Trying to Understand
Title: Trying to Understand
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Word Count: 3,200
Characters/Pairings: Hannah, Eli, David, Madison, mentions of Jackie (Hannah/Eli)
A/N: Going against the schedule to post Han/Eli angst for Leah's birthday, because she enjoys torturing me, apparently XD ILU, bb.
"I'm gonna go visit Jackie on Saturday, you want to come with me?" Hannah asks during dinner one Wednesday night in September.
Eli looks up from his plate with a frown. "Why?"
"Because it's a long drive and I don't want to make it by myself?" Hannah answers with a laugh as she cuts off a piece of her baked potato.
"No, I mean why are you going to visit him again?"
Hannah shrugs as she chews. "It's been a few months since the last time -"
"But I thought last time was the last time."
Hannah starts to frown now too. "What do you mean?"
"Why do you want to see him again? You already said what you wanted to say to him, why do you need to go back?"
"I don't need to, I just - want to."
"But why?"
"Who else is going to do it, Eli? He's by himself; he has no family left, no friends -"
"You are not his friend, Han. It's not up to you to - to keep him company."
"Who are you to say I'm not his friend?" Hannah snaps, suddenly angry, her fork dropping with a clatter to her plate.
"He kidnapped you," Eli replies incredulously. "He almost let his brother rape and murder you -"
"No, he kept Eddie from doing those things," Hannah counters firmly. "He was going to let me go when you and Dad got there. That's why he had that gun that night, he told me he went to get it because he was going to let me go, and he got the gun to use on Eddie if he had to. He's not a bad guy, Eli; I don't understand why you can't see that."
"And I don't understand this - this hold he has over you. He still kidnapped you, Hannah," Eli says, pushing back from the table when Hannah stands suddenly with a huff and following her into the living room. "He still hurt you -"
"No!" Hannah cries, whirling to face him, her brow creased in frustration, eyes bright with sudden tears. "How many times have I told you, he didn't hurt me. He never laid a hand on me. He only drugged me that one time because Eddie made him do it. Eddie told him to do it again, and he didn't, but lied and said he did. He lied and risked himself to protect me."
She shakes her head, running a quick hand through her hair. "He was a victim too, don't you see? He only helped Eddie because he was so dependent on him. Jackie trusted him, and Eddie betrayed him. Eddie was the monster. Jackie isn't, and he's only in prison because of the things Eddie made him do. It's not his fault, Eli."
"You make it sound like he was some puppet, like he's not an adult fully capable of understanding right and wrong," Eli says fiercely. "Like he was incapable of saying no."
"He was! Jesus Christ, Eli, Eddie was all he knew. Mom told me all of this, even though she probably shouldn't have. Jackie was in foster care until he was 14, until his lowlife foster dad almost beat him to death, and Eddie saved his life. Do you know what that does to someone who has never had a good, decent authority figure in his life? Eddie was all he had. Jackie had no reason to believe that Eddie would kidnap me with intentions of killing me. He had no reason not to trust him when he said they wouldn't hurt me."
"Okay, maybe I'm just stupid," Eli says, waving his hand in the air. "Maybe I just don't understand like you do. But I still don't like it, and I don't want you doing it."
"I don't care if you like it," Hannah snaps, eyes blazing. "You don't have to like it. But you will not tell me what I can and cannot do."
She turns towards the stairs, angrily swiping her hands over her cheeks as she starts up, and then calls down, "Don't worry about going with me this weekend. I'll ask somebody else."
Eli watches her go, hands tight on his hips, and then spins, stalking into the kitchen for a beer before heading for the patio out back.
Hannah doesn't reappear downstairs for the rest of the night, and when Eli goes up to bed she's already asleep, curled away from his side of the bed.
Still feeling irritated, he changes into his pajamas and climbs into bed, and falls asleep with his back to her.
The next day at work, Eli stews in his cubicle, thinking about his and Hannah's fight the night before.
She was still asleep when he left that morning, sleeping in since her first class wasn't until two, still curled on her side with her back to him, and he'd wondered if she moved all night.
His thoughts distract him all morning, and by lunchtime, he knows he needs to get them out.
David's office door is open, and Eli taps on it to announce his presence.
"Hey," David says when he looks up, smiling a little. "What's up?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Business or personal?" David asks, his smile fading as he eyes Eli appraisingly.
