Grief.
this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and I need help. My emotions are so out of wack lately, I feel bipolar. Some days I think I can handle it, and some days all I can do is sleep. And some days I cry furiously until i can't breathe. If it wasn't for the support in Doug that I have I'm sure I'd be in the same Pajamas under the covers not eating, not functioning. Yesterday was my first day back to work, and although they didn't mean it badly, it felt like I was wearing a sign "Rip open my heart here" because of all the questions, and of course they want to tell me their story about someone they knew that died.
I don't want to be but I am so angry at God. I am even having trouble praying at all. My prayers mostly consist of, "God I am so angry at you, I'm sorry if I am not supposed to be, