shedding the unnecessary
I haven't been on livejournal long enough that everything has changed. Or is it just me?
I'm having a hard time with this whole school thing. That is, I enjoy what I am doing in school, mostly, and I appreciate the conceptual agreement that I will receive a higher degree that will enable me to get better jobs, higher salaries, conduct bigger ensembles, and sing in bigger concert halls, however this thing called the "present moment" is becoming more and more important to me. It's hard to define, but I'm beginning to appreciate it, even value it, and wanting to fill it with nice things such as good conversations, great friends, meaningful relationships, salads with pine nuts, spontaneous music making, and ice cream. This is really hard to do when I have at least ten momentous tasks hanging over my head at any given time, which is essentially what grad school is all about. It's like - people say "have a good weekend," and I don't even understand what they mean anymore. I feel like saying, "Do you know what I do? or even who I am?" obviously not. and it's only the first week...
crap.
Well, in other respects I'm doing quite well. I am somehow completely changed after my summer of little journeys, including listening retreat, burning man, community workshop, san diego, LA and shaving my head - not at all in that order. And yet I feel cliche and weird saying I've completely changed, because of course that isn't really true, and yet it is. I seem to be lacking some part of my mind that I could really do without anyway, meaning it didn't serve me anymore and was essentially part of my ego, but in some respects I miss it. Like it helped me relate to people in a way that was normal and sane. oh well! it's gone along with my multi-colored hair, in someone else's bathroom trashcan. maybe it'll grow back?
i hope not.
I'm having a hard time with this whole school thing. That is, I enjoy what I am doing in school, mostly, and I appreciate the conceptual agreement that I will receive a higher degree that will enable me to get better jobs, higher salaries, conduct bigger ensembles, and sing in bigger concert halls, however this thing called the "present moment" is becoming more and more important to me. It's hard to define, but I'm beginning to appreciate it, even value it, and wanting to fill it with nice things such as good conversations, great friends, meaningful relationships, salads with pine nuts, spontaneous music making, and ice cream. This is really hard to do when I have at least ten momentous tasks hanging over my head at any given time, which is essentially what grad school is all about. It's like - people say "have a good weekend," and I don't even understand what they mean anymore. I feel like saying, "Do you know what I do? or even who I am?" obviously not. and it's only the first week...
crap.
Well, in other respects I'm doing quite well. I am somehow completely changed after my summer of little journeys, including listening retreat, burning man, community workshop, san diego, LA and shaving my head - not at all in that order. And yet I feel cliche and weird saying I've completely changed, because of course that isn't really true, and yet it is. I seem to be lacking some part of my mind that I could really do without anyway, meaning it didn't serve me anymore and was essentially part of my ego, but in some respects I miss it. Like it helped me relate to people in a way that was normal and sane. oh well! it's gone along with my multi-colored hair, in someone else's bathroom trashcan. maybe it'll grow back?
i hope not.