"Personal."
David glances at his watch, and then pushes back from his desk.
"Come on," he says as he grabs his suit jacket from the back of his chair. "Let's go get lunch."
They're in The Pint a few minutes later, and David takes a sip of his water before nodding at Eli.
"So, what's up?"
"It's Hannah," Eli begins, playing with his straw wrapper. "She wants to visit Jackie again."
"Oh," David remarks, frowning slightly. "Why?"
"That's what I asked, and she got all mad at me and we fought." Eli shrugs. "I just don't understand it, I don't get why she wants to go back to see him to just like - visit."
"I don't get it either, to be honest," David admits. "I figured after she said what she wanted to say to him that that would be it."
"So did I. I mean - it almost feels like she's not fully moving on."
"Yeah, a little. Maybe I'll talk to her. See if I can't figure this out."
Eli nods, feeling marginally better. If anybody can get to the bottom of this, it's David.
The next morning, David calls Hannah to see if she wants to come have lunch with him. She agrees, and they decide to meet at the deli a block from the Bureau.
"Hey, baby," he murmurs when she arrives, giving her a quick hug.
"Hey, Dad," she replies, squeezing him before they separate to go inside.
They order at the counter and settle a few minutes later at one of the tables with their food.
"So," she says after a couple of bites of her sandwich. "Did you ask me to lunch just because, or do you have some ulterior motive?"
David snorts. "And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"Dad, you never just randomly call me up to ask me to have lunch. We either plan it, or I call you, so what's this about?"
David takes a breath, and another bite of his sandwich, before answering her.
"Eli talked to me yesterday."
"Really," Hannah says in an oddly flat tone. "About what?"
"He said you were going to visit Jackie again this weekend."
"I cannot believe he went to you," Hannah hisses, dropping her sandwich into her basket. "So what, you asked me here to try to talk some sense into me or something?"
"No," David says slowly, aware he's treading dangerous ground. "We're just worried about you. I mean, you're going to a prison, for starters. It's low security, but that doesn't mean something couldn't still happen."
"It's not like I'm going every weekend or something," Hannah says, shrugging her shoulders. "Or even staying that long. I just want to talk to him, Dad. He doesn't have anybody else."
"But that doesn't mean you have to be his somebody. He's a criminal, baby, and he's in prison for a reason -"
"I know that," Hannah says, the words strained through gritted teeth. "I'm not stupid."
"Nobody's saying you are -"
"I know perfectly well why he's in prison. I haven't forgotten anything. Why are you all getting so upset about this? If visiting Jackie should be affecting anybody, shouldn't it be me? And I'm fine. I want to do this."
"I just worry that you're maybe not really moving on like you should be."
Hannah gives a humorless laugh, rolling her eyes towards the ceiling. "I don't intend to sit there and rehash the details of the kidnapping every time I go to see him. This has nothing to do with that. All I want to do is talk to him. Get to know him. Let him get to know me. It's not just about me moving on, you know, it's also about him."
She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't need you looking out for me all the time, Dad. I know what I'm doing, okay? And I really don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Okay, Han," David replies quietly with a nod. "We'll talk about something else."
The rest of lunch is fairly relaxed, but as David hugs Hannah goodbye and kisses her cheek, he has a suspicion that Eli is in for a fight when he gets home later tonight.
"You talked to my dad about me?"
Hannah's angry voice greets Eli the moment he walks through the door later that night, and he sighs as he pushes the door closed.
"I'm just worried about you -" he begins, turning to face her.
"So, what, you told on me? What is this, elementary school?" Hannah throws her arms out at her sides. "You didn't like what I had to say, so you went and told on me to my dad?"
"I just want to understand -"
"Then you talk to me, Eli!" she exclaims, her brow furrowed. "You don't go behind my back and talk to my dad. You don't treat me like a child, like I'm someone who doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm not crazy, and I'm not stupid."
"I'm not saying you are, Han," he murmurs.
"Yes, you are." She stares at him, eyes hard and glittering with angry tears. "By not trusting me or my judgment, that's exactly what you're doing. The only people still treating me like a victim in all of this are you and Dad, and no matter how much I love you both, it really hurts me, and I don't appreciate it."
Eli stares at her, an uncomfortably warm feeling of guilt beginning to settle low in his stomach, and Hannah shakes her head when he opens his mouth to speak.
