Xig-a, Xig, AHHHH!

[veruslux]

Title:  Xigajoe: Number Zero
Author: Backyard-Beleave-Queen
Rating:

 One for bad grammar, one for slight OOC and pedo-Xigbar, and one for being an ADD Sue. Minus one for actually having an original-ish idea for an element.

Full Name (including any titles): Xigajoe (Apparently pronounced zig-a-joe. Who knew?)
Full Species(es): Nemo Horribilus Marysueus
Hair Color (include adjectives): 'dark brown ponytail with green streaks'
Eye Color (include adjectives): 'GRAPE' (WHAT.)
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Small delicious fruit posing as eyes.
Special Possessions (if any): Xigbar's sanity, probably. Also the ability to make Saïx act like a teenager.

Origin: Your average fangirl's mind, or Port Royal.
Connections To Canon Characters: JACK SPARROW'S DAUGHTER AND XIGBAR'S LOVER. WHAT.
Special Abilities: To beextremely annoying and 'ADHD'
Other Annoying Traits: Stereotyping the Organization, being a BAD OC.

I Say/Notes: First spork. I wanted to do a Xigbar fic, and I found this. It CALLED to me. The NAME. And it didn't disappoint.

Sample:


(We open in the Sporking Theater. It seems empty enough. Not for long, though, because four portals open into it, and Xigbar, Zexion, Vexen, and Demyx step out.)

Vexen: Oh, hell. No. No way. Noooo. *tries to leave* *portalblock’d* Damn.
Zexion: *looks around* *horror* Oh, no. Not YOU.
Demyx: *eyes widen, looking from Zexion to Xigbar* Oh, no. No no no. Please, tell me this isn’t yaoi. Oh god.
Xigbar: Aw, damn, am I a rapist again?
*voice from the front row* You’re in luck, Rapist, Pedo, Emo, and Uke! Just an average OC.
*voice is book’d, icicle’d, shot, and sitar’d*
Axel: Ow.
*the others take their seats, pointedly ignoring the smarting Axel. The fic begins to roll*

Short Author’s Note is cut.

Name: Xigajoe (Zig-a-joe)

Xigbar: *spittake* WHAT?!
Axel: *snort* Xigajoe. Wow, I wonder who HER DLI might be, eh?
Demyx: *sings* A-zig-a-zig-aaaaah~
Xigbar: *SMACK*
Demyx: *sigh* No one appreciates my comedic timing here, do they.
Everyone else: NO.

Age: 14

Everyone: …..
Vexen: Ha! I’m not the pedophile this time! You are!
Xigbar: WHA- THAT- WHA- I- NO! *rage* I AM NOT A PEDO! NO WAY, AS IF!
Zexion: *books gently* No capslock of rage, you.
Demyx: Wow, really? The fangirl’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t her, is she?

Hair: Dark brown pony tail with green streaks

Xigbar: Ten munny her element is earth and her hair speshully represents it or some shit.
Vexen: Why not? I always win our bets.
Xigbar: Only because you start most of the bets, and you rig the results beforehand.
Vexen: Me? Rig a bet? I never.
Zexion: Bullshit-dar, Vexen. We all have it.
Vexen: I do wish you wouldn’t curse.

Eyes: Grape (don't judge me)

Demyx: Her eyes are…fruit? Wow.
Axel: It’s a change from gemstones.
Xigbar: We’re judging you. A lot.

Number: Zero

Vexen: What the…
Zexion: She ranks higher than the Superior?
Everyone: BLASHPHEMY.

Title: Burning ball of energy

Axel: *snort* Oh, really. So another ADHD/ADD/hyperactive OC, eh?
Demyx: *clasps hands* Oh, please, Nobody God, please don’t make me her ADD biffle Demykins clone…Zexion: That’s her title? Capitals, please. All capitals. You can actually do that there.

Element: Energy

Vexen: *intrigued* What kind of energy? Radioactive? Solar? Wind? Nuclear? Gasoline-based? Xigbar-owes-me-munny?
Xigbar: Oh, shove it, Dr. Horrible. *gives him the munny*
Demyx: A maaaan’s gotta do, what a maaaan’s gotta doooo~ *cringes* *nothing happens* Huh?
Zexion: I rather liked that musical. You’re safe.
Demyx: Oh, goodie.
Zexion: And Vexen? It's probably the energy produced from large amounts of sugar consumption.
Vexen: Damn and blast, there goes originality.

