You Can't Predict The End, 2

[heartsdesire456]

Part 1

Spencer got to Brendon’s house and just sat there, letting the last of the song play itself out as he tried to fight the memories that he had worked past years ago.

Then the smile had finally faded,
From the apple from their eye.
They were young and independent,
And they thought they had it planned.
Should have known right from the start
You can't predict the end.

Spencer saw it coming. He really did. All during tour, Brendon started to get so… distant. Ryan was still pretty brooding and bitchy, so he and Spencer more often than not ended up the lonely sober people when everybody got to partying. Brent, who had broken up with his girlfriend, used the parties as excuses to get as drunk as possible and hit on every girl in sight. Brendon used his freedom from his parents and his former religion as an excuse to party just as hard as everybody else. Spencer didn’t have a problem with it, he would be curious too if he’d lived eighteen years abstaining from every vice or temptation around. Spencer and Ryan had both spent most of high school drinking at parties so the allure was mostly lost and Spencer mostly wanted to stay pretty much sober to make sure his friends didn’t make idiots of themselves. Ryan was just too worried about Brendon fucking everything up to get into the partying mood.

Spencer started getting upset, however, when Brendon would dance with every girl (and usually every guy) at the party, never refused random kisses (especially from Pete Wentz, who Spencer began to refer to as a kiss whore), and more than once ended up making out with somebody on the dance floor.

Spencer didn’t have a problem with it, it seemed like everybody liked to make out with each other when they were drunk, so it wasn’t anything bad. But it did make him upset when, by the time they got done partying, Brendon was too drunk and partied out to even spend time with him. Spencer never seemed to be allotted time in Brendon’s busy social schedule. They had been together more than a year and, in spite of all their time spent together at home, Brendon seemed to suddenly not care nearly as much about spending time with Spencer than partying.

He tried to tell himself it was the novelty of it all and that Brendon would get it out of his system, but by the end of tour, it was still about the same. On a rare night where they had their own room rather than sharing with Ryan and Brent, Spencer finally got up the courage to talk to Brendon about it.

“Hey, Bren?” he asked, looking across the pillow at Brendon, who was sitting up, watching TV still.

“Huh?” Brendon asked, reaching out absently to grab Spencer’s hand.

Spencer smiled, squeezing his fingers. “Let’s just… talk for a little while, okay?” he said, sitting up some. “I mean, you’re just watching TV right?” he said.

Brendon raised an eyebrow. “Uh, okay?” he tried, flicking the volume down. He slid down, propping on his elbow to face Spencer. “What is it?” he asked.

Spencer shrugged. “I don’t know, I just… I feel like you’re barely here anymore,” he admitted, reaching out to trace his fingertip along the sleeve of Brendon’s tee-shirt.

Brendon smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Spence, what’re you talking about?” he asked, leaning in to kiss Spencer. “Pretty sure I was ‘here’ about three hours ago,” he said and Spencer rolled his eyes, turning his head away when Brendon tried to kiss him again.

“I’m not talking about sex, Brendon, God!” he said in frustration, sitting up to cross his arms across his chest.

“Well what are you talking about, Spencer?” he asked, sitting up to face Spencer, clearly confused. “We’re together all day every day,” he stressed.

Spencer groaned. “No, we’re in each other’s proximity. We’re around each other every day. We’re not together that much at all anymore,” he said, looking at him. “For fucks sake, you spend more time with Pete than you do me, Brendon. And yeah, he’s Pete, he’s awesome and all this shit, but fuck, I’m pretty sure you kiss him more than you do me, too!” he said.

“Spencer, are you mad that I kiss Pete-“

“NO!” Spencer snapped. “I’m mad because you kiss everybody, Brendon. It was funny at first, it was all a joke, ha-fucking-ha, but you never talk to me, you never hang out with just me. ME!” he stressed. “I mean, this is only our first tour, if you’ve shoved me out this far before we’re even famous, maybe my mother is right,” he said, fighting a lump in his throat.

