Until we meet again, until then, goodbye.
Said goodbye to Mom-Mom today. Of course I woke up dreading it, exactly as I had this time two years ago when Grandpop died, but I knew it would hurt so much more this time around because Pop-Pop was so absolutely devestated and heartbroken. Not to mention my Uncle Mike had stopped at his house yesterday and opened up a whole new can of worms. For those who don't know, he's my dad's estranged brother who had a huge falling out with my grandparents over 15 years ago, and Mom-Mom has never forgiven him for it. Well, he came over yesterday, after she'd already passed, and tried to reconnect with Pop. But he kept calling her "your wife" instead of "Mom" and didn't even offer his condolences, but instead had the nerve to ask for a drink stronger than the beer in the fridge and said to Pop, "You know, your wife was no saint," trying to defend himself and make her out to be guilty. Well, my cousin Michelle, Mike's daughter, who was pretty much raised by my grandparents and is like a daughter to Pop (not to mention just went through a nasty divorce after her husband cheated on her), was in tears and so was Pop because he was so upset that all of this was happening now. I'd gone down there to have dinner with the family after camp, but after seeing Pop crying, I cried too and couldn't take it anymore, so I told my dad I didn't want to be there for that and I tried to leave, but wound up sitting in my car for a few minutes bawling and then my dad came out as my uncle was leaving, yelled a few choice words at him in the yard, and Mike sped off down the street without a word back to him. Then my dad begged me to come back inside to have dinner with everyone and I did, and Michelle was in tears on my Uncle Rod's shoulder, and it broke me down. Most of us think Mike had been drinking, but I honestly don't give a shit about him anymore. I really don't. How could someone have the balls to bring all that shit up again at a time like this?
So anyway, today we went to the church early, around 8. I knew my dad was having a rough time, and this from a man with such a rough exterior that all of my friends are afraid of him. It hurt a lot. We waited at the church and met up with my dad's other brother Rod and his family, and a good friend of the family's who knew Mom-Mom well, and all there was to do was wait. I was fine for the most part, but then my Pop-Pop showed up looking his best but undoubtedly feeling his worst, and I cried, and continued to cry when I saw the casket for the first time as the guys brought it into the church. I just wanted to be able to give him all the happiness and comfort in the world, and it struck me that one person could love another person so much in the world to be so heartbroken at their loss.
Well, I'd never been to a viewing before in my life, since my grandfather was cremated, so it was a completely new experience for me. Mom-Mom really looked beautiful. And more importantly, happy. In my head I knew that was just the handiwork of the funeral home, but in my heart I knew that she wasn't in pain and was finally home, and I don't mean in her house on 615 Barlow Avenue. When Pop saw the casket, he fell to his knees and absolutely lost it, and so did Michelle, and consequently so did the rest of us. It was so heartbreaking. Then I saw my 25-year-old cousin, R.J., crying for the first time with my Uncle Rod and it hurt even more. By the time I got up there, I just said my silent prayers and moved on, and cried with my brother. I wasn't even sad anymore that she had left, because of course I miss her but she was in so much pain here and she hated hospitals....It was seeing my family breaking down in front of me, especially all boys who don't show emotion, that really got me today. When they closed the casket, I knew my grandfather was aching, knowing he would never see her again...at least until he leaves this world, anyway.
I don't particularly care for Catholic services, but this one was very nice and just how Mom-Mom would have wanted it. I sat with my brother and R.J. and my cousin Joe, R.J.'s brother. The priest told stories of how good at making ceramics she was and how much she loved playing Nintendo and how she dumped another Navy man to date Pop-Pop and most of all how she loved her family. For the first time I felt like it would be okay. I was all right for most of the service, and there were times when R.J. was crying next to me and I could see Pop and Michelle crying together that really got to me, but for the most part, I'd made my peace that morning after I saw her one last time.
The cemetery was rough. The funeral home people had found a song by Randy Travis to play before she was buried, because she liked listening to country music so much. It was beautiful, just like the plot of land where she lies now, and where my grandfather and Michelle will lie someday, too, right next to her. They gave us roses to place on the casket, and I still had more tears in me as Pop leaned on top of the casket, saying his final goodbyes. I knew he never wanted to leave her side. I think he wishes he went with her. I knew he didn't want to let her casket and her grave out of his sight.
Leaving the cemetery, I said another prayer as I watched her grave go by in the window, and knew that everything had gone exactly how she wanted it. Pop thought so, too, he told me later. He sniffed a rose the funeral home people had given him to take with him, wanting it to be her he was holding instead.
Michelle had everyone over her house, and Pop was having a rough time for a while, until we finally made him eat. Eventually Michelle gave him a glass of wine to calm him down, and he wound up having two, so I think he was feeling okay by the time we left. The good thing was he loved the service and said it had been perfect, exactly how Mom-Mom would have wanted, and despite all the sadness of the day, we did have two new lives just starting there, my cousin Kristy's daughter, Kaylin, and my cousin Brandy's son, Roman, both 4 months old.
So all in all, I guess I'm okay. The service really helped me be at peace with the whole thing, and I think as much as he's still hurting, it did for my grandfather as well. It's amazing how God can have that effect, and can immediately start the healing process. The hard part now will be keeping him occupied so he doesn't think too much about how alone he is. He's so humble, and kept thanking us for all we did for him. I think that's what really hit home for him today. I know he'll eventually be okay, but it's going to be rough for him and my dad and his brother for a while. For all of us.
