In Which There Are No Lions

[plotmaster]

Title: Of Healing and Former Lions
Author:  PlayInTheWaves
Rating:


 

 The one and only thing keeping this fic away from Ansem is the grammar/spelling. The only thing. There is bad characterization, a bad pairing, bad logic, bad canon, bad species… But it’s no Kairi’s Sexuality on Pete’s Throne or anything.
Full names: Sora and Scar.
Full Species (es): Human. Why, I don’t know.
Hair Color (include adjectives): long jet-black hair
Eye Color (include adjectives): assumed canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: A scar and humanity.
Special Possessions (if any): Lube and, in Tifa’s case, a bar.
Origin: The bottom of a big bottle of vodka.
Connections To Canon Characters: Are anthropomorphic reincarnations of them. No, really, that’s the story.
Special Abilities: Scar’s immortal via reincarnation now.
Other Annoying Traits: Gee, suddenly Sora sure is forgiving. And easy.

I Say/Notes: This one has all of my pet peeves: woobification of villains, handwaving of interesting plot points, sudden sex with no buildup, writing off of main characters and events, canon confusion and massive character derailment. It’s not that I’m against crack pairings or anything of the sort; it’s that I’m against bad setups for said pairings.

We open to our sporking theater, in which there is a subtle and diabolical change.
Sora: I’m a lion. It’s never a good thing when I’m a lion.
Kairi: What happened the last time you were a lion?
Sora: Kingdom Catboy- *shifts around* And chairs are not built for lions!
Kairi: *offers lap?*
Sora: *settles in* So, when do Riku and Axel get here?
Kairi: Riku’s not coming, but Axel is-
Axel: Wondering when it’s going to be his turn for lap time. *leers*
Kairi: *sighs* So, is it just the three of us?
Axel: No, we have a guest. *glances at Sora* Is this gonna be anything like Titan Heat?
Sora: Huh?
Axel: If Lexaeus shows up, I’m gone. They make him do all the really bad ones.
MCP: INCOMING GUEST. USER DESIGNATION SCAR.
Sora: Did he say-…?
Scar:… Oh dear. You hear stories about this place, but I didn’t think it actually existed.
Sora: They tell stories about the Sporking Theater?
Scar: The what? I thought this was Hell.
Axel: Same thing. What’re we in for?

If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down, or speed up? ~Chuck Palahniuk

Scar: Pretentious stage quotes?
Sora: *is hoping the conclusion he’s drawing is wrong*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sora walked in and plopped down into his usual seat at the bar.

Axel: It was only a matter of time before the sporking theater drove him to drink.

"Tifa, I need a glass of something strong, ple-"

Sora: For once, I agree.

He paused, upon recognition that it was definitely not Tifa. "Oh. Um, hi."

Kairi: *as Sora* What are you doing in my bar?
Axel: It turns out that it actually is Tifa, after she got breast reducti-*smacked*

The bartender, drying glasses, turned and smiled at him. "Well, look who it is. I haven't seen you in a long time, Sora."

Scar: My, I can’t help but imagine that this man has a wonderfully charismatic voice.

Sora was pretty sure he'd never met this guy in his entire life, because damn if he wasn't attractive.

Axel: Geeze, the sentence isn’t even over and Sora’s already got his head in the gutter.
Kairi: Maybe he just has a thing for bartenders.

He had long jet-black hair that reached down to his waist, very tan skin, and a scar running down the length of his left eye.

Sora: Xigbar. That sounds exactly like Xigbar.

He kind of reminded him of that weird nobody with the eye patch

Sora: SEE?! Even the fic knows!

(now that he knew who Roxas was, he could understand the confusion), but it clearly wasn't the same guy.

Axel:… I’m sorry, what did Roxas have to do with this?
Scar: No matter. Just a case of mistaken identity, I suppose. May I leave?

"Um, I'm really sorry, but I don't think I remember you," he admitted. "Are you a friend of Tifa's?"

The man shook his head.

Scar: *as barkeep* No, I killed her.

"Tifa let me have this job out of pity-I didn't really know anyone, and I still barely know anything about bartending.