Brendon raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

Spencer sighed. “She warned me. She warned me back in September that we’re too young. She told me right there that you would move on as soon as there was more option than just me,” he said weakly. “I told her she was wrong, I told her we’re in love, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe you would rather fuck all the girls you make out with and hang out with Pete Wentz, and I don’t want to doubt you, but sometimes it feels like I should,” he said.

Brendon just stared. “Spencer, that’s insane, I love you-“

“Do you?” Spencer asked, voice cracking. He cleared his throat. “Do you-“ he sighed. “If I wasn’t here. If you didn’t have a boyfriend to think about, would you?” he asked, looking up. “Would you sleep with them? The ones that keep hanging all over you and making out with you?”

Brendon frowned. “That’s not the point, the point is you are here, Spencer. And not in a ‘I’d get caught way’ but in a ‘I love you and over a year is a commitment’ way.”

“It does matter, Brendon,” Spencer said. “Because the way I see it, it’s only a matter of time before you get too drunk, party too hard, and forget about that commitment and then wake up to realize ‘oh shit, I just cheated on Spencer’, okay?” he said. “I mean… I get it, I guess. You’re eighteen, you’re gonna be famous… I’m just… just the first boy out of many, right?” he said, looking down at his lap.

Brendon just stared. “I… it’s not like that,” he said and Spencer shook his head. “Okay, what, you wasn’t honesty? Okay, yes, I’d be lying to say I wouldn’t sleep with the dozens of hot chicks and hot guys throwing themselves at me if I was a single guy. Who wouldn’t?! But I’m not single. I’m yours, Spencer.” He grabbed Spencer’s hand. “Maybe… okay, maybe I am tempted,” he admitted. “But in the end, I’m yours.”

Spencer looked at him and nodded, leaning in for a kiss. “Okay, but Brendon…” he sighed. “If you cheat on me, if you fuck up… that’s it. I’m gone. I’ll leave the fucking band and everything,” he said and Brendon nodded. He sighed. “If… if it comes to it, just tell me you don’t want me anymore, okay?” Spencer said and Brendon just stared, face going pale. “Don’t cheat on me. Tell me you want somebody else, but don’t cheat on me. I’ll understand that so much more than you being a bastard, okay?” he said. He kissed Brendon tenderly. “I’ll always be your friend, Brendon. If you want me to just be that, just tell me.” They turned off the lights and went to bed, clinging to each other tightly all through the night.

Spencer wasn’t at all surprised, however, when barely two weeks later, Brendon came up to him and asked for the out Spencer offered. Spencer was broken, it hurt, but at least Brendon was honest about it. For a few days, they pretended nothing was wrong. They didn’t sit as close or hold hands like they usually would, but nobody seemed to notice a change. However, the night they all came back from a party and Brendon wasn’t with them, Spencer swapped with Brent in the lobby and took Ryan’s side as they headed to their room. Ryan seemed confused at first, but when Spencer slid to the floor crying as soon as the door shut, he didn’t even ask before sliding to the floor with Spencer, holding him as he cried.

“He left the party with that girl, didn’t he?” Ryan asked and Spencer let out a chocked sob, nodding against his chest. “How the hell could he do that do you?!” he snarled, holding his friend up.

Spencer just shook his head. “I let him,” he whispered, earning a shocked look from Ryan. “I knew it was coming so I told him- I told him he could just tell me if he didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to be cheated on so I told him to just tell me and I’d let him go and he did and I thought- I thought maybe he was just… just confused or-or- but then tonight he just… left with a girl,” he sobbed, shoulders heaving.

Ryan just closed his eyes and held him. “You knew it was coming,” he said, clearly not even questioning. “Fuck, why didn’t you fight? Why did you just… accept this?” he asked, clearly confused.

Spencer just cried weakly. “Because somebody has to be the grown up.”

It had only taken a few weeks after the end of tour, a few weeks of Brendon acting ridiculously guilty, that Spencer caught his elbow on the way past.

“It’s okay,” Spencer said simply. Brendon gave him a deeply apologetic look and Spencer laughed softly. “You are my friend, Brendon. Nothing will change that,” he said.

