if anything is anything then i will be optimistic
"even if your father has the words "the end is nigh" tattooed to his forehead, there is still hope to be an optimist."
- Gala Darling or someone.
And yeah, it gets really fucking hard sometimes. There's 4 weeks left of this ridiculous year. Sleep deprivation had gotten me influenza and I've only just recovered. I have a crush on a guy I've hardly spoken to before because I'm afraid. This had lasted for a long time and it's kind of ridiculous because I'm fallling for the idea of him, not who he actually is. This summer I'm almost positive I'm gonna be in a cramped californian garage with 12 amazing people working in an organization to save the the situation going on in Congo. Im trading a safe, comfortable summer of sleep spent at home with the close companionship of my friends for that.
Sometimes you break down because your time management is the worst it's ever been and you're surrounded with memories of all the times you've been a better person, a harder worker, and a wonderful giver of advice to every who needs it except for yourself -- who is oftentimes the person who needs it most. And most of all you are surrounded with the overarching thundercloud of potential and all her billowing voices clawing out to every fiber of your being saying you can do better. But the stress doesn't make you do better; it just makes you want to sleep and forget everything. .today i went to sleep and wanted to forget everything. i woke up realizing that i cannot escape this work, i woke up feeling like a failure, i woke up realizing that i am unbelievably, idealistically, hard on my self, and then after a break down triggered by the harsh ridiculous honesty that i shouldn't be feeling this way at all; I realized that I am actually fine. Just lonesome, and burnt out, and overly passionate, but my body and mind and habits can never keep up with them.
thank god I'm not a drug addict. thank god my bad habits dont ever get worse than procrastination.
I don't know how I'm gonna survive these next four weeks, without somehow finding a way to become my biggest and most passionate cheerleader.
I have no idea how I'm gonna survive, EVER if I dont figure out how to love myself. Throw insecurity down the drain. Nobody hates me. Nobody is gonna kill me. I'm not dead, in fact I am living, and now is my time and there is no better time to do anything than what I'm passionate about. I'm alive. 99.99999% of what exists and existed has died. I'm part of the 0.00000000001% thats alive. I guess that's powerful. I guess that means something. If it doesn't then my entire life philosophy will shattter in my heart beat, and everythign i've created is meaningless.
self-love is the hardest thing in the entire world. its so much harder than loving a man.
and loving art. because i do love my art, but I can't let that relationship grow if I cant love the mind and human that is producing it.
No actually, I love my mind. Its my personality and insecurities that endlessly destroy me.
but id ont have to let that be.
i cant choose to be optimistic.
and i will.
- Gala Darling or someone.
And yeah, it gets really fucking hard sometimes. There's 4 weeks left of this ridiculous year. Sleep deprivation had gotten me influenza and I've only just recovered. I have a crush on a guy I've hardly spoken to before because I'm afraid. This had lasted for a long time and it's kind of ridiculous because I'm fallling for the idea of him, not who he actually is. This summer I'm almost positive I'm gonna be in a cramped californian garage with 12 amazing people working in an organization to save the the situation going on in Congo. Im trading a safe, comfortable summer of sleep spent at home with the close companionship of my friends for that.
Sometimes you break down because your time management is the worst it's ever been and you're surrounded with memories of all the times you've been a better person, a harder worker, and a wonderful giver of advice to every who needs it except for yourself -- who is oftentimes the person who needs it most. And most of all you are surrounded with the overarching thundercloud of potential and all her billowing voices clawing out to every fiber of your being saying you can do better. But the stress doesn't make you do better; it just makes you want to sleep and forget everything. .today i went to sleep and wanted to forget everything. i woke up realizing that i cannot escape this work, i woke up feeling like a failure, i woke up realizing that i am unbelievably, idealistically, hard on my self, and then after a break down triggered by the harsh ridiculous honesty that i shouldn't be feeling this way at all; I realized that I am actually fine. Just lonesome, and burnt out, and overly passionate, but my body and mind and habits can never keep up with them.
thank god I'm not a drug addict. thank god my bad habits dont ever get worse than procrastination.
I don't know how I'm gonna survive these next four weeks, without somehow finding a way to become my biggest and most passionate cheerleader.
I have no idea how I'm gonna survive, EVER if I dont figure out how to love myself. Throw insecurity down the drain. Nobody hates me. Nobody is gonna kill me. I'm not dead, in fact I am living, and now is my time and there is no better time to do anything than what I'm passionate about. I'm alive. 99.99999% of what exists and existed has died. I'm part of the 0.00000000001% thats alive. I guess that's powerful. I guess that means something. If it doesn't then my entire life philosophy will shattter in my heart beat, and everythign i've created is meaningless.
self-love is the hardest thing in the entire world. its so much harder than loving a man.
and loving art. because i do love my art, but I can't let that relationship grow if I cant love the mind and human that is producing it.
No actually, I love my mind. Its my personality and insecurities that endlessly destroy me.
but id ont have to let that be.
i cant choose to be optimistic.
and i will.