*random musing*
I feel so out of place all the time. Like... the things I want to do in my life clash with the things I care about.
EXAMPLE! I KNOW that eventually (ie fall of 2013) I'm going to have to move away to some other college far away from my hometown (okay, a college in Atlanta, which is 2 and a half hours away, but whatever) and I HATE it. I am determined to do the things I want to do (ie not end up working at A)a cash register, B)a restaurant, C)an office cubicle) and I am SO ready to study something I'm ACTUALLY interested in (I'm an English major for the sole purpose of THINKING I'd enjoy it because I love writing... and then discovering I HATE English with a PASSION but I'm nearly done so why not add on a second major and finish in 2 years with 2 degrees?) BUT...
I DONT want to leave. Like... I have the mindset of the kind of person who wants to see EVERYWHERE and do EVERYTHING but always come home... but I live in a town where I'll never amount to anything other than a fucking bank-teller or the manager of an Arbys AT BEST if I stay here.
Half the reason I went to a local college (apart from having no money... which I still have none cause after 2 years of college I STILL haven't managed to get a job thank you very much economy!)was to put off going away. I figured if I put it off it'll get easier to imagine leaving on the horizon, but the truth of the matter is it's NOT!
I have a small but CLOSE family. My paternal family anyways. My aunt lived at home until she got married at nearly 30, THEN she moved about 15 minutes away and THEN 8 years after that, they moved into a house two doors down from my grandparents. My dad! He got married at 19 to my mom, they lived for ONE year down the road and then his granddaddy died so they moved into the house next door to my grandparents. I lived in that house until I was 18 and we lost it to foreclosure and then we moved to town for a year and a half and then we moved back out to the country where we're now 5 minutes from my grandparents house... everybody besides me and my mom DESPISED living 15 minutes away from my grandparents and my aunt/uncle/cousin's houses...
And ngl, I don't see them every other day like the rest of my family (they spend every other afternoon at Nana and Pa's house) but the fact of the matter is, I DON'T want to leave my family.
My brother and sisters are 10, 10, and 7... sure they're annoying 90% of the time but how the fuck am I supposed to move away and not be around for them growing up? And my DAD, oh my God. He tries his hardest EVERY time I talk about a career or college to get me to be a pharamacist so I can live at home forever and get paid a lot to work in an office. And it is a good plan (other than the fact Id never afford the college it takes to become a pharamacist) but I dont WANT that life.
I have the dreams of a 'get out of this place and never look back' kind of person but with the heart of an "I love my home and family" kind of person and the closer I get to having to choose it FUCKS. ME. UP!
My dad would literally prefer if I NEVER moved out. All his buddies joke about 'man, when mine is 18 they're getting a job and moving OUT! haha' and my dad is all 'fuck that, mine can stay forever' and he HONESTLY means it.
And my mom says all the time about how scared my dad is that, if I leave, I'll never come back and I've told her 'well, yeah, if I move to Atlanta I probably WON'T ever really come back for more than visits' and it freaks her out too.
And Idk, I'm just being weird cause my friend on twitter is talking about moving into his dorm in the fall and all this shit and how excited he is to move away from home and shit...
and I DON'T want to. I can't really wrap my head around how somebody can WANT to leave their family (unless your family sucks ass or something) and their home.
Idk, ignore me ;)
EXAMPLE! I KNOW that eventually (ie fall of 2013) I'm going to have to move away to some other college far away from my hometown (okay, a college in Atlanta, which is 2 and a half hours away, but whatever) and I HATE it. I am determined to do the things I want to do (ie not end up working at A)a cash register, B)a restaurant, C)an office cubicle) and I am SO ready to study something I'm ACTUALLY interested in (I'm an English major for the sole purpose of THINKING I'd enjoy it because I love writing... and then discovering I HATE English with a PASSION but I'm nearly done so why not add on a second major and finish in 2 years with 2 degrees?) BUT...
I DONT want to leave. Like... I have the mindset of the kind of person who wants to see EVERYWHERE and do EVERYTHING but always come home... but I live in a town where I'll never amount to anything other than a fucking bank-teller or the manager of an Arbys AT BEST if I stay here.
Half the reason I went to a local college (apart from having no money... which I still have none cause after 2 years of college I STILL haven't managed to get a job thank you very much economy!)was to put off going away. I figured if I put it off it'll get easier to imagine leaving on the horizon, but the truth of the matter is it's NOT!
I have a small but CLOSE family. My paternal family anyways. My aunt lived at home until she got married at nearly 30, THEN she moved about 15 minutes away and THEN 8 years after that, they moved into a house two doors down from my grandparents. My dad! He got married at 19 to my mom, they lived for ONE year down the road and then his granddaddy died so they moved into the house next door to my grandparents. I lived in that house until I was 18 and we lost it to foreclosure and then we moved to town for a year and a half and then we moved back out to the country where we're now 5 minutes from my grandparents house... everybody besides me and my mom DESPISED living 15 minutes away from my grandparents and my aunt/uncle/cousin's houses...
And ngl, I don't see them every other day like the rest of my family (they spend every other afternoon at Nana and Pa's house) but the fact of the matter is, I DON'T want to leave my family.
My brother and sisters are 10, 10, and 7... sure they're annoying 90% of the time but how the fuck am I supposed to move away and not be around for them growing up? And my DAD, oh my God. He tries his hardest EVERY time I talk about a career or college to get me to be a pharamacist so I can live at home forever and get paid a lot to work in an office. And it is a good plan (other than the fact Id never afford the college it takes to become a pharamacist) but I dont WANT that life.
I have the dreams of a 'get out of this place and never look back' kind of person but with the heart of an "I love my home and family" kind of person and the closer I get to having to choose it FUCKS. ME. UP!
My dad would literally prefer if I NEVER moved out. All his buddies joke about 'man, when mine is 18 they're getting a job and moving OUT! haha' and my dad is all 'fuck that, mine can stay forever' and he HONESTLY means it.
And my mom says all the time about how scared my dad is that, if I leave, I'll never come back and I've told her 'well, yeah, if I move to Atlanta I probably WON'T ever really come back for more than visits' and it freaks her out too.
And Idk, I'm just being weird cause my friend on twitter is talking about moving into his dorm in the fall and all this shit and how excited he is to move away from home and shit...
and I DON'T want to. I can't really wrap my head around how somebody can WANT to leave their family (unless your family sucks ass or something) and their home.
Idk, ignore me ;)