Weapon: Ninja stars, knifes, pretty much Ninja anything

Xigbar: I’m, uh, getting the impression she’s a ninja. Are you?
Axel: Nah, she’s a cleverly disguised pirate. The war’s getting into espionage, didn’t you know? Real shifty stuff.
Zexion: Yes, and you would know shifty, wouldn’t you?
Axel: Oh, shut up.

From: Port Royal

Axel:…Wait, what. I was kidding! I didn’t mean- oh, god, why???
Demyx: Uh, oh…my Sue senses are tingling…

Bio: Xigajoe's somebody (Giajoe [G-ah-joe) was Jake sparrow's daughter. Sora has a hard time fighting her cause her somebody knew him.

Axel: Oh, for frak’s sake!
Demyx: …Jake sparrow?
Xigbar: Jack’s little brother. He doesn’t talk about him much. Embarrassing, really. The boy’s got none of his style.
Zexion: Giajoe? What in the…? Since when is that a proper English name? Also, Somebody- if you wish to use that over Other- is capitalized.
Vexen: Maybe she intended Giada?
Demyx: Doubt it.

Likes: Training sessions, Xigbar, and anything sugar free (Bad things happen if it's not sugar free)

Dislikes: When Axel tricks her into eating sugar, Saix teasing her about her height (5 foot nothing) and anything related to making fun of her ADHD.

Xigbar: Oh Lord. We were right. She’s an ADD Sue.
Axel: …Why would I trick an ADD SUE into eating SUGAR??? What is WRONG with fic!me??
Demyx: On that note, what’s wrong with Saïx? Did she even play Days? He doesn’t ‘tease’. He ‘threatens’. Or ‘mocks’. Or even occasionally dabbles in ‘degrading’. But tease? Did he revert to a teenager all of a sudden?
Axel: *quietly* Don’t I wish.

POV on other members

Xenmas- boss nothing more nothing less

Xigbar- Boyfriend (it's not illegal they technically don't have an age)

Xigbar: OF COURSE IT’S ILLEGAL, WE DO TOO HAVE AN AGE. YOU’RE YOUNGER THAN ROXAS. I AM APPROACHING FIFTY. I AM NOT COMMITTING STATUTORY RAPE FOR YOUR SUE.
Vexen: As a resident scientist, I would like to point out that we lost our hearts nine or ten years ago. At that time, Ienzo was a child. Now, he is obviously not. Therefore, young lady, we do indeed have a concept of age. Your excuse is heretofore rendered invalid.
Axel: *cheerfully* Enjoy prison, Xig! Don’t drop the- *suddenly, gun in face*
Xigbar: *dangerously* Finish that sentence, Red. I dare you.
Axel: Nevermind.

Xaldin- Needs to shave VERY BADLY

Everyone: *GAPE*
Zexion: What.
Vexen: Oh, dear, me.
Xigbar: *bursts into hysterical laughter* Oh, I am so totally telling him this twit said that! …From safely on the ceiling, of course.
*portal opens* *two spears fly out, one hitting the screen and the other smacking Xigbar*

Vexen- Weird, so weird he HIT ON ME

Lexaeus- He's my teddy bear buddy

Vexen: Noooo! No! No! *face in hands* I thought I was safe…
Zexion: While I’m relieved Lexaeus is being treated generally well compared to the normal ‘muscle-bound lummox’ stereotype…’teddy bear buddy’? No, I don’t think so. While his hugs are generally squashy and enjoyable, I wouldn’t call him a ‘teddy bear’.
Demyx: Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, chubby little tubby all stuffed with fluff~
Axel: *smacks* Just on principle. I’ve been going too long without hitting you.

Zexion- He's REALLY emo and reads A WHOLE lot

Zexion: *overly pleasant* So, I see we’ve witnessed the return, once again, of the ‘emo’ label. Welcome back. Would you like me to greet you properly? *hefts book*
Vexen: Now, now. At least they left you with a love for books.