"I'm done talking about this with you, and if you don't have anything else to talk to me about, then don't talk to me at all. And I'm still going to visit him tomorrow. Maddie's going with me."
Now she just looks tired, and she sighs as she turns to start up the stairs.
"I had an early dinner with John," she says, "so you're on your own for food."
The underlying message is clear, that she really doesn't want to talk to him for the rest of the night, and he sighs when the bedroom door closes behind her.
Certain she's going to take a bath, he waits until he hears the water turn on before heading up to change his clothes, and then comes back downstairs to try to decide what he wants to eat.
The night passes much like the previous two did, Hannah staying upstairs while Eli stays down until he goes to bed, and once again they sleep without touching, curled away from each other on their sides of the bed.
"Okay," Madison says cheerily when Hannah picks her up just before nine the next morning. "Mini road trip time, let's go."
Hannah laughs and shakes her head. "I wouldn't really call it a road trip."
"Three hours both ways, that's nothing to sneeze at," Madison counters, setting her travel mug of coffee into the cup holder before reaching for her seatbelt. "And you know the best way to deal with idiot boyfriends?"
"What?" Hannah asks, her mouth twisting as she looks over at her friend.
"Shopping," Madison answers promptly, making Hannah laugh again. "You get your visit on, and then we'll have lunch, do some shopping, and maybe have dinner too before we come back."
Hannah hums as she navigates her way into traffic and starts towards the highway. "Sounds like a good day to me."
"Yeah," Madison agrees. "I thought so too."
She grins when Hannah glances over at her, and they drive for a few minutes in companionable silence.
"Do you think it's weird?" Hannah asks, breaking the silence. "Me wanting to visit Jackie?"
Madison sighs. "You're not crazy for wanting to do it, Han. You're not saying that what he did wasn't wrong. You're just acknowledging that there are other circumstances. You don't want him to be alone, and there's nothing wrong with that. Eli doesn't understand it now, maybe he will eventually, maybe he won't, but it's not up to him to decide if you can visit Jackie."
"Yeah," Hannah murmurs, her fingers flexing around the steering wheel.
Madison reaches over to rest her hand on Hannah's arm, squeezing gently.
"Don't worry about Eli. He won't stay mad forever. Let's just have a girls' day, okay?"
Hannah nods, glancing over with a smile. "Okay."
Madison waits in the car while Hannah visits Jackie, entertaining herself by sketching the prison on the small sketchpad she always carries with her.
Though Jackie notices something is off about Hannah, she brushes aside his concern, and they spend a half hour together before she leaves, promising to visit again soon.
Hannah returns to her car and she and Madison head to lunch, and then spend the next several hours shopping.
"You're such a bad influence," Hannah mutters as she flips through a rack of dresses. "I never go to the mall."
Madison grins. "Han, it's not a terrible thing to treat yourself sometimes and say fuck the cost. Besides, you just finished that photography job, so you're not strapped for cash. Buy some pretty things, and maybe a couple of things to make Eli forget he was ever mad at you for anything."
Hannah smirks, and Madison grins again before heading for another rack to look at some tops.
They decide to eat dinner before heading home, and Hannah texts Eli to let him know he's on his own for food.
When do you think you'll be home? he texts back.
Probably around nine or ten.
Okay. Just let me know when you guys leave, okay?
Hannah shakes her head, though the corner of her mouth lifts in a small fond smile as she tells him she will.
"Eli giving you grief again?" Madison asks as Hannah puts her phone away.
"No, just being Eli. He wants me to let him know when we leave."
"Guess I can let that one slide then," Madison murmurs, and Hannah snorts as she reaches for her menu.
It's just before ten o'clock that night when Hannah drops Madison off at her apartment, and then heads home.
Eli's on the couch when she steps inside, and raises his eyebrows at the bags in her hands.
"Guess you guys had fun."
Hannah gives a short laugh and nods. "Yeah. Shopping with Maddie is almost always a guarantee of spending too much money." She shrugs, and then adds softly, "I don't know, I guess I just needed some shopping therapy."
Eli doesn't reply, and Hannah starts up the stairs to the bedroom to put her new clothes away.
A couple of minutes later, Eli pushes the door open and stands a minute, watching as Hannah pulls a dress out of one of the bags.
"That looks nice," Eli murmurs as she holds it up.
