Musings on Christmas music
I'm coming up on my third anniversary as a Pagan.
I found paganism right around my 20th birthday, and had my very first ritual for Yule that year. And it's very interesting now to look back on my relationship with Christmas, and most particularly its music, over the past three years.
That first year, I didn't care about Christmas one way or the other, really, because I was so excited about this new thing and the magick and gods that I didn't notice Christmas.
The next year, I was still in pretty rocky conversion mode, and so Christmas music made me want to convert back. It was hard to hear the music so associated with the most important holiday of the religion of my childhood, music I have so many memories attached to, and not feel like I was doing the wrong thing. It made me feel guilty to enjoy singing my favorite Christmas him "Angels we have heard on high" and not to believe in Jesus anymore, or at least not in the same capacity.
Last year, my relationship with Christianity was even more complicated. I was over it, past wanting to convert back, and sure of my new beliefs. But I wasn't over being angry at Christianity for everything. For not being the religion I wanted. For being the religion my parents and other people wanted for me. For its doctrines that are so opposed to some of the things I now believe. For its followers who are terrible people. Last Christmas I had an epiphany that I just wasn't one of Jehovah's chosen ones, I was one of Freyja's. Odin got mad at me for going to church with Davin. Last year I finally made a break from Christmas. But I couldn't enjoy the music because I was so upset at it for being attached to a part of me and my history that I couldn't access anymore. It was just irritating jingles and over-the-top music about this savior and how his birth is SO important that there is an entire religion based around it. And still a part of me felt like the music was yelling at me that I was wrong, that I had left.
This year, Christmas music kind of makes me feel nostalgic. I am finding I don't mind listening to it at all as much as I have before. My interest in converting back isn't the least bit piqued by singing along to songs about Jesus. On the other hand, I find I really have no interest in listening to the more religious ones. My new favorite is "Winter Wonderland" because I feel like it more accurately conveys the way that Yuletide feels to me now, and what it's about. It's not about "our Dear Savior's birth." Because really, what do Christmas trees and snow and jingly music and commercialism and cinnamony flavors have to do with a single birth? No, this holiday is about the joy that can be found even in the frigidity of winter. My religion becomes so much more real to me in the winter. We all return indoors and spend more time with our families because running around outside and walking through the woods and sitting in a waterfall are no longer practical. I like Winter Wonderland because it's about finding joy in people the way I do at this time of year. "Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire, to face unafraid the plans that we've made, walking in a winter wonderland." It's a time of the year to think about what we want to do with our lives, to be able to face it instead of meandering around in the beautiful summery weather. Plus, I like that some of the songs have taken on a new meaning from the Yule/Allfather situation, and I like to look for that.
Christmas music no longer bothers me or makes me feel insecure or guilty. These days, listening to it is like listening to the music I listened to when I was in middle school. It's a lovely reminder of a time when I was younger, less sure who I was, when I listened to other people more instead of finding myself. It reminds me of times long gone, of a me who is no more. But I no longer want to be that person again. I want to be the new me, who can look for clues of her gods in music that has forgotten them for a millenium. Who can move past the naiveties of my childhood and look to my future stronger and more sure of myself.
I've been a pagan for three years now. And while I have my problems with it--I wish there was more of a community, I wish I didn't have to be afraid to admit it to people in fear that they'll think I'm a satanist or that I sacrifice babies, and I wish that fewer Heathens were racists as the main ones--I wouldn't trade my religion for anything because it has given me everything.
I found paganism right around my 20th birthday, and had my very first ritual for Yule that year. And it's very interesting now to look back on my relationship with Christmas, and most particularly its music, over the past three years.
That first year, I didn't care about Christmas one way or the other, really, because I was so excited about this new thing and the magick and gods that I didn't notice Christmas.
The next year, I was still in pretty rocky conversion mode, and so Christmas music made me want to convert back. It was hard to hear the music so associated with the most important holiday of the religion of my childhood, music I have so many memories attached to, and not feel like I was doing the wrong thing. It made me feel guilty to enjoy singing my favorite Christmas him "Angels we have heard on high" and not to believe in Jesus anymore, or at least not in the same capacity.
Last year, my relationship with Christianity was even more complicated. I was over it, past wanting to convert back, and sure of my new beliefs. But I wasn't over being angry at Christianity for everything. For not being the religion I wanted. For being the religion my parents and other people wanted for me. For its doctrines that are so opposed to some of the things I now believe. For its followers who are terrible people. Last Christmas I had an epiphany that I just wasn't one of Jehovah's chosen ones, I was one of Freyja's. Odin got mad at me for going to church with Davin. Last year I finally made a break from Christmas. But I couldn't enjoy the music because I was so upset at it for being attached to a part of me and my history that I couldn't access anymore. It was just irritating jingles and over-the-top music about this savior and how his birth is SO important that there is an entire religion based around it. And still a part of me felt like the music was yelling at me that I was wrong, that I had left.
This year, Christmas music kind of makes me feel nostalgic. I am finding I don't mind listening to it at all as much as I have before. My interest in converting back isn't the least bit piqued by singing along to songs about Jesus. On the other hand, I find I really have no interest in listening to the more religious ones. My new favorite is "Winter Wonderland" because I feel like it more accurately conveys the way that Yuletide feels to me now, and what it's about. It's not about "our Dear Savior's birth." Because really, what do Christmas trees and snow and jingly music and commercialism and cinnamony flavors have to do with a single birth? No, this holiday is about the joy that can be found even in the frigidity of winter. My religion becomes so much more real to me in the winter. We all return indoors and spend more time with our families because running around outside and walking through the woods and sitting in a waterfall are no longer practical. I like Winter Wonderland because it's about finding joy in people the way I do at this time of year. "Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire, to face unafraid the plans that we've made, walking in a winter wonderland." It's a time of the year to think about what we want to do with our lives, to be able to face it instead of meandering around in the beautiful summery weather. Plus, I like that some of the songs have taken on a new meaning from the Yule/Allfather situation, and I like to look for that.
Christmas music no longer bothers me or makes me feel insecure or guilty. These days, listening to it is like listening to the music I listened to when I was in middle school. It's a lovely reminder of a time when I was younger, less sure who I was, when I listened to other people more instead of finding myself. It reminds me of times long gone, of a me who is no more. But I no longer want to be that person again. I want to be the new me, who can look for clues of her gods in music that has forgotten them for a millenium. Who can move past the naiveties of my childhood and look to my future stronger and more sure of myself.
I've been a pagan for three years now. And while I have my problems with it--I wish there was more of a community, I wish I didn't have to be afraid to admit it to people in fear that they'll think I'm a satanist or that I sacrifice babies, and I wish that fewer Heathens were racists as the main ones--I wouldn't trade my religion for anything because it has given me everything.