mcfly-slash ... Keep me a Secret
good gracious, is that to believe?
i'm posting a story!
miracles do happen, don't they?
yeah, sorry i have been away for absolute ages. i've been kidnapped, you know. by my job. i'm barely home these days, let alone have time to be creative.
still, in the approximately 20 hours i have to myself each week, i managed to write something.
wanna read it?
Title: Keep me a Secret
Author: me
Rating: PG13
Chapter: 1/1 … Standalone
Genre: AU - Drama, Angst, Self-analysis
Pairing: PoynterJudd
Summary: Falling in love was a stupid idea. A really stupid idea.
Word count: 8,835
Disclaimer: Naaaaaaah! Don’t believe me.
Dedication: Everyone who missed me!
Author’s note: So yes, here I am again. I was on a bit of a hiatus. Not that I wanted to be though. But work sucked all my strength and energy out of me and I'm actually happy that I even had time and strength for this piece. It means a lot to me and it took me two months on the dot to finish it. So I only hope and pray that you lot like it.
Also, I think I remember that there once was a song with the same title by Ainslie Henderson (does anyone actually remember 'Fame Academy'?) but the song has nothing to do with the story.
Falling in love was a stupid idea. A really stupid idea.
Yes, there you have it, I told you. Straightforward. Blunt. In.Your.Face. That’s just me, you know. I’m what some would call brutally honest. I don’t wait for right times to tell something uncomfortable, I just say it when it needs to be said. I’m not one to drag around secrets with me. All in all, I don’t even like secrets that much.
But that was until it happened. Until this little thing called love came along.
I hadn’t meant for it to happen. Honestly, I didn’t. Love and me did not match. The only thing love and me had in common was that we both had the tendency to be a pain in the arse. So I simply refused to fall in love. Crushes, okay. Little affairs or one-night-stands, nothing wrong in that. But I never let anyone get closer to me than they could get in one night of shagging. Hell, I wouldn’t even get any of the one-nighters into my flat, nevermind into my heart.
For years and years I had no secrets and refused to fall in love. And it had worked perfectly. All my life, actually.
Until I met him. Harry.
I wasn’t in love with him. At first. Love just decided to butt in on me. And once it was there, it just didn’t go away. And it also brought me the biggest secret of my life.
Harry and I met on a party. I like to socialise - though my friends call it ‘shameless flirting’ - and when I saw him standing on his own in a corner I grabbed two bottles of beer - one for me and one for him - and went over to him.
We got on really quickly. We had a lot of things in common, were about the same age, him being two years older than me. We could talk for hours about literally everything. He was an outgoing, fun-loving young guy, just like me. I think I’m not wrong in saying that we clicked instantly.
But I was not in love with him. I had just found a friend.
However, a lot of people thought different. Okay, I do admit that might had to do with the fact that I could count the amount of my real friends on half a hand, while all the other people I knew were basically those I had slept with and stayed in loose touch with. But really, Harry and I were just friends. I have this rule, you know. ‘Never fuck a company member.’, which best be translated into, ‘Hands off your mates, however hot they may be!’ And that I stuck to. ‘Stuck’ being the keyword here, I think.
The first time I was accused of feeling more than friendship for Harry was one night when my mate Danny and I had been out partying and went home without me having met anyone. That comes close to a nuclear disaster to Danny, so he said it was time for a talk. And that should have worried me. Danny talks a lot, but he never announces it before.
“You fancy Harry.”
Not a question, a statement.
“I fucking do not fancy him.”
“Dougs, it’s always Harry this and Harry that. You don’t flirt around anymore. You may not know it yet but you do fancy him. And as your friend I tell you … stay away.”
“He’s just my friend, Danny.”
“Still. Stay away. He has a boyfriend.”
Boom!
“What?!”
“Tom told me, him and Gi know the guy.”
“Harry never told me about a boyfriend.”
“Yeah well, maybe ‘boyfriend’s not the right term. They’re on a break kind of thing. Tom said they’ve been knowing each other pretty much their whole life, were together all the way through high school. They wanna get serious, Dougs. Serious as in married.”
“You just said they’re on a break. How can they be on a break and at the same time be engaged?”
“They wanna test out the waters or something, try being single for a while before getting attached for good. I have no idea. You better ask Harry anyways, I’ve already said too much.”
I’ll be honest with you, when I had heard that, it was like a slap in the face. I was angry and confused and god knows what else. And before you think that it had to do something with feelings for Harry that I didn’t want to admit, calm down. It was simply because I had been lied to for months by someone I considered a very good friend, not because the guy I apparently liked had a boyfriend. As I said before, I don’t do secrets and this definitely was a secret.
I met up with Harry a few days after my talk with Danny. I had been thinking about whether or not I should confront him with what I had heard or just wait until he would tell me on his own. In the end I decided on a middle-thing. I would drop hints and just wait until Harry cracked.
Harry had spent a few days with his family and because he had borrowed his car to his sister who had in return crashed it, I had to come pick him up. I had never met Harry’s parents before and once I started the small talk with his mother I came to notice that I was as much a stranger to them as they were strangers to me.
“So dear, you are a friend of our Harry then?” his mother asked while we waited in the living room. Harry was outside in the garden, saying goodbye to the rest of his family.
“Erm, I guess you could say I am, yes. We’ve been knowing each other for a few months, see a lot of each other.”
“Oh do you really? Harry never told us.”
I could feel the smile leaving my face. Harry’s mother could obviously tell. Her face brightened up and she tried to save the situation.
“But he’s always so busy, that boy. I have no idea what he’s up to most of the time. And I mean, which guy in his twenties tells his old mother all about his friends anyway, right? And he’s probably mentioned your name in phonecalls. But I’m not the youngest anymore, start forgetting things.”
I just nodded absent-mindely, letting my eyes travel around the room to hide how uneasy I suddenly felt. I spotted a few photographs on the mantlepiece and walked over to get a closer look at them. There was the usual wedding-picture of Harry’s parents, pictures of first days at school of Harry and his siblings, baby-pictures of children, nieces, nephews, cousins - all that kind of stuff.
And there was this one picture. Harry and a guy. It was more recent, the colours not faded and bleached by the light like on the old pictures. Both were in fancy suits, sitting at a table somewhere outside, smiling widely into the camera.
“Doesn’t he look handsome, wearing a suit?” Harry’s mother asked from beside me, “That was last summer. On a wedding.”
“Who’s the guy?”
“That’s Martin. Harry’s boyfriend. Don’t you know him?”
Despite feeling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, I forced a polite smile and came up with an answer. “Oh no, I do know him. Well, about him. I’ve never met him.”
“Well, of course. How could you with him being abroad, right? Taking a year off to travel the world, that does require some courage, don’t you think?”
“It does.”
“I wish Harry would’ve gone with him. He would have learned so much. Martin asked, you know. But as usual Harry’s pride came in the way. We would have loved to pay that trip for him but he always insists to do everything on his own.” She sighed. “Even if it means that he has to let go the love of his life.”
I didn’t know what to say about that but thank god I didn’t have to say anything as, right in that moment, Harry entered the room, saying that it was time to go.
Our way home that day was spent in unusual silence. Well, at first it was.
“You alright, Doug?”
“Yeah fine, why?”
“You’ve been so quiet. At my parents’, all day, basically.”
“Nothing to say I guess. And I better keep my focus on the road. I don’t fancy another shredded car, especially not mine.”
“Want me to drive?”
“No, it’s fine.”
It was silent for a few more minutes. But then I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.
“So … Martin, huh?”
Even from the corner of my eye I could see Harry flinch. He cast a careful look at me. “My mum?”
I shook my head. “Danny actually. Just the other day.”
“Danny?”
“Well, Tom. Tom told Danny, Danny told me. Your mum just gave me the details.” I looked at him for a second, seeing that he felt far from comfortable. “You could’ve just told me you’re engaged. It wouldn’t have made a difference.”
“Engaged?”
“Aren’t you? That’s what I’ve been told.”
“Fucking no! We’re not even together anymore. Who told you that rubbish?”
“Danny said that Tom said that you’re on a break. Seeing what it’s like to be single before you tie the knot. Stuff like that.”
“Doug, we don’t even know if we’ll get back together. Yes, we did talk about getting married. I won’t lie to you, I saw myself settling down with Martin, always have. But we’ve never gotten engaged. Which was mainly Martin’s doing.”
“It was?”
“Yeah. He didn’t know what he wanted. One day he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, the next he said he will travel the world to see what he missed out all his life. So he planned it all and sooner than you know he was gone. And we split up. Or … officially, we’re on a break. I think Martin just wanted to be safe, didn’t want to come across as the tosser who left his hubby-to-be. He suggested splitting up for as long as he’s away, then see what happens when he gets back. This way, we can both have our fun in the time being without feeling bad. And in case one of us meets someone and it gets serious, we’ll tell each other so we know what the deal is.”
“But your mum said …”
Harry interrupted. “Martin is the picture perfect son-in-law for my mum. It would’ve broken her heart if I told her we split up. So I told her that Martin wanted to take me with him but that I rejected. Truth is, it never crossed his mind to take me along. But that, of course, I couldn’t tell her. And I can’t exactly tell her about the whole ‘having fun’-part, can I? No mother likes to hear that her son is putting it about. And then, when Martin’s back and him and me get back together, there’s no need to tell my mum anything anyway. And if we don’t get back together, we can always say we’ve grown apart. Stuff like that tends to happen when you’ve not seen each other for a year.”
“Okay, fair enough. I wouldn’t lie about stuff like that but that’s your decision. Still, why haven’t you told me about him? I thought we’re friends.”
“We are.”
“Friends don’t keep things like that from each other.”
“I know but … if I told you that there kind of is someone when we met. Would we be the friends that we are right now?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Because … well, you’re single … you’ve approached me on that party …”
“And I bet that either Tom or Danny or both of them told you that I wouldn’t have done that unless I was interested in you.” I finished for him.
“Pretty much, yes.” Harry admitted shyly, “It was Tom and Gi though. Danny just told me you’re a massive flirt.”
