What do you want?
Hello. My name is Ashlee Eva Alexa Haggerty. (as if you didn't know) I'm 27 years old and just now discovering what living is. Whether you classify one as an adult at 18 or 21, I've been at it for a good 6-9 years. Because I was first married shortly after my 18th birthday, I'm going to go with 9. Nine years is a long time, and a lot can happen in 9 years. That's 3285 days. 78,840 hours. 4,730,400 minutes. (give or take a few ;)
In the past 9 years I have been married and divorced. I have loved and lost. Suprised & dissapointed. I can't express the amount of times I've felt I *really* got it. I've found faith and I've found doubt. But everytime I think I understand my life, something new happens. In 9 years I have saught after, found, and lost love. In 9 years I have lost and found myself many times.I've lost a parent, fallen in love twice, chased silly dreams. I've decided who I am and what I like only to be followed by a change of opinion. I've done a lot of things for approval of others, approval of my parents, approval of society, approval of God, and approval of the one whom I loved. Looking back on the past near decade I see myself and what I've been through and shake my head wondering "Just WHAT was I thinking" at various times.
Throughout my life I think the single hardest question anyone could ever ask me is "What do you want?". Seem simple to you? If so, I envy you. I've always known what everyone else wanted for themselves, and I've certainly known what they wanted me to want/have/do - but asking me to choose is terrifying. It's not that I just don't want to tell others the cravings inside of me. It's quite literally that when asked that question I go blank. "Where do you want to eat?" Blank. "What's your ideal occupation" Blank. "What's you deepest desire/fear?" Blank. Of course, whenever asked "What's your dreamcar?", I have no problems relaying that Volvos and I have a deep heartfelt committment to eachother. Is it possible, that for so long, I've been so focused on what others want, what's expected of me, what's proper - that I've lost my own voice? And in the rare times where I do know what I want, I don't have the confidence to stand up to those people trying to force my hand, and tell them what i feel is best for me. Have I lost the ability to know myself well enough to know the longings of my heart? This reminds me of a quote to one of my favorite movies, The Notebook.
"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT? "
I was watching listening to a sermon on the internet the otherday and the preacher man asked the audience to reflect on lifes accomplishments. I've thought about this various points in my life, and in the past have always drawn a blank. I assumed since I have a failed marriage/no career/no family under my belt I hadn't achieved anything at all. But for the first time in my life I realize that my achievements are overflowing. I may not have a career and piece of paper saying I'm skilled in one thing or another, but I have self worth. I like who I am. In the past nine years, I've loved and helped. There are accomplishments - impacts - I've made on people that I don't even known about. I've been around my mountain learning the lessons set before me. Sometimes just one short trip, and others it took me many trips around to get right. In the past nine years I've finetuned my heart. I've opened it up, and helped repair it. I've been embarrassed by choices I've made, but with determination I have eliminated my desire/temptation to committ them again. I may not have a lot of accomplishments on the outside, but on the inside - in the deepest part of me, i've found a peace. A peace that makes me smile and look forward to my life.