"Yeah, I think it's my favorite," she replies, smiling a little as she goes to hang it up in the closet.
He settles on the edge of the bed, watching as she puts more clothes away, including some things she tucks into her underwear drawer that admittedly piques his interest.
"Han, I'm sorry."
"For what?" she asks as she turns to face him, her voice firm.
It's a test, and he takes a breath, hoping he gets the answer right. "For not trusting you about Jackie, and telling you I didn't want you to visit him. For talking to your dad about you behind your back. For - for treating you like less than what you are. You were right; I was treating you like a child, and like a victim. That wasn't fair, and I'm sorry."
He sighs and shakes his head. "I'm not going to pretend I understand it or that I'm really okay with it -"
"You don't have to be okay with it."
"I know."
"And you can't stop me from doing it."
"I know. Hopefully one day I can understand it, but until then, the least I can do is support you. From now on, if you want me to go with you when you visit him, just ask, and I will. I can deal with waiting while you spend a half hour or an hour with him if it means I get to spend the rest of the day with you."
Hannah stares at him a moment, and then gives a short nod, her lips twitching in a vague smile as she murmurs, "Thank you."
Eli smiles back, holding his hand out, and Hannah gives him hers, allowing him to pull her close.
"I do want you to understand, Eli," she says softly, meeting his eyes. "This isn't me not moving past the kidnapping, it's the opposite. If it were Eddie in prison, then hell yes, I'd want him to rot there and wouldn't dream of going to visit him, but Jackie isn't like his brother. I just want to talk to him, and maybe, eventually, be his friend. I mean, isn't that the ultimate moving on? Becoming friends with someone who hurt you? Letting go of the past? That's what I'm trying to do. He needs someone to be there for him when he gets out, he needs a - a link to the outside world, and if that link is me, then it's me."
Eli nods. "I'm trying to understand, Han, I am."
"That's all I want you to do. I just want you to try, and whatever I can do to help, just let me know. And please don't ever go behind my back with Dad like that again."
"Okay," Eli murmurs, nodding again as he squeezes her hand. He lifts his other hand to push her hair behind her ear before letting his palm rest on her cheek. "I love you, babe, and I'm sorry."
"I know," she replies, bending to touch a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you too."
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Word Count: 3,200
Characters/Pairings: Hannah, Eli, David, Madison, mentions of Jackie (Hannah/Eli)
A/N: Going against the schedule to post Han/Eli angst for Leah's birthday, because she enjoys torturing me, apparently XD ILU, bb.
"I'm gonna go visit Jackie on Saturday, you want to come with me?" Hannah asks during dinner one Wednesday night in September.
Eli looks up from his plate with a frown. "Why?"
"Because it's a long drive and I don't want to make it by myself?" Hannah answers with a laugh as she cuts off a piece of her baked potato.
"No, I mean why are you going to visit him again?"
Hannah shrugs as she chews. "It's been a few months since the last time -"
"But I thought last time was the last time."
Hannah starts to frown now too. "What do you mean?"
"Why do you want to see him again? You already said what you wanted to say to him, why do you need to go back?"
"I don't need to, I just - want to."
"But why?"
"Who else is going to do it, Eli? He's by himself; he has no family left, no friends -"
"You are not his friend, Han. It's not up to you to - to keep him company."
"Who are you to say I'm not his friend?" Hannah snaps, suddenly angry, her fork dropping with a clatter to her plate.
"He kidnapped you," Eli replies incredulously. "He almost let his brother rape and murder you -"
"No, he kept Eddie from doing those things," Hannah counters firmly. "He was going to let me go when you and Dad got there. That's why he had that gun that night, he told me he went to get it because he was going to let me go, and he got the gun to use on Eddie if he had to. He's not a bad guy, Eli; I don't understand why you can't see that."
"And I don't understand this - this hold he has over you. He still kidnapped you, Hannah," Eli says, pushing back from the table when Hannah stands suddenly with a huff and following her into the living room. "He still hurt you -"
"No!" Hannah cries, whirling to face him, her brow creased in frustration, eyes bright with sudden tears. "How many times have I told you, he didn't hurt me. He never laid a hand on me. He only drugged me that one time because Eddie made him do it. Eddie told him to do it again, and he didn't, but lied and said he did. He lied and risked himself to protect me."