Brendon just sighed, smiled, and hugged him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Spencer said softly. Broken hearts mended over time, but losing a friend was too much for anybody to bear. Spencer promised him that, no matter what, they would always be in it together.

Before he’d even turned nineteen, Spencer met Haley, a girl more amazing than any girl he’d met before. After all those months of seeing Brendon with other people, accepting that he was happy, wishing for his own happiness, Spencer had finally found his own happiness, and, for all he could tell, Brendon approved. In the end, it was all that mattered.

Spencer finally got out of the car, clutching the lyrics and headed up to the house. He didn’t bother knocking, he just let himself in with his keys. He was meant to be moving in soon, since Shane was nearly done moving out, so he came and went as he wanted usually. He got inside and smiled when Bogart ran up, jumping up. “Hey, not right now, baby,” he said, rubbing behind his ears before continuing down the hall. “Brendon?” he called, looking around.

Brendon came rushing from the bathroom, half-dressed, towel going through his hair. “Fuck, was I that late?!” he asked, looking worried. “I overslept, I’m sorry, really, Spence, I’ll be done fast-“

Spencer just shook his head. “No, you’re not that late,” he said, sighing. “We need to talk,” he said, and Brendon frowned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, walking over, towel slung over his shoulder. “Did something happen with your one-on-one with John?”

Spencer just held up the lyrics, offering them to Brendon. Brendon took them and paled. “Why did you write this?” Spencer asked and Brendon bit his lip, looking up uneasily. “Look, it’s a good song, but it’s too personal, Brendon, I recognized what it is automatically-“

Brendon’s head popped up, eyes comically wide. “WHAT?!” he squeaked, cheeks showing spots of pink.

Spencer frowned. “Uh, yeah, I assumed by your whole reaction just before you realized that…” he trailed off, looking at Brendon curiously.

“Fuck!” Brendon hissed. “God, you weren’t supposed to know, nobody was supposed to know what it’s about, oh my God,” he said, turning to walk into the living room, throwing himself down on the couch. “Fuck, fuck, fuck-“

“Brendon, what the fuck?” Spencer asked. “Uh, did you really think I’d record this song and not figure it out?”

“YES!” Brendon said, voice muffled by the couch cushions. “I thought nobody knew, why would you, how have you not freaked out?!” he asked.

Spencer just blinked. “Brendon… why would I not remember a year of my own life?” he asked, confused. “I mean, it was a long time ago, but it wasn’t THAT long ago. Like… four years,” he said pointedly.

Brendon lifted his head. “Oh… you realized the song parallels our dating year… yes!” he said suddenly, nodding vigorously. “Yes, yes it does. That’s… exactly it,” he said pointedly.

Spencer narrowed his eyes. “Breeendon,” he stared and Brendon sat up quickly.

“No that’s it, totally right, um, gotta get ready to go!” he said, jumping up. He rushed out without another word and Spencer frowned.

Clearly, there was more to it than that. He frowned, trying to remember anything he may have missed, only to freeze as something stood out.

How I miss yesterday!
How'd I let it fade away?

Spencer suddenly felt a surge of anger. He stood up and stalked out. “Wait, I get it!” Spencer said suddenly and he heard Brendon drop something in his room. He shoved open the door and startled Brendon into dropping his other shoe. “The fucking song is about you regretting it, isn’t it?” he asked and Brendon paled, sighing. “No, look, you don’t get to write a song about my life, Brendon,” he said firmly. “You just… you can’t sell my own pathetic teenaged sob story, okay? I get it, it was your life too and sure, you lived it, fine, whatever, but you don’t get to regret something that was my life and sell it in a story,” he snapped. “I would very much like to never think about how stupid I was as a teenager, okay? And like, thinking about your regret sort of brings back all the ‘wow I’m such an idiot’ feelings again so can we just not? Like, can you totally rip that song up and delete the demo off your iPod?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t appreciate you writing a song about how big of a pussy I was. I’d like the world to sorta not know I was once a massive girl, okay-“

“Spencer, the song is not calling you a pussy, good God,” Brendon said in resignation. “Fuck, why is that where you go? Why do you think me writing a song about regretting being a stupid teenager is calling you a stupid teenager? Fuck, you were the only grown-up out of all of us and you were barely eighteen!” he added with a groan.

