i had to..p.s it's long-just a warning..
Well, I know I said I wasn't going to update as frequent anymore, but this just grabbed at me and I had to get it down.
So I was just talking to my mom and as you all know, she's just crazy. We live crazy lives together, but sometimes we can meet on the same page to have a pretty good conversation. This one was a little touching. She was in an accident about almost 12 years ago, she flew out of her front windshield into a tree and when the ambulance came, the had to revive her 4 times. That means she died 4 times and they brought her back to life. How can someone just die 4 times and come back to life? A fucking miracle..?
So we just had gotten into the conversation, and we talked about how as soon as she got out of her coma she called for me, my name. She didn't remember anyone else but me. Why me? To this day I will never know, but I know that she is here for a reason, and I'm here for her. I'm the only one that can put up with her these days. And if you are close to me, you know what I mean. No one on her side of the family talks to her anymore. They just don't care, and they don't want to put up with her. So when I visit some of them, mostly just one of my aunts, she asks me why I still live with her and why I still put up with her. I can never answer the question, but the same thought goes through every time; she only remembered me when she woke up. It's like I NEED to take care of her. I NEED to be here. She needs ME because, to put it simply, I AM THE ONLY ONE SHE HAS.
Eventually I will be gone, moved out, and moving on with my own life, but I just can't do it so quickly. It's not that I can't, I just won't. I feel like a baby, but I can't just leave her. As ridiculous as she can get, I won't do it. When we started having this conversation, the first thing she said is "I'm sick of being alone." And I didn't really think about that until I thought that I don't like to be alone either. It's sick how someone's life can be based solely on not wanting to be alone and searching for that person to share your life with. And it could take forever to find that person. I consider myself lucky that I've found that person.
After we were done talking, I thought long and hard about a lot of things. The most important thing is I need to take care of my mom. No one can quite grasp her all the way or understand her. But somehow I do, and I'm the only one who tries, and will for as long as I have to. All I can think is, she will never leave me, so I can't leave her. Physically yes, but, I will always be here for her. Even if she didn't get into that accident I would, but this is different, because it's not like for example going away to college. I couldn't just be like I'm going away to college, bye. I think I needed to stay with her for a little bit longer, she has no one else.
I need to be here now. And I'm O.K with that.
I'm done now. Thank you for taking the time out to read this..if you did.
So I was just talking to my mom and as you all know, she's just crazy. We live crazy lives together, but sometimes we can meet on the same page to have a pretty good conversation. This one was a little touching. She was in an accident about almost 12 years ago, she flew out of her front windshield into a tree and when the ambulance came, the had to revive her 4 times. That means she died 4 times and they brought her back to life. How can someone just die 4 times and come back to life? A fucking miracle..?
So we just had gotten into the conversation, and we talked about how as soon as she got out of her coma she called for me, my name. She didn't remember anyone else but me. Why me? To this day I will never know, but I know that she is here for a reason, and I'm here for her. I'm the only one that can put up with her these days. And if you are close to me, you know what I mean. No one on her side of the family talks to her anymore. They just don't care, and they don't want to put up with her. So when I visit some of them, mostly just one of my aunts, she asks me why I still live with her and why I still put up with her. I can never answer the question, but the same thought goes through every time; she only remembered me when she woke up. It's like I NEED to take care of her. I NEED to be here. She needs ME because, to put it simply, I AM THE ONLY ONE SHE HAS.
Eventually I will be gone, moved out, and moving on with my own life, but I just can't do it so quickly. It's not that I can't, I just won't. I feel like a baby, but I can't just leave her. As ridiculous as she can get, I won't do it. When we started having this conversation, the first thing she said is "I'm sick of being alone." And I didn't really think about that until I thought that I don't like to be alone either. It's sick how someone's life can be based solely on not wanting to be alone and searching for that person to share your life with. And it could take forever to find that person. I consider myself lucky that I've found that person.
After we were done talking, I thought long and hard about a lot of things. The most important thing is I need to take care of my mom. No one can quite grasp her all the way or understand her. But somehow I do, and I'm the only one who tries, and will for as long as I have to. All I can think is, she will never leave me, so I can't leave her. Physically yes, but, I will always be here for her. Even if she didn't get into that accident I would, but this is different, because it's not like for example going away to college. I couldn't just be like I'm going away to college, bye. I think I needed to stay with her for a little bit longer, she has no one else.
I need to be here now. And I'm O.K with that.
I'm done now. Thank you for taking the time out to read this..if you did.