why should i watch matt damon cry without her by my side?
alrighty. barely getting into the schedule but I'm working on it. But I don't want to talk about school. I want to talk about snowball and what is going on. I'm praying for some of the old magic to come back and I think John may have sparked it. I hope so.
Since the last snowball, everything felt so different. The happy-go-lucky feeling wasn't there as much as it was last time. I can't describe it, but I could hardly cry. Maybe it was because I was sorta PMSing and missing Land-o and so on... but El and I had uber bitch fests. Whatever. But after I got back, I was still happy. Had new friends, one's I didn't want to change. But things did change and this is why I'm in a rut and just missing things:
I miss the feeling BEFORE the weekend.
I miss how much fun those planning meetings were, before I was in a hole.
I miss that one night at fleege's with Adam, Christi, Katie, and John. Super Troopers and poker.
I miss how happy I was just being in the general area of these wonderful people.
I miss that feeling of being so sad but so happy at the same time.
I miss not doubting where I stood with everyone.
I miss being so blindly in love with everything about snow.
I miss stefan and grant and all of the seniors from last year.
I miss Adam, my first small group leader who put up with me even though i sorta accidently ruined the "Amazing" thing.
I miss having a good leader because my last group leader... god, I just don't like her. I find her to be an overly scarcastic brat who doesn't belong in snowball. and I don't like how she lead the small group.
I miss how I wasn't this complain-y last year.
I miss being naiive.
I wish I could straighten out everything about snowball pronto and fix whatever is broken about it in my head. I really want every thing to go back to how it was... how I would try and try not to cry until finally everything came out so fast and me not being able to control it. tears just pouring out and me trying to keep them in my holding onto john's hand so tight that i turned his fingers odd colors. crying when I got my warm fuzzy from grant and not know why, or for that matter, caring, because everything felt So RIGHT for the first time since I started high school. I remember that one skit that Caroline did this year, the poem about how this girl grows up and the ending just made my insides curl up. Then the difusing time in small groups. I loved my group in spring. I loved that I could say what I wanted to say, be who I really was and everyone supported me. But I think I didn't get that feeling this fall. I don't know why. I think I started to get this mask and I kept the things that I finally wanted to let out inside and they turned me bitter. I miss my first time. Adam was terrific. I felt so safe. And liz and every single person in that group turned into my hero. I remember running in the field durring a rain storm because we didn't want to talk about the sadness of ATOD night. Letting go was what made snowball so real and so perfect in spring. Holding in was what took away from the love. I need to do my snow ap. IF I'm going to do it at all. I guess I have a lot to ponder for a bit.
Reading John's LJ just made me feel better. Knowing that me being there helps. I guess thats going to help me think more on the snow-track.
thank you everyone, for just being there. I love you and you're presence just makes me sane.
Since the last snowball, everything felt so different. The happy-go-lucky feeling wasn't there as much as it was last time. I can't describe it, but I could hardly cry. Maybe it was because I was sorta PMSing and missing Land-o and so on... but El and I had uber bitch fests. Whatever. But after I got back, I was still happy. Had new friends, one's I didn't want to change. But things did change and this is why I'm in a rut and just missing things:
I miss the feeling BEFORE the weekend.
I miss how much fun those planning meetings were, before I was in a hole.
I miss that one night at fleege's with Adam, Christi, Katie, and John. Super Troopers and poker.
I miss how happy I was just being in the general area of these wonderful people.
I miss that feeling of being so sad but so happy at the same time.
I miss not doubting where I stood with everyone.
I miss being so blindly in love with everything about snow.
I miss stefan and grant and all of the seniors from last year.
I miss Adam, my first small group leader who put up with me even though i sorta accidently ruined the "Amazing" thing.
I miss having a good leader because my last group leader... god, I just don't like her. I find her to be an overly scarcastic brat who doesn't belong in snowball. and I don't like how she lead the small group.
I miss how I wasn't this complain-y last year.
I miss being naiive.
I wish I could straighten out everything about snowball pronto and fix whatever is broken about it in my head. I really want every thing to go back to how it was... how I would try and try not to cry until finally everything came out so fast and me not being able to control it. tears just pouring out and me trying to keep them in my holding onto john's hand so tight that i turned his fingers odd colors. crying when I got my warm fuzzy from grant and not know why, or for that matter, caring, because everything felt So RIGHT for the first time since I started high school. I remember that one skit that Caroline did this year, the poem about how this girl grows up and the ending just made my insides curl up. Then the difusing time in small groups. I loved my group in spring. I loved that I could say what I wanted to say, be who I really was and everyone supported me. But I think I didn't get that feeling this fall. I don't know why. I think I started to get this mask and I kept the things that I finally wanted to let out inside and they turned me bitter. I miss my first time. Adam was terrific. I felt so safe. And liz and every single person in that group turned into my hero. I remember running in the field durring a rain storm because we didn't want to talk about the sadness of ATOD night. Letting go was what made snowball so real and so perfect in spring. Holding in was what took away from the love. I need to do my snow ap. IF I'm going to do it at all. I guess I have a lot to ponder for a bit.
Reading John's LJ just made me feel better. Knowing that me being there helps. I guess thats going to help me think more on the snow-track.
thank you everyone, for just being there. I love you and you're presence just makes me sane.