new, let me know."
Chris nods and leaves the room, shutting himself up in his office once more.
He's not in there long when there's a tap on his door, and he stands to answer it, revealing Eli on the other side.
"Hey," Chris murmurs, stepping back to let the younger man inside. "Did you guys come up with anything?"
"Nah," Eli says as he walks over to sink into one of the chairs in front of Chris's desk. "It wasn't anything we didn't already know. And now I need you tell me what's wrong with you, because you've been all fucking gloom and doom since this morning."
Chris sits on the front edge of his desk, sighing as his shoulders slump and he stares down at his hands.
"Claudia broke up with me last night," he mutters.
Eli's eyebrows rise as he sits up. "What? Why?"
"She has this friend who lives out in LA, owns this clothing store, and offered to let her sell her jewelry there, and also offered to let her live with her."
Eli frowns in disbelief. "So she's just - moving to LA?"
Chris nods.
"When is she leaving?"
"Tomorrow."
"Jesus," Eli breathes. "She waited until almost the last minute to tell you."
"Yeah," Chris mumbles, still staring at his hands.
"I'm sorry, man, I'm really sorry. I know how much you loved her."
"Yeah," Chris says again, taking a breath against the tightness in his throat. He knows Eli won't judge him or make fun of him for it, but he still doesn't want to cry in front of him, especially not at work.
Eli smacks Chris's knee as he stands. "Come on, let's go get lunch."
Chris shakes his head. "I'm not really hungry."
"You'll feel better. Come on."
Chris manages a small smile and relents, pushing off the desk and following Eli from the room.
They grab burgers at the Pint, and by the time Chris is back in his office, he has to admit he does feel better.
It still feels like there's an empty place in his chest where his heart used to be, but rationally he knows these feelings won't last forever, and with just a little bit of time, he'll move past it.
A week later, Eli announces that he and Hannah are engaged.
There's a sharp pain in Chris's chest at Eli's words, a sudden, unexpected, and almost overwhelming flood of emotion, and he forces a tight smile as he grips Eli's hand and gives him a quick hug.
"Congratulations, that's awesome."
"Thanks," Eli says, grinning broadly, his face a little flushed.
It's obvious how happy he is, but all Chris feels is sick, and he closes himself up in his office when he finally gets away from the crowd of agents.
That night after work he goes to a bar near his apartment that he almost never goes to, and gets drunker than he ever has.
He stumbles back to his apartment just after midnight, and just makes it to his bedroom, collapsing facedown into bed without bothering to change his clothes.
His hand slides absently over the empty side of the bed and up to clutch the pillow, and as he drifts into an uneasy sleep, he's not sure who he wishes it were more.
The next morning, he oversleeps, and swears loudly when he sees what time it is.
He scrambles out of bed, and then stumbles slightly, muttering, "Shit," as his head pounds sharply.
He's pretty sure he's still a little drunk, but doesn't want to call in sick, and takes a quick shower before dressing quickly and heading to work.
After clocking in, he goes to the table in the main office to make a strong cup of coffee, and then goes back to his office, rummaging in the top drawer of his desk until he finds the small bottle of Tylenol he keeps there.
He chases three pills down with a deep gulp of coffee, and then rests his elbow on his desk, closing his eyes and letting his head fall against his palm as he waits for the medicine to kick in.
There's a sick feeling in his stomach, and he's not sure if it's the beer, the coffee, the lingering pain from Claudia breaking up with him, or Eli's announcement from the day before still ringing in his ears.
More likely a combination of all four.
He lifts his cup to his lips again just as his office door opens, and looks up to see David framed in the doorway.
"Did you just get in?" the older man asks, frowning.
Chris nods as he swallows. "Yeah, sorry, I overslept -"
"Are you drunk?" David interrupts, his expression turning to one of disbelief.
The question catches Chris off guard, and he gives a sharp, exaggerated shake of his head, which does nothing for his headache.
"No, of course not -"
"I've known you a long time, and I have seen you in various stages of inebriation, Chris. You're drunk."
"I went out last night, so yeah, I'm hungover, but I'm not drunk, David."
"You're drunk," David insists again. "You shouldn't even be here. I have never known you to be this irresponsible, what the hell were you thinking?"
"Just get off my back," Chris snaps, irritation swelling along with the pain in his head.
"Look, Chris, I'm sorry Claudia broke up with you, and I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make you feel any worse, but you're letting it affect your work, and I'm not going to put up with that."
Chris stands abruptly, coffee cup in his hand, and starts for the door.
"Just leave me alone, I'll be fine in a little while," he mutters, pushing past David and out into the main office, heading for the beverage table again.
"I'm not finished," David says, stalking after him. "You don't need to be here today."