“I’m not having this conversation!” Spencer said, throwing his hands up. “Fuck, to make it even, why don’t you write another one about how stupid of a young adult I’ve been too while you’re at it? Look at Spencer, he got his heart broken twice out of the TWO relationships he’s ever had, let’s make it an even pair!” he cried, clearly getting worked up and more irrational. “It doesn’t matter that you’re the one the song’s really about, the song mentions me and my stupid little teenaged heart getting crushed, so how about you take your song and shove it,” he said, glaring.

Brendon just shot him a look. “Are you done?” he asked and Spencer’s eyes narrowed to slits. “You know, that’s a look I haven’t received in ages,” he said and Spencer nearly growled. “Look, Spencer, the fucking song is not about you being a stupid teenager! Hell, if anything it’s me pointing blame at myself for making you feel like a stupid teenager,” he said. “Don’t ever forget that I was the one who was stupid, okay-“

Spencer just waved a hand. “Okay, not having this conversation. I can’t. Four years ago is four years ago for a reason.” He turned to walk out. “The past should stay in the past. Just don’t record that song,” he said, walking out of the bedroom.

Brendon groaned. “It’s not about you being stupid, Spencer!” he called. “Fuck, you’re my best friend, why would I write a song about my stupid teenaged decisions hurting you and infer you are stupid?” he asked, following him.

Spencer turned back. “Then what is it about, Brendon?” he asked, taking a few calming breaths. “Fuck, see? I’m overreacting because of this shit,” he said, shaking his head. “What could it possibly be about? Even if you don’t mean to reference me, I was still a part of it. And your old regrets may make a good song but it makes me look stupid for falling for it in the first place, no matter what your intentions with the song-“

Brendon snapped. “Who the fuck said I’m writing about past regrets, Spencer?!” he cried, and then paled, covering his mouth quickly.

Spencer frowned. “What do you mean? It was four years ago,” he pointed out. “And I’m sorry I shouted, but fuck, Brendon, can we just put this song away and not think about that year ever again-“

Brendon snorted. “Yeah, great plan, bitch at me for a song I wrote, finally one that’s real and then just pretend nothing ever happened. Good job, Spencer, very mature!” he mocked, giving him a thumbs up. “That stuff about being the grown up was probably said a bit soon-“

“Oh fuck you, Brendon,” Spencer said. “I’m done being the grown up. I’ve always been the adult. I’m sick of it! I was always the responsible one. I was the fucking responsible one most of my life and I’m done. I’m so done. For once, I get to be the twenty-two year old kid I am and you know what? You try it!” he suggested. “You try and be the adult for a little while. See how much it sucks! It sucks, Brendon! I thought getting rid of the biggest children of the three of you would make my life easier, but you- fuck, Brendon YOU!” he stressed. “You’re supposed to be easier to deal with. You’re supposed to be more responsible and easier to deal with.”

Brendon snorted. “I am! Fuck, what, did you forget the half a record we’ve already recorded without hardly any arguments? I have worked with you, I’ve been responsible, I’ve been a grown up too, because when it’s just me and you, everything is easier to work on. I am easier to deal with and you know it! One song disagreement and you just… you unleash everything you never said, Spencer-“

Spencer laughed humorlessly. “Finally caught on, huh?” he asked, then groaned, leaning against the wall. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m doing this now. I just… I’m so sick of it! I’m the youngest person you really know and I’ve always been the grown up where responsibility is involved and I’m so tired of it, Brendon. I’m sick of being a grown up,” he admitted. “I’m not a grown up, I’m only twenty-two!” he said weakly. “And fuck, I found that you had left that and I read it and John was all ‘oh this is good!’ and I was just so fucking… pissed,” he admitted. “And the way here I just kept going through everything and I’m just in a bad mood and shit, I’m sorry I keep shouting and I’m sorry I’m being such a bitch,” he said, rubbing his hands over his face. “I just… it’s too early in the day to handle all of this.”

Brendon sighed, ducking his head. “Spencer… please, don’t freak out, okay?” he said.