Kairi: He is obviously the best candidate for the job.
Sora: She also lets child molesters look after Denzel, hobos act as greeters, me into the bar and Axel have any kind of responsibility.

My name's…" He seemed to hesitate. "Scar."

Axel:… You think he would have noticed the lion tending bar.
Kairi: Maybe he didn’t want to address the elephant in the room?

Sora racked his brain, trying to figure out why the name sounded so familiar, and finally it hit him. He jumped back in surprise. "Scar? Like, as in the lion!"

Sora: No, he means the Ishvalan serial killer- OF COURSE HE MEANS THE LION!

Scar laughed. "That's me.

Axel: *as Tommy Wiscar* Here you go, keep the change, hai doggie!
Kairi: You’re my favorite customer.

Sorry, I was trying not to give you a heart attack."

Scar: Yet.

He continued to wipe the glass, chuckling. "Don't worry, I don't hold a grudge. I'm past the Pride Lands now; I finally have a new life for myself here."

Scar: After all, it’s not as if some whelp arrived out of nowhere, resurrected my dead nephew and proceeded to ruin nearly a lion-decade of hard work while at the same time managing to completely avert the Shakespearean ending I was holding out for. No, all water under the log now.
Sora: And it’s not like I threw off your tyrannical regime with nothing more than a stick, a meerkat and my wits, after which I forsook the throne and left only to have to come back and beat you up again so that you’d stop mind-raping my friend, then fight you as a giant, albeit totally awesome Heartless that nearly squished me… nah, we’re cool.

"Oh," Sora said, gingerly sitting back down. "Well, Tifa wouldn't have hired you if she didn't like you, so…I guess I don't have a grudge either.

Sora and Scar: No, no hard feelings at all!
Kairi: *sighs* It’s going to be a looong spork.

But if you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up here?"

Axel: *as Scar* Would you believe I had a Eurail pass?

"I have no idea.

Scar: Well, it’s not like we really needed to get into a debate as to what becomes of beings like me when we die, if or when we are given a second chance and what it was like to become a heartless. No, that wouldn’t have made for an interesting plot at all.

I remember dying angrily, and then…it felt like someone purified my heart,

Kairi: Reverse Karma, I guess.

and then I woke up here in Edge. As a human." He grinned. "That was weird at first."

Sora: Edge of what?
Axel: So, is he a Thundercat now, or what?

Sora smiled. "Yeah, I remember that. I haven't been to the Pride Lands in ages,

Sora: But it’s the most fun world ever!

but last time it took me a while to remember how to fight with hands rather than paws and a tail."

Axel: On the flip side, it was absolutely terrifying when he would lunge at the Heartless with his Keyblade in his teeth and try to tear their throats out while in human form.

"Well, what's done is done. I'm not going back, and there's no one who would want me there anyway."

Scar: And, after all, I always have the best interests of everyone else at heart.
Kairi: *deadpan* You’re a saint, alright.

Sora snorted. "I wonder why," he said sarcastically, shaking his head. "But what I never understood was why Simba hated you so much. Aren't you his uncle?"

Sora: what is this I don’t even.
Axel: I mean, it’s not like you- oh, wait… well, at least you didn’t- shoot, uh… well, hey, on the bright side, uh…

"Yeah," Scar said wistfully. "Not that I deserved it. I tried to kill him and my brother,

Kairi: Nothing serious or anything!
Scar: He was just being a baby.

his father." He shook his head, sighing. "It's a long story."

Axel: You had a brother, who was king, and you ganked him and yoinked his throne. There, done.
Scar: Half of those weren’t even words, you simian.

Sora smiled. "I've got time. I could use a strong drink;

Sora: YES, YES I COULD.

long day at the Restoration today and I needed to get away. I was kind of hoping Tifa would be here as some company, but you'll do."

Axel: *as Sora* Here, tape these melons to your chest and- *whacked*

Scar sighed, but poured him a drink.

Scar: Phaw! Having me, the bartender, serve drinks? Heavens, what has this world come to?

-Scar relates how he was jealous of Mufasa’s throne and how he did the logical thing and killed him in the face. Our hero!-

Scar pushed the glass towards Sora, who accepted it gratefully.