"Today -" Chris starts, and then pulls up short when David appears in front of him.
"You're worthless. Go home."
Chris stares at David, taken aback, and glances around, suddenly aware of what seems like the entire office staring at them.
He reaches around David to set the cup in his hand on the beverage table, and then turns to go, muttering, "Yeah, I know," as he heads for the elevators.
Saturday night he's sitting restlessly in his apartment, trying to decide what he wants to do.
He feels oddly claustrophobic, and thinks if he doesn't get out and do something, he might explode.
The bar down the street crosses his mind again, as does maybe picking up one of the girls he saw there the other night, but then a better thought appears, and he reaches for his phone.
He types out a message to Madison - You available? - and sends it, tapping his finger against the side of his phone as he waits for her reply.
Yeah, Jamie's spending the night at a friend's house, so I'm free as a bird, she sends back a couple of minutes later. You wanna come over?
Yeah, he types. I'll be there soon.
When she opens the door a short while later, he immediately takes her face in his hands and presses his lips to hers, nudging the door shut with his foot as he starts to guide her towards her bedroom.
Her fingers grip his shirt as she kisses him back, and then her palms press flat against his chest as she breaks the kiss.
"Hey," she murmurs, pulling her head back as he goes to kiss her again. "Maybe we could talk a minute."
Chris huffs and scowls, taking a step away from her. "I didn't come here to talk."
"I know, but just for a minute -"
"No," Chris snaps, and then turns away from her with a sigh. "Forget it."
Madison hurries to catch him before he reaches the door, stepping in front of him and raising her hand to his chest.
"No, okay, it's fine." Her hand slides to the back of his neck as she pushes on her toes to kiss him, and she gives a slight shake of her head. "No talking. It's fine."
She kisses him once more, her hand sliding down to take his, and murmurs, "Come on," as she leads him to her bedroom.
They lie together after, neither of them speaking for a long time, and then his hand finds hers on the bed, tentatively gripping it.
"Is it - is it cool if I stay?" he asks quietly.
She nods, looking over at him and staring at his profile in the dim light. "Yeah, it's cool."
His fingers tighten around hers, and she squeezes back, sweeping her thumb over the side of his hand.
"You hungry?" she asks after a minute.
He nods, the corner of his mouth rising slightly, and she smiles as she sits up.
"C'mon, let's go study my takeout menus."
As they sit down to eat sometime later, Chris frowns a little as he toes aside a pair of kid-sized shoes.
"Why is Jamie staying with you, again? I think you told me, but I can't remember."
"I told you about Grace having her baby at the end of April?" Chris nods, and Madison takes a breath. "Well, it hasn't really been easy on her, she's dealing with post-partum depression right now, and you know normally I go out there in June, but Dad suggested I wait a couple of months, just to give Grace a chance to sort of - get back to normal. And then he suggested that Jamie come out here and spend the summer with me, so that he won't feel ignored while Dad's focusing so much on Grace and Brianna. Honestly, I think Jamie was grateful. He loves Grace, and is excited about the baby, but that situation can't be easy on him, and it's nice to have him out here for a while. I'll fly to California with him in August and spend a couple of weeks there, and then come back."
"I hope Grace is okay," Chris murmurs, frowning a little as he chews a bite of his food.
"She will be. I know Dad's doing everything he can to help her." Madison takes a sip of her drink, and glances over at Chris. "Jamie was really excited about getting to see you too. Maybe you guys could hang out soon."
"Yeah, maybe," Chris replies, flashing a smile before turning back to his food.
He has to admit, he has missed the kid, but right now he barely feels like he should be around people in general, let alone an 11-year-old.
After they finish eating, they watch a couple of movies, not talking much.
They go to bed after the last movie ends, facing each other, Chris's arm draped over Madison's side.
He closes his eyes to sleep, but she keeps hers open, staring at his shadowy features, a worried frown creasing her brow.
Once she's sure he's asleep, she lifts one hand to run her fingers through his hair and leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead before rolling over on her other side, pressing her back to his chest as she pulls his arm tighter around her.
The next afternoon, Madison's over at Hannah and Eli's.
"Chris came over last night."
"Oh yeah?" Hannah says, looking over at her. "Like, to hang out, or -"
"It ended up being both. We had sex, and then he asked if he could stay, so we had a late dinner, watched a couple of movies, and then he spent the night."
"Little bit of rebound sex?" Eli says as he drops into his chair next to the couch.
Madison shakes her head slowly. "I don't know, I don't think it was quite like that. He kissed me like, the minute I opened the door, and I suggested maybe we talk a little before, thinking he might want to vent, but he just got really annoyed and started to leave. I stopped him, told him we didn't have to talk. I was mostly worried that he'd go out and find someone else. I mean, I didn't think he'd like, hurt anybody, he just seemed dead set on the idea of sex, and I figured I was better than some random skanky bar chick or something. It's a good thing Jamie was sleeping over at his friend's house last night."
