bickity bam.
yesterday was so odd.
pedro told me some odd stuff. he said he was thinking about him walking in on me fucking some guy. he then proceeds to kill the guy, then starts fucking me. while we're banging, he chokes me really hard and slaps me around and yells at me to look at the dead body on the ground. he beats me while we're fucking hardcore and forces me to stare at the body.
for some reason [through all the fucked up shit we talk to one another about, dealing with death and murder], this made me feel so sick inside. i didn't know why it gave me that feeling. it just made me feel so dirty inside. made me feel like pushing him away from me. it made me sad and disgusted at the same time. ah well. it's alright now. i seem to have gotten over it. i find it neat that we can talk to each other about anything.
i think the problem was that i feel that on some level he really does want to hurt me to get satisfaction out of it. i know he would never want to hurt me, but after hearing that, i just...wondered. i suppose it's because the other day we were...doing something, and it started to really hurt. when i mean stop, he knows i mean it, because i rarely say it unless i REALLY want him to quit doing something. so i told him to stop, and he didn't. it took me pretty much three times of telling him "stop", and then he did. i started crying. it wasn't that it hurt, it's that he didn't listen to me. he was so caught up in himself that he ignored my pleading. it made me so sad inside. and i cried, and he held me and told me it would never happen again, and pinky promised me. i know i can believe him, and i know it's just him getting caught up in the moment. ah well. i really love him.
we have such fucked up conversations, almost like we've become desensitized to certain things. i realize this isn't too healthy, but i don't know where the limit is. i'm so used to pushing certain limits. i guess i'm just a weird little girl. i try to be open-minded, not just sexually, but to all new ideas in general.
this weekend will be our five-month anniversary. i'm so glad we didn't break up during "hell week" as he likes to call it. ugh.
i want to beat up his ex girlfriend. i don't like talking much shit, but she really just is a "dumb bitch".
pedro told me some odd stuff. he said he was thinking about him walking in on me fucking some guy. he then proceeds to kill the guy, then starts fucking me. while we're banging, he chokes me really hard and slaps me around and yells at me to look at the dead body on the ground. he beats me while we're fucking hardcore and forces me to stare at the body.
for some reason [through all the fucked up shit we talk to one another about, dealing with death and murder], this made me feel so sick inside. i didn't know why it gave me that feeling. it just made me feel so dirty inside. made me feel like pushing him away from me. it made me sad and disgusted at the same time. ah well. it's alright now. i seem to have gotten over it. i find it neat that we can talk to each other about anything.
i think the problem was that i feel that on some level he really does want to hurt me to get satisfaction out of it. i know he would never want to hurt me, but after hearing that, i just...wondered. i suppose it's because the other day we were...doing something, and it started to really hurt. when i mean stop, he knows i mean it, because i rarely say it unless i REALLY want him to quit doing something. so i told him to stop, and he didn't. it took me pretty much three times of telling him "stop", and then he did. i started crying. it wasn't that it hurt, it's that he didn't listen to me. he was so caught up in himself that he ignored my pleading. it made me so sad inside. and i cried, and he held me and told me it would never happen again, and pinky promised me. i know i can believe him, and i know it's just him getting caught up in the moment. ah well. i really love him.
we have such fucked up conversations, almost like we've become desensitized to certain things. i realize this isn't too healthy, but i don't know where the limit is. i'm so used to pushing certain limits. i guess i'm just a weird little girl. i try to be open-minded, not just sexually, but to all new ideas in general.
this weekend will be our five-month anniversary. i'm so glad we didn't break up during "hell week" as he likes to call it. ugh.
i want to beat up his ex girlfriend. i don't like talking much shit, but she really just is a "dumb bitch".