Kairi: Sora!
Sora: I’m sure it’s five o’clock somewhere.

"Contrary to what Simba thinks, I felt horribly guilty.

Scar: *roflmao*
Kairi: Terrible guilt wracked him all through his ‘Ha-ha, the King is dead’ party.

But by then…it was too late.

Scar: *wipes a tear away* It’s so true! So wracked with guilt was I that I did a little song-and-dance number and ordered my men to chase his little bastard of a son into the desert.

It was too late to take anything back."

Sora: To undo the things you’ve done and wash the bloodstains from your hands?

Scar sighed. "The darkness in my heart was so attracted to power…it fed off of all of the jealousy, rage, fear-every negative emotion I'd ever had, and corrupted me into a machine.

Kairi: So, if you hadn’t have been so evil, you wouldn’t have been so… evil.
Axel: Can machine sing ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts’?
MCP: I’VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS. *8-bit soundtrack* HERE THEY ARE ALL STANDING IN A ROW-         
Axel: Shutting up now.

My thirst was so great that I would have done anything to be king. I killed my own brother, and I would have killed my nephew."

Kairi: Would have?
Scar: *sighs* Yes, but it’s so hard to find good help these days.

"Yeah. I know how you feel." Sora looked down, swirling his glass around in his drink.

Sora: Cause, you know, I kill my family all the time.

"When I was fighting Riku…it felt so good, to have something all my own. Something that I would always be better at than he was. I was secretly really glad."

Sora: A-HYUP, fighting Riku to the death sure was a blast! I could totally connect with Scar over it!

"He was always better than I was. It seemed like everything we did-swordfights, tag

Axel: Bossfights-
Scar: Charisma-
Axel: Fangirl count-
Scar: Fighting prowess-
Kairi: Sex appeal-
Sora:… *sadface*

-I could never beat him.

Sora: And that’s not even counting the Ansem fusion with the unskippable cutscene.

I was even mad for a while because I was taller than he was.

Scar:… But isn’t that a point in your favor?
Axel: Logic has no place in badfics and/or pissing contests.

But he was my best friend, so how could I have said anything? It felt like it was weaker to admit my jealousy." Sora chuckled. "Then I realized that I could never save him from his darkness while I was still bottling that small bit of anger in my heart. So I let it out, and…

Axel: Beat the ever-loving piss out of his smug face?
Sora: Naah, I got my butt kicked a few more times before I got lucky with an elixir.
Kairi: *shrugs* I slept through the whole thing.

I think I wouldn't have killed him, but it would have been close.

Scar: I find dismemberment and crippling debilitation to be equally as cathartic.

I would have felt terribly guilty, but ultimately I think it was what I needed to do."

Kairi: Just let off a little steam and beat Riku within an inch of his life.
Axel: I know it always cheers me up!

"But that's the difference." Scar said. "You did it out of love;

Sora: I only beat you because I love you!

whatever your first intentions were, the light in your heart was strong enough to cast your anger into your shadow." He snorted. "If I'd had even a tenth of the judgment you have,

Scar: I’d be about on par with Ed.
Sora: Says the guy who thought that three hyenas could control a pride of lions forever.
Scar: It worked, didn’t it?

I would have been kinder to my brother.

Axel: That’s how you get ‘em; false sense of security!

I loved Mufasa,

Scar: I really did.
Kairi: Really?
Scar: Yes; I loved the sounds he made when all of those hundreds of wildebeests were trampling is worthless hide into a bloody-
Kairi: I walked right into that…

but for me second place was hard to take.

Axel: But the silver comes in handy for werewolf attacks.

And when they kicked me out of the Pride Lands, I snapped.

Scar:… When exactly did this happen?
Sora: Sometime before the time I don’t care about.

I plotted revenge for years. I snuck back in once, still planning. And I was in for the shock of my life."

Axel: Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time.
Sora:… No way. Really?
Axel: Really. How did you not know-
Sora: But then why did the glass cut his feet?
Axel:… I need new friends.

"Simba?" Sora guessed.

Scar: And here I was thinking that Sarabi was just fat.