She shrugs, frowning a little. "I'm worried about him. I don't think he's handling this breakup well at all."
"Yeah," Eli murmurs. "He and David apparently had this argument Friday, David actually sent him home. I was out of the office when it happened, but from what I gathered later, Chris came to work late, and was drunk, or David at least thought he was, and made him leave."
Hannah nods, frowning as well. "Yeah, that's not like him at all. He's always taken his job seriously. If he's going out, getting drunk, looking for random hookups, showing up to work late..."
She trails off, and then looks at Eli.
"Maybe you should talk to him. You've got some similar experience in this bad breakup aftermath stuff."
Eli snorts. "Okay, I just had a lot of sex with girls from my classes; I didn't show up to work drunk."
"Close enough," Hannah retorts, throwing a pillow at him.
He laughs, throwing the pillow back at her, and then nods. "I'll see if I can't get him to go to lunch with me sometime this week."
Monday, Eli and Chris are both busy during lunch doing other things, but on Tuesday, Eli knocks on the door frame of Chris's office, and raises his eyebrows when the other man looks up at him.
"You want to grab some lunch?"
Chris looks at the papers on his desk, and then shrugs as he lays his pen down. "Sure."
A short while later they're at the Pint, settled in a booth together near the back. The bar is already steadily filling up with other agents, and Eli wants to try to minimize their chances of their conversation being overheard.
He keeps things light for most of their lunch, and then as they're both picking at the few fries leftover in their baskets, Eli clears his throat.
"So what happened Friday? All I've got to go on is office gossip."
Chris glances up at him, and then back down at his food. "What did you hear?"
"That you came to work late and drunk, and David made you go home."
Chris sighs. "Okay, yeah, I overslept, but I wasn't really drunk. I'd just - gone out the night before, and there was still like, a residual buzz thing happening."
Eli frowns. "You must have gotten pretty wasted, then, if you still had some in your system the next morning."
Chris shrugs, reaching for another fry, and Eli raises his eyebrows.
"Maddie said you came over to her place Saturday night."
Chris looks up, a slightly annoyed frown creasing his brow. "It was just sex, are you going to get on me for that too?"
"I'm not getting on you for anything; I'm just - laying some stuff out there."
"It was just a hook up, okay?"
"Not the way she tells it -"
"Jesus Christ, Eli," Chris snaps, shoving his basket away from him. "What is this, some bullshit intervention or something? Did you ask me here to tell me to get the fuck over it?"
"No," Eli replies, keeping his voice calm and even. "I asked you here because you're my best friend, and I'm worried about you. We all are. And I'm not telling you to get over anything. I know how much it sucks to have someone you love hurt you. But running away from the pain isn't going to fix anything."
He shakes his head. "All the girls I hooked up with after Beth and I broke up - it didn't make me feel any better, and I never really dealt with that betrayal when I should have. You can bury it away as much as you want, try to cover it over with beer or sex or whatever else, but sooner or later, it will come back to bite you in the ass, and it's going to hurt a lot more than it did the first time. Trust me."
A slight frown creases Chris's brow, and Eli sighs.
"I just want you to be careful, Chris. There are people who care about you, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you. Okay?"
Chris is quiet a moment, staring at the movement of his fingers as he wraps his straw wrapper around them, and then finally he nods.
"Okay."
"And if you ever need to vent, there's me, and Han, and Maddie. Don't bottle it all up inside."
Chris nods again, the corner of his mouth rising very slightly, and after a beat, he raises his gaze to Eli.
"Thanks."
Eli smiles crookedly, lifting his shoulders in a small shrug. "That's what friends do."
Chris starts to feel better for a little while, but then Thursday afternoon, Eli pokes his head through Chris's open office door.
"Hey, you're coming to the engagement party this weekend, right? Han wanted me to ask."
Chris stares at him, that uncomfortable wave of emotion swelling inside of him again, and then forces a tight smile and a quick nod.
"Yeah, of course."
Eli smiles and nods as well before disappearing from sight, and Chris sighs as he lets his head drop into his hands.
It's not just Claudia leaving that's affecting him, but the sudden resurgence of his feelings for Hannah.
He thought he'd left those behind long ago, thought he was happy with their relationship as it is, but it's as if her and Eli getting engaged is reminding him all over again of what he wanted for so long, and could never have.
Part of him doesn't want to go to the engagement party, doesn't want to see them so happy while he's so miserable, but they're his best friends, and he knows there's really no way he can't be there.