“I’m not that bad. You know what I’m like. I’m outgoing, yes. And I tend to fool around with guys every now and then. But do you see me hanging out with them? I draw the line between friends and … well, shags. Besides, Danny’s not much different, only that he flirts with girls.”
“So you’re not … interested?”
“Not in anything apart from your friendship.”
“Okay. So … we’re alright now?”
“Yeah. Unless there’s a divorce and several children that you kept hidden from me as well.”
Harry laughed a little. “Nope, none of that. I promise.”
“Then we’re alright. But Harry?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m not a fan of secrets. I hate them to be honest.”
“Okay. I’ll remember that.”
After that it was back to normal with Harry and me. We were friends. We were the kind of friends that tell each other everything in a deep conversation before going out to get hammered. We got strange looks because we were so close yet still insisted on being just friends. People warned him to be careful to get involved with me and I’ve been warned to not fall for someone who I couldn’t have. No one seemed to believe that Harry and I were just friends.
But that’s exactly what we were.
Our friendship was true and real.
And then we did something that messed it up.
Harry and I were just spending a few days at the seaside. We both had some stressful weeks at work and decided we just needed some time away from our usual surroundings and get drunk somewhere else for a change.
The first night of us being there, we stuck to our plan. We found a relatively cheap pub and sooner than you know we both were in that pleasant state between tipsy and completely drunk.
I was standing by the bar, watching a few girls on a hen night making complete fools of themselves when suddenly Harry who had just returned from the toilets pressed himself against my back, his voice husky in my ear, his breath tickling me.
“In case anything happens between us this weekend, you wouldn’t tell anyone, would you?”
I turned around to him, not knowing where that suddenly came from.
“What?!”
“If anything happens between you and me this weekend, would you tell anyone?”
“Why, is there a chance of anything happening?”
“You never know.”
I had no idea what to say to that so that’s what I did. I didn’t say anything.
“I mean, think about it.” Harry continued, “If people find out we shagged, I’ll be the one who cheated on my boyfriend and you’ve proven the fact that you indeed shag every living thing around you, friends or enemies or casual aquaintances.”
“It’s not cheating when you’re not actually with someone, you know.”
“To the people we know I am.”
At that I just let out a small, somewhat bitter, laugh. “You know how I feel about secrets, Harry.”
For me, that topic was done with my final statement. I mean, what else was there to say anyway? Harry had been drinking, he couldn’t be serious about what he had said. And besides, if we had wanted to fool around with each other, we already would have done it. Before we became friends.
Only, Harry didn’t seem to be as done with the subject as I was. When we returned to our hotel room in the early hours of the morning and I exited the bathroom after having a shower I found Harry in my bed, under the sheets, apparently just waiting for me to join him.
“Wrong bed, buddy.” I stated in a joking manner.
“I don’t wanna sleep alone.” he replied sleepily.
I laughed lightly. “No more drinking for you, dude.”
And then there was that little voice in the back of my head, telling me to not get into this bed, screaming at me to better sleep in Harry’s bed because it was safer and easier and definitely trouble-free. But then again, what harm could it do? Harry was drunk and tired, what on earth could possibly have happened? He would probably fall asleep right away.
So I got into bed, the same bed as Harry, and settled under the duvet, closing my eyes, waiting for sleep to come over me.
What I didn’t wait for was Harry to snuggle up to my back, holding me close around the waist. But that was exactly what happened.
“You smell good.” Harry whispered against my neck, making me shiver on the inside and the voice in the back of my head only scream at me louder.
“It’s called shower, Harry. You should try it sometime.”
“You look good as well.”
“Right now all you see of me is the back of my head. Not to sound cocky, but almost every part of my body looks better than the back of my head.”
“No, I mean … You look good … always. I can see why people want you.”
At that I turned around to him, inwardly flinching at how close he really was. His eyes were clouded over by something that I have never seen in them before too and I couldn’t help but swallow down a lump that was suddenly blocking my throat.
“What’s going on here, Harry?”
Harry studied my face and then shook his head. “I don’t know.”
And then, just like that, we were kissing. And it was a kiss like none other I had before. Usually, when I kissed someone or someone kissed me, it was clear what it would lead to. Usually I had kisses that spelt sex. But this kiss, the first kiss I shared with Harry, that wasn’t about sex. It was soft and gentle and curious, full of promises, as if we had all the time in the world and not just one night.
It was the perfect kiss. The kiss that everyone secretly waits for all their life.
After a few moments my better judgement kicked in. I didn’t actually want to end whatever was going on but I still pushed Harry away from me. He still hovered above me and looked down at me with a questioning look in his eyes.
“We shouldn’t do this, Harry. It’s just … you’re my friend and … it’ll make things too complicated.”
“Yeah … you’re right.”
Harry rolled off me and laid next to me on his back. What followed were a few moments of silence but I could almost hear the thoughts running through his head, same as he could probably hear mine. And I was quite sure that we both thought something similar anyway.
“This kiss was …” Harry uttered after a while, letting the end of his statement hang in the air.
“Yeah …” I replied.
I turned my head to look at Harry. He was laying on his back, looking up at the ceiling, his chest moving up and down from his still somewhat ragged breathing. I looked at him for maybe ten seconds when he suddenly looked back at me.
And just like that, all our boundaries fell.
Harry was back on top of me in a flash, kissing me again. And this time, there was no question what that kiss would lead to. Our tongues were battling for dominance before our lips even fully touched and needy moans filled the air while both Harry’s and my hands roamed over each other’s bodies and tugged on offending pieces of clothing.
“Wanna fuck you, Doug.” Harry let out while his hips ground heavily into mine, his hard cock brushing against mine.
“Oh god, yes.” was all that I could respond.
And well … that’s what happened. Harry and I slept with each other that night. And by all means, it was amazing. It wasn’t like those usual one-night-stands. Maybe because Harry and I knew each other, I have no idea. It was wild, yet at the same time it was intimate. We were eager to explore each other, still it felt like the night would never end so we had forever and a day. And afterwards there were no awkward silences or empty promises of calling each other. And there wasn’t that atmosphere of ‘Okay, let’s get out of here’.
Long story short, it didn’t feel like a one-night-stand. It felt like something better, something with a meaning. And for the first time, I didn’t mind. I somehow even liked the meaning.
Harry and I fell asleep with each other too. He had his arms securely wrapped around me from behind, his face nuzzled somewhere in my neck, his breath hot on my skin. He fell asleep really quickly but I was laying awake quite some time, savouring the feeling of safety I suddenly had and which I never knew I wanted or even liked.
When I woke up the next morning, I noticed something strange. There were no arms around my waist anymore. Harry’s breath wasn’t there anymore either.
Sleepily I turned around and there was Harry, sitting up in bed, reading.
“Morning.” I mumbled, turning towards him fully, trying to wrap my arms back around him so I could go back to sleep.
Suddenly I felt Harry tense before he wriggled himself out of my grip. I was wide awake in an instant, sitting bolt upright immediately.
“What?” I wondered.
“It shouldn’t have happened, Doug. It was a mistake, a huge mistake.”
He then got out of bed and wordlessly grabbed his washing bag and a towel and got into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. I looked at the door completely baffled, not quite understanding what had just happened. I only knew one thing. I couldn’t stay in this room, I couldn’t be there when Harry would get out of the bathroom.
In a frantic rush I dressed, slipped on my shoes and left the room. Once outside the door, I had no idea where to go though. Being alone seemed like a bad idea as it would only make me think too much but then again … I was in an unfamiliar town, a place where the only person I knew was the same person I just escaped from.
I wandered away from the hotel and just sat at the beach, staring at the sea in front of me, trying not to think, trying to get Harry’s words out of my head. Only, it didn’t work so well.
I don’t know for how long I sat there, staring at the sea, until I felt some sort of presence next to me. I didn’t even need to look up, I knew it was him. Before I could say something an little plastic bag was dropped into the sand next to me. I only cast a short look but I could see a sandwich, something to drink and a packet of cigarettes.
“Figured you might.” Harry said.
Nodding wordlessly, I reached into the bag and pulled out the cigarettes, patting my pockets for a lighter when Harry’s hand appeared at my side, handing me one. I lit the cigarette and took a few drags, ignoring Harry as best as I could.
“You alright?” Harry finally asked, now sitting down next to me.
At this point, I actually turned around to him, just giving him a look. “What do you think?” No point hiding my sarcasm there, either.
“Look Doug … I don’t know what to say …”
“What is there to say?” I interrupted, “You said it all earlier. I was a mistake that shouldn’t have happened.”
Harry shook his head. “I didn’t say that.”
“You slept with me and then told me it shouldn’t have happened and that it was a mistake. You said that to me and correct me if I’m wrong, but if it had been any random bloke those words would never have left your mouth. So all in all … I was the mistake, not what happened.”
“Doug, I …”
“Why did you let it come this far, Harry? You knew all along that it was wrong, why the fuck did you let it happen?”
“It needs two for that, Doug. Don’t put all the blame on me.”
“Why not? I’m not ashamed of the fact that I had sex with you.”
“I’m not ashamed.”
“Then don’t say that it was a mistake. If you had been too bladdered to think straight, then it would’ve been a mistake. But you knew it would happen, Harry. I think you even wanted it to happen. Otherwise you never would’ve asked me if I’d tell anyone. And now that it did happen you regret it.”
“I never said that I regret it.”
“So you don’t regret it and you’re not ashamed. Yet, you wanna erase last night out of your life. Brilliant logic there.”
“Try walking in my shoes, Doug. It’s not as easy for me as it is for you.”
“And whose fault is that? You could have it so easy, Harry. You just need to stop living a fucking lie. You’re single. Single and free to do whatever you want … and whoever you want. There’s no need for you to keep any secrets from anyone. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops but you you also don’t have to keep it a fucking secret that something happened between you and me.”
“Why are you so keen on everyone knowing? Usually you don’t brag about your one-night-stands. What makes sleeping with me so different?”