“How can I not, Brendon?” Spencer asked, letting his head tip back against the wall. “I have successfully compartmentalized my thoughts and memories and emotions for the past four years to completely block out the fact my best friend was the first person to ever break my heart and poof! One song and all my careful organization is gone. I managed to not think about that ever for four years, Brendon. I am not built to think about the past at all-“

“It’s not the past,” Brendon admitted. “It’s just facts. You can’t just- nobody can just forget stuff-“

“I do,” Spencer said. “Or at least I just… don’t think about them. Fuck, Haley only left me two months ago and until my little freak out just now, I’ve managed to completely not think about her at all in at least a month and a half.” He looked up. “If it only took me six weeks to forget somebody I was with for nearly four years, do you really think I’ve thought a minute about the first person to leave me, Brendon?” he asked pointedly.

Brendon shook his head. “No wonder you freaked out,” he said and Spencer raised an eye brow. “Spencer, do you know how long the longest I ever went not thinking about the way things were back then?” he asked and Spencer shook his head. “About a month or two,” he said and Spencer raised his eyebrow even higher. “I don’t know how you can ignore something like that. I mean… fuck, I’m the one that left you and about the only long length of time I don’t wonder what I was thinking is the rare occasion I have an actual girlfriend for a while,” he said.

“Why?” Spencer asked. “It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, well I guess it could be, but in the end I was just a naïve teenager in love and really, other than me, I’m pretty sure every teenage boy in the world would’ve done the exact same thing you did. I never blamed you or anything, it just sucks to have to remember being dumped,” he said honestly.

Brendon shot him a look. “Really?” he asked skeptically. “Spencer, come on, be a human being for once,” he said and Spencer’s jaw dropped.

“Excuse me?!” he asked in shock. “What the fu-“

Brendon crossed his arms, facing Spencer. “Having to think about that brings the reaction ‘it just sucks to have to remember being dumped’? You are so cold you’re able to ‘compartmentalize and forget’ shit like that?!” Brendon shook his head, squaring his shoulders. “Yes, you were a naïve teenager in love… because you were supposed to be, Spencer. That’s what you’re meant to be when you’re eighteen and in love for the first time!” he stressed. “And you can’t honestly tell me you just ‘got over it’ and ‘never blamed me’… fuck, when I got over the ‘holy shit I’m like a rock star or something’ and realized that I had left the love of my life, I blamed myself, Spencer! Fuck, you can’t honestly say you never hated me when I hated myself for ruining the best thing I had ever had! But sure, I got over it and shit. By the time I realized how stupid I was you were with Haley so it was like, whatever, right?” he said, then shook his head. “But you can’t just… be okay with shit like that. You don’t get over that,” he said, shaking his head.

“I had to,” Spencer stressed. “I was the responsible person in the band. I broke down one time and after I pulled myself back together, I just… shut it off. I shut off every part that hurt and everything that wanted to point blame and shit. I just shut it off. It’s how I cut Brent out. It’s how I handled Ryan turning into a douche bag-“

“Turning into,” Brendon grumbled, rolling his eyes. Spencer glared. “Okay, but really, how do you do that stuff, Spencer? You honestly only broke down once time?! I fucking left you for sex and you only broke down once?” he asked skeptically.

Spencer nodded. “The first night you went home with a girl I cried, Ryan offered to kill you, I told him he didn’t need to, and the next day it was done. Everything. You were just my friend, nothing else and I was fine with it. Have been every day since then,” he said honestly.

Brendon just stared. “Seriously?!” he asked and Spencer nodded. “God, you really aren’t human,” he said, shaking his head.

Spencer sighed. “I’m human, Brendon, I just learned fast that this is a tough business. Emotions have no purpose when you’re professional and I’m always professional.”

Brendon just nodded. “And you realize music is an emotional profession, right?” he asked. “Spencer, you have a heart. You have feelings. Why do you shut them up?” he asked curiously. “I just don’t understand why you would do that-“

Spencer rolled his eyes. “Brendon, we don’t have to talk about this-“

“Yes we do, Spencer,” Brendon said. “Because if you actually used your heart sometimes you would realize the song is not recounting old regrets,” he said harshly. “This song is not about old hurts, Spencer. This song is- it’s my feelings in words.”

