(no subject)
So on the subject of birthdays, seeing as mine is only 5 days away, I would like to share my thoughts.
Birthdays used to be such a fun time for me when I was a kid. I loved the decorations, the cake, and the friends that always came to the party. My mum would buy me these awesome cakes with whatever cartoon character I was obsessed with at the time, and my grana would decorate the house like it was carnivale or something.
These days, birthdays seem kinda pointless and dull. I haven't done anything special for my birthday in years. The exception being the trip to Dedo last year with a couple of friends. That trip to El Paso was the only thing I have done in years for my birthday. And so the time comes again, another year older andthe more bitter I have become with age.
So, this year, I planned nothing special of my own, I wanted nothing, I asked for nothing. My boyfriend has taken it upon himself to plan a party with his family because his brothers birthday is the day before mine, and it would be nice for all of us to celebrate together. But, this is being set up with my honest to gods dissaproval. I don't want anything. I find the celebration of my accidental birth to be kind of stupid.
Let me break it down for you.....
In Decemeber, a week and a half before Christmas, my current boyfriend told me he had no idea what he wanted and left me, taking his 4 year old son with him. He ripped out my heart and made me cry like I haven't cried in years. I am so deeply in love with this person, but that is for later. So, after this break up, I went home. Home to Wes Virginia. An 1800 and some mile drive across the most boring states in the Unites States of America. I cried and drank, and took pills, and acted as wrecklessly as I could to dull the pain of my loss. I was there for two and a half months wallowing in my misery and self loathing. I spent Christmas alone, and His birthday alone. I had so many things planned for those two particular events and it just turned me off to the fucking holiday forever. Holidays are fucking pointless indeed.
The thing that topped it off is that I bought him this Bass Guitar for Christmas, and a 1 of 50 Deftones signed poster "Special Edition". Yeah, such a sweetheart aren't I? Whatever. So, to the point.
While I was home waloowing in depression and thoughts of how worthless I am, my mother revealed a secret to me. I am a bastard child of a man my mother dated for a couple of months. So, the father I hated all my life for leaving my mother with two children isn't my father at all. See, he adopted me when I was 16 months old. So, not only am I a bastard child, but an accident, and then the man who adopted me so " lovingly" ran out because he didn't want children at all! Yeah. Then to top all of this information off, my mother tells me it's not a big deal and I shouldn't be upset about it. I am about to turn 24 and my mother never thought of telling me this earlier!!!!
So, I am not of German or Irish decent like I thought, and there are medical conditions in my real families past that I know not of, and I have no fucking clue where I come from. Another twist to this amazing story is; my aunt, an alcoholic lazy ass told me all my life that my mother had me from a different man than my "father". Well, thinking she's full of shit and lying out her ass, as she often does, I blew it all off. My bible thumping picture of chastity and virtue MOTHER wouldn't lie to me! HA! Well, she did and then told me later what an accident I was, but how she is grateful for it now. I don't give a fucking rats ass how goddamn grateful she is NOW. She told me I was an accident.
Now tell me...
Why should I celebrate a day that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place? I honestly see nothing to celebrate. My birth was a fucking accident, a pain in my mothers ass, a fucking problem. Jesus H Christ, I don't want to celebrate it now more than ever. There is no reason to be happy about it, and no reason to celebrate getting older. You are born and you die.
Birthdays used to be such a fun time for me when I was a kid. I loved the decorations, the cake, and the friends that always came to the party. My mum would buy me these awesome cakes with whatever cartoon character I was obsessed with at the time, and my grana would decorate the house like it was carnivale or something.
These days, birthdays seem kinda pointless and dull. I haven't done anything special for my birthday in years. The exception being the trip to Dedo last year with a couple of friends. That trip to El Paso was the only thing I have done in years for my birthday. And so the time comes again, another year older andthe more bitter I have become with age.
So, this year, I planned nothing special of my own, I wanted nothing, I asked for nothing. My boyfriend has taken it upon himself to plan a party with his family because his brothers birthday is the day before mine, and it would be nice for all of us to celebrate together. But, this is being set up with my honest to gods dissaproval. I don't want anything. I find the celebration of my accidental birth to be kind of stupid.
Let me break it down for you.....
In Decemeber, a week and a half before Christmas, my current boyfriend told me he had no idea what he wanted and left me, taking his 4 year old son with him. He ripped out my heart and made me cry like I haven't cried in years. I am so deeply in love with this person, but that is for later. So, after this break up, I went home. Home to Wes Virginia. An 1800 and some mile drive across the most boring states in the Unites States of America. I cried and drank, and took pills, and acted as wrecklessly as I could to dull the pain of my loss. I was there for two and a half months wallowing in my misery and self loathing. I spent Christmas alone, and His birthday alone. I had so many things planned for those two particular events and it just turned me off to the fucking holiday forever. Holidays are fucking pointless indeed.
The thing that topped it off is that I bought him this Bass Guitar for Christmas, and a 1 of 50 Deftones signed poster "Special Edition". Yeah, such a sweetheart aren't I? Whatever. So, to the point.
While I was home waloowing in depression and thoughts of how worthless I am, my mother revealed a secret to me. I am a bastard child of a man my mother dated for a couple of months. So, the father I hated all my life for leaving my mother with two children isn't my father at all. See, he adopted me when I was 16 months old. So, not only am I a bastard child, but an accident, and then the man who adopted me so " lovingly" ran out because he didn't want children at all! Yeah. Then to top all of this information off, my mother tells me it's not a big deal and I shouldn't be upset about it. I am about to turn 24 and my mother never thought of telling me this earlier!!!!
So, I am not of German or Irish decent like I thought, and there are medical conditions in my real families past that I know not of, and I have no fucking clue where I come from. Another twist to this amazing story is; my aunt, an alcoholic lazy ass told me all my life that my mother had me from a different man than my "father". Well, thinking she's full of shit and lying out her ass, as she often does, I blew it all off. My bible thumping picture of chastity and virtue MOTHER wouldn't lie to me! HA! Well, she did and then told me later what an accident I was, but how she is grateful for it now. I don't give a fucking rats ass how goddamn grateful she is NOW. She told me I was an accident.
Now tell me...
Why should I celebrate a day that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place? I honestly see nothing to celebrate. My birth was a fucking accident, a pain in my mothers ass, a fucking problem. Jesus H Christ, I don't want to celebrate it now more than ever. There is no reason to be happy about it, and no reason to celebrate getting older. You are born and you die.