She shakes her head, running a quick hand through her hair. "He was a victim too, don't you see? He only helped Eddie because he was so dependent on him. Jackie trusted him, and Eddie betrayed him. Eddie was the monster. Jackie isn't, and he's only in prison because of the things Eddie made him do. It's not his fault, Eli."
"You make it sound like he was some puppet, like he's not an adult fully capable of understanding right and wrong," Eli says fiercely. "Like he was incapable of saying no."
"He was! Jesus Christ, Eli, Eddie was all he knew. Mom told me all of this, even though she probably shouldn't have. Jackie was in foster care until he was 14, until his lowlife foster dad almost beat him to death, and Eddie saved his life. Do you know what that does to someone who has never had a good, decent authority figure in his life? Eddie was all he had. Jackie had no reason to believe that Eddie would kidnap me with intentions of killing me. He had no reason not to trust him when he said they wouldn't hurt me."
"Okay, maybe I'm just stupid," Eli says, waving his hand in the air. "Maybe I just don't understand like you do. But I still don't like it, and I don't want you doing it."
"I don't care if you like it," Hannah snaps, eyes blazing. "You don't have to like it. But you will not tell me what I can and cannot do."
She turns towards the stairs, angrily swiping her hands over her cheeks as she starts up, and then calls down, "Don't worry about going with me this weekend. I'll ask somebody else."
Eli watches her go, hands tight on his hips, and then spins, stalking into the kitchen for a beer before heading for the patio out back.
Hannah doesn't reappear downstairs for the rest of the night, and when Eli goes up to bed she's already asleep, curled away from his side of the bed.
Still feeling irritated, he changes into his pajamas and climbs into bed, and falls asleep with his back to her.
The next day at work, Eli stews in his cubicle, thinking about his and Hannah's fight the night before.
She was still asleep when he left that morning, sleeping in since her first class wasn't until two, still curled on her side with her back to him, and he'd wondered if she moved all night.
His thoughts distract him all morning, and by lunchtime, he knows he needs to get them out.
David's office door is open, and Eli taps on it to announce his presence.
"Hey," David says when he looks up, smiling a little. "What's up?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Business or personal?" David asks, his smile fading as he eyes Eli appraisingly.
"Personal."
David glances at his watch, and then pushes back from his desk.
"Come on," he says as he grabs his suit jacket from the back of his chair. "Let's go get lunch."
They're in The Pint a few minutes later, and David takes a sip of his water before nodding at Eli.
"So, what's up?"
"It's Hannah," Eli begins, playing with his straw wrapper. "She wants to visit Jackie again."
"Oh," David remarks, frowning slightly. "Why?"
"That's what I asked, and she got all mad at me and we fought." Eli shrugs. "I just don't understand it, I don't get why she wants to go back to see him to just like - visit."
"I don't get it either, to be honest," David admits. "I figured after she said what she wanted to say to him that that would be it."
"So did I. I mean - it almost feels like she's not fully moving on."
"Yeah, a little. Maybe I'll talk to her. See if I can't figure this out."
Eli nods, feeling marginally better. If anybody can get to the bottom of this, it's David.
The next morning, David calls Hannah to see if she wants to come have lunch with him. She agrees, and they decide to meet at the deli a block from the Bureau.
"Hey, baby," he murmurs when she arrives, giving her a quick hug.
"Hey, Dad," she replies, squeezing him before they separate to go inside.
They order at the counter and settle a few minutes later at one of the tables with their food.
"So," she says after a couple of bites of her sandwich. "Did you ask me to lunch just because, or do you have some ulterior motive?"
David snorts. "And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"Dad, you never just randomly call me up to ask me to have lunch. We either plan it, or I call you, so what's this about?"
David takes a breath, and another bite of his sandwich, before answering her.
"Eli talked to me yesterday."
"Really," Hannah says in an oddly flat tone. "About what?"
"He said you were going to visit Jackie again this weekend."
"I cannot believe he went to you," Hannah hisses, dropping her sandwich into her basket. "So what, you asked me here to try to talk some sense into me or something?"
"No," David says slowly, aware he's treading dangerous ground. "We're just worried about you. I mean, you're going to a prison, for starters. It's low security, but that doesn't mean something couldn't still happen."
"It's not like I'm going every weekend or something," Hannah says, shrugging her shoulders. "Or even staying that long. I just want to talk to him, Dad. He doesn't have anybody else."