Spencer shook his head. “Fine, what? First you seem freaked out I found the song and realized what it was about and now you’re suddenly eager to have me ‘use my emotions’ or some shit-“

Brendon glared. “Tell me something, Spencer,” he started, clearly frustrated. “Why did Haley leave you?” he asked and Spencer froze, eyes darkening. “Oh, struck a nerve, huh?” he asked and Spencer cringed.

“Brendon, pissing me off is not the way to make me show emotion-“

“She left you,” he continued. “Because you are cold,” he said. “You are cold and you shut your emotions out-“

“I SHOULD’VE LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES!” Spencer shouted, startling Brendon. “Fuck, okay, fine, she cheated on me, okay? You happy now?” he asked darkly. “I shut out my emotions and block off my heart because I don’t ever want to feel useless again,” he said honestly. “I shut everything out because I am lock-tight. I’m a damn good drummer, I’m a damn responsible person, and I’m not going to fuck up over my damn heart,” he said harshly. “A broken heart sucks, Brendon. It sucks! If I wasn’t so good at blocking off that part of my emotions fast, I would still be dying on the inside because the girl I gave four years of nothing but love and devotion to didn’t need me anymore,” he said, then bit his lip. “Just like you, if you want me to be honest,” he said. “If I hadn’t shut up the part that was heartbroken and depressed, there’s no way I’d have been able to stay friends with you. You still needed your friend, you just didn’t need the boyfriend. If I wasn’t so rational and understanding, do you really think we’d have made it this far?” he asked.

Brendon sighed. “No,” he admitted. “You’re right, okay? Maybe if you weren’t so rational and maybe if you didn’t shut off parts of yourself, we probably wouldn’t,” he allowed. “But it’s still sad,” he said honestly. “How have I never noticed you shutting down and reorganizing your feelings?” he asked.

Spencer shrugged. “I’m good at it. And it’s not like I’m heartless, I just… keep myself strong.”

Brendon just shook his head. “You don’t have to be strong all the time, Spence,” he said sadly. He sighed. “Fuck, why am I doing this?” he asked, then faced him. “Do you want to know what the song is really about?” he asked, looking nervous.

Spencer sighed. “Honest, I don’t know. Chances are I’ll end up blindsided again and overreact again. We’ve really got to record today so we should probably just… cool down and get our heads straight. We’ve got a lot of work to do-“

“For fucks sake, Spencer!” Brendon groaned. “Stop being responsible! Hell, you never argue with anybody ever and the one time I piss you off bad enough to get in a fight, you constantly try and back down and cool off!” he said. He walked over to Spencer, standing in front of him. “The song,” he started.

“Brendon, it’s not important-“

“Is about the fact I never stopped loving you!” he all but shouted, face full of determination. Spencer just stared, eyes going wide. “For fucks sake, I wrote a song I didn’t think anybody would understand. I didn’t think you would understand it. When you came here all upset over it, I was all ‘oh fuck he knows’ and then you just… start on insanely self-depreciating stuff and nothing in that song is putting you down. Nobody could ever convince me you’re less than perfect, Spencer!” he cried. “You always have been basically the most amazing person ever. You may have been only my friend for most of the years I’ve known you, but you’ve always been my best friend,” he stressed. “Because nobody else is like you. Nobody else is so- so strong and so honest and so talented and- and I love you,” he admitted. “I never wanted you to know, but honestly right now, I’m willing to confess everything in the world to you just to get you to react and not fucking compartmentalize-“

“What do you mean?” Spencer asked, clearly in shock.

