Revised Christmas List
The following events originally occured approximately one month ago.
once upon a time, many many hours ago, it all began on a tuesday night. as per my normal routine, i was taking an unusually long shower, which, i tend to do because i dont necessarily everday. many things have to be accomplished in the shower from time to time, such as, but not limited to, the following, in chronological order: rinsing, singing, shampooing, the washing of the body with Dusch Das (only the best german body wash), occasionally shampooing again, sometimes urinating (yeah, i pee in the shower sometimes, wanna fight about it?), always shaving (the nether-regions, not the face, dummies), and, until last july, occasional masturbation. on this particular tuesday, only a select few of those actions were performed. so, as per my normal routine, i was sitting in the tub, with the shower on, contemplating many things which may or may not include, moving to another state, getting into a school, touring, the new converge cd, why my brother is an asshole, why there is nothing to eat in my kitchen, what is the best way to comb a beard, and other things of that nature. when the contemplation had concluded, i came to the decision it was time to arise and turned towards the shower curtain. as i was shifting my weight upwards in a standing motion, my foot which was perpendicular to the side of the tub caught the slope and slipped backwards pushing my center of gravity forwards at an offensive angle i was none too pleased with. thinking to myself 'bollocks!' i instinctively put my arms forward in the fleeting hope that somehow, the .02 inch thick polyvinyl material otherwise known as my shower curtain with a mercater projection (i hate mercater projections and their inaccurate portrayal of the relative size of northernly and southernly countires such as Greenland, Canada, Russia, and Antarctica, but subsequently love my mother for getting me a shower curtain of the world for christmas last year, which is one of the only things i wanted and now, one of my favorite items in my possesion) of the world would break my inevitable fall. as this horrible chain of events played out much to my chagrin, i found myself flailing, head over heels, very much nude, slumped over the edge of the bathtub, the shower curtain out of the tub, water spraying all over the tile, shampoo and body wash bottles flying in every which-way causing quite a calamitous racket. as i lifted my temporarily lifeless body off the ground i was dismayed to find two large bruises, one on my hip and the other on my left knee, of which both areas absorbed the brunt of the fall of my 130-pound frame. i decided it would be for the best if i sat back down and recited some soothing music like misery signals back to myself in an attempt to recover for a brief moment, at least mentally, in any case. whilst my body and soul were being healed by the relaxing heat of the cascading water - a knock on my bathroom door. 'Drock!?' i hear. 'Drock, are you alright?' queries one of my best friends, Scott after hearing the cacauphony of noise caused by my viscious haphazard spill. 'Yeah,' i respond meekly. 'i fell in the shower...' 'you're alright though?' 'yes,' i reply. many minutes later, i emerge from that watery grave with a new outlook on life, a new hope, and a revised christmas list:
rubber bath mat.
once upon a time, many many hours ago, it all began on a tuesday night. as per my normal routine, i was taking an unusually long shower, which, i tend to do because i dont necessarily everday. many things have to be accomplished in the shower from time to time, such as, but not limited to, the following, in chronological order: rinsing, singing, shampooing, the washing of the body with Dusch Das (only the best german body wash), occasionally shampooing again, sometimes urinating (yeah, i pee in the shower sometimes, wanna fight about it?), always shaving (the nether-regions, not the face, dummies), and, until last july, occasional masturbation. on this particular tuesday, only a select few of those actions were performed. so, as per my normal routine, i was sitting in the tub, with the shower on, contemplating many things which may or may not include, moving to another state, getting into a school, touring, the new converge cd, why my brother is an asshole, why there is nothing to eat in my kitchen, what is the best way to comb a beard, and other things of that nature. when the contemplation had concluded, i came to the decision it was time to arise and turned towards the shower curtain. as i was shifting my weight upwards in a standing motion, my foot which was perpendicular to the side of the tub caught the slope and slipped backwards pushing my center of gravity forwards at an offensive angle i was none too pleased with. thinking to myself 'bollocks!' i instinctively put my arms forward in the fleeting hope that somehow, the .02 inch thick polyvinyl material otherwise known as my shower curtain with a mercater projection (i hate mercater projections and their inaccurate portrayal of the relative size of northernly and southernly countires such as Greenland, Canada, Russia, and Antarctica, but subsequently love my mother for getting me a shower curtain of the world for christmas last year, which is one of the only things i wanted and now, one of my favorite items in my possesion) of the world would break my inevitable fall. as this horrible chain of events played out much to my chagrin, i found myself flailing, head over heels, very much nude, slumped over the edge of the bathtub, the shower curtain out of the tub, water spraying all over the tile, shampoo and body wash bottles flying in every which-way causing quite a calamitous racket. as i lifted my temporarily lifeless body off the ground i was dismayed to find two large bruises, one on my hip and the other on my left knee, of which both areas absorbed the brunt of the fall of my 130-pound frame. i decided it would be for the best if i sat back down and recited some soothing music like misery signals back to myself in an attempt to recover for a brief moment, at least mentally, in any case. whilst my body and soul were being healed by the relaxing heat of the cascading water - a knock on my bathroom door. 'Drock!?' i hear. 'Drock, are you alright?' queries one of my best friends, Scott after hearing the cacauphony of noise caused by my viscious haphazard spill. 'Yeah,' i respond meekly. 'i fell in the shower...' 'you're alright though?' 'yes,' i reply. many minutes later, i emerge from that watery grave with a new outlook on life, a new hope, and a revised christmas list:
rubber bath mat.