I didn’t know how to answer to that. Or well … I knew. But I also knew how Harry would react if I told him the honest answer and I also knew I wouldn’t like it. Still, I confessed. Straightforward. Blunt. In.Your.Face.
“Maybe it’s the fact that it wasn’t a one-night-stand this time. At least to me it didn’t feel like one. It was just … it wasn’t just to get off. I fell asleep with you, to the sound of your breathing and I felt taken care of and safe. I just felt, you know. And your reaction this morning and this whole conversation right now made me realise that you don’t feel that way and I just gotta live with it, I guess. And that hurts. Because for the first time I’m actually ready to be part of something but instead I’ve had to hear that I’ve been a mistake and hearing that isn’t that much fun. Epecially not from the one person I want to be something with.”
Harry just looked at me for a moment after this, his expression a mixture of surprise and curiosity. “So you’re … you like me?”
“I do, yes.”
“Then why did you … you should’ve stopped me.”
“I didn’t think it was necessary. Up until last night I thought that if we fooled around with each other, that’s what it would be, just two mates fulfilling their needs. Then we suddenly had sex and everything changed. And now I feel all those things and you don’t feel them and you wanna keep me as your dirty little secret and that’s just all a bit too much for me. I don’t really know what I expected after last night but I definitely know that I didn’t expect this.”
“But Doug, I … Being with you … it would just be … it’d be too messy. Too weird. Too complicated.”
“How do you know? You’re not even giving me, giving this, a chance.”
“We’re not on the same page, Doug. I love you, I really do. But I love you as my best mate. And I … I don’t think that will ever change.”
“So this is why you won’t say anything.”
“What is?”
“You won’t say anything because it wasn’t serious to you. Or not serious enough anyway.”
Harry didn’t answer to that, probably to not hurt me with the truth. But his silence was screaming the answer out louder than he could have ever said it.
I nodded slowly. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry Doug. You have no idea how much. I wish it was different, I really do.”
“It isn’t though, is it?”
Harry shook his head, his face showing he really was sorry. “What now?”
“Moving on.” I said, “Forgetting. Ignoring. Going back to being friends, pretending this last night never happened.”
“Could you … I mean … you’d do that? You hate secrets.”
“I do. Right now more than ever. But I love you, Harry. In whichever way. And I rather keep you and a secret than confess a secret and lose you.”
“And you? How will you cope?”
“With what? Being just your friend?”
Harry nodded.
I shrugged. “I’ll figure out a way. And if it gets too much, I’ll just get you drunk and hope for a repitition of last night.” At this Harry just shot me a shocked look, to which I only smiled. “Joke, Harry.”
He only smiled half a smile to that. “At least now I understand this whole ‘Don’t fuck a team mate.’ thing.”
“‘Never fuck a company member.’. If you so happen to quote me, do it right at least.”
“Whatever. I get it now. Sex is evil.”
“The sex isn’t. It’s evil when two people want two different things and realise that after the sex.”
“Yeah …” Harry trailed off.
We kept sitting in the sand, side by side, for a few more minutes. I had calmed down considerably and I wasn’t mad at Harry or anything. But still …
“Harry?”
He turned his head, looking at me. “Hm?”
“Not to be rude or anything. But could you … I mean … I was just sitting here and you still have the hotel and the rest of the town … Can you leave me alone for a bit?”
“Sure.”
Harry stood back up, brushing the sand off his jeans before he proceeded to move. He walked a few steps back towards the street but suddenly spoke up again.
“Doug?”
I turned around. “Yeah?”
“You’ll come back, right?” Harry asked and from his tone I could tell that he was actually scared that I wouldn’t.
I smiled. “Sure. I didn’t pay my share of the room for nothing.” I paused, letting the joke run out. “I’ll be back later. Just … give me a bit.”
Harry nodded and turned back around, walking back towards the hotel.
I kept sitting by the beach for hours, just thinking. Wondering how things would go on between me and Harry. Questioning myself if I could actually keep a secret, big as this, to myself. And what if I couldn’t? I mean, surely I’d feel the need to talk at some point, right? And then I would have to talk to Harry, him being the only one I could confide in with this subject, as well as him being the subject itself. How could I ever talk to him about my feelings when he knew exactly that said feelings weren’t for some guy, but for him, or because of him?
And, thinking further here, what would be if Harry actually met someone and that someone was worth telling others about? What would it be like when Harry told me he met someone? What if I was going to meet him? I would see Harry kiss him and I know how it felt. I would see Harry touch him and wish that it was me he touched.
Also, Martin would be back eventually. And then? Could I sit back and watch him get Harry back? Could I see them get married even?
God, I hated love. With a passion. I was wishing I would have listened to Danny at least once in my life, only this one time when he told me to stay away. If I concentrated hard enough, I could actually hear a fat ‘I told you so’ in his broad northern accent ringing in my ear.
It was past dinner time when I returned back to the hotel. The whole day had passed without me moving away from the spot I had occupied in the morning. And I had only noticed time had passed when I was starting to get cold because the sun had set.
When I got back into the room, Harry was there. He sat on his bed, watching TV, but jumped up the second I entered the room, dropping the remote to the floor.
“There you are!”
“I told you I’d come back.”
“Didn’t think it would take you all day.”
“Sorry, Mum.” I joked half-heartedly.
I didn’t quite get it, to be honest. After everything that happened he still had the nerve to worry about me. Not like a friend would do, more like a boyfriend would do.
“What you been doing all day?” I asked conversationally, getting a jumper out of my bag and putting it on.
He shrugged. “Nothing really. Wandered about town a bit, had food out, but then came back here. I wanted to be there when you came back.”
“Why?”
“Don’t know. Just … because, I guess.”
“Well, I am back and I’m still in one piece. You can stop worrying.”
“I wasn’t worried. I just … I wanted to be there.” He paused, studying me for a moment. “You feel better?”
“Honestly? No.”
“Doug, I’m -”
I interrupted. “Sorry? Yeah, I know. Apology accepted. But you can’t expect me to go back to the same old within a few hours. I really wish I could, even if just to stop it from hurting so much when I look at you.”
That last statement hit Harry. I knew him well enough to be able to tell. He blinked quickly once or twice, his body twitching just that little bit. It was like an invisible hand had just slapped him out of nowhere.
“Don’t say that.” he said, his voice a little raspy and blocked. He sat back down on his bed, probably to recover from the shock I just gave him. While sitting back down, he had his eyes on me the whole time.
I also sat down on the edge of my bed, right across from him, looking him dead in the eye while I spoke. “But it’s the truth, Harry. Looking at you hurts. Because I look at you and I see and hear all the things that happened inside this room last night. And at the same time I know that it’s all I’ll have from now on. You’re everything I want and at the same time everything that I can’t have and I somehow have to look past that and be friends with you. Because besides all the shit that has happened, you are my friend and I just can’t let you get out of my life because of something like love. But still, right now, I look at you and it hurts.”
“What do you want me to do, Doug? I don’t want you to be hurt so tell me what I can do.”
I sighed, thinking about an answer to that one. I didn’t want to be hurt either. If I permanently felt like I felt on that day, I couldn’t handle being hurt longer than a week. And I knew how Harry could make me feel better, but what would make me feel better, it would make him feel worse.
“Be normal, I guess. I can’t force you to love me, right? So you’ll be you, I’ll be me and we’ll get this thing over with.”
“You mean …”
“Friends, Harry. That’s all we can be. We know how to be friends with each other, we’ve been friends for months before … that. So let’s just get back to how it was and ignore everything else. That’s the only thing we can do.”
“But … I mean … there’ll always be the feeling of ‘what if’, don’t you think?”
“Of course it’ll be there. It’ll be there every time we so much as look at each other, every time we touch just fleetingly. But we either give in to it or not. Nothing inbetween. So … what will it be?”
“What, you want me to decide now?”
“Well, when the fuck else?”
“But … I can’t. Not now when it’s all so … it’s still so fresh. I need to think about this first. I don’t want to say ‘no’ now and mean ‘yes’ next week or the other way round.”
“Why is that suddenly such a problem for you? This morning you knew perfectly well that you didn’t want to be with me.”
“I know but … This morning you said that I never would have asked you to keep last night a secret if I hadn’t meant for it to happen, remember? And I’ve been thinking that you had a point there. Maybe I did want to be with you as well and I just got scared after waking up. You know, scared of being with you in an actual relationship, of telling others about it, of telling Martin and my family about it. And maybe that’s why I told you it’s been a mistake. Maybe I just thought it was a mistake. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe you and me and last night were just the way it was supposed to be.”
I groaned, not believing that all this really happened. I had just started getting used to not be able to have Harry, just got it into my head that being his friend was something too, better than not being anything in his life at all, and here he goes and changes his mind or what?
I got off my bed and made the step over to his, sitting down next to him. Not touching him but still, I was close.
“Maybe or definitely? I know this kills Harry, but you have to make a decision. Yes or no, there is no maybe.”
Harry didn’t reply. He slumped back until he was leaning against the wall, staring into space. He opened his mouth a few times, as if to say something, but then closed it again, taking a deep breath. Finally, after a few agonizing minutes, he looked back at me and spoke. He sounded calm and collected but there was also heartbreak clearly sounding through.
“I can’t, Doug.” He paused. “There is a part of me that wants to find out how it would be but I just can’t give in. There’s just too much that I could lose if this goes wrong. And I don’t mean Martin or my family or whoever else. I mean you and only you. I already messed up so much last night and I think if it happened again, neither you nor me would be able to fix it again. I was so close to losing you today and I just can’t risk something like that again and losing you for real next time. You mean the world to me, Doug, and even if it kills me, I can’t be with you. I’m too scared of losing you.”
There it was, the answer that I had been dreading, even though I knew that he would decide like that. That’s where it helped just knowing Harry better than he probably knew himself. We weren’t different in so many ways but if there was one thing where we indeed were different, it was in the way we made decisions. I was the one deciding from my gut feeling, he was the one listening to his head.