"But that doesn't mean you have to be his somebody. He's a criminal, baby, and he's in prison for a reason -"
"I know that," Hannah says, the words strained through gritted teeth. "I'm not stupid."
"Nobody's saying you are -"
"I know perfectly well why he's in prison. I haven't forgotten anything. Why are you all getting so upset about this? If visiting Jackie should be affecting anybody, shouldn't it be me? And I'm fine. I want to do this."
"I just worry that you're maybe not really moving on like you should be."
Hannah gives a humorless laugh, rolling her eyes towards the ceiling. "I don't intend to sit there and rehash the details of the kidnapping every time I go to see him. This has nothing to do with that. All I want to do is talk to him. Get to know him. Let him get to know me. It's not just about me moving on, you know, it's also about him."
She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't need you looking out for me all the time, Dad. I know what I'm doing, okay? And I really don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Okay, Han," David replies quietly with a nod. "We'll talk about something else."
The rest of lunch is fairly relaxed, but as David hugs Hannah goodbye and kisses her cheek, he has a suspicion that Eli is in for a fight when he gets home later tonight.
"You talked to my dad about me?"
Hannah's angry voice greets Eli the moment he walks through the door later that night, and he sighs as he pushes the door closed.
"I'm just worried about you -" he begins, turning to face her.
"So, what, you told on me? What is this, elementary school?" Hannah throws her arms out at her sides. "You didn't like what I had to say, so you went and told on me to my dad?"
"I just want to understand -"
"Then you talk to me, Eli!" she exclaims, her brow furrowed. "You don't go behind my back and talk to my dad. You don't treat me like a child, like I'm someone who doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm not crazy, and I'm not stupid."
"I'm not saying you are, Han," he murmurs.
"Yes, you are." She stares at him, eyes hard and glittering with angry tears. "By not trusting me or my judgment, that's exactly what you're doing. The only people still treating me like a victim in all of this are you and Dad, and no matter how much I love you both, it really hurts me, and I don't appreciate it."
Eli stares at her, an uncomfortably warm feeling of guilt beginning to settle low in his stomach, and Hannah shakes her head when he opens his mouth to speak.
"I'm done talking about this with you, and if you don't have anything else to talk to me about, then don't talk to me at all. And I'm still going to visit him tomorrow. Maddie's going with me."
Now she just looks tired, and she sighs as she turns to start up the stairs.
"I had an early dinner with John," she says, "so you're on your own for food."
The underlying message is clear, that she really doesn't want to talk to him for the rest of the night, and he sighs when the bedroom door closes behind her.
Certain she's going to take a bath, he waits until he hears the water turn on before heading up to change his clothes, and then comes back downstairs to try to decide what he wants to eat.
The night passes much like the previous two did, Hannah staying upstairs while Eli stays down until he goes to bed, and once again they sleep without touching, curled away from each other on their sides of the bed.
"Okay," Madison says cheerily when Hannah picks her up just before nine the next morning. "Mini road trip time, let's go."
Hannah laughs and shakes her head. "I wouldn't really call it a road trip."
"Three hours both ways, that's nothing to sneeze at," Madison counters, setting her travel mug of coffee into the cup holder before reaching for her seatbelt. "And you know the best way to deal with idiot boyfriends?"
"What?" Hannah asks, her mouth twisting as she looks over at her friend.
"Shopping," Madison answers promptly, making Hannah laugh again. "You get your visit on, and then we'll have lunch, do some shopping, and maybe have dinner too before we come back."
Hannah hums as she navigates her way into traffic and starts towards the highway. "Sounds like a good day to me."
"Yeah," Madison agrees. "I thought so too."
She grins when Hannah glances over at her, and they drive for a few minutes in companionable silence.
"Do you think it's weird?" Hannah asks, breaking the silence. "Me wanting to visit Jackie?"
Madison sighs. "You're not crazy for wanting to do it, Han. You're not saying that what he did wasn't wrong. You're just acknowledging that there are other circumstances. You don't want him to be alone, and there's nothing wrong with that. Eli doesn't understand it now, maybe he will eventually, maybe he won't, but it's not up to him to decide if you can visit Jackie."
"Yeah," Hannah murmurs, her fingers flexing around the steering wheel.
Madison reaches over to rest her hand on Hannah's arm, squeezing gently.