Saturday night, Chris arrives late to the party, which is at Hannah and Eli's townhouse, since it's just a small group of people including him, Madison, David, Juliet, John, Harry and his wife, Warren and Jeannie, and Eli's parents.
Hannah greets him with a bright smile and a hug, though she frowns slightly when she pulls away, and he has a feeling she can smell the beer he had before he left his apartment.
He smiles back, taking a deep breath against the tight feeling in his stomach. "Congratulations, Hannie."
She smiles again. "Thanks, Christopher. There's food and stuff in the kitchen, if you want anything."
He nods and makes his way to the kitchen, peering at the assorted dishes on the table, along with a couple that overflowed onto the counter, before grabbing a plate.
Eli joins him a moment later, and Chris gives him a vague smile.
"So glad my parents are here," Eli murmurs, reloading his plate. "Han and I were going to go up to see them, and then they just randomly decided to come visit, so we got to tell them about the engagement in person, and they got to come to the party."
"That's great," Chris says, spooning a bit of the pasta salad he knows Hannah made onto his plate.
Eli wanders back into the living room, and Chris takes a breath as he sets down his plate and turns towards the refrigerator to pull out a beer.
He tries to interact and be social, but eventually he ends up sitting on the stairs by himself, fourth beer of the evening clutched in his hand.
After a while, a pair of feet comes into his line of vision.
The pretty pink toenails can only belong to one person, and his gaze drifts slowly up the white dress patterned with pink polka dots, to the loosely curled blonde hair lying over smooth shoulders, and finally meets the hazel eyes staring at him.
"What are you doing?" Hannah asks, confusion and concern furrowing her brow.
His gaze drops to her shoulders to stare at the straps of her dress, really no more than white satin ribbons tied into neat bows, and a thought passes through his mind that later that night Eli will probably pull those ribbons loose and watch that dress fall from her perfect body.
Chris scowls and lifts the bottle to his lips before looking back at Hannah's face and raising his eyebrows.
"Drinking."
She arches an eyebrow back at him and nods. "Yeah, I can see that. I think it's time for you to stop."
She reaches forward with her left hand to take the bottle from him, and the ring on her finger catches the light, glittering brilliantly for just a moment.
His scowl deepens as he holds the bottle out of her reach, and she frowns as she stumbles slightly, grabbing the banister.
"Chris -"
"Did you kiss me because you were drunk?"
"What?" she asks as she straightens, looking confused again.
"When we kissed at that party, did you kiss me back because you were drunk?"
"I don't know," she says, shrugging, and then adds, "I really don't think now is the time or place to talk about that," as she glances around at the people assembled in the living room.
"What, Eli doesn't know? Too embarrassed about kissing me to tell him?"
"Chris, just stop," she says, reaching once again for the beer in his hand, and once again he jerks it out of her reach.
"Guess you just wanted to wipe that particular memory from your mind, right? Easier to kiss me when you're drunk, because then you can just use that as the excuse, because god knows you never would have kissed me sober."
The room has gone suddenly silent, and Hannah's cheeks are flushed, tears shining in her eyes.
"And now I've ruined your perfect party," Chris says, standing abruptly and making Hannah take a quick step back.
Eli steps over, frowning as his gaze flicks from Hannah to Chris.
"Chris -" he starts, reaching for the other man's arm.
"Don't worry," Chris snaps, twisting away from Eli. "I'm leaving."
He yanks open the front door and stalks from the house, beer still in hand; a beat later, Hannah goes after him, calling his name.
"It's fine, Hannah," he shouts, whirling around and throwing his arms out at his sides. "I get it. I'm not good enough for you. I'm not good enough for anybody. Just - go back to your perfect life."
The bottle in his hand smashes suddenly against the pavement, and he turns away again to continue down the road, shoes scuffing on the asphalt.
Hannah goes back inside and hurries immediately up the stairs, slamming the bedroom door behind her.
"We'll be right back," Eli murmurs as he heads upstairs after her.
"I'm gonna go find him," Warren says, checking his pockets for his keys. "Make sure he doesn't try to drive home. I'll be back in a while."
He touches a quick kiss to Jeannie's lips, and then heads for the door, leaving everyone in an uncomfortable silence.
A few minutes later, Eli comes back downstairs alone.
"Han's sorry, but she's really upset right now and doesn't want to come back down. I think it's probably best to just call it a night. If you guys want to take the rest of the food with you -"
"Don't worry about that," Isabelle says, waving her hand. "You guys keep it. Have a couple of easy meals."
There's a murmur of consensus, and Eli smiles slightly as he nods.
"We'll get the dishes back to you all as soon as we can. And thank you for coming, really."
There are hugs and handshakes all around, murmured congratulations and apologies as the assembled group slowly disperses.