Brendon shrugged, looking up into his wide, shocked eyes. “I fell in love with you after a short time knowing you, Spencer. I fucked up later on, I had the love of my life and I fucked it up because I was a dumb teenager. I hurt the one person who I loved most because I wanted to be a ‘rock star’ or whatever. And you never stopped being there,” he said, shaking his head. “You put up with my shit, you put up with Ryan’s shit… you just… do you really think being the youngest and being great friends is all that made it easy for you to keep me out of the trouble I kept getting into?” he asked honestly. “I let you keep me in line because I trusted you more than anything. I still do. I love you just as much now as I ever did at eighteen and I know it’s pointless, I tried not to, I’ve always been content with just being your friend, but the point of it is, as long as I have you with me, I can do anything, Spencer. The song-“ he took a breath. “The song was written one night while I was here and Shane wasn’t and you weren’t here and I just… I was thinking about how much I fucked up at eighteen. I had the best thing I ever will have and I gave it away and the song just happened.” He held up his hands. “React. Hit me. Cry, just do SOMETHING other than shut that information away-“

Spencer did something. He grabbed Brendon, shoving him against the opposite wall, crushing their lips together nearly painfully. Brendon gasped, clutching at Spencer’s arms as Spencer kissed him harshly. He moaned, panting when Spencer broke the kiss to breathe. “Spence.”

“Do you really think I stuck by, looking after your annoying ass out of fucking sympathy?” Spencer asked weakly. Brendon just chuckled, looking up, only to be shocked as he saw tears in Spencer’s eyes.

“Spencer,” he whispered, tilting his head up to kiss him again, sliding his hands to cup Spencer’s face, swiping away the tears his long eyelashes splashed onto his freckled cheeks. “It was always you,” he breathed, pressing his nose against Spencer’s.

Spencer just let out a broken sob. “Do you really think I actually believed the bullshit I tried to make my brain accept?” he asked weakly.

Brendon smiled sadly. “I hoped you didn’t,” he admitted, pulling Spencer into a full hug, curling his fingers into the hair at the back of Spencer’s head. “I was getting worried there that I had turned you into some like… heartless shell-person,” he said, stroking his fingers through Spencer’s hair as he clung to Brendon, shaking slightly.

Spencer let out a pitiful sound. “I don’t do emotions. I don’t,” he cried, shaking weakly. “Emotions are for- for weak people and- and they hurt and I don’t want to hurt, and I don’t-“

Brendon shook his head, shushing Spencer as he held him. “Don’t say that, Spence. You’re not weak. Emotions just happen. It doesn’t make you weak to hurt. Everybody hurts-“

“If you start singing that song, I’ll kick you,” Spencer warned wetly. Brendon just smiled, holding him closer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spencer, it turned out, had really been doing his job at repressing. Nearly half an hour since he first started crying, he was still going. Brendon had led him into his room and laid on the bed with him, curling up to let him get it all out, only to find that Spencer seemed to have a lot built up. Every time he seemed to be through crying, he’d say something and then start crying again.

Brendon just lay beside him, arm around his waist dutifully. “Spencer, you’re not weak,” he said, stroking his back soothingly.

“I can’t stop- stop crying,” Spencer whispered hoarsely.

Brendon smiled. “Dude, you just told me earlier you’ve been shutting up everything that hurts for years! Do you think I would be alive still if I’d shut up everything that’s hurt me?” he asked. “I’d have exploded long ago.”

Spencer laughed wetly, eyes puffy and red as he looked up at Brendon. “Thanks for putting up with me being a pussy,” he said.

Brendon rolled his eyes. “You sat up with me all night once because Jon convinced me I should drop acid and I thought my toes were trying to kill me… I think laying with you and letting you cry after I did everything I could to make you cry is nothing,” he said and Spencer giggled wetly, biting on his fingernail.

“Yeah, that was fucked up,” he said, smiling. “Maybe I needed this. Maybe I need to like… stop being so callus,” he admitted.

Brendon shook his head. “You can be strong without being cold, Spencer. You’re the most amazing person I’ve met and there’s no reason for you to hide that. Your strongest part of you, is your heart, Spencer Smith,” he said, smiling at him.

Spencer just sniffled. “Fuck you, ‘the strongest part of you is your heart’? Really?” he asked, giggling wetly. “Come on, you can do better than-“ Brendon shut him up with a small kiss. Spencer sighed when he stopped. “Why have you loved me all this time?” he asked curiously. “That was years ago. You’ve had girlfriends, I had Haley… it’s not like you got lonely or some shit.”