Scar nodded. "Simba came along looking just like his father, in the same position he had been, ready to rule the Pride Lands, to take the throne from me once again…

Kairi: My, but he was a devious little infant.
Scar: I was told that Natural Selection missed him by a hairs breadth.

I couldn't take it.

Axel: I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!

And in my blind fury, I killed the one I looked up to the most.

Scar: Now I certainly don’t ever remember committing suici-

My own family.

Scar:… No one understands me.
Sora: If it helps, I still think you’re a dirty, rotten, backstabbing good-for-nothing.
Axel: *senses a great disturbance*

My precious nephew, who I took advantage of completely-I knew he looked up to me, and I preyed on that. Exploited that pure heart of his."

Axel: And on camera no less!
Kairi: Hello there Unfortunate Implications. What are you doing outside of TVTropes?

He smiled sadly. "It wasn't until I woke up here, alone and confused, with two legs instead of four,

Sora: That he swore never to mix Tabasco and cactus juice again, ever.

that I realized what could have been. If I hadn't been so moronically stubborn, Mufasa probably could have forgiven me. I could have helped Simba grow up, teaching him not to make the same mistakes that I did.

Scar: And then, when they least expect it-
Axel: You have him kill Mufasa!
Scar: Why didn’t I see it before?
Axel: We should hang out more.

I might have even had a cub of my own."

Scar: I did have a cub of my own, thank you. Two, if you really must know.
Kairi: We really didn’t, but okay.

Sora smiled. "That's one thing I will probably never have."

Scar looked at him quizzically. "A cub? Why not?"

Sora: Oh, you know, job difficulties, today’s overpopulation issues, the fact that I’M NOT A LION, you know, the usual.
Axel: *as Scar* What is this ‘uterus’ you speak of?

Sora shrugged. "I dunno. I guess…I just haven't found the right person yet.

Kairi: *as Sora* And when I do, I think we’ll both be very confused.

I mean, Kairi-she was my other best friend-I thought I loved her. Then after all was said and done…it was kind of awkward. We'd changed so much during our adventures that it was difficult to come back. Neither of us were the same person the other remembered. We decided to just be friends, and I think we're better off that way. We did a lot of catching up, and now our friendship is even stronger than it used to be."

Sora: *opens mouth to snark*… *closes it* Nope, that actually pretty much sums it up.
Kairi: *scratches behind his ears* Good boy.
Axel:… So does this mean that-
Kairi: Not in a hundred million years.
Axel: Okay, had to try.

Scar grinned lopsidedly. "You can't expect me to believe there was only one."

Scar: Now tell me where the other one was before I’m forced to show you my evil side.

Sora blushed, but he nodded. "There was Riku, for a while. After I rescued him…I started seeing him differently. Like he could be more than a best friend. But that didn't really work either."

Sora:… Nope, that’s not even it at all.
Kairi: *sighs* It was fun while it lasted.

"What happened?"

"Well…" Sora paused, wondering how to explain it. "His phone rang."

Axel: If you know what I mean.

Scar threw back his head and laughed. "You two didn't work out because his phone rang? That's gotta be the oddest excuse I've ever heard, and I've heard a lot of drunks at this bar."

Scar: *laugh* Oh! Oh-ho-ho you! How funny you can be- what the hell is a phone?

Sora's face got redder. "It's not-! What I mean is, he was already in love with this one guy…he met him during his travels with Maleficent, and they've been together ever since.

Sora: *thinks a minute*… CAPTAIN HOOK?!
Axel: *spittake/sporfle* What?!
Sora: The only guys Riku met during that time were Disney villains and Ansem.
Kairi:… Well, this just got weird.
Sora: Just now?!

Riku started talking to him, and his eyes lit up like it was Christmas and he got the biggest present under the tree. His face was so absolutely happy…there was no way I could disturb that. He deserved it too much."

Sora: That, and I was a little weirded out that he was sharing the mistletoe with Oogie Boogie.
Scar: What is Christmas, why are gifts going under trees, why are you still talking-

"Ah." Scar's face softened. "That's tough."

"It's not so bad. I mean, I'm happy if he's happy. I moved on a long time ago, and I've been with other people a few times.