Eli promises to call his parents the next day to let them know how Hannah is, and shakes his head at David's sour expression.
"Let us handle this, David."
"He ruined her party -"
"I know," Eli interrupts gently, "but he's not himself right now."
"That doesn't excuse it."
"No, but I still think it'd be best if you let Han and me deal with it."
David glances towards the stairs, and Eli knows the idea of Hannah upset isn't sitting right with him at all, but Juliet takes his hand and pulls him towards the door, smiling at Eli and saying they'll see him later before it closes behind them.
After they're gone, Eli turns and startles slightly at Jeannie standing near the kitchen table.
"Tony went after Chris," she explains, smiling a little. "I imagine he's going to take him home and dump him into bed."
Eli laughs and nods, and Jeannie beckons him forward.
"C'mon, I'll help you put this stuff away."
The front door opens just as Eli sets the last casserole dish in the sink to be washed, and he looks up to see Warren step inside.
"Chris in bed?" Eli says, wiping his hands on a dish towel.
"Yeah," Warren replies as he heads for the kitchen. "I told him he had to promise me he wouldn't leave, or I'd handcuff him to the bed, and not in the fun way."
Eli snorts, and Warren grins.
"I don't think he'll go anywhere, he seemed pretty close to folding."
Eli nods, and Warren raises his eyebrows. "Han okay?"
"She wanted to shower, and then just be alone for a little bit. She's pretty upset."
"Yeah," Warren murmurs. "I've never known Chris to act like that, and Hannah is really the last person I would expect him to lose it on."
Eli nods, and then shrugs. "I don't understand it. I don't know who or what will get through to him."
"Me neither." Warren sighs, and then gives a small smile. "What there was of it was a great party. Thanks for inviting us."
Eli smiles back and nods, giving the other man a quick hug and dropping a kiss to Jeannie's cheek.
"Thanks for coming. I'll see you Monday."
Warren nods as he takes Jeannie's hand, and a moment later, they're gone.
Eli listens to the silence for a moment, and then pushes off the counter, leaving the dishes in the sink for tomorrow as he turns off the lights and checks the doors before heading upstairs.
Hannah's in bed, her back to the door, and Eli changes quickly into his pajamas before climbing in behind her.
"You okay, babe?" he says softly as he scoots close to her, resting his hand on her hip as he touches a light kiss to her shoulder.
She shrugs, reaching for his hand and pulling his arm around her.
"He ruined everything," she finally whispers.
Eli nods, kissing her shoulder again. "I know."
She sighs, and then turns to face him, tucking herself against his side as his arms come up around her.
Chris jerks awake late the next morning, and groans as he raises one hand to his forehead, fumbling for his phone with the other.
There's a text notification on the screen, and his heart sinks when he sees it's from Hannah.
Everything that happened the night before floods his mind, and the hand on his forehead drops to cover his eyes.
"I am so fucking stupid," he mutters.
He lets his hand fall and lifts his phone, tapping the button to read her message.
I'm coming over at 1. We need to talk.
A quick glance at the clock tells him it's almost noon, and he drops his phone on the bed as he pushes to stand, bracing against the mattress a moment before pulling some clean clothes from his dresser and shuffling into the bathroom.
The shower wakes him up, and helps his headache, and the coffee he brews shortly after helps even more.
By the time one o'clock rolls around, he's feeling more like a person again, and more prepared, at least he hopes, to receive his well-deserved tongue lashing from Hannah.
A few minutes after one, there's a sharp knock on his door, and he takes a breath as he goes to answer it.
Hannah's on the other side, her face stony, and Chris wordlessly steps back so she can come inside.
As soon as the door snaps shut, she whirls on him. "What the hell happened last night?"
He winces inwardly. On the scale of Hannah's anger, swearing is a good indication of just how pissed she is, since she does it so rarely. 'Fuck' is a level three, which means she likely wouldn't speak to him for a week; 'hell' is a level two, which means she's definitely angry, but he'll probably make it out of this relatively unscathed.
"Han, I'm sorry."
"Okay, you're going to have to do a lot better than that," she says, raising her eyebrows. "I don't ask for a lot of stuff. I'm fine not being the center of attention, and making other people happy, but I am getting married, and just this once, I want to be a little selfish. Just this once, I don't mind being in the spotlight, and you ruined that last night. You embarrassed me, you made me feel guilty for something you had no right to make me feel guilty for, and you hurt my feelings, so I need a lot more than just 'I'm sorry'."
Chris sighs and turns to drop onto the couch, his head falling into his hands.
"I know. I'm a jerk, and an asshole -"
"No, you're not, Chris," Hannah says, coming to sit next to him. "That's not you at all, which is why I don't understand what's going on with you lately. I know you're still upset over Claudia leaving, but this just doesn't make sense."