Saix- Oh he's superior's stalker

Axel: *snort* Ha, really. Saïx stalking Xemnas. That’ll happen.
Demyx: Well, he does sorta…follow him around sometimes, being told what to do and stuff…so maybe- *portal opens* *claymore’d* *for the hell of it, Axel is claymore’d too, with extreme prejudice*
Axel: You bitch, I defended you! *rubs head*

Axel- THAT LOW LIFE B$^#&% ALL HE DOES IS PUSH MY F#$%^! BUTTONS AND GIVE ME SUGAR THEN I GET $#!^ FROM SUPERIOR!

Axel: Could it be…? A fangirl who dislikes me? *wipes away fake tear* Such a rare sight…
Demyx: *snort* Arrogant much, Axel?
Xigbar: Oooh, Axel. Did you know you’re a ‘b-dollar sign-up arrow-number sign-and mark-percent sign’? How terrible.
Vexen: Indeed. And you push her ‘f-number sign-dollar sign-percent mark-up arrow-exclamation point’ buttons? Awful, just awful.
Axel: Shut the hell up.

Demyx- He's ok I guess kinda quiet not really a friend, he's just kinda there

Luxord- I HATE playing any card game with the drunk

Demyx: My prayers were answered! Hallelujah!
Vexen: *groan* Demyx, stop listening to Marluxia’s missionary speeches. They’re bad for you.
Xigbar: Funny, you think she’d like Luxord. He did show up on ‘her world’, and all. He’s the other go-to pirate guy.

Marluxia- Was once female, I mean come on pink hair seriously and flowers that spells GAAAYYYYY across your forehead (No offense gay people my best friend is gat)

Larxene- She scars me, and and one time she tried to kill me

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
*portal opens* *scythe is flung at screen* I AM NOT A WOMAN!!!! OR GAY!!!!
Vexen: *amused* ‘No offense gay people’? That in itself is mildly offensive.
Axel: Larxene scars her? Where? Her face? Please tell me her face.
Demyx: Maybe it happened when she tried to kill the Sue.
Axel: *wistful sigh* Wouldn’t it have been nice if she’d succeeded?

Roxas- Is a rather nice friend once he was out of Zombie mode

Xion- Was a puppet that I didn't know

Axel: So…she DID play Days. And so how is she getting Saïx’s personality so very wrong?
Zexion: *slightly green* The sentence fragments and lack of periods are starting to get to me.

(AN: I know it's not my best but hey I'm bored. This is just A buch of stuff that includes my OC Xigajoe who is Xigbar's love. Oh and there is a song to each story that will be at the end ^_^)

Vexen: Because boredom is always a valid excuse for sub-par writing. Yes.
Xigbar: SHE IS NOT MY LOVE. NO LOVE. NONE FOR YOU, EVEN IF I HAD A HEART TO GIVE IT WITH.
Zexion: You’re getting awfully worked up.
Xigbar: Pedophilia icks me out, okay?
Demyx: Aaah! Smiley! Kill it!

Warning: Extreme weirdness

Xigajoe's POV

'I want a cookie,' I sat in my (well actually Axel's cause I don't have one) chair. I sat Indian style on the arm, while Axel sat in the main part of the chair. Demyx was close to falling asleep, Saix sat ridged on the edge of his chair, and Xigbar was asleep. I was just about to fall asleep when superior walked in, with a new kid.

Xigbar: Asleep? I never sleep in meetings! The hell?
Demyx: Okay, at least I do occasionally. That’s not far off.
Axel: Can I push her off? It’s a long fall. Can I push her off, Superior? Please?
Vexen: Ridged? Saïx is a texture? Intruiging.

I threw a star at Xigbar to wake him, he turned to glare at me but I sat innocently eyes wide. Mansex cleared his throat, we turned to him, "This is number XIII, XIII this is the organization. You have the empty chair (my hand shot up) yes zero I know you don't have a chair. But remember you said you didn't want one."

Xigbar: She threw a- why am I not bleeding? She threw a shuriken at me!
Demyx: *deadpan* It got stuck in your hair. You’ll need it later, when this turns into naga vore.
Axel: *green* DEMYX, NEVER MENTION THAT.
Vexen: Oh, yes, Naga Eyes. I heard that was abysmal.
Zexion: Naminé told me Sora and Riku were crying when they came to her afterwards.