I have to admit it hurt, though. Even though I knew I had it coming, it hurt a lot. But at the same time I only loved Harry more because here he was, not doing what he probably wanted to do in fear of losing me and destroying our friendship.
“God, we’re a fucked up pair, the two of us.” I mumbled.
“Yeah.” Harry sighed. “Hey Doug?”
“Hm?”
“Just so you know … Last night … I really don’t regret it. It was too amazing to regret it and I’m not just saying that.”
“Thanks. And … you know, likewise. I might have regretted a few of my one-nighters but I’ll never regret the one I had with you.”
“Shame we’ll have to keep silent about it, though. We really could show off with it.”
I grinned. “Nah, everyone else would just be jealous. Better keep it a secret.”
Silence fell upon us after that, just our breathing filling the air in the room.
“You’re going to make someone really happy one day.” Harry said after a good five minutes.
I scooted back on the bed, until I was leaning against the wall, just like him. “You think?”
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “I will hate him.”
“As my friend you’ll need to put him through the test though, see if he’s good enough for me.”
“Well, in that case, I’m sorry. You’re gonna be single for the rest of your life.”
“Makes two of us then. Sorry to say but no one will be able to meet my standards. Danny doesn’t even introduce me to his girls anymore because I always find something I hate about them. And just you wait til Martin gets back. He won’t know what hit him after I’ve been through with him.”
“You wanna meet him?”
“Actually … no, I don’t. I can’t see myself meeting anyone that could be worth your time. It’d hurt too much.”
“I know. I couldn’t meet anyone you go out with either.” He sighed. “You think it’ll ever stop?”
“To hurt?”
Harry nodded.
“I hope so. I hate this, I really do. I wish I could just close my eyes and count to ten, then open them up again and we’re friends again. You know, like we were before last night even though last night happened. Make it seem we were two different people last night and are just Harry and Dougie again now. That way we could have our friendship and last night, not our friendship or last night.”
“That’d be perfect.” He paused. “Wanna try?”
“Try what?”
“Close our eyes and count to ten.”
“Aren’t we a little too old to believe that stuff like that actually works?”
“Maybe. But … what could it hurt?”
Smiling lightly, I shrugged. “Okay.”
We both looked deeply into each other’s eyes before closing them. Then all I heard was Harry’s breathing and I think I stopped counting after two or three.
“Done.” Harry said after a while, way longer than it would have taken him to count to ten.
We opened our eyes again, immediately setting our focus back on each other.
I was the first to voice my thoughts. “Didn’t work. I told you.”
“Was worth the try.” Harry uttered.
We kept sitting on the bed, both not looking at each other anymore. I think if I had, I would have just forgotten about all the things we agreed on and jump Harry again. Something that probably wasn’t that good of an idea. I brought my feet up on the mattress, my thighs almost touching my chest. I started fiddling with my bracelets before, subconsiously, I started to bite my nails.
Suddenly, Harry grabbed for my hand and held it tightly in his, stating, “You know I hate it when you do that.”
“Sorry.” I apologised shyly.
“What goes on in that head of yours? Right now.”
“Too much shit.”
“What exactly?”
“Honestly?”
He nodded, waiting for me to tell him.
“I think it sucks that we have this stupid agreement to be friends. Because there’s something I’d really like to do now but I can’t do it, because that thing I have in mind, you normally don’t do it with a friend.”
“What is it?”
I looked back at him again, squeezing his hand that little bit tighter, holding it in mine more so he couldn’t run away.
“I want to kiss you.”
“Doug -”
“I know. That was inapropriate. Sorry. You wanted to know, though.”
“That’s not what I meant. I wouldn’t stop you if you kissed me, actually. But I’m not going to be the one leaning in. I’m not going to be the one starting it. Not again. If you wanna do it, do it. But you have to start it and be aware that it’ll be the last time. Ever.”
“You’re a fucking bastard, I hope you know that.”
We fell silent, again. But I barely noticed the silence over the mess that was going through my head right then. I really wanted to kiss Harry again. I didn’t want sex or anything, I just wanted to kiss him for hours and hours. But I knew of the effects of Harry’s kisses, for one. They were addictive. And I knew that, if we went there again, even if it was just kissing, it would hurt a million times more when we stopped than it hurt this morning. Would I be able to kiss Harry again, knowing that every second of it could be the last, that every kiss could be the kiss goodbye?
I continued, sitting there on the bed, staring at my legs in front of me. Harry still held onto my hand and I could feel his eyes on me from time to time. He could tell I was troubled, which was probably the main reason why he hadn’t let go of my hand. Him holding my hand was him supporting me. He was being a friend again.
I think it was that what made me understand. Whatever I would end up doing, Harry was still going to be there in the end. At the end of the day he would hold my hand. Support me. Be my friend.
“Oh fuck it!”
It took me the whole of two seconds to move over and straddle Harry’s legs and press my lips onto his.
Harry took no time in responding. He let go of my hand and wound his arms around my waist, holding me close to his body while our liplock remained.
We had this perfect kiss. Again.
My heart was racing and at the same time breaking inside my chest but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop even though every second was more painful than the one before.
At some point I felt my legs go numb from the straddling position I had on Harry’s lap so I gently pushed him to lay down, my lips still never leaving his. Even though I knew I should have, I had no intention to stop this kiss, too scared of the second when everything would be over for good.
Still, the dreaded moment arrived at some point. I felt Harry gently cup my face, breaking the two of us apart.
“Give me a minute to breathe, will you?”
I shook my head, resting my forehead against his, my lips ghosting across his while I whispered, “Breathing is overrated.”
“That’d look nice on a tombstone. ‘Here lies Harry Judd, beloved son, brother and friend. He died at the age of 24 after he was made to believe that ‘breathing is overrated’.”
Despite not wanting to, I giggled. I settled down at Harry’s side, his arm securely around my back while I had mine wrapped around his middle.
“What time is it?” I wondered.
Harry reached over to his bedside table, fumbling for his watch. He looked at it before putting it back down. “Just gone ten. Wanna head over to the pub, get a few drinks in?”
“Better not. I fear to think what could happen. Let’s just keep laying here, yeah?”
“Okay, fine.”
Harry got more comfortable in his position, still holding me close, his fingers now tracing lazy patterns on my arm that I had still wrapped around his waist.
“It’s over now, isn’t it?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer, knew it before I had even brought up the question.
“Only this is.” Harry replied, “We’re still friends.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course! I never would not want to be your friend. I couldn’t not be your friend. No one else I know can match up to me when it comes to drinking.”
“Danny could. Easily actually.”
“He might but I barely understand his accent when he’s sober, nevermind when he’s drunk.”
I smiled. “You’re awesome, Harry.”
“I know. But thanks anyway.”
For the rest of the evening, and most part of the night, Harry and I stayed in our position on the bed, talking about anything and everything. Just like we used to.
I remember that, before I fell asleep, Harry already sleeping next to me, I thought if it would always be like that, being friends with Harry might not be as painful as I thought it would be.
But then we eventually came back home.
Suddenly everything was so weird. Nothing between Harry and me had changed, yet everything was so different all of a sudden.
The secret was hanging above us.
Harry and I were still the friends we were before we went on our little holiday. When we were among others, we were this seemingly unbreakable pair that everyone knew. We threw friendly insults at each other like nicknames and made each other’s jokes even funnier.
But then there were those looks we shared, when no one else was looking or when it was just the two of us, and it was then that I could almost feel the fire flickering between us. And there were those touches that were a tad too familiar and too lingering and I always had to pull back to prevent me from doing something stupid. I had to keep the secret. I had to keep myself in check. I had to push the love away. Ignore it. Forget it.
Harry and I never spoke about the night we had again, not even when we were alone. I thought of it a lot and I could tell from the look on his face that he did too. But still, thinking - remembering - was all we did. Speaking about it would only make it appear at the surface again and we both knew that, once that would happen, we would never be able to push it back to our memories again.
And eventually, we both crossed the final line that made us friends again.
We let other people get into our lives again.
Harry was casually dating around. That’s all I knew about it. I refused to hear about it, each and every time. I never knew a name or anything else, never met anyone or even saw a face. I knew that Harry went out with someone and that was about as far as it went. Knowing that was bad enough, but anything else would have killed me.
Mind, Martin never came back into Harry’s life. One day Harry had gotten The Call. Martin told him he had met someone, that he was getting serious with them. Harry wasn’t even surprised. Also, that saved him from telling Martin that he wouldn’t get back together with him even though there wasn’t anyone else in the picture.
I got back into old antics too easily, never seemed to have forgotten all my old tricks. I chatted up people like I never did anything else. I had a few hours in a foreign bed and then left before the sun came up the next morning. Harry never wanted to hear a word of it, never threw a look in my direction when I spoke to a potential one-nighter.
Harry Judd is still my best friend. I see him almost every day and we still go out with each other at any chance we get. People look at us in awe, wonder how we can be so close without having the slightest bit of sexual attraction between us. They have no idea, which only proves that I’m probably better at keeping a secret than I thought I was.
Harry and I have sleepovers quite often. Going home together after a night out. Visiting one another after we’ve been with someone who doesn’t mean anything to either of us. Stay at each other’s because we can’t be arsed with getting a taxi home. We always sleep in one bed in those nights, holding onto each other so tightly that you couldn’t fit a sheet of paper in between us.
We’ve never even kissed again. One kiss and it would throw both him and me into something we probably couldn’t handle, something that would only destroy our friendship and that was something that the both of us weren’t going to risk.
So, after all this, nothing really changed. Everything is still the same, I suppose.
Besides that I have a secret. And that I have fallen in love. Both for the first and last time in my life.
The End
Comments are appreciated.
A/N 2: Without sounding too full of myself but I think this … I really wish I could, even if just to stop it from hurting so much when I look at you. … is probably one of the most amazing lines I ever wrote. I read over the story about a million times and even after the million and first time, this line made me shiver.