Axel: *as Sora* Yeah I’ve moved on, no I’m not talking too fast, who’s talking too fast? I’ve been with lots of other guys, I’m totally over him, I’m happy if he’s happy no problems here, I’M NOT YELLING, YOU’RE YELLING!
Scar:… Er-
Axel: *as Sora* Did I mention that I’m over Riku?

I just…want someone for myself, ya know? Not even long-term, necessarily. Somebody who looks at me and thinks 'Sora, the adult' instead of 'Sora, the Keyblade Master' or 'Sora, the hero' or 'Sora, the friend"-that's all I ask."

Sora:… The other epitaphs were cooler.
Kairi: Sora the Silloquious was right out.

"What about me?"

Sora looked up from his glass, surprised. "What about you?"

Sora: Yeah, what about-
*record scratch*
Sora:… No.
Kairi: They’re not-
Sora:… No!
Scar: *look of utter terror* They wouldn’t-
Sora: No!
Axel: But they-

Scar mentally kicked himself. "I mean…I see you as a young adult with a strong heart and a good head on his shoulders. Someone who knows what he wants and knows when to go for it. If you're up for it, that is," he added, "If you don't want to, that's fine. Up to you."

Sora: *falls to his feline knees* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sora smiled, face red. "I'd like that."

Sora: NO I WOULD NOT, STOP RIGHT THERE, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT, BAD BAD BAD BAD-
MCP: *zap*
Sora:… Butternut.

No sooner had he said that than Scar kind of-pounced, really, kissing him with a ferocity that neither Riku nor Kairi had ever had.

Scar: I BEG YOUR PARDON?! I did WHAT?!
Kairi: Here we go…
Axel: Welcome to the Theater, your furriness.
Sora: Azerty d80.

He moaned, clutching at Scar's shoulders while his mouth was ravaged. Finally, Scar set him down, loping over to the door of the bar and swinging the sign to 'Closed'. He grabbed Sora's wrist, kissing him and dragging him up the stairs at the same time.

Scar:… This boy killed me. TWICE. Why in the world would I ever want to so much as approach him, let alone-
Axel: Vexensayswhat?
Scar: What?
Sora: Scribblenauts.
Vexen: *somewhere* Ah…CHOO!

"Tifa's…not here," Scar told Sora in between kisses.

Kairi: Thanks, we noticed.
Sora: Briggalboom.

"Mm-kids?"

Axel: Ew, no!
Kairi: Axel!
Sora: Ishkabibble.

"With her. She…went to visit Cloud,"

Scar: So she is dead.
Kairi: No, that’s her friend’s name-
Sora: *fizzles* Back now! What’d I miss?
Axel: Scar suggested involving kids.
Scar: I did no such thing!

Then they were up the stairs and into one of the guest rooms, Scar throwing Sora on the bed. Scar quickly stripped, divesting Sora of his clothes in the process, and then they were back to kissing, Sora moaning breathlessly.

Sora:… I miss being brain damaged.
Kairi: What I’m wondering is why there are bedrooms in a bar.
Axel: What I’m wondering is what the rent prices are.

Scar bit down along Sora's collarbone, effectively marking him.

Scar: And shattering said bone, but, as a friend once said, ‘deatails’.

Once he was satisfied, he moved to Sora's nipples, alternating licking and nipping until they were hard and Sora was squirming beneath him.

Axel: Ew, does he still have a cat tongue? That’d be really… *shudders*
All: *think for a second before shuddering* Eeew…

"Hands and knees," he ordered,

Scar: With a side of tongue, hold the sassafras.

Sora complying while he reached for the bedside table. He opened the drawer, groping for the lube with one hand and massaging Sora's balls with the other.

Axel: This is one of those lines that people take horribly out of context to prove that all fanfiction is evil.
Sora:… But the context makes it even worse here.

He found it, prompting Sora to move to his elbows while he unscrewed the lube.

Kairi: *sighs* Lube stopped being exciting.

"Damn thumbs," he muttered,

Scar: Indeed; paws are superior in every way.
Axel: Open this jar for me?
Scar: *smashes* There you are, my good sir.

facing Sora again and giving his ass a quick squeeze. He lubed his fingers, pushing one inside of Sora while snaking a hand underneath him to play with his cock, effectively distracting the other man.

