(no subject)
Life is just blah. Everyone says enjoy your life while you're young it doesn't last long, but I can not wait till I am out of high school, out of misery. I can't wait till I am 30 and on my own and away from everyone. I mean, life as a teenager sucks. Having to depend on parents sucks. I don't have control over much, I barely have control over my own life. I'm going to be 18 in two months and I still have to depend on my parents, I still have to ask them for gas money or if I can go somewhere or when I have to be home, I just want to be left alone sometimes but it's impossible with someone looking over your shoulder every two second, whether it be a parent or a sibling. I hate depending on people, I hate asking my parents for money, I rather pay my own bills, have a real job, stay out as late as I want, go whereever I want when I want, I want to be free. I want to not have to depend on my parents for everything and I want to be boyfriendless. I'm too young to practically be married. (No, I'm not engaged, don't get any ideas) I want to flirt with guys, I want to kiss other guys, I want to party and drink and smoke pot. I want to be young and free. Freedom is an american right...only if you are over the age of 21 and not living at home. Personal responsibility people, come on! I also don't want to fight with someone every day. I don't want to feel like I'm letting someone down and no matter what I do, I am. I have three people I have to split my time between and make all of them happy. I can't do it. I can't do what I want to do because I will be making someone upset whether it be my mom, my dad, or Ryan. It always seems that when my mom needs me, Ryan does too. Or both of them get me so busy that I forget to call my dad and I feel so horrible if I do because I love him so much and he loves me so much. He never makes a big deal about my forgeting to call and that just hurts more knowing that he loves me so much and I am such a terrible person. He is always last because of my mom and Ryan. If it wern't for my mom basically having only me and Ryan and me dating, I would be living with my dad. Well also the fact that he lives in Tampa and I hate Tampa. I want to live on my own. I want to move out when I get out of school, but I can't because of my mom. She depends on me so much. She doesn't have anyone else. But I don't think I could deal with her for the rest of my life. I need to get away. I need to be away from her. I'm so weak though. I can't tell her that I want to live on my own after school, I can't tell Ryan that I want to be free. I can't, I'm too weak. Plus I change my mind so much about whether I want to be with Ryan or not. I love him so much and I don't know what I would do without him, but I also just want to be free, I want to get away from everything. Maybe I just need a vacation away from everyone. I need some time alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this, no one cares. I don't have any real friends and most of the time I prefer it that way, but a lot of times, I wish I would have done a lot of things different. Ryan is the closest person to me and I just want to push him away, what is wrong with me? I know that if Ryan and me were to ever break up I couldn't handle being friends with him, I would want him back or I would want him to be alone and never date again. But he is my best friend. Like I said, life sucks. I just needed to vent.