A/N 3: Would anyone here be kind enough to upload all those new mcfly-songs that have been flooding around for me? I have 'One for the radio' but I do believe that there are about a million others around.
i'm posting a story!
miracles do happen, don't they?
yeah, sorry i have been away for absolute ages. i've been kidnapped, you know. by my job. i'm barely home these days, let alone have time to be creative.
still, in the approximately 20 hours i have to myself each week, i managed to write something.
wanna read it?
Title: Keep me a Secret
Author: me
Rating: PG13
Chapter: 1/1 … Standalone
Genre: AU - Drama, Angst, Self-analysis
Pairing: PoynterJudd
Summary: Falling in love was a stupid idea. A really stupid idea.
Word count: 8,835
Disclaimer: Naaaaaaah! Don’t believe me.
Dedication: Everyone who missed me!
Author’s note: So yes, here I am again. I was on a bit of a hiatus. Not that I wanted to be though. But work sucked all my strength and energy out of me and I'm actually happy that I even had time and strength for this piece. It means a lot to me and it took me two months on the dot to finish it. So I only hope and pray that you lot like it.
Also, I think I remember that there once was a song with the same title by Ainslie Henderson (does anyone actually remember 'Fame Academy'?) but the song has nothing to do with the story.
Falling in love was a stupid idea. A really stupid idea.
Yes, there you have it, I told you. Straightforward. Blunt. In.Your.Face. That’s just me, you know. I’m what some would call brutally honest. I don’t wait for right times to tell something uncomfortable, I just say it when it needs to be said. I’m not one to drag around secrets with me. All in all, I don’t even like secrets that much.
But that was until it happened. Until this little thing called love came along.
I hadn’t meant for it to happen. Honestly, I didn’t. Love and me did not match. The only thing love and me had in common was that we both had the tendency to be a pain in the arse. So I simply refused to fall in love. Crushes, okay. Little affairs or one-night-stands, nothing wrong in that. But I never let anyone get closer to me than they could get in one night of shagging. Hell, I wouldn’t even get any of the one-nighters into my flat, nevermind into my heart.
For years and years I had no secrets and refused to fall in love. And it had worked perfectly. All my life, actually.
Until I met him. Harry.
I wasn’t in love with him. At first. Love just decided to butt in on me. And once it was there, it just didn’t go away. And it also brought me the biggest secret of my life.
Harry and I met on a party. I like to socialise - though my friends call it ‘shameless flirting’ - and when I saw him standing on his own in a corner I grabbed two bottles of beer - one for me and one for him - and went over to him.
We got on really quickly. We had a lot of things in common, were about the same age, him being two years older than me. We could talk for hours about literally everything. He was an outgoing, fun-loving young guy, just like me. I think I’m not wrong in saying that we clicked instantly.
But I was not in love with him. I had just found a friend.
However, a lot of people thought different. Okay, I do admit that might had to do with the fact that I could count the amount of my real friends on half a hand, while all the other people I knew were basically those I had slept with and stayed in loose touch with. But really, Harry and I were just friends. I have this rule, you know. ‘Never fuck a company member.’, which best be translated into, ‘Hands off your mates, however hot they may be!’ And that I stuck to. ‘Stuck’ being the keyword here, I think.
The first time I was accused of feeling more than friendship for Harry was one night when my mate Danny and I had been out partying and went home without me having met anyone. That comes close to a nuclear disaster to Danny, so he said it was time for a talk. And that should have worried me. Danny talks a lot, but he never announces it before.
“You fancy Harry.”
Not a question, a statement.
“I fucking do not fancy him.”
“Dougs, it’s always Harry this and Harry that. You don’t flirt around anymore. You may not know it yet but you do fancy him. And as your friend I tell you … stay away.”
“He’s just my friend, Danny.”
“Still. Stay away. He has a boyfriend.”
Boom!
“What?!”
“Tom told me, him and Gi know the guy.”
“Harry never told me about a boyfriend.”
“Yeah well, maybe ‘boyfriend’s not the right term. They’re on a break kind of thing. Tom said they’ve been knowing each other pretty much their whole life, were together all the way through high school. They wanna get serious, Dougs. Serious as in married.”
“You just said they’re on a break. How can they be on a break and at the same time be engaged?”
“They wanna test out the waters or something, try being single for a while before getting attached for good. I have no idea. You better ask Harry anyways, I’ve already said too much.”
I’ll be honest with you, when I had heard that, it was like a slap in the face. I was angry and confused and god knows what else. And before you think that it had to do something with feelings for Harry that I didn’t want to admit, calm down. It was simply because I had been lied to for months by someone I considered a very good friend, not because the guy I apparently liked had a boyfriend. As I said before, I don’t do secrets and this definitely was a secret.
I met up with Harry a few days after my talk with Danny. I had been thinking about whether or not I should confront him with what I had heard or just wait until he would tell me on his own. In the end I decided on a middle-thing. I would drop hints and just wait until Harry cracked.
Harry had spent a few days with his family and because he had borrowed his car to his sister who had in return crashed it, I had to come pick him up. I had never met Harry’s parents before and once I started the small talk with his mother I came to notice that I was as much a stranger to them as they were strangers to me.
“So dear, you are a friend of our Harry then?” his mother asked while we waited in the living room. Harry was outside in the garden, saying goodbye to the rest of his family.
“Erm, I guess you could say I am, yes. We’ve been knowing each other for a few months, see a lot of each other.”
“Oh do you really? Harry never told us.”
I could feel the smile leaving my face. Harry’s mother could obviously tell. Her face brightened up and she tried to save the situation.
“But he’s always so busy, that boy. I have no idea what he’s up to most of the time. And I mean, which guy in his twenties tells his old mother all about his friends anyway, right? And he’s probably mentioned your name in phonecalls. But I’m not the youngest anymore, start forgetting things.”
I just nodded absent-mindely, letting my eyes travel around the room to hide how uneasy I suddenly felt. I spotted a few photographs on the mantlepiece and walked over to get a closer look at them. There was the usual wedding-picture of Harry’s parents, pictures of first days at school of Harry and his siblings, baby-pictures of children, nieces, nephews, cousins - all that kind of stuff.
And there was this one picture. Harry and a guy. It was more recent, the colours not faded and bleached by the light like on the old pictures. Both were in fancy suits, sitting at a table somewhere outside, smiling widely into the camera.
“Doesn’t he look handsome, wearing a suit?” Harry’s mother asked from beside me, “That was last summer. On a wedding.”
“Who’s the guy?”
“That’s Martin. Harry’s boyfriend. Don’t you know him?”
Despite feeling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach, I forced a polite smile and came up with an answer. “Oh no, I do know him. Well, about him. I’ve never met him.”
“Well, of course. How could you with him being abroad, right? Taking a year off to travel the world, that does require some courage, don’t you think?”
“It does.”
“I wish Harry would’ve gone with him. He would have learned so much. Martin asked, you know. But as usual Harry’s pride came in the way. We would have loved to pay that trip for him but he always insists to do everything on his own.” She sighed. “Even if it means that he has to let go the love of his life.”
I didn’t know what to say about that but thank god I didn’t have to say anything as, right in that moment, Harry entered the room, saying that it was time to go.
Our way home that day was spent in unusual silence. Well, at first it was.
“You alright, Doug?”
“Yeah fine, why?”
“You’ve been so quiet. At my parents’, all day, basically.”
“Nothing to say I guess. And I better keep my focus on the road. I don’t fancy another shredded car, especially not mine.”
“Want me to drive?”
“No, it’s fine.”
It was silent for a few more minutes. But then I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.
“So … Martin, huh?”
Even from the corner of my eye I could see Harry flinch. He cast a careful look at me. “My mum?”
I shook my head. “Danny actually. Just the other day.”
“Danny?”
“Well, Tom. Tom told Danny, Danny told me. Your mum just gave me the details.” I looked at him for a second, seeing that he felt far from comfortable. “You could’ve just told me you’re engaged. It wouldn’t have made a difference.”
“Engaged?”
“Aren’t you? That’s what I’ve been told.”
“Fucking no! We’re not even together anymore. Who told you that rubbish?”
“Danny said that Tom said that you’re on a break. Seeing what it’s like to be single before you tie the knot. Stuff like that.”
“Doug, we don’t even know if we’ll get back together. Yes, we did talk about getting married. I won’t lie to you, I saw myself settling down with Martin, always have. But we’ve never gotten engaged. Which was mainly Martin’s doing.”
“It was?”
“Yeah. He didn’t know what he wanted. One day he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, the next he said he will travel the world to see what he missed out all his life. So he planned it all and sooner than you know he was gone. And we split up. Or … officially, we’re on a break. I think Martin just wanted to be safe, didn’t want to come across as the tosser who left his hubby-to-be. He suggested splitting up for as long as he’s away, then see what happens when he gets back. This way, we can both have our fun in the time being without feeling bad. And in case one of us meets someone and it gets serious, we’ll tell each other so we know what the deal is.”
“But your mum said …”
Harry interrupted. “Martin is the picture perfect son-in-law for my mum. It would’ve broken her heart if I told her we split up. So I told her that Martin wanted to take me with him but that I rejected. Truth is, it never crossed his mind to take me along. But that, of course, I couldn’t tell her. And I can’t exactly tell her about the whole ‘having fun’-part, can I? No mother likes to hear that her son is putting it about. And then, when Martin’s back and him and me get back together, there’s no need to tell my mum anything anyway. And if we don’t get back together, we can always say we’ve grown apart. Stuff like that tends to happen when you’ve not seen each other for a year.”
“Okay, fair enough. I wouldn’t lie about stuff like that but that’s your decision. Still, why haven’t you told me about him? I thought we’re friends.”
“We are.”
“Friends don’t keep things like that from each other.”
“I know but … if I told you that there kind of is someone when we met. Would we be the friends that we are right now?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Because … well, you’re single … you’ve approached me on that party …”
“And I bet that either Tom or Danny or both of them told you that I wouldn’t have done that unless I was interested in you.” I finished for him.
“Pretty much, yes.” Harry admitted shyly, “It was Tom and Gi though. Danny just told me you’re a massive flirt.”
