Tha Sue Pwns Ur Face
Title: An Extra Heart
Author: KH-Akyra
Rating:
Hmn, a grand total of THREE. One for Mary Sue, one for over-used plot-line (and heart-blades -_-) and another because Kairi might as well have been a TREE for all the lines she got in this.
Full Name (including any titles): Akyra.
Full Species(es): OMGZ-I-R-BETTAR-ND-MUCH-HOTTAR-DEN-KAIRI-SO-I-CAN-STEAL-HER-PAST-ND-ALL-HER-LINES Mary-Sue.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark pink.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Unmentioned.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Um. Pink hair.
Special Possessions (if any): A necklace her mother gave her, lots of chains, fishnet tights, a mutated keyblade thingy-ma-flip, the friendships of EVERYBODY, toy fans and Kairi’s past.
Origin: The neverregions of your soul.
Connections To Canon Characters: Childhood best friend, has a crush this big -motions with fingers- on Sora.
Special Abilities: She can bitch-slap a Darkside into submission.
Other Annoying Traits: She’s Kairi. She IS Kairi but with a different name and pink hair. She even has her whole PAST. Score nil for originality.
I Say/Notes: This fic is boring. Its Kingdom Hearts plus Kairi-clone. We already have ONE Kairi, isn’t that enough???
(Part one - In which tha Sue wants to be Kairi very badly)
Alright, before we get this badfic on the road I’d like to welcome our newest sporker, or sporkette… -drumroll- Naminé!
Naminé: -waves to non-existent audience and settles down in her chair- So what did I miss out on?
Riku: Some random chick with dark-pink hair stole Kairi’s past.
Kairi: And loves Sora.
Sora: And has a heartblade.
Naminé: Oh… -shudders- So it’s one of them?
Kairi: I’m afraid so.
Riku: She’ already stolen ten points off my IQ. I think my brain’s pretty much liquidified by now.
Sora: You sure that’s not ’cause Axel keeps hitting you?
Riku: Perhaps.
Naminé: At any rate, I’m going to keep a close eye on this Sue.
Kairi: I second that notion. -raises hand-
Riku: You can never be too careful around this lot -shifty eyes-
So the author’s notes are snipped and let’s get ready to rumble!
-gong sound-
Akyra walked slowly down the bridge. A shout and a moan made her look the other way.
Riku: When you hear moans in dark alleys it usually is best to look the other way.
Naminé: But somebody down there could be hurt!
Kairi: -sighs- Dear, innocent Naminé.
Naminé: What? Can’t be concerned about my fellow man?
Riku: Well not technically speaking, considering you have no heart.
Looking up ahead she saw those creatures from the island. Prepared to run the other way,
Riku: Between heartless or porn scenes down suspicious looking alleyways, I’d take the heartless any old day.
Naminé: …?
Riku: -sighs- Okay. Y’see, s’like THIS. When a daddy and a daddy love eachother very much-
Sora: -claps hand over mouth- This is not a yaoi fic and I am not being raped. I’d prefer to keep it that way!
she caught a glimpse of someone familiar. Someone with brown hair and red shorts.....
“Sora!” she yelled. “Sora, don’t worry, I’m coming!” she yelled continuously.
Riku: -as Akyra- I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m comi-
Kairi: -KEYBLADES-
Sora: Awful, awful memories… -whimpers-
Naminé: I could erase those for you if you want…?
Kairi: The scarring of yaoi fanfic runs deep, Nami. Don’t bother.
With the most strength she could muster, she smacked a few of the monsters with her heart-like weapon. A few more smacks finished them off.
Riku: Maybe next time you should try playing the game on expert mode. See how the heartless like being bitch slapped then.
Panting, she then ran to Sora.
“Are you okay?” she yelled holding him by the shoulders.
Sora: Well I was until you started shouting at me.
Sora wakes up from his raping-
Sora: Hey! I resent that!
I mean canon rape, obviously. So, after his raping, he awakes, everything is fine and sprinkled with love, and the two make their hasty getaway.
They ran back out of the tall wooden doors, dodging the bug-like creatures. The monsters seemed to have stopped following them in front of the accessory shop. “How many.....can there possibly......be?” Sora said, still catching his breath.
Riku: That had craftily taken a plan to Europe halfway through the badfic.
“They’ll come at you out of nowhere.” a man’s voice said. Surprised,
Kairi: I don’t see why considering the same scenario has been thrust at him countless times in countless badfics with countless new Mary Sues to mock.
Sora looked up.
“Who are you?” he asked.
Kairi: Your worst nightmare! -cue evil laugh-
Riku: Huwhat? Kairi? But you’re a girl!