"Don't worry about Eli. He won't stay mad forever. Let's just have a girls' day, okay?"
Hannah nods, glancing over with a smile. "Okay."
Madison waits in the car while Hannah visits Jackie, entertaining herself by sketching the prison on the small sketchpad she always carries with her.
Though Jackie notices something is off about Hannah, she brushes aside his concern, and they spend a half hour together before she leaves, promising to visit again soon.
Hannah returns to her car and she and Madison head to lunch, and then spend the next several hours shopping.
"You're such a bad influence," Hannah mutters as she flips through a rack of dresses. "I never go to the mall."
Madison grins. "Han, it's not a terrible thing to treat yourself sometimes and say fuck the cost. Besides, you just finished that photography job, so you're not strapped for cash. Buy some pretty things, and maybe a couple of things to make Eli forget he was ever mad at you for anything."
Hannah smirks, and Madison grins again before heading for another rack to look at some tops.
They decide to eat dinner before heading home, and Hannah texts Eli to let him know he's on his own for food.
When do you think you'll be home? he texts back.
Probably around nine or ten.
Okay. Just let me know when you guys leave, okay?
Hannah shakes her head, though the corner of her mouth lifts in a small fond smile as she tells him she will.
"Eli giving you grief again?" Madison asks as Hannah puts her phone away.
"No, just being Eli. He wants me to let him know when we leave."
"Guess I can let that one slide then," Madison murmurs, and Hannah snorts as she reaches for her menu.
It's just before ten o'clock that night when Hannah drops Madison off at her apartment, and then heads home.
Eli's on the couch when she steps inside, and raises his eyebrows at the bags in her hands.
"Guess you guys had fun."
Hannah gives a short laugh and nods. "Yeah. Shopping with Maddie is almost always a guarantee of spending too much money." She shrugs, and then adds softly, "I don't know, I guess I just needed some shopping therapy."
Eli doesn't reply, and Hannah starts up the stairs to the bedroom to put her new clothes away.
A couple of minutes later, Eli pushes the door open and stands a minute, watching as Hannah pulls a dress out of one of the bags.
"That looks nice," Eli murmurs as she holds it up.
"Yeah, I think it's my favorite," she replies, smiling a little as she goes to hang it up in the closet.
He settles on the edge of the bed, watching as she puts more clothes away, including some things she tucks into her underwear drawer that admittedly piques his interest.
"Han, I'm sorry."
"For what?" she asks as she turns to face him, her voice firm.
It's a test, and he takes a breath, hoping he gets the answer right. "For not trusting you about Jackie, and telling you I didn't want you to visit him. For talking to your dad about you behind your back. For - for treating you like less than what you are. You were right; I was treating you like a child, and like a victim. That wasn't fair, and I'm sorry."
He sighs and shakes his head. "I'm not going to pretend I understand it or that I'm really okay with it -"
"You don't have to be okay with it."
"I know."
"And you can't stop me from doing it."
"I know. Hopefully one day I can understand it, but until then, the least I can do is support you. From now on, if you want me to go with you when you visit him, just ask, and I will. I can deal with waiting while you spend a half hour or an hour with him if it means I get to spend the rest of the day with you."
Hannah stares at him a moment, and then gives a short nod, her lips twitching in a vague smile as she murmurs, "Thank you."
Eli smiles back, holding his hand out, and Hannah gives him hers, allowing him to pull her close.
"I do want you to understand, Eli," she says softly, meeting his eyes. "This isn't me not moving past the kidnapping, it's the opposite. If it were Eddie in prison, then hell yes, I'd want him to rot there and wouldn't dream of going to visit him, but Jackie isn't like his brother. I just want to talk to him, and maybe, eventually, be his friend. I mean, isn't that the ultimate moving on? Becoming friends with someone who hurt you? Letting go of the past? That's what I'm trying to do. He needs someone to be there for him when he gets out, he needs a - a link to the outside world, and if that link is me, then it's me."
Eli nods. "I'm trying to understand, Han, I am."
"That's all I want you to do. I just want you to try, and whatever I can do to help, just let me know. And please don't ever go behind my back with Dad like that again."
"Okay," Eli murmurs, nodding again as he squeezes her hand. He lifts his other hand to push her hair behind her ear before letting his palm rest on her cheek. "I love you, babe, and I'm sorry."
"I know," she replies, bending to touch a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you too."