“I’m not that bad. You know what I’m like. I’m outgoing, yes. And I tend to fool around with guys every now and then. But do you see me hanging out with them? I draw the line between friends and … well, shags. Besides, Danny’s not much different, only that he flirts with girls.”
“So you’re not … interested?”
“Not in anything apart from your friendship.”
“Okay. So … we’re alright now?”
“Yeah. Unless there’s a divorce and several children that you kept hidden from me as well.”
Harry laughed a little. “Nope, none of that. I promise.”
“Then we’re alright. But Harry?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m not a fan of secrets. I hate them to be honest.”
“Okay. I’ll remember that.”
After that it was back to normal with Harry and me. We were friends. We were the kind of friends that tell each other everything in a deep conversation before going out to get hammered. We got strange looks because we were so close yet still insisted on being just friends. People warned him to be careful to get involved with me and I’ve been warned to not fall for someone who I couldn’t have. No one seemed to believe that Harry and I were just friends.
But that’s exactly what we were.
Our friendship was true and real.
And then we did something that messed it up.
Harry and I were just spending a few days at the seaside. We both had some stressful weeks at work and decided we just needed some time away from our usual surroundings and get drunk somewhere else for a change.
The first night of us being there, we stuck to our plan. We found a relatively cheap pub and sooner than you know we both were in that pleasant state between tipsy and completely drunk.
I was standing by the bar, watching a few girls on a hen night making complete fools of themselves when suddenly Harry who had just returned from the toilets pressed himself against my back, his voice husky in my ear, his breath tickling me.
“In case anything happens between us this weekend, you wouldn’t tell anyone, would you?”
I turned around to him, not knowing where that suddenly came from.
“What?!”
“If anything happens between you and me this weekend, would you tell anyone?”
“Why, is there a chance of anything happening?”
“You never know.”
I had no idea what to say to that so that’s what I did. I didn’t say anything.
“I mean, think about it.” Harry continued, “If people find out we shagged, I’ll be the one who cheated on my boyfriend and you’ve proven the fact that you indeed shag every living thing around you, friends or enemies or casual aquaintances.”
“It’s not cheating when you’re not actually with someone, you know.”
“To the people we know I am.”
At that I just let out a small, somewhat bitter, laugh. “You know how I feel about secrets, Harry.”
For me, that topic was done with my final statement. I mean, what else was there to say anyway? Harry had been drinking, he couldn’t be serious about what he had said. And besides, if we had wanted to fool around with each other, we already would have done it. Before we became friends.
Only, Harry didn’t seem to be as done with the subject as I was. When we returned to our hotel room in the early hours of the morning and I exited the bathroom after having a shower I found Harry in my bed, under the sheets, apparently just waiting for me to join him.
“Wrong bed, buddy.” I stated in a joking manner.
“I don’t wanna sleep alone.” he replied sleepily.
I laughed lightly. “No more drinking for you, dude.”
And then there was that little voice in the back of my head, telling me to not get into this bed, screaming at me to better sleep in Harry’s bed because it was safer and easier and definitely trouble-free. But then again, what harm could it do? Harry was drunk and tired, what on earth could possibly have happened? He would probably fall asleep right away.
So I got into bed, the same bed as Harry, and settled under the duvet, closing my eyes, waiting for sleep to come over me.
What I didn’t wait for was Harry to snuggle up to my back, holding me close around the waist. But that was exactly what happened.
“You smell good.” Harry whispered against my neck, making me shiver on the inside and the voice in the back of my head only scream at me louder.
“It’s called shower, Harry. You should try it sometime.”
“You look good as well.”
“Right now all you see of me is the back of my head. Not to sound cocky, but almost every part of my body looks better than the back of my head.”
“No, I mean … You look good … always. I can see why people want you.”
At that I turned around to him, inwardly flinching at how close he really was. His eyes were clouded over by something that I have never seen in them before too and I couldn’t help but swallow down a lump that was suddenly blocking my throat.
“What’s going on here, Harry?”
Harry studied my face and then shook his head. “I don’t know.”
And then, just like that, we were kissing. And it was a kiss like none other I had before. Usually, when I kissed someone or someone kissed me, it was clear what it would lead to. Usually I had kisses that spelt sex. But this kiss, the first kiss I shared with Harry, that wasn’t about sex. It was soft and gentle and curious, full of promises, as if we had all the time in the world and not just one night.
It was the perfect kiss. The kiss that everyone secretly waits for all their life.
After a few moments my better judgement kicked in. I didn’t actually want to end whatever was going on but I still pushed Harry away from me. He still hovered above me and looked down at me with a questioning look in his eyes.
“We shouldn’t do this, Harry. It’s just … you’re my friend and … it’ll make things too complicated.”
“Yeah … you’re right.”
Harry rolled off me and laid next to me on his back. What followed were a few moments of silence but I could almost hear the thoughts running through his head, same as he could probably hear mine. And I was quite sure that we both thought something similar anyway.
“This kiss was …” Harry uttered after a while, letting the end of his statement hang in the air.
“Yeah …” I replied.
I turned my head to look at Harry. He was laying on his back, looking up at the ceiling, his chest moving up and down from his still somewhat ragged breathing. I looked at him for maybe ten seconds when he suddenly looked back at me.
And just like that, all our boundaries fell.
Harry was back on top of me in a flash, kissing me again. And this time, there was no question what that kiss would lead to. Our tongues were battling for dominance before our lips even fully touched and needy moans filled the air while both Harry’s and my hands roamed over each other’s bodies and tugged on offending pieces of clothing.
“Wanna fuck you, Doug.” Harry let out while his hips ground heavily into mine, his hard cock brushing against mine.
“Oh god, yes.” was all that I could respond.
And well … that’s what happened. Harry and I slept with each other that night. And by all means, it was amazing. It wasn’t like those usual one-night-stands. Maybe because Harry and I knew each other, I have no idea. It was wild, yet at the same time it was intimate. We were eager to explore each other, still it felt like the night would never end so we had forever and a day. And afterwards there were no awkward silences or empty promises of calling each other. And there wasn’t that atmosphere of ‘Okay, let’s get out of here’.
Long story short, it didn’t feel like a one-night-stand. It felt like something better, something with a meaning. And for the first time, I didn’t mind. I somehow even liked the meaning.
Harry and I fell asleep with each other too. He had his arms securely wrapped around me from behind, his face nuzzled somewhere in my neck, his breath hot on my skin. He fell asleep really quickly but I was laying awake quite some time, savouring the feeling of safety I suddenly had and which I never knew I wanted or even liked.
When I woke up the next morning, I noticed something strange. There were no arms around my waist anymore. Harry’s breath wasn’t there anymore either.
Sleepily I turned around and there was Harry, sitting up in bed, reading.
“Morning.” I mumbled, turning towards him fully, trying to wrap my arms back around him so I could go back to sleep.
Suddenly I felt Harry tense before he wriggled himself out of my grip. I was wide awake in an instant, sitting bolt upright immediately.
“What?” I wondered.
“It shouldn’t have happened, Doug. It was a mistake, a huge mistake.”
He then got out of bed and wordlessly grabbed his washing bag and a towel and got into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. I looked at the door completely baffled, not quite understanding what had just happened. I only knew one thing. I couldn’t stay in this room, I couldn’t be there when Harry would get out of the bathroom.
In a frantic rush I dressed, slipped on my shoes and left the room. Once outside the door, I had no idea where to go though. Being alone seemed like a bad idea as it would only make me think too much but then again … I was in an unfamiliar town, a place where the only person I knew was the same person I just escaped from.
I wandered away from the hotel and just sat at the beach, staring at the sea in front of me, trying not to think, trying to get Harry’s words out of my head. Only, it didn’t work so well.
I don’t know for how long I sat there, staring at the sea, until I felt some sort of presence next to me. I didn’t even need to look up, I knew it was him. Before I could say something an little plastic bag was dropped into the sand next to me. I only cast a short look but I could see a sandwich, something to drink and a packet of cigarettes.
“Figured you might.” Harry said.
Nodding wordlessly, I reached into the bag and pulled out the cigarettes, patting my pockets for a lighter when Harry’s hand appeared at my side, handing me one. I lit the cigarette and took a few drags, ignoring Harry as best as I could.
“You alright?” Harry finally asked, now sitting down next to me.
At this point, I actually turned around to him, just giving him a look. “What do you think?” No point hiding my sarcasm there, either.
“Look Doug … I don’t know what to say …”
“What is there to say?” I interrupted, “You said it all earlier. I was a mistake that shouldn’t have happened.”
Harry shook his head. “I didn’t say that.”
“You slept with me and then told me it shouldn’t have happened and that it was a mistake. You said that to me and correct me if I’m wrong, but if it had been any random bloke those words would never have left your mouth. So all in all … I was the mistake, not what happened.”
“Doug, I …”
“Why did you let it come this far, Harry? You knew all along that it was wrong, why the fuck did you let it happen?”
“It needs two for that, Doug. Don’t put all the blame on me.”
“Why not? I’m not ashamed of the fact that I had sex with you.”
“I’m not ashamed.”
“Then don’t say that it was a mistake. If you had been too bladdered to think straight, then it would’ve been a mistake. But you knew it would happen, Harry. I think you even wanted it to happen. Otherwise you never would’ve asked me if I’d tell anyone. And now that it did happen you regret it.”
“I never said that I regret it.”
“So you don’t regret it and you’re not ashamed. Yet, you wanna erase last night out of your life. Brilliant logic there.”
“Try walking in my shoes, Doug. It’s not as easy for me as it is for you.”
“And whose fault is that? You could have it so easy, Harry. You just need to stop living a fucking lie. You’re single. Single and free to do whatever you want … and whoever you want. There’s no need for you to keep any secrets from anyone. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops but you you also don’t have to keep it a fucking secret that something happened between you and me.”
“Why are you so keen on everyone knowing? Usually you don’t brag about your one-night-stands. What makes sleeping with me so different?”