Naminé: Hell hath no fury than woman scorned.
Riku: But you wear pink!
Naminé: That’s what people said about Marluxia.
“And they'll keep coming at you, as long as you continue to wield the Keyblade.” the man continued. “But why would it choose a kid like you?” the man said, as he stepped forward, rubbing his forehead.
Sora: Every time you write a badfic Leon gets a headache.
Naminé: Please, kids, think of the Leon!
-cuts to commercial-
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Akyra asked.
“Never mind. Now, let's see that Keyblade.”
“What?” Sora shouted, “There is no way you’re getting this!”
“Fine have it your way”, the man said, whipping out his gunblade.
Riku: LOL EUPHAMISM.
Kairi: -KEYBLADES-
“Yuffie!” he shouted, “take the girl and bring her with us!”
Kairi: I’m sure picking random girls off the streets and dragging them to hotels is illegal…
Naminé: And he seemed like a pretty nice guy from what I knew of him, back when I picked apart Sora’s memo- er…
Sora: You what?!
Naminé: -summoning forth crayons of doom and starting to doodle on hand- Don’t worry; you’ll forget all that in about… Um… Five seconds.
Sora: But you picked apart my memories! How dare you, you wi- -sinks back in seat with glazed look in eyes-
Kairi: Sora? -prods-
Sora: I see dead people…
At that moment, a young woman with short black hair ran out of the corner and grabbed Akyra by the arm.
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,” she said as she dragged a struggling Akyra down to the second district.
Yuffie: -appears with madd ninja STEALTH- Oh come on, I think a kidnapping has to be a bit more subtle than that!
Riku: Hullo there pretty ninja ;3
Yuffie: … Geez guys, how much did you hit him?
Kairi: Just a LOT.
Yuffie: Well, I know it’s wrong to beat up a crazy but…
Riku: So will it beh your place of mine?
Yuffie: …This time I will have to make an exception. -SHIRUKENS, disappears-
Akyra and Sora are taken to a hotel room. Just like in the game. Except not. Because in the game Akyra was dead and the world was a much happier place.
Sora started stirring, and slowly sat up. Yuffie walked over to him.
“Wake up, sleepy head! You okay?”
“Uh?” he said. “Kairi? Is that you?” “Kairi? Who are you talking about? I'm the great ninja Yuffie!” Yuffie said. “I think you may have overdone it, Squall!” Yuffie said to the man.
“That's Leon.” he said evilly.
Sora: -as evil!Leon- I know what you did last summer.
Riku: Build a raft?
Sora: … Yes.
“Sora!” Akyra yelled, running up to him, “are you okay?”
Sora: Why am I playing the damsel in distress here?
Naminé: The real damsel in distress was on her coffee break.
“Yeah,” he said, “I guess I’m fine. Thanks for saving me from those creatures before.
Sora: FYI, I do NOT need SAVING! You see this? -summons keyblade and waves it around-
Naminé, Riku, Kairi: -ducks-
Sora: I. KEYBLADE. MASTER. NOT. PRINCESS.
What were they, anyway?”
“Sora, we’ve got some things we need to discuss,” said Yuffie,
Kairi: -as Yuffie- Namely, your characterisation. Get it fixed.
Naminé: -as Aerith- And please stop by for some lemonade. It tastes great if you put some milk in it :3
Sora: I sorta like Aerith’s lemonade D:
pointing to the Keyblade.
Kairi: -as Yuffie- That’s how the fangirls are tracking you. Have you considering switching it for a sword?
Sora: Nah. Swordblade doesn’t have the same ring to it, y’know?
“It's hard to believe, that you, of all people are the Chosen One.” Leon said, and suddenly, the Keyblade disappeared in a flash of light and reappeared in Sora's Akyra’s hands - it might as well have considering Akyra was superior to Sora in each and every way.
“Well, I guess beggars can't be choosers.” he continued, pacing to the bed.
“We don’t get it,” Akyra said in her sing- song voice.
Riku: Well basically, darling, you’ve invaded a sacred and holy fanmiverse and screwed it over immensely. Happy?
Naminé: Not until she’s eaten your brain.
Sora: And proved her madd singing skillzzz.
OMG the history of the keyblade is revealed. But we don’t care about that. We care about this bit…
“There’s still more,” Yuffie continued. “There is also something called a Staffblade,” she said, pointing this time to Akyra’s heart-like weapon.
Sora: Oh COME ON. That’s almost as bad as a Swordblade!
Kairi: And not nearly as good as a Heartblade!
Naminé: Why can’t anybody fight with, like, a slingshot or something cool like that? Not everybody has keyblades in Kingdom Hearts, you know.
Sora: Or lexiconblades.
Kairi: Or chakramblades.
Riku: Or gunbladeblades.
All: You say what?
Riku: Well his name is Leon Leonheart - having a gunbladeblade would be sort of fitting, y’know?
“A Staffblade,” she continued, “is a loyal weapon. It protects the Keyblade in deadly circumstances.
Sora: I believe I was fine on my own, thanks.
Riku: He’s rejected Sue number #133333333333311eleventy3! Send in the next one!
Naminé: -flounces about- Oh mai GAWD! HII, SORAKINS! I’m Chelseax Kitax Alexa Kiara Amaya III! I’ll the darknesspurityandfairylightsblade wielder!
And it always stands by the Keyblade’s side, ready to defend it. But the Staffblade also chooses its master, just like the Keyblade. But the Staffblade chooses the Key bearer’s closest friend.
Kairi, Riku: -COUGHS-
The one that it knows will never give up on the Keyblade master. The one who the Keyblade master can always count on....”
Kairi, Riku: -COUGHS AGAIN-
Donald and Goofy must find the Key bearer! Hilarity ensures.
And just in time for the next chapter, where it’s a non-stop PAR-TAY!
Riku: I have decided the Disembodied Voice is a woman.
Naminé: Why?
Riku: Only a WOMAN would be cruel enough to make a minor sit through this!
"Where to?" Akyra asked
Riku: Back to the bowels of hell where you belong!
Sora: Heh, I know it’s wrong to wish death on somebody an’ all but hey, what the heck. I hope she does anyway.
as they ran through the alleyway and into the second district, once again.
"Well," Sora answered, "we should go check out the third district, like Leon told us."
So they made their way to a gleaming door at the end of the district, fighting Heartless from time to time.
Sora: Whenever they could be bothered.
Kairi: Which was not very often.
Riku: -as Sora- OMG, I’m lyk totalli on my lunch break right now! Can’t you heartless guys, like, leave me alone for five freaking seconds? God, heartless today…
Donald and Goofy are on a balcony fighting heartless. SNIPPED.
And then…
Akyra, Sora, Donald and Goody are fighting Guard Armour. SNIPPED.
And then the sporking commences.
Eh, if you’re not all asleep by now, that is.
Once succeeded in defeating the Heartless, they noticed a blue orb, the shape of a heart,
Kairi: Take a Biology lesson. HEARTS. AREN’T. BLUE.
Sora: Last time I checked they weren’t orbs either.
Naminé: Maybe it’s a side effect of smoking?
Riku: It’s not healthy, whatever the hell it is.
hovering above of the Heartless, before floating away into the nightly sky.
Naminé: Nightly sky?
Kairi: I think it makes it sound sorta poetic…
Riku: Really? Cause I was thinking it sounded sort of stupid.
"Ahem!"
The teens whirled around and stared at the strangers for a bit. For strangers, they looked a little too strange.
Kairi: Says the girl with bright pink hair, a red skirt and a yellow top.
Naminé: OH MAI GAWD, it’s the brain ninjas!
Sora: As long as it’s nothing naga-related I’m very happy, thankyouverymuch.
A short grumpy looking duck and a very tall dog.
"Alright, which one of you has the Keyblade?" the duck asked.
Riku: These days you never can tell.
Naminé: OMG PICK ME! I HAVE DA HEARTBLADE!
Sora: OMG NUUU! I HAVE THE LIGHTBLADE!
Naminé: OMG NEIN! I HAVE THE HATBLADE!
Sora: …Hatblade?
Kairi: And thus began the story of 1000 Sues.
"Um...I do," Sora said, stepping out bravely.
Kairi: Yeah, pretty damn brave to admit you’ve got a weapon like that.
Naminé: Now the fangirls will know who to go after.
"YES! Goofy, we found the key and the wielder!"
Riku: Are Donald and Goofy fangirls too?
Sora: …As much as I hate to admit it, all signs seem to be pointing to yes…
Kairi: -as Donald- YES! We found the keyblade wielder! So… um… Can I have your autograph???!?!
"They too have been seeking the wielder of the Keyblade," a voice behind them said.
Kairi: -as Leon- Them, and all the other screaming girls waiting back at the hotel.
Sora: -as Leon- It’s getting out of hand! We have no idea where to put them!
Riku: Landfill?
They all whirled around and saw Leon and Yuffie standing there.
Sora: I’D NEVER HAVE GUESSED.
Naminé: Akyra would’ve.
Akyra convinces Donald to let her join the party.
Crap happens.
They all die.
The end.
Riku: Wow, really?
No.Riku: … BITCH.
Naminé: So who here wants to bet the voice is Larxene?