(no subject)
I am not completely sure where I am right now. I am trying to listen to God but I feel I have a lot of fear and emotions that are trying to shut me down. I am afraid to let myself have any thought of loving him in a romantic way.I feel like so far he has showed me he loves me for me but do I buy it. I'm not sure yet because I am afraid to believe it. I feel like no one has ever really fought for me except Michelle. I don't know what is to be loved truly by a guy for me. I have always been told yeah I love you but then they just use me and leave. If he does love me for who I am that scares me to because I don't know what that looks like, what to expect or how to receive it. Why can't I just be happy and receive how he cares.I see his heart but I seem to expect more because my flesh tells me it's not enough or not the right way. I want to be loved a lot. I want to be loved because he loves me though not just because he feels he has to make me happy. I also don't want him to feel like he has to meet my expectations because I want him to listen to God. I want to know he care regardless of how much he show me love, physically that is. Physical touch is how i feel loved the most. I want to be able to trust his heart and I want him to trust mine. If I can only feel loved with a person when they are hugging me ect. then I won't really feel fought for and be able to feel really loved all the time. It scares me because I feel like he's only seen a small portion of my heart. I'm scared if he sees all the hurt and junk he might leave like everyone else. I feel like he cares and is someone that is obedient and willing to walk with the body. He also very gentle and loving. So what is wrong with me? Why can't I just trust and stop worrying about my wounds when they come up. Love you all, XO