Like Sharon told me once, God doesn't promise easy. He promises worthwhile. Mom-Mom died just before their 59th wedding anniversary, so they had almost 60 years together, and they had good lives and good children and grandchildren together, despite all the crap from Mike. Sorry for depressing you, but after writing about this, I feel ten times better. So, know that I am okay, and that I'll be myself again soon. I'm just completely drained of energy and need to get my strength back. And thank you all for your well-wishes. Losing 2 grandparents in less than 2 years has been more pain than I ever want to experience again in my life, but God doesn't promise easy, does He?
"Afterglow"
I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun
of happy memories that I leave behind when life is done.
<3
So anyway, today we went to the church early, around 8. I knew my dad was having a rough time, and this from a man with such a rough exterior that all of my friends are afraid of him. It hurt a lot. We waited at the church and met up with my dad's other brother Rod and his family, and a good friend of the family's who knew Mom-Mom well, and all there was to do was wait. I was fine for the most part, but then my Pop-Pop showed up looking his best but undoubtedly feeling his worst, and I cried, and continued to cry when I saw the casket for the first time as the guys brought it into the church. I just wanted to be able to give him all the happiness and comfort in the world, and it struck me that one person could love another person so much in the world to be so heartbroken at their loss.
Well, I'd never been to a viewing before in my life, since my grandfather was cremated, so it was a completely new experience for me. Mom-Mom really looked beautiful. And more importantly, happy. In my head I knew that was just the handiwork of the funeral home, but in my heart I knew that she wasn't in pain and was finally home, and I don't mean in her house on 615 Barlow Avenue. When Pop saw the casket, he fell to his knees and absolutely lost it, and so did Michelle, and consequently so did the rest of us. It was so heartbreaking. Then I saw my 25-year-old cousin, R.J., crying for the first time with my Uncle Rod and it hurt even more. By the time I got up there, I just said my silent prayers and moved on, and cried with my brother. I wasn't even sad anymore that she had left, because of course I miss her but she was in so much pain here and she hated hospitals....It was seeing my family breaking down in front of me, especially all boys who don't show emotion, that really got me today. When they closed the casket, I knew my grandfather was aching, knowing he would never see her again...at least until he leaves this world, anyway.
I don't particularly care for Catholic services, but this one was very nice and just how Mom-Mom would have wanted it. I sat with my brother and R.J. and my cousin Joe, R.J.'s brother. The priest told stories of how good at making ceramics she was and how much she loved playing Nintendo and how she dumped another Navy man to date Pop-Pop and most of all how she loved her family. For the first time I felt like it would be okay. I was all right for most of the service, and there were times when R.J. was crying next to me and I could see Pop and Michelle crying together that really got to me, but for the most part, I'd made my peace that morning after I saw her one last time.
The cemetery was rough. The funeral home people had found a song by Randy Travis to play before she was buried, because she liked listening to country music so much. It was beautiful, just like the plot of land where she lies now, and where my grandfather and Michelle will lie someday, too, right next to her. They gave us roses to place on the casket, and I still had more tears in me as Pop leaned on top of the casket, saying his final goodbyes. I knew he never wanted to leave her side. I think he wishes he went with her. I knew he didn't want to let her casket and her grave out of his sight.
Leaving the cemetery, I said another prayer as I watched her grave go by in the window, and knew that everything had gone exactly how she wanted it. Pop thought so, too, he told me later. He sniffed a rose the funeral home people had given him to take with him, wanting it to be her he was holding instead.
Michelle had everyone over her house, and Pop was having a rough time for a while, until we finally made him eat. Eventually Michelle gave him a glass of wine to calm him down, and he wound up having two, so I think he was feeling okay by the time we left. The good thing was he loved the service and said it had been perfect, exactly how Mom-Mom would have wanted, and despite all the sadness of the day, we did have two new lives just starting there, my cousin Kristy's daughter, Kaylin, and my cousin Brandy's son, Roman, both 4 months old.
So all in all, I guess I'm okay. The service really helped me be at peace with the whole thing, and I think as much as he's still hurting, it did for my grandfather as well. It's amazing how God can have that effect, and can immediately start the healing process. The hard part now will be keeping him occupied so he doesn't think too much about how alone he is. He's so humble, and kept thanking us for all we did for him. I think that's what really hit home for him today. I know he'll eventually be okay, but it's going to be rough for him and my dad and his brother for a while. For all of us.
Like Sharon told me once, God doesn't promise easy. He promises worthwhile. Mom-Mom died just before their 59th wedding anniversary, so they had almost 60 years together, and they had good lives and good children and grandchildren together, despite all the crap from Mike. Sorry for depressing you, but after writing about this, I feel ten times better. So, know that I am okay, and that I'll be myself again soon. I'm just completely drained of energy and need to get my strength back. And thank you all for your well-wishes. Losing 2 grandparents in less than 2 years has been more pain than I ever want to experience again in my life, but God doesn't promise easy, does He?
"Afterglow"
I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun
of happy memories that I leave behind when life is done.
<3