I didn’t know how to answer to that. Or well … I knew. But I also knew how Harry would react if I told him the honest answer and I also knew I wouldn’t like it. Still, I confessed. Straightforward. Blunt. In.Your.Face.
“Maybe it’s the fact that it wasn’t a one-night-stand this time. At least to me it didn’t feel like one. It was just … it wasn’t just to get off. I fell asleep with you, to the sound of your breathing and I felt taken care of and safe. I just felt, you know. And your reaction this morning and this whole conversation right now made me realise that you don’t feel that way and I just gotta live with it, I guess. And that hurts. Because for the first time I’m actually ready to be part of something but instead I’ve had to hear that I’ve been a mistake and hearing that isn’t that much fun. Epecially not from the one person I want to be something with.”
Harry just looked at me for a moment after this, his expression a mixture of surprise and curiosity. “So you’re … you like me?”
“I do, yes.”
“Then why did you … you should’ve stopped me.”
“I didn’t think it was necessary. Up until last night I thought that if we fooled around with each other, that’s what it would be, just two mates fulfilling their needs. Then we suddenly had sex and everything changed. And now I feel all those things and you don’t feel them and you wanna keep me as your dirty little secret and that’s just all a bit too much for me. I don’t really know what I expected after last night but I definitely know that I didn’t expect this.”
“But Doug, I … Being with you … it would just be … it’d be too messy. Too weird. Too complicated.”
“How do you know? You’re not even giving me, giving this, a chance.”
“We’re not on the same page, Doug. I love you, I really do. But I love you as my best mate. And I … I don’t think that will ever change.”
“So this is why you won’t say anything.”
“What is?”
“You won’t say anything because it wasn’t serious to you. Or not serious enough anyway.”
Harry didn’t answer to that, probably to not hurt me with the truth. But his silence was screaming the answer out louder than he could have ever said it.
I nodded slowly. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry Doug. You have no idea how much. I wish it was different, I really do.”
“It isn’t though, is it?”
Harry shook his head, his face showing he really was sorry. “What now?”
“Moving on.” I said, “Forgetting. Ignoring. Going back to being friends, pretending this last night never happened.”
“Could you … I mean … you’d do that? You hate secrets.”
“I do. Right now more than ever. But I love you, Harry. In whichever way. And I rather keep you and a secret than confess a secret and lose you.”
“And you? How will you cope?”
“With what? Being just your friend?”
Harry nodded.
I shrugged. “I’ll figure out a way. And if it gets too much, I’ll just get you drunk and hope for a repitition of last night.” At this Harry just shot me a shocked look, to which I only smiled. “Joke, Harry.”
He only smiled half a smile to that. “At least now I understand this whole ‘Don’t fuck a team mate.’ thing.”
“‘Never fuck a company member.’. If you so happen to quote me, do it right at least.”
“Whatever. I get it now. Sex is evil.”
“The sex isn’t. It’s evil when two people want two different things and realise that after the sex.”
“Yeah …” Harry trailed off.
We kept sitting in the sand, side by side, for a few more minutes. I had calmed down considerably and I wasn’t mad at Harry or anything. But still …
“Harry?”
He turned his head, looking at me. “Hm?”
“Not to be rude or anything. But could you … I mean … I was just sitting here and you still have the hotel and the rest of the town … Can you leave me alone for a bit?”
“Sure.”
Harry stood back up, brushing the sand off his jeans before he proceeded to move. He walked a few steps back towards the street but suddenly spoke up again.
“Doug?”
I turned around. “Yeah?”
“You’ll come back, right?” Harry asked and from his tone I could tell that he was actually scared that I wouldn’t.
I smiled. “Sure. I didn’t pay my share of the room for nothing.” I paused, letting the joke run out. “I’ll be back later. Just … give me a bit.”
Harry nodded and turned back around, walking back towards the hotel.
I kept sitting by the beach for hours, just thinking. Wondering how things would go on between me and Harry. Questioning myself if I could actually keep a secret, big as this, to myself. And what if I couldn’t? I mean, surely I’d feel the need to talk at some point, right? And then I would have to talk to Harry, him being the only one I could confide in with this subject, as well as him being the subject itself. How could I ever talk to him about my feelings when he knew exactly that said feelings weren’t for some guy, but for him, or because of him?
And, thinking further here, what would be if Harry actually met someone and that someone was worth telling others about? What would it be like when Harry told me he met someone? What if I was going to meet him? I would see Harry kiss him and I know how it felt. I would see Harry touch him and wish that it was me he touched.
Also, Martin would be back eventually. And then? Could I sit back and watch him get Harry back? Could I see them get married even?
God, I hated love. With a passion. I was wishing I would have listened to Danny at least once in my life, only this one time when he told me to stay away. If I concentrated hard enough, I could actually hear a fat ‘I told you so’ in his broad northern accent ringing in my ear.
It was past dinner time when I returned back to the hotel. The whole day had passed without me moving away from the spot I had occupied in the morning. And I had only noticed time had passed when I was starting to get cold because the sun had set.
When I got back into the room, Harry was there. He sat on his bed, watching TV, but jumped up the second I entered the room, dropping the remote to the floor.
“There you are!”
“I told you I’d come back.”
“Didn’t think it would take you all day.”
“Sorry, Mum.” I joked half-heartedly.
I didn’t quite get it, to be honest. After everything that happened he still had the nerve to worry about me. Not like a friend would do, more like a boyfriend would do.
“What you been doing all day?” I asked conversationally, getting a jumper out of my bag and putting it on.
He shrugged. “Nothing really. Wandered about town a bit, had food out, but then came back here. I wanted to be there when you came back.”
“Why?”
“Don’t know. Just … because, I guess.”
“Well, I am back and I’m still in one piece. You can stop worrying.”
“I wasn’t worried. I just … I wanted to be there.” He paused, studying me for a moment. “You feel better?”
“Honestly? No.”
“Doug, I’m -”
I interrupted. “Sorry? Yeah, I know. Apology accepted. But you can’t expect me to go back to the same old within a few hours. I really wish I could, even if just to stop it from hurting so much when I look at you.”
That last statement hit Harry. I knew him well enough to be able to tell. He blinked quickly once or twice, his body twitching just that little bit. It was like an invisible hand had just slapped him out of nowhere.
“Don’t say that.” he said, his voice a little raspy and blocked. He sat back down on his bed, probably to recover from the shock I just gave him. While sitting back down, he had his eyes on me the whole time.
I also sat down on the edge of my bed, right across from him, looking him dead in the eye while I spoke. “But it’s the truth, Harry. Looking at you hurts. Because I look at you and I see and hear all the things that happened inside this room last night. And at the same time I know that it’s all I’ll have from now on. You’re everything I want and at the same time everything that I can’t have and I somehow have to look past that and be friends with you. Because besides all the shit that has happened, you are my friend and I just can’t let you get out of my life because of something like love. But still, right now, I look at you and it hurts.”
“What do you want me to do, Doug? I don’t want you to be hurt so tell me what I can do.”
I sighed, thinking about an answer to that one. I didn’t want to be hurt either. If I permanently felt like I felt on that day, I couldn’t handle being hurt longer than a week. And I knew how Harry could make me feel better, but what would make me feel better, it would make him feel worse.
“Be normal, I guess. I can’t force you to love me, right? So you’ll be you, I’ll be me and we’ll get this thing over with.”
“You mean …”
“Friends, Harry. That’s all we can be. We know how to be friends with each other, we’ve been friends for months before … that. So let’s just get back to how it was and ignore everything else. That’s the only thing we can do.”
“But … I mean … there’ll always be the feeling of ‘what if’, don’t you think?”
“Of course it’ll be there. It’ll be there every time we so much as look at each other, every time we touch just fleetingly. But we either give in to it or not. Nothing inbetween. So … what will it be?”
“What, you want me to decide now?”
“Well, when the fuck else?”
“But … I can’t. Not now when it’s all so … it’s still so fresh. I need to think about this first. I don’t want to say ‘no’ now and mean ‘yes’ next week or the other way round.”
“Why is that suddenly such a problem for you? This morning you knew perfectly well that you didn’t want to be with me.”
“I know but … This morning you said that I never would have asked you to keep last night a secret if I hadn’t meant for it to happen, remember? And I’ve been thinking that you had a point there. Maybe I did want to be with you as well and I just got scared after waking up. You know, scared of being with you in an actual relationship, of telling others about it, of telling Martin and my family about it. And maybe that’s why I told you it’s been a mistake. Maybe I just thought it was a mistake. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe you and me and last night were just the way it was supposed to be.”
I groaned, not believing that all this really happened. I had just started getting used to not be able to have Harry, just got it into my head that being his friend was something too, better than not being anything in his life at all, and here he goes and changes his mind or what?
I got off my bed and made the step over to his, sitting down next to him. Not touching him but still, I was close.
“Maybe or definitely? I know this kills Harry, but you have to make a decision. Yes or no, there is no maybe.”
Harry didn’t reply. He slumped back until he was leaning against the wall, staring into space. He opened his mouth a few times, as if to say something, but then closed it again, taking a deep breath. Finally, after a few agonizing minutes, he looked back at me and spoke. He sounded calm and collected but there was also heartbreak clearly sounding through.
“I can’t, Doug.” He paused. “There is a part of me that wants to find out how it would be but I just can’t give in. There’s just too much that I could lose if this goes wrong. And I don’t mean Martin or my family or whoever else. I mean you and only you. I already messed up so much last night and I think if it happened again, neither you nor me would be able to fix it again. I was so close to losing you today and I just can’t risk something like that again and losing you for real next time. You mean the world to me, Doug, and even if it kills me, I can’t be with you. I’m too scared of losing you.”
There it was, the answer that I had been dreading, even though I knew that he would decide like that. That’s where it helped just knowing Harry better than he probably knew himself. We weren’t different in so many ways but if there was one thing where we indeed were different, it was in the way we made decisions. I was the one deciding from my gut feeling, he was the one listening to his head.