I put my hand down consensuses of the other members' stares. Luxord, seeing my discomfort, said

"There, there love, we're all used to your abnormality."

So I showed real class and suck my tongue out at the gambler. Axel pulled my pony tail, jerking me back into his lap, causing me to hit him square in the chest. Axel was now doubled over allowing me to jump over to my Demyx perch (Demyx's chair) and me to startle the musician. I stayed crouched on the arm ignoring the stares of other members' that said, 'Really, Xigajoe, really?'

Zexion: …‘Consensuses’? Does she mean ‘because’? The grammar in this fic is awful.
Axel: She ‘suck her tongue out’? ….AAAAAGH SHE IS A NAGA!!!
Xigbar: Wait. She fell into Axel’s lap…and he was doubled over…so she jumped into Demyx’s lap…over a fifty-foot minimum drop. …Physics and anatomy called, kiddo. They wanted to remind you they exist.
Vexen: Really, author, really?

"Cut it out shortie," snapped Saix. I heard mummers of 'Bad idea,' 'Not a good move,' and my favorite 'There goes the neighbor.'

Demyx: Ed Elric called, he wants his shtick back. Again. Man, that guy is probably rich from all the royalties he’s getting from the temperamental-short-people OCs stealing his thing.
Zexion: …There goes the neighbor? Does she mean neighborhood? Also, mummers?
Axel: …‘Cut it out shortie’. Saïx just said ‘cut it out, shortie’. He never, ever said shorty. Ever. Not even as Isa. *slight twitch

My eye twitched, I turned to Saix with a star and knife out, "What did you just call me?"

"Zero! Since you obviously are more comfortable with your weapons you and Axel can train XIII."

Mansex said in a very that's final sorta tone. I groaned but didn't say anything against it. Me and Axel turned to glare at each other, XIII looked at us like we were nuts.

Vexen: So now she’s either Jack Skellington’s dog or LeLouch vi Brittania. Lovely.
Zexion: And so Mansex makes its obligatory appearance.
Axel: *as fic!Roxas* What the heck is wrong with these guys? They’re nuts. Maybe I should leave…I don’t want that crazy short girl training me.
Zexion: *dryly* Or that crazy redhead.
Axel: Gee, thanks.

The meeting was released Axel and I walked over to XII. I said, "Hello I'm Zero, Xigajoe and the Nobody of Energy. Also under NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL YOU GIVE ME SUGAR!"

"A-x-e-l, Axel. Got it memorized?" Axel said before I hit the back of his head.

"…" Was all we got in reply. Me and Axel looked at each other, this was going to be interesting.

Demyx: *fic!Roxas* Uhhh….what’s sugar? I have no memories.
Axel: Oh, even I’M sick of my damn catchphrase.

CUT! Apparently the Sue and Axel spent two hours harassing Roxas to talk. The three have a mission to Port Royal, Saïx ‘scars the crap’ out of the Sue (IN THE FACE. Or not.), and is marginally IC. On to Chapter Two…

Chapter Two starts out with an Author’ note, bla.

Axel, me, and Roxas (I just learned his name) walked though a under thingy in Twilight Town (NO THERE IS NO EDWARD BELLA!) I had slumped shoulders while cleaning my nails with ninja stars. I was ignoring Axel who was using Roxas as an excuse to talk to himself. We eventually came to a stop. Axel said, "Ok chatterbox when heartless appear, we as in -you and I- will stand back and watch Xigajoe go into joker mode/final form and beat them. Got it memorized?"

Demyx: Edward…Bella? …OH, GOD, SHE’S A TWI-HARD.
Axel: *horror*
Zexion: Do I even want to know what Joker Mode is?
Xigbar: *grin* Why so serious, Zexion? Wanna know how I got this scar?
Vexen: Yes, actually. You never told us.
Xigbar: *grin disappears* Oh, nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.

"…." Was his response. I held my stars up, and did my laugh (Mahnahahaha) before standing on the ball of my left foot and spinning similar to the tasimaine (SP?) Devil. After roughly a minute I killed all the heartless. When I was done stopped spinning I landed back next to Axel in a traditional kicking stance.

"…..?" I heard from Roxas.

Zexion: You can look words up online. Or use spellcheck. It’s Tasmanian.
Axel: Mahnahahaha…? Is she from One Pi-
Xigbar: OH, NO. NO. HELL, NO. DON’T GO THERE.

