I feel like we haven't just TALKED in a while...

Aug 07, 2011 23:56

Lately I've been getting so annoyed at myself. I'm writing fics I love but I feel like I'm NOT getting anything DONE. It's strange. It's probably the uneasiness accompanied with school starting soon and me not going back *cries at that* this semester.

A lot of people have been getting all personal and emotional about why they write and they seem to be turning to me, expecting some sort of understanding or something and I have to say, it makes me feel uncomfortable sort of.

I don't have some troubled past I'm escaping, I have no deeper truth I'm seeking, and I don't have some newfound confidence that writing gives me. Yes, writing consumes my life, I can't stop even if I wanted to, but it's just something I do. I haven't been writing for years or something like that. I started writing in 2007. I've been writing four years and in that time my writing has improved TREMENDOUSLY and I am proud of it, but at the same time, it makes me uncomfortable because people reach out to me going 'oh, you know how I feel, you have to have been writing your whole life too!' and I haven't. Hell, most of you have been writing SOMETHING, be it in a journal or poetry or whatever long than I've liked to READ! I wasn't BORN with a book in my hands, I hated to read until I was about 12. When I found books that interested me, I read voraciously, putting others in the dust in AR points at school. Then, when I was about 15/16 I discovered livejournal and at first I was sort of horrified by what I found because- hello- those that know me know I was barely getting over being a complete homophobe at that age and I stumble upon Panic At The Disco slash in search of Harry Potter gen. fanfiction (it was a short phase, trust me).

Then, in 2007 I thought 'you know what? I've read all the fic I like, so I think I'll write something I would want to read instead' and there you go, heartsdesire456 is born! I started to branch out and read new bands fanfiction because I had read all I liked in panic!fandom and was bored of people writing such shit so I went into Fall Out Boy, then started writing about them, then it just went on and on from there until eventually I expanded to outside of bandom and all along, I get into a fandom and then decide 'I can write something I would really want to read!' so I do it.

I assume some day I'll grow out of this stuff (though the way it's going, I doubt it, lol) and start REALLY focusing on my dreams of writing a novel, but until then I don't have some greater goal or something. I write plenty of fics NOBODY besides myself wants to read and it doesn't bother me.

It just sort of bothers me that people expect me to have some bigger MEANING behind what I write. It's FICTION! It's entertainment. I'm not the best writer, but so what? I don't have to be, I'm not selling this shit. And the ones who ADORE my writing, I love you guys for it, I do, but mentioning me as someone who 'inspires' you is just sorta lame. There's nothing to be inspired by. I don't work at writing, you know? I don't have the problem I've come to realize a lot of writers do where they 'know what they want but can't get it down' ... no, if I can't write, it's because I can't decide what happens next or what links this to a future event. I don't TRY and write, I don't come up with a plot then force words out. I just get an idea and (with some exceptions) a story plays out in my head and I write down what I see. There is no 'I just can't make it how I want it' for me. There IS or there ISN'T. No in between. I don't see it as something to look up to. I'm not DOING anything special, I'm just typing down my imagination's musings, you know?

Idk, I just feel so awkward and uncomfortable around a lot of the new friends I'm making. I like you guys, sure, but you seem to have some deeper, personal stake in your fandoms and I don't! I love the guys I write about, I really do, and a lot of them are incredible people...

But to me it's just people. I may 'idolize' some of their talents or their ingenuity or innovative skills, but every last one of them is just a person so like... Idk, it's really strange to feel like I'm even the outcast of my INTERNET friends, you know?

And to make this post worth your while:


ricky breitengraser, randomness, macros, kiro, blog

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