(no subject)
"LOOK INSIDE. YOU ARE THE WORLD."
and yet when I look inside I am unhappy. The world is unhappy.
And I look at other people are they are happy inspite of it all.
I've struggled for the past four years of my life to find happiness. I've achieved many things. More than I ever thought possible. Yet I'm still not happy and I still can't bring myself to work as hard as I want to. I want to figure out how to fix myself, fix my work habits, fix my life, and be happy about myself.
Foundation year of RISD ends in two weeks. In those two weeks I will either proove it to myself or not that I can or cannot complete a project about a concept I am passionate about for a class I supposedly care about for a teacher I respect and for myself.
Lets see if I can do it. If I am unable to, I honestly don't know what I will do with myself. Tumble into an even deeper pit of sadness? I don't know. I haven't yet learned to accept failure. I can accept it if it came with working hard, but as far as I know I haven't.
There is a flaw to my style of thinking.
The flaw is I do not love myself. Not now. I did once, for a while.
And beginning is always the hardest part of everything.
I will never know how hard it was for my mother to give birth to me. Until I give birth to my own child. Beginning is always the hardest.
Almost as hard as saying goodbye.
As far as I know I will never say goodbye to the artist in me. I can only fight my demons so long before they catch the better of me. That's always been the difference between me and my friend who I so look up to.
and yet when I look inside I am unhappy. The world is unhappy.
And I look at other people are they are happy inspite of it all.
I've struggled for the past four years of my life to find happiness. I've achieved many things. More than I ever thought possible. Yet I'm still not happy and I still can't bring myself to work as hard as I want to. I want to figure out how to fix myself, fix my work habits, fix my life, and be happy about myself.
Foundation year of RISD ends in two weeks. In those two weeks I will either proove it to myself or not that I can or cannot complete a project about a concept I am passionate about for a class I supposedly care about for a teacher I respect and for myself.
Lets see if I can do it. If I am unable to, I honestly don't know what I will do with myself. Tumble into an even deeper pit of sadness? I don't know. I haven't yet learned to accept failure. I can accept it if it came with working hard, but as far as I know I haven't.
There is a flaw to my style of thinking.
The flaw is I do not love myself. Not now. I did once, for a while.
And beginning is always the hardest part of everything.
I will never know how hard it was for my mother to give birth to me. Until I give birth to my own child. Beginning is always the hardest.
Almost as hard as saying goodbye.
As far as I know I will never say goodbye to the artist in me. I can only fight my demons so long before they catch the better of me. That's always been the difference between me and my friend who I so look up to.