Axel laughed, "Xigajoe here controls energy, basically staniama. She has joker mode, ninja mode -that's where she acts like a ninja- and lastly piggy back mode -that's when she tag teams with someelse."

Vexen: Ah, so energy meaning stamina. That’s…original. I...like it.
Zexion: Yet, it’s done so wrong. Joker Mode, Ninja Mode, and Piggy Back Mode? Really?
Xigbar: You’re doing it wrong.
Axel: *snort* *eyebrow wiggles* Ooh, Xigbar. She’s got stamina powers. That means she can keep going, and going, and go-
Xigbar: *beats* NO SEX. NO. SHUT THE HELL UP.

I glared at Axel, but Roxas seemed interested. The rest of the session went smoothly with a few bickers between me and Axel here and there. We quickly RTCed I skipped away from the two boys and towards Luxord. He turned his attention away from Xigbar and to me, "What can I do you for Luv'."

Xigbar cleared his throat and glared at Luxord. I rolled my eyes, "I will bet you in poker this time."

Luxord smirked but played me anyway, we both came from Port Royal and both pretty damn good at poker.

Xigbar: So…she said at the beginning she hates playing cards with him, but she asks him to..?
Demyx: Way to skip through a mission, girl.
Zexion: *frown* I bet she didn’t fill the Mission Bar to 100%. Bad girl.

CUT! Luxord kicks Sue’s ass in poker, she goes to Xigbar and whines. He pats her on the head, and walks away, presumably to escape the Sue’s whining.

Axel's POV

I walked down a hall and saw Xigbar, "Hey Xigbar, where's your little pirate?"

Xigbar glared at the nickname I gave her, "Kitchen, pretty upset about Luxord beating her in poker."

Xigbar: Hey, I’m the nicknamer, Red, don’t steal my thing.
Axel: Blame it on the Sue.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks Xiggy." I said brushing him off. I snuck quietly into the kitchen to see Xigajoe asleep on the table. Snickering I pulled out a glass of rum, I mixed some sugar into it, and put it on the table in front of her with a card that said.

Demyx: I'm no expert, but sugar would probably dissolve in rum and just make it taste sweet. It wouldn’t have any effect on her.
Zexion: And of course, she’s going to trust a mysterious glass of so-called ‘rum’ with a card, when she knows full well Axel has a habit of sneaking her sweets.
Axel: Maybe it’s not sugar. Maybe it’s poison.
Vexen: Don’t we wish.

Luv' here's some rum.

Luxord

I snickered and walked away, eager for when she drinks it.

~~~~~~45 min. later!~~~~~~

I hide in a cabinet and watched as Xigajoe woke up. She stretched and read the card. As she downed the Rum Larxeene walked in. Xigajoe's eyes widened when she realized what was in her rum, and Larxeene sent her a look, "What's the matter?"

Xigajoe took a deep breathe and let out a scream that I was positive every one heard, "SUGAR!"

Axel: I hid in a damn cabinet? The hell?
Demyx: I thought Larxene hated her.
Xigbar: *fic!Larxene* Ooh, did Axel use the poison I gave him? Yay! I want to watch! It’s gonna be messy~
Vexen: …You do that far, far too well.

Cut Author’ Notes.

Axel: Looks like that’s it for now.
Zexion: Well, compared to some, it isn’t that bad.
Demyx: It’s a nice break from the bad yaoi.
Xigbar: BUT I’M A PEDOPHILE.
Zexion: Look on the bright side. No sex.
Axel: Yet.
Xigbar: *punches him* I’m getting a damn beer. Call me when it starts again.
Demyx: Can I come? I’m of legal drinking age. We can go to my world. It’s nice and tropical. *they leave*
Axel: Frak you for being from goddamn Hawaii, Demyx. I’m going to Port Royal. I like my bars seedy and disease-filled. *sarcasm* *leaves*
Vexen: Well, Zexion, I believe this particular theater is in possession of a box of tea leaves and a teapot. We’ve needed a little peace. Want to stay here and enjoy the quiet between sporks?
Zexion: …This theater has tea leaves. Not bags, leaves. …I’m in. *they get tea and sit drinking peacefully*