Sora: Dash it all! I fell for his clever, rooster-related distraction!

He pushed a second finger in, quickly followed by a third. Sora winced at the third, so Scar hooked his fingers and searched for his prostate.

Scar: Then tore it out.
Axel: You wouldn’t.
Scar: Wouldn’t I?

He found it and curled his fingers around it, Sora inhaling a sharp breath and pushing back on his fingers.

Sora:… Oh gosh, is he actually gonna?! *hides his eyes* I can’t watch!

Sora fucked himself

Kairi: Well, yeah.

on Scar's fingers, silently begging for more, while Scar lubed up his cock. He took a second to look at Sora, and liked what he saw-Sora's fists were clenched in the sheets, toes curled in pleasure, and his skin had a healthy flush.

Scar: *licks his chops* Delicious.
Kairi: That’s what fic!you is thinking.
Scar: What do you- *realization* GAH!
Axel: Buuurn.
Sora: *does not like what he hears*

Scar removed his fingers, making Sora moan and stretch his ass up a little higher. Scar slid himself in with a growl, pausing a second to let Sora adjust.

Axel: Lion dicks are barbed, you know.
Sora: *moans* Noooooo!

As soon as Sora relaxed, Scar grabbed his hips, setting a fast, animalistic pace.

Kairi: It’s funny because he’s an animal.

He pressed down on Sora's shoulderblades,

Sora: And up on the D-Pad

making his body relax and accept Scar a bit more. Then he hit Sora's prostate, and Sora groaned into the pillow.

Axel: Now bite it. You know you want to.

Scar raked his nails down Sora's sides and slowed his thrusts a bit, avoiding Sora's prostate as a gentle punishment.

Axel:… Nice aim.
Scar: I assure you, it’s beginner’s luck.

"Don't hold back on my account," Scar said, voice husky and shaking a bit. "I want to hear my name out of your mouth."

Scar: Followed by the phrase ‘please, please, pleaaaaaase don’t kill me, I’ll do anything, just let me li- squish’.

He moved his hand back to Sora's cock, rock-hard and weeping precome.

Kairi: *glances down* Some part of him is weeping something, but…
Sora: *sobs*

He pushed his thumb over the slit. "What do you say if you want to come?"

Axel: Pretty please with a kooshball on top?
Kairi: Simon says orgasm.

"Scar!" Sora jerked his hips, trying to rub his prostate against Scar's cock.

Scar grinned ferally, cruel streak bubbling to the surface.

Scar: Where it should have never left.

"Ah, you didn't say the magic word."

Sora: HAKUNA MATATA, MELON-FARMER! *ka-Keyblade*

"Please, Scar!" Sora screamed, knuckles white.

Axel: Like Pete always taught us, manners during violent sex are important.

-Sex-

Sora was dangerously close to the edge, pleading and moaning Scar's name like a mantra.

Scar: Then I pushed him off, right?

Finally he came with a shudder, involuntarily clenching down. He rocked back and forth on Scar's cock as he rode out his orgasm, bringing Scar closer to the edge.

Sora: If I go down, I’m taking you with me!
Scar: Curse you!

Scar shallowly thrust his hips a few more times as Sora rode him,

Scar: I beg your pardon? He did what?
Sora: If only that meant what we wish it meant.

coming with an animalistic yowl.

Kairi: Ha. Ha. Because he’s a lion.

Sora's muscles gave out, as did Scar's, and they collapsed in a heap. Scar pulled out with a wince

Axel: Called it; barbs.
Sora: Bwaaaaah….

and rolled to Sora's side, pulling a sheet up and throwing an arm around Sora.

Sora groaned. "Now I know what being mauled by a lion feels like."

Scar:… I’ve never had a problem with my prey orgasming when I kill it, you know.
Kairi: First time for everything.
Sora: If only he’d mauled me for realzies.

"I vote we sleep until Tifa gets home and then go for another round," Scar suggested, voice already drowsy.

Kairi:… When Tifa gets home? Uh… ew?
Axel: Uh, hot? When can I move in here?

Sora yawned, clutching at Scar's arm. "Sounds good to me."

