Fic: Unthinkable (Reaction to 4x04)
Media: Fic
Title: Unthinkable
Rating: PG
Word Count: 606
Spoilers: Through 4x04
Summary: On the flight to NYC, Blaine works through all his guilt and anxiety.
Note: I was just devastated by 4x04 and I had to get into Blaine’s head and understand the emotional turmoil he went through before arriving in NYC.
Blaine cries through the whole flight to New York. Silently. Though his tears don’t disturb the other passengers, as he wipes them one by one from his eyes, he’s glad no one came to claim the adjoining seat.
He’s done the unthinkable, and yet it consumes his thoughts.
He’s a cheater - a lousy, no good, despicable cheating, cheater. He replays the moment over and over again and though he is painfully aware of his agency in it, it feels so foreign to him. It’s as if he’s watching someone else’s life. Never in a million years did he think he could ever do this to Kurt.
He’s betrayed the only person who truly matters to him.
It was just that every call to Kurt over the last few weeks went straight to voicemail or was short, stilted and awkward. He absolutely understood Kurt’s exciting new life, and how important it was for him to experience everything New York had to offer. God, he really did. But that didn’t ease the sting of blatantly ignored calls, unreturned voicemails and, perhaps worst of all, conversations where Kurt wasn’t listening to a single word he said. It didn’t soothe the longing to be held and to hold nor did it erase the pain of so many conspicuously dropped “I love you’s”
It - the thing he would come to refer to as the worst decision of his life - had all happened in the blink of an eye, as a temporal reaction to the attention being paid to him. Besides performing, there were very few things as thrilling to Blaine as being called ‘sexy’ again and none more intoxicating than being wanted by someone.
The regret was immediate and the fulfillment non-existent. It was wrong, it was just so wrong. Eli was cute and funny and there - but fuck - he wasn’t Kurt. His touches had no emotion to support them and his words were hollow shells.
He peers out the window; the plane is now far above the clouds. He sighs. What else could he have expected from a hookup?
But now there’s just this pain in the pit of his stomach. It hurts so incredibly bad, and it hasn’t even been there a full day before he rushes to the airport and buys a plane ticket because he can’t live with the guilt and the shame. He can’t live with what he’s done.
He is so incredibly in love with Kurt - and he always will be - and that’s why he absolutely has to see Kurt. Now. He has to tell him in person. Face-to-face. After what he’s done, he owes him that much. Even if, by telling him, he’ll undoubtedly shatter his boyfriend’s heart into a million pieces.
He’s so incredibly, genuinely sorry for his thoughts and his actions, but he can’t undo them. He can’t un-share the parts of himself that he shared with a meaningless, almost complete stranger. In fact, the only thing he can think to do, for his sake and for the sake of the amazing love he truly believes they have, is to throw himself on the mercy of the court.
On his way to find an airport cab, he buys the biggest bunch of roses he can find at a gift shop.
He doesn’t have to pretend to smile when he sees Kurt open the door to his loft, but no matter how hard he tries, that smile is tinged with sadness.
It doesn’t take long for Kurt to notice. When he does, all Blaine can do is pray that Kurt can forgive him. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday.