Midnight ramblings part un!
Since I lost internet last fall, I've had a lot of you added. Those of you who haven't witnessed my midnight ramblings and philosophical garbledegook, get used to all this posting I've been doing lately. This is how I am when I've got the world at my fingertips all the time.
And I've been listening to a really slow, melancholy guitar demo.
It's probably what has me in this mood but, once again, I'm in my 'artist without a medium' mindset.
Which is stupid from the point of view as my writing as art... but to me, though I can't say it's not ART, I don't feel like MY writing is art. Some people get offended when I say writing isn't art. Someone once said "art can have no purpose other than itself"... or something like that... and my stuff has purpose, you know? Maybe it's only to entertain but I see it from an almost depressing side:
Writing is about the only thing I'm good at.
And I'm not that great at it. I know I write well and have an AMAZING mind for stories and plots. I have a brilliant imagination that can develop anything out of the tiniest seed of inspiration. I love that... but when it comes to expressing it, I fail to present it the way my favorite writers on LJ do. I'm not good at remembering my favorite authors names but a few of the best writers are people like bexless and icedmaple and reni-days or silver-etoile. And I'm definately not any of them. And my two most recent favorite authors are just amazing. sunsetmog and moodwriter are my latest addictions and they are like... the epitome of amazing writers.
And I can't write like them. It kills me inside sometimes that I devote so much of my time to writing. And I turn fics out so fast that people who hear me complain about my style suggest 'slow down' but the thing is I can't. I don't like... outline a plot to way I do a paper and fill it in. I start a fic usually with ONE idea or one scene or one line or even one word in mind and just start writing. Sometimes I write up to that point. Sometimes I start with only a beginning... and I just write. I don't plan it, I don't think, I just let the words flow from nowhere to my fingers and give them the birth of existence without my permission, almost. And I've tried to be better. I have noticed a progression since I've started (Oh God have I) but honestly, that has more to do with the fact I stated at 16 long before I had read TRUELY good fic.
Some of the most famous stories in bandom I read at the time and thought they were the best thing ever and then, years later, I reread them and go '... this is boring crap...' and it's basically how I look at my old stuff too.
And I have the heart of an artist. I feel things in ways only artists can. Other artists know what I mean and those who aren't artists at heart can't possibly know what I mean. Not really. With the depth and feeling an artist has, they feel differently. To an artist, they don't just write a story. They get to know the characters, they fall in love with their personalities and feel almost as if they're you're friends... or your children, almost. Each and every character I write, good or bad, is with me forever. Off the top of my head, I can feel physical pain in my heart for Casey and Davey in "I Know The World's A Broken Bone" when they found out they had a false positive and they might never have children. I get a lump in my throat thinking about Billie's pain and guilt in "Welcome To Dancing Apache Ranch" when he had to admit to Bob he wasn't actually a woman because he loved him too much to lie. And I can still, to this day, feel so much joy and happiness and overwhelming warmth to the point of bursting when I think of the way Brendon changes Ryan forever in "If I Never Knew You" and how beautiful that story is.
And yet on top of it all I can't help but feel like I let all of those characters down by writing any less than the best ever. It makes me feel like I'm betraying these characters, these people that exist only in my thoughts and imagination, by being a sub-par writer.
.... Meh, I'm just being all pouty and philosophical tonight... its 4:30am and I've read 4 bitter-sweet endings in a row and then listened to that song about 10 times in a row... that's probably my problem.
... I should go watch a comedy or something *shrug*
And I've been listening to a really slow, melancholy guitar demo.
It's probably what has me in this mood but, once again, I'm in my 'artist without a medium' mindset.
Which is stupid from the point of view as my writing as art... but to me, though I can't say it's not ART, I don't feel like MY writing is art. Some people get offended when I say writing isn't art. Someone once said "art can have no purpose other than itself"... or something like that... and my stuff has purpose, you know? Maybe it's only to entertain but I see it from an almost depressing side:
Writing is about the only thing I'm good at.
And I'm not that great at it. I know I write well and have an AMAZING mind for stories and plots. I have a brilliant imagination that can develop anything out of the tiniest seed of inspiration. I love that... but when it comes to expressing it, I fail to present it the way my favorite writers on LJ do. I'm not good at remembering my favorite authors names but a few of the best writers are people like bexless and icedmaple and reni-days or silver-etoile. And I'm definately not any of them. And my two most recent favorite authors are just amazing. sunsetmog and moodwriter are my latest addictions and they are like... the epitome of amazing writers.
And I can't write like them. It kills me inside sometimes that I devote so much of my time to writing. And I turn fics out so fast that people who hear me complain about my style suggest 'slow down' but the thing is I can't. I don't like... outline a plot to way I do a paper and fill it in. I start a fic usually with ONE idea or one scene or one line or even one word in mind and just start writing. Sometimes I write up to that point. Sometimes I start with only a beginning... and I just write. I don't plan it, I don't think, I just let the words flow from nowhere to my fingers and give them the birth of existence without my permission, almost. And I've tried to be better. I have noticed a progression since I've started (Oh God have I) but honestly, that has more to do with the fact I stated at 16 long before I had read TRUELY good fic.
Some of the most famous stories in bandom I read at the time and thought they were the best thing ever and then, years later, I reread them and go '... this is boring crap...' and it's basically how I look at my old stuff too.
And I have the heart of an artist. I feel things in ways only artists can. Other artists know what I mean and those who aren't artists at heart can't possibly know what I mean. Not really. With the depth and feeling an artist has, they feel differently. To an artist, they don't just write a story. They get to know the characters, they fall in love with their personalities and feel almost as if they're you're friends... or your children, almost. Each and every character I write, good or bad, is with me forever. Off the top of my head, I can feel physical pain in my heart for Casey and Davey in "I Know The World's A Broken Bone" when they found out they had a false positive and they might never have children. I get a lump in my throat thinking about Billie's pain and guilt in "Welcome To Dancing Apache Ranch" when he had to admit to Bob he wasn't actually a woman because he loved him too much to lie. And I can still, to this day, feel so much joy and happiness and overwhelming warmth to the point of bursting when I think of the way Brendon changes Ryan forever in "If I Never Knew You" and how beautiful that story is.
And yet on top of it all I can't help but feel like I let all of those characters down by writing any less than the best ever. It makes me feel like I'm betraying these characters, these people that exist only in my thoughts and imagination, by being a sub-par writer.
.... Meh, I'm just being all pouty and philosophical tonight... its 4:30am and I've read 4 bitter-sweet endings in a row and then listened to that song about 10 times in a row... that's probably my problem.
... I should go watch a comedy or something *shrug*