Not Dead Yet
Not dead, just busy.
I'm on 40 mg Prozac a day and go to counciling twice a month. I think it has been helping. It is nice to talk to somebody who is non-judgmental and won't take sides. But it also makes me feel guilty because everybody says that I do too much, and I'm so busy blah blah blah... but I still feel like the laziest person in the world. I feel like when I was a stay at home mom people talked bad about me not having a job, and now that I have a job, people talk bad about me being to exhausted to take care of myself or my family properly. I am trying to find a balance here. I am down to 3 1/2 days a week, which I need to just keep my sanity. Today I slept until 2:30 and only got up to feed the kids. Emma stayed in her crib till 2:30 in the afternoon..... thankfully she is sick and needed the sleep too. Lillian played a bit and then snuggled in my bed... but man do I feel like a horrible mom for that.
Things with Josh got really bad again for a while. He's diagnosed bi-polar and I swear he was using it as an excuse, a crutch. But he's back on his meds and doing better. He got a job at Quality Brands distributing Budweiser products. My wedding photography business has seemed to really pick up this year. But that means when I get home from work, I am still working.... and my head is killing me.
I get jealous of rich people because I just want to have money to spend on things that I WANT. I want my own studio. I want a MAC computer. I want to go out and buy props and costumes and makeup and models and lights and things!!! "root of all evil, root of all evil, root of all evil... keep your eye simple, keep your eye simple, keep your eye simple."
I just like work a little too much. I like dropping the kids off at daycare and knowing that they are going to get fed and be social and learn things. Daycare is half my paycheck... which means after 3 1/2 days of work I come home with a whopping $100. YAY for me!
I'm on 40 mg Prozac a day and go to counciling twice a month. I think it has been helping. It is nice to talk to somebody who is non-judgmental and won't take sides. But it also makes me feel guilty because everybody says that I do too much, and I'm so busy blah blah blah... but I still feel like the laziest person in the world. I feel like when I was a stay at home mom people talked bad about me not having a job, and now that I have a job, people talk bad about me being to exhausted to take care of myself or my family properly. I am trying to find a balance here. I am down to 3 1/2 days a week, which I need to just keep my sanity. Today I slept until 2:30 and only got up to feed the kids. Emma stayed in her crib till 2:30 in the afternoon..... thankfully she is sick and needed the sleep too. Lillian played a bit and then snuggled in my bed... but man do I feel like a horrible mom for that.
Things with Josh got really bad again for a while. He's diagnosed bi-polar and I swear he was using it as an excuse, a crutch. But he's back on his meds and doing better. He got a job at Quality Brands distributing Budweiser products. My wedding photography business has seemed to really pick up this year. But that means when I get home from work, I am still working.... and my head is killing me.
I get jealous of rich people because I just want to have money to spend on things that I WANT. I want my own studio. I want a MAC computer. I want to go out and buy props and costumes and makeup and models and lights and things!!! "root of all evil, root of all evil, root of all evil... keep your eye simple, keep your eye simple, keep your eye simple."
I just like work a little too much. I like dropping the kids off at daycare and knowing that they are going to get fed and be social and learn things. Daycare is half my paycheck... which means after 3 1/2 days of work I come home with a whopping $100. YAY for me!