I have to admit it hurt, though. Even though I knew I had it coming, it hurt a lot. But at the same time I only loved Harry more because here he was, not doing what he probably wanted to do in fear of losing me and destroying our friendship.
“God, we’re a fucked up pair, the two of us.” I mumbled.
“Yeah.” Harry sighed. “Hey Doug?”
“Hm?”
“Just so you know … Last night … I really don’t regret it. It was too amazing to regret it and I’m not just saying that.”
“Thanks. And … you know, likewise. I might have regretted a few of my one-nighters but I’ll never regret the one I had with you.”
“Shame we’ll have to keep silent about it, though. We really could show off with it.”
I grinned. “Nah, everyone else would just be jealous. Better keep it a secret.”
Silence fell upon us after that, just our breathing filling the air in the room.
“You’re going to make someone really happy one day.” Harry said after a good five minutes.
I scooted back on the bed, until I was leaning against the wall, just like him. “You think?”
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “I will hate him.”
“As my friend you’ll need to put him through the test though, see if he’s good enough for me.”
“Well, in that case, I’m sorry. You’re gonna be single for the rest of your life.”
“Makes two of us then. Sorry to say but no one will be able to meet my standards. Danny doesn’t even introduce me to his girls anymore because I always find something I hate about them. And just you wait til Martin gets back. He won’t know what hit him after I’ve been through with him.”
“You wanna meet him?”
“Actually … no, I don’t. I can’t see myself meeting anyone that could be worth your time. It’d hurt too much.”
“I know. I couldn’t meet anyone you go out with either.” He sighed. “You think it’ll ever stop?”
“To hurt?”
Harry nodded.
“I hope so. I hate this, I really do. I wish I could just close my eyes and count to ten, then open them up again and we’re friends again. You know, like we were before last night even though last night happened. Make it seem we were two different people last night and are just Harry and Dougie again now. That way we could have our friendship and last night, not our friendship or last night.”
“That’d be perfect.” He paused. “Wanna try?”
“Try what?”
“Close our eyes and count to ten.”
“Aren’t we a little too old to believe that stuff like that actually works?”
“Maybe. But … what could it hurt?”
Smiling lightly, I shrugged. “Okay.”
We both looked deeply into each other’s eyes before closing them. Then all I heard was Harry’s breathing and I think I stopped counting after two or three.
“Done.” Harry said after a while, way longer than it would have taken him to count to ten.
We opened our eyes again, immediately setting our focus back on each other.
I was the first to voice my thoughts. “Didn’t work. I told you.”
“Was worth the try.” Harry uttered.
We kept sitting on the bed, both not looking at each other anymore. I think if I had, I would have just forgotten about all the things we agreed on and jump Harry again. Something that probably wasn’t that good of an idea. I brought my feet up on the mattress, my thighs almost touching my chest. I started fiddling with my bracelets before, subconsiously, I started to bite my nails.
Suddenly, Harry grabbed for my hand and held it tightly in his, stating, “You know I hate it when you do that.”
“Sorry.” I apologised shyly.
“What goes on in that head of yours? Right now.”
“Too much shit.”
“What exactly?”
“Honestly?”
He nodded, waiting for me to tell him.
“I think it sucks that we have this stupid agreement to be friends. Because there’s something I’d really like to do now but I can’t do it, because that thing I have in mind, you normally don’t do it with a friend.”
“What is it?”
I looked back at him again, squeezing his hand that little bit tighter, holding it in mine more so he couldn’t run away.
“I want to kiss you.”
“Doug -”
“I know. That was inapropriate. Sorry. You wanted to know, though.”
“That’s not what I meant. I wouldn’t stop you if you kissed me, actually. But I’m not going to be the one leaning in. I’m not going to be the one starting it. Not again. If you wanna do it, do it. But you have to start it and be aware that it’ll be the last time. Ever.”
“You’re a fucking bastard, I hope you know that.”
We fell silent, again. But I barely noticed the silence over the mess that was going through my head right then. I really wanted to kiss Harry again. I didn’t want sex or anything, I just wanted to kiss him for hours and hours. But I knew of the effects of Harry’s kisses, for one. They were addictive. And I knew that, if we went there again, even if it was just kissing, it would hurt a million times more when we stopped than it hurt this morning. Would I be able to kiss Harry again, knowing that every second of it could be the last, that every kiss could be the kiss goodbye?
I continued, sitting there on the bed, staring at my legs in front of me. Harry still held onto my hand and I could feel his eyes on me from time to time. He could tell I was troubled, which was probably the main reason why he hadn’t let go of my hand. Him holding my hand was him supporting me. He was being a friend again.
I think it was that what made me understand. Whatever I would end up doing, Harry was still going to be there in the end. At the end of the day he would hold my hand. Support me. Be my friend.
“Oh fuck it!”
It took me the whole of two seconds to move over and straddle Harry’s legs and press my lips onto his.
Harry took no time in responding. He let go of my hand and wound his arms around my waist, holding me close to his body while our liplock remained.
We had this perfect kiss. Again.
My heart was racing and at the same time breaking inside my chest but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop even though every second was more painful than the one before.
At some point I felt my legs go numb from the straddling position I had on Harry’s lap so I gently pushed him to lay down, my lips still never leaving his. Even though I knew I should have, I had no intention to stop this kiss, too scared of the second when everything would be over for good.
Still, the dreaded moment arrived at some point. I felt Harry gently cup my face, breaking the two of us apart.
“Give me a minute to breathe, will you?”
I shook my head, resting my forehead against his, my lips ghosting across his while I whispered, “Breathing is overrated.”
“That’d look nice on a tombstone. ‘Here lies Harry Judd, beloved son, brother and friend. He died at the age of 24 after he was made to believe that ‘breathing is overrated’.”
Despite not wanting to, I giggled. I settled down at Harry’s side, his arm securely around my back while I had mine wrapped around his middle.
“What time is it?” I wondered.
Harry reached over to his bedside table, fumbling for his watch. He looked at it before putting it back down. “Just gone ten. Wanna head over to the pub, get a few drinks in?”
“Better not. I fear to think what could happen. Let’s just keep laying here, yeah?”
“Okay, fine.”
Harry got more comfortable in his position, still holding me close, his fingers now tracing lazy patterns on my arm that I had still wrapped around his waist.
“It’s over now, isn’t it?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer, knew it before I had even brought up the question.
“Only this is.” Harry replied, “We’re still friends.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course! I never would not want to be your friend. I couldn’t not be your friend. No one else I know can match up to me when it comes to drinking.”
“Danny could. Easily actually.”
“He might but I barely understand his accent when he’s sober, nevermind when he’s drunk.”
I smiled. “You’re awesome, Harry.”
“I know. But thanks anyway.”
For the rest of the evening, and most part of the night, Harry and I stayed in our position on the bed, talking about anything and everything. Just like we used to.
I remember that, before I fell asleep, Harry already sleeping next to me, I thought if it would always be like that, being friends with Harry might not be as painful as I thought it would be.
But then we eventually came back home.
Suddenly everything was so weird. Nothing between Harry and me had changed, yet everything was so different all of a sudden.
The secret was hanging above us.
Harry and I were still the friends we were before we went on our little holiday. When we were among others, we were this seemingly unbreakable pair that everyone knew. We threw friendly insults at each other like nicknames and made each other’s jokes even funnier.
But then there were those looks we shared, when no one else was looking or when it was just the two of us, and it was then that I could almost feel the fire flickering between us. And there were those touches that were a tad too familiar and too lingering and I always had to pull back to prevent me from doing something stupid. I had to keep the secret. I had to keep myself in check. I had to push the love away. Ignore it. Forget it.
Harry and I never spoke about the night we had again, not even when we were alone. I thought of it a lot and I could tell from the look on his face that he did too. But still, thinking - remembering - was all we did. Speaking about it would only make it appear at the surface again and we both knew that, once that would happen, we would never be able to push it back to our memories again.
And eventually, we both crossed the final line that made us friends again.
We let other people get into our lives again.
Harry was casually dating around. That’s all I knew about it. I refused to hear about it, each and every time. I never knew a name or anything else, never met anyone or even saw a face. I knew that Harry went out with someone and that was about as far as it went. Knowing that was bad enough, but anything else would have killed me.
Mind, Martin never came back into Harry’s life. One day Harry had gotten The Call. Martin told him he had met someone, that he was getting serious with them. Harry wasn’t even surprised. Also, that saved him from telling Martin that he wouldn’t get back together with him even though there wasn’t anyone else in the picture.
I got back into old antics too easily, never seemed to have forgotten all my old tricks. I chatted up people like I never did anything else. I had a few hours in a foreign bed and then left before the sun came up the next morning. Harry never wanted to hear a word of it, never threw a look in my direction when I spoke to a potential one-nighter.
Harry Judd is still my best friend. I see him almost every day and we still go out with each other at any chance we get. People look at us in awe, wonder how we can be so close without having the slightest bit of sexual attraction between us. They have no idea, which only proves that I’m probably better at keeping a secret than I thought I was.
Harry and I have sleepovers quite often. Going home together after a night out. Visiting one another after we’ve been with someone who doesn’t mean anything to either of us. Stay at each other’s because we can’t be arsed with getting a taxi home. We always sleep in one bed in those nights, holding onto each other so tightly that you couldn’t fit a sheet of paper in between us.
We’ve never even kissed again. One kiss and it would throw both him and me into something we probably couldn’t handle, something that would only destroy our friendship and that was something that the both of us weren’t going to risk.
So, after all this, nothing really changed. Everything is still the same, I suppose.
Besides that I have a secret. And that I have fallen in love. Both for the first and last time in my life.
The End
Comments are appreciated.
A/N 2: Without sounding too full of myself but I think this … I really wish I could, even if just to stop it from hurting so much when I look at you. … is probably one of the most amazing lines I ever wrote. I read over the story about a million times and even after the million and first time, this line made me shiver.
A/N 3: Would anyone here be kind enough to upload all those new mcfly-songs that have been flooding around for me? I have 'One for the radio' but I do believe that there are about a million others around.