Chris takes a shaky breath, feeling tears beginning to sting his eyes, and lets his hands fall between his knees.
"Talk to me, Chris," Hannah says softly. "You can't keep bottling it up."
He nods and takes another shaky breath as he stares down at his hands.
"I loved her. Like, I loved her. She's the first girl I dated that I really loved, I was going to ask her to move in with me, and she just - ended it. Broke up with me two days before she was supposed to leave for LA. I was literally the last person to know; she broke her lease on her apartment, quit her job, made all of these arrangements, and then told me like - like it was an afterthought. Like I was the P.S. at the bottom of a letter, 'oh yeah, break up with Chris before you leave'."
He shrugs, a tear falling to the carpet when he blinks.
"You were right. She didn't love me; she just said she did because she thought that's what I wanted to hear. But what I hate the most is how even though I'm angry with her, I still love her. She left me after admitting she lied to me for six months - hell, for maybe our entire relationship, but I still love her, and I miss her so much."
He takes a deep breath, swiping his hands over his eyes.
"I thought I could just deal with it, though, that eventually I'd get over it, and then Eli announced that you guys were engaged, and I - I just - I guess I was jealous, because he was so happy when he told me, and I was so miserable, and it just made it worse."
Another deep breath, followed by a shake of his head as he clasps his hands together.
"That night, I went to this bar nearby, close enough so that I could walk, because my intention was to just get wasted. I wanted to forget everything for a little while, forget about Claudia, forget about you and Eli. I overslept, and woke up still a little drunk, but went to work anyway, which was stupid. I've gone out with your dad enough times for him to have seen me drunk, and he busted me. Told me -" He pauses briefly, David's words still stinging as they flash through his mind again. "Told me I was worthless, and to go home."
"You're not worthless, Chris," Hannah murmurs. "I'm sure Dad didn't mean it like it came out, and I'll talk to him about it."
She sighs. "I'm not going to say that I don't think that getting into a relationship with Claudia was a mistake, but I know we can't help how we feel sometimes. You were happy with her, and that was enough for me. She and I sort of became friends, and I have to admit, I was a little annoyed when I found out she left and didn't even say goodbye, but obviously that doesn't compare at all. I'm sorry she hurt you, and I know how much it sucks to be betrayed by someone you love. But pushing everyone away isn't going to make it better. We're your friends, and we care about you. We want you to be happy."
Chris looks at her fully, staring at her soft, sweet smile, her warm hazel eyes, no longer angry but sympathetic, long blonde hair pulled back a little messily, but still somehow perfect.
The confession dances on the tip of his tongue, the urge to tell her everything that's bothering him, including his feelings for her, and then she raises her hand to his arm.
"And he hasn't asked you yet, so you need to pretend to be surprised when he does, but I know Eli wants you to be his best man. We want you right there with us when we get married."
Like that, the confession dances away, back to the corner of his mind where it belongs. His two best friends are getting married, something that was probably destined before they were even born, and there's no way he can tell Hannah he loves her when she's got Eli, who's better for her than he could ever dream to be.
Instead he forces a smile and nods. "I want to be there to see it. And I am really, really sorry about last night. I know I ruined your party, and there's really nothing I can do to make up for that. You're the last person I ever want to hurt, and I think this makes two times now."
Hannah smiles back. "It's not okay, but I do forgive you. And twice in like, six years of being friends is a pretty good track record."
"I think the last time I was a jerk and hurt your feelings and made you mad at me, I said you could beat me up if I did it again. Offer still stands."
Hannah giggles softly and shakes her head. "Rain check, for when you're more on your game. Not that it would be a fair fight anyway."
"Ouch," Chris mutters, and lifts his hand to his chest. "Right through the heart."
She giggles again, and he smiles as he looks up at her.
"Thanks, Hannie."
"You're welcome, Christopher. And if things get too messed up, if something starts to hurt again, you can talk to any of us. We're all here to listen."
Chris nods. "I'll try to remember that."
They stand, and then Chris frowns. "Hey, um, last night - that wasn't the first Eli had heard about you and me kissing, was it?"
Hannah gives a short laugh and shakes her head. "No, he's known about that for a while. Though about half the people in that room didn't."
Chris winces. "Sorry."
"It's not a big deal. I'm not ashamed of kissing you, it's just not common knowledge that it happened. It's fine though."
She glances at the clock on the wall, and then back at Chris.
"I need to get home; Eli's parents are taking us out for an early dinner before they drive back to Connecticut, but I just had to talk to you today."
"I'm glad you did. I felt like shit when I woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because of what I did, and really wouldn't have wanted you to be mad at me for a long time."
Hannah smiles. "Yeah, well, I didn't want to be mad at you for a long time either."
Chris laughs, and then slides his arms around Hannah's shoulders when she steps close to him for a hug.
As he holds her, a sudden urge to kiss her rises within him, a vision of himself pulling back, taking her face in his hands, and pressing his lips to hers.
It's so strong that his fingers actually tighten on the fabric of her shirt, and he does pull back, abruptly jerking away from her and placing his hands firmly on her shoulders, holding her at arm's length.
She stares at him, startled. "Chris?"
"Sorry," he says quickly. "Just suddenly got really nauseous. All that beer last night coming back to bite me in the ass."
"Drink some water, and get something to eat, if you haven't already," she advises as he walks with her to the door.
With a nod and a tight smile, he nearly pushes her from his apartment, closing the door hard behind her.
He leans forward, resting his forehead against the wood, and closes his eyes as he raises a hand to the back of his neck.
A beat later, he pushes away from the door with a muttered, "Shit," and shakes his head as he moves into the kitchen to find something to eat.
Monday afternoon, Chris walks into David's office, file in his hand.
"Baker case," he murmurs, avoiding David's eyes as he holds the folder up and then sets it on the older man's desk. "Not much new. Honestly, I think it's about cold, but maybe you can give it a look and see if you can spot something."
David nods, and Chris starts to turn away when David clears his throat.
"Close the door and have a seat."
Chris holds back a sigh, certain he's about to get chewed out for what happened Saturday night, but obeys, pushing the office door shut and turning back to settle in one of the chairs in front of David's desk.
"Hannah called me last night," David begins, clasping his hands on his stomach. "Funny how it's usually the women in my life who let me know when I'm being an ass."
He sighs and shakes his head as he lifts his gaze to Chris.
"The other day, when I said you were worthless - I was angry, and disappointed. I only meant that you weren't any good to me that day. You are not worthless, Chris, and I'm sorry for saying that, even in that context. I know you're still messed up from Claudia, and that's understandable; I certainly didn't help matters. I may have been against the relationship in the beginning, but I never wanted it to end like that, with you getting hurt."
David frowns thoughtfully, propping his elbow on the desk and raising his hand to the back of his neck.
"I know I'm hard on you sometimes, maybe even a little unfairly so. You're like the son I never had, more so than any of the other guys here, even Eli, and I think this is what I would've been like if I'd had a son. Which is maybe why it's a good thing I never did."
He smiles a little crookedly, and Chris smiles tentatively back.
"I push you because I know you've got so much potential, and you've always seemed to perform better under pressure. I want you to go far here; I want you to do well. I want the same for Eli, especially now that he's going to be my son-in-law, but you and he are different. Eli just works, nose to the grindstone, and he puts the same level of passion into everything, but you - it's like you've always got something to prove. You do the work, and you do it well, but you want someone to notice, and be proud of you. It's not a criticism, and I'm not saying Eli is better than you or anything, it's just something I've noticed in the six years you've been here."
Silence falls for a moment, and then Chris shifts in his seat.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Sure," David murmurs.
"It's sort of a - confession, I guess, but maybe it's time to get some stuff off my chest."
A small frown creases his brow as he thinks briefly about what he didn't tell Hannah yesterday, and then he pushes the thought away.
"You know my dad left when I was 8, and I was 14 when he decided he didn't want to see me anymore, but it was a couple years before that, probably when I was 11 or 12, when I started really feeling that distance, like he was just going through the motions of being my dad, especially after he got remarried. When you're that young, and your dad sort of stops being your dad, you think it's your fault, you know? Like you're not good enough. I had my mom, of course, and she loved me and was proud of me enough for like, 12 parents, but at the same time, I wanted a dad to be proud of me. My mom never got remarried, hardly ever dated, really, until I was in college, so I just never really had that sort of Dad figure in my life. The FBI seemed somehow like this natural progression, because I could prove myself, make people notice me. My bosses in Texas were basically idiots, but I heard about you a little bit at the Academy, old cases and such, and then I transferred here, and met you, and it was like -"
He pauses, and then shakes his head as he breathes, "'Jesus Christ, this is what an FBI agent should be like.' You were just this <>force, I could feel it before I even really talked to you the first time, and all of these guys respected you so much. Tough but fair, stern, but not afraid to hand out compliments when they were deserved. I wanted to impress you so bad; I wanted you to notice me. Of course, we both know how well that worked out at first."
They both laugh, and then Chris continues.
"When things finally settled down between us, you started letting me in. I was your right hand on so many cases, you started inviting me over to your house for game nights and dinner, you were okay with me being friends with Hannah. You let me into your inner circle, and maybe my friendship with Hannah helped, everything tends to interweave like that, and god, it was like this huge validation."
He raises his eyebrows. "And then of course, once I was in, I started worrying that I would lose it somehow. I never wanted you to be disappointed in me; I always wanted to make you proud of me. I think the only time I really thought I was going to lose it was when Hannah was kidnapped, and SAC Greene gave me the case. I knew that if we didn't find her, or if -"
Chris stops abruptly; even over two years later, it still scares him to think about how Hannah could've died.
"I knew that if it went south," he continues after taking a breath, "you would never forgive me."
He glances at David, and though the other man doesn't reply, the reluctant confirmation of this belief is evident in his expression.
Chris nods, and then adds, "I never would have forgiven myself. But we did find her, even though you got there first, and it was another huge validation. My status was safe, even elevated a little bit, and somewhere in the midst of all of that, somewhere between me transferring here, and finding Hannah, our relationship changed slightly."
He looks up, meeting David's eyes, and shrugs. "You're the dad I always wanted. You don't just get on to me about work stuff, you get on to me about personal stuff too, and I may get pissy, but I know you do it because you actually care about me. And god, that's more than I could have ever asked for when I came here."
Chris falls silent as he looks down at his lap, willing away the tears that are threatening to rise, and then looks up again when he hears the creak of David's chair.
David stands and comes around to lean against the front of his desk, and crosses his arms over his chest as he gazes down at Chris.
"I do care about you, Chris, and I am truly flattered you think of me as your father. You have sort of become a part of our family since you've been here. You're not just a son to me, you're a big brother to Hannah, and it's stupid, because I know she's more than capable of defending herself, but when I know she's with you, I don't worry about her, because I know you'll take care of her, and that's just as important to me as anything else. There aren't many people I can put that kind of complete trust in."
Chris ducks his head briefly to hide how big he's smiling; feeling like David trusts him and actually hearing the words from his mouth are two very different things, and he suddenly feels better than he has in weeks.
"It was in your file, that your parents were divorced, that your dad gave up visitation when you were 14, and I think a little part of me identified with that. My dad died when I was 13, and it's not the same, but I know how it feels to lose your father too soon, and I think I recognized that little boy in you, the one who loved and missed his dad, and couldn't understand why he had left. Not to mention that I was a single father, and I'd always wanted more kids after Hannah, so it's sort of like these two things combined in you, empathizing with you on growing up without a dad, and wanting another kid, but I also have to reconcile that with the fact that I'm your boss, so everything sort of gets jumbled sometimes."
David shakes his head and sighs. "I'm sorry if I was insensitive about what happened with you and Claudia. I'm a stubborn asshole sometimes, I know, but at my age, it's not something I'm really going to outgrow. But I never mean to hurt you with the things I say, and I'm sorry that I did."
"Thanks," Chris murmurs, and then smiles a little. "It was stupid to come to work that day; I should've just called in sick. I don't know why I didn't."
"Yeah, well, we all do stupid things. Even me."
David grins, straightening as Chris laughs and pushes to stand, and then takes a step forward, pulling Chris into a tight hug.
"I do hope you start to feel better soon," David murmurs against Chris's shoulder. "I know it's going to hurt for a while, but you'll eventually move on, and find someone much better."
"Thanks, David," Chris replies softly, smiling as he pulls away.
When Chris gets home later, he feels the best he has since Claudia left him.
He still feels pretty miserable about the whole mess, including all of the stupid things he's done over the past couple of weeks, but his friends haven't abandoned him, have forgiven him and let him know that they're all still there for him.
It's going to take a while to move on completely, but he at least has a better outlook on things now, and it's with a much lighter heart that he changes his clothes and wanders into the kitchen to figure out something for dinner.
He eats on the couch and spends the rest of the evening immersed in a "Law & Order" marathon before standing and heading into his bedroom to start getting ready for bed.
When he flips on the light, he stands still a moment, staring around the space and realizing just how much of a mess it's become recently.
He ducks into the bathroom to grab his hamper and brings it into his bedroom to start tossing his dirty clothes in it; it looks like he'll be spending a good portion of a day this weekend doing laundry.
There's a shirt on his dresser, and he grabs it, dropping it into the hamper and then turning back to check if there's any more.
His gaze lands on the bracelet Claudia made him for his birthday last year, before her case was over, before they were anything but a witness and her assigned agent, and his body stills as he stares at it, hands falling to his sides.
It doesn't feel like it was all that long ago that she gave it to him, but at the same time, it feels like he's had it forever.
He reaches forward and picks it up, running his fingers over the smooth wooden beads to the vibrant green one at the end and over the ties, worn and crimped from being tied so many times.
A moment passes, and then he takes a deep breath as he drops the bracelet into the trash can next to his dresser before grabbing some clean pajamas and carrying them and the hamper into the bathroom to get ready for bed.