Scar: Exhibitionist.
Sora: Fascist.
Axel: Axel!
...

Why does the bar have the closed sign still?

Kairi: For the safety of the viewing public.

Maybe Scar forgot to change it… Tifa opened the door. A glass was out on the counter and a chair was knocked over,

Axel: Just one? And you call this a Roadhouse? For shame.

so clearly someone had been here. She groaned, prepared to find Scar still asleep.

Kairi: Clearly the best man for the job.

She knocked twice (just to be on the safe side) and went in. "Scar, why in the hell is the bar closed at-lunch…"

Axel: Because no one gets pasted at-lunch…

She trailed off as Scar, naked to the waist, where a sheet had been pulled over, waved at her.

Axel: I think that’s how I’m gonna greet Tifa, next time I see her.
Sora: I’ll start digging the grave now, to beat the rush.

Then Scar shook someone on the other side of the bed. "Wake up, Tifa's home."

Scar: As much as I like torture, we are not doing it again so she can watch.

A spiky head of brown hair popped up.

Scar: Ah, decapitation.

"Mm, what?" He blinked sleepily, eyes focusing on Scar and then moving to Tifa. "O-oh. Erm, hi Tifa." He grinned, waving sheepishly.

Kairi: Oh Sora, you goof, did you screw the bartender again?
Sora: Aw shucks.

Sora, the blushing virgin, is naked in Scar's bed, dear lord, I'm not ready.

Kairi: It’s reading my mind again.

Tifa covered her eyes. "I don't want to know what the hell went on in there,

Axel: But it better not have involved lions!

but those sheets better be clean in the morning. Ugh, ugh, ugh, naked Sora, just-go back to whatever you were doing, kids and I'll be downstairs, don't let us disturb you!" She walked out and slammed the door.

Sora: I feel like Tifa is speaking for us.
Axel: *Tifa* Quick, Cloud, fetch a priest! A cop! Freaking Sigfried and Roy, I don’t care! *poofs out of existence*

A chorus of "Sorry, Tifa!" followed her as she went back downstairs. There was a muffled thump and a giggle, and she shook her head.

Marluxia: *as Tifa* Oh those two crazy gays.

"What are they doing, Tifa?" Marlene asked, coloring in a sketchpad. Denzel snorted, and Tifa glared sharply at him.

Kairi: Who taught Dezel about sex? *glares about*
Sora: Not it!
Scar: Not I!
Marluxia: Certainly not me.

"Hey kids, I just remembered something I left at Aunt Aerith's a few weeks ago.

Sora: The Brain Bleach?
Marluxia: The gun?

What do you say we take the portal to Radiant Garden again and make a quick stop?"

Kairi:… When did Tifa become a Nobody?
Marluxia: I blame Axel.

Denzel groaned. "Tifa, we just got back! And besides, my feet hurt."

"I'll buy you sea salt ice cream at Twilight Town on the way."

Scar: Oh, we’ll just merrily bend the laws of nature to suit our whimsy!

Denzel jumped up, tugging Marlene out the door. "Come on, let's go!"

Tifa smiled. Kids, the lot of them.

"Tifa! Dilly dally, shilly shally!"

"Okay, I'm coming."

Kairi:… Reading that last bit, you’d have no idea what had just happened. Thoughts?
Marluxia: I’m gone. *portals out*
Sora: I should never forgive anyone again, ever.
Scar: Humans are terrible creatures.
Axel: WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG WITH YOU, XEHANORT?!
Kairi:… Uh… Axel?
Axel: You shut up, Ve- *stops*…. Wha… but… I… And I was… and he… *slumps*
Sora: Wasn’t Marluxia here a minute ago?
Scar: I think I’m going back to Hell, where things made sense. Goodbye. *slinks out*
Kairi:… *pets Sora* How long are you gonna be like this?
Sora: I dunno. Wanna see if we can get into wacky hijinx?
Kairi: Do you need to ask? *dashes out with him*
Axel:… Damn it. I was… home again.

Will our heroes make sense of this last minute switcharoo? Will Scar ever return to the Sporking Theater? Will The Plot Master find another cliffhanger to support the Rule of Three? Find out next time; same spork time, same spork community!