Brendon groaned. “Spencer, why can’t you believe people love you? For fucks sake, what part of ‘Spencer Smith is fucking awesome’ don’t you get? You’re like… the most awesome of awesome and you’re beautiful and I’ve been okay loving you from a distance, because you were really happy with Haley, and I was fine with just being your friend, but you just… I can’t stand you being so cold and cut off from the world knowing I did that. You were so open and affectionate and amazing to me and I was just… greedy. I wanted to be a slut more than I wanted my boyfriend and I didn’t deserve you anyways,” he said honestly. “And though everything, no matter how bad I hurt you, you never resented me for it,” he said, kissing him softly.

Spencer sighed. “I didn’t resent you because I loved you, Brendon. No matter what, you were there first. You were the first person I ever felt that way for. I don’t think I ever admitted it to you, but you were the first person I ever had sex with too. You just don’t forget your first and you really, really don’t forget your first love. And you just… meant too much to me to let you not loving me anymore make me hate you,” he admitted. “I got over you, but I never stopped loving you, Brendon. How could I?” he asked. “It’s always really been just us. We’ve been in this together from the start, me and you.”

Brendon sighed. “No matter what, it’s always going to just be me and you, Spence. I couldn’t live any other way.”

Spencer smiled, sniffling as he rolled onto his back, wiping at his eyes. “Fuck,” he said, letting his arms fall back over his head. “We were meant to record today.”

Brendon wiggled over, laying his head on Spencer’s arm, curling an arm around his waist. “Fuck ‘em,” he said, earning a laugh from Spencer. “Emergency Spencer-vention.”

Spencer groaned. “Oh God, no, you are too lame,” he said, poking him in the head.

Brendon reached up and curled his fingers in Spencer’s hair, turning his face so Brendon could look at him. “Spencer,” he said softly, stroking a finger down his jaw. “No matter what, I’m always here for you, you know that, right? You can be weak around me. You’re my best friend, dude.”

Spencer sighed and nodded. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asked and Brendon nodded, curling along Spencer’s side. “The only reason I ever let you go when we were dating is because I didn’t want to lose you altogether. I wanted you in my life more than I wanted you to love me,” he admitted weakly. “I’ve never told anybody that because it makes me sound like a pussy.”

Brendon sighed. “For fucks sake, you’re Spencer Smith. Haven’t you heard all the stuff the fans say? Like… your beard makes lumberjacks look like sissies, or your sexy drummer arms could break steel bars and shit?” he asked. “You are the manliest of men, Spencer Smith, you can’t be a pussy,” he said pointedly, smiling at him.

Spencer just looked at his eyes. “I’m pretty sure I’m still just as in love with you as I ever was,” he said softly. Brendon just smiled widely, blushing as he turned his face into Spencer’s shoulder.

“Spencer,” he said, biting his lip nervously. “What do you want?” he asked simply. He looked up, sliding his fingers through Spencer’s soft hair. “Whatever you want from me, you can have it.”

Spencer just sighed. “For now, I just want… honesty,” he said with a shrug. “Maybe we could get together, maybe we should stay friends, but for now I want to get this album recorded and for us to maybe just… stop keeping secrets like this,” he said, looking at him. “Maybe you’re right, maybe I have been shutting myself off and maybe I should be more honest with myself, so I think… we should do this. Just… work together and be honest with each other and let whatever happens, happen,” he said. “I’ve got to stop holding back and you have to stop hiding.”

Brendon smiled. “As long as I can kiss you now,” he agreed, then leaned in, kissing Spencer sweetly. Spencer grabbed his hand and held it, humming against Brendon’s lips.

“Wanna know a secret?” he asked after a few moments kissing.

Brendon nodded. “Sure.”

Spencer smiled a playful smile that Brendon recognized immediately. “Your lips are still the most amazing thing ever,” he admitted and Brendon beamed.

“Your eyes are still the prettiest,” he countered, curling along Spencer’s side.

Later, when John called, worried about them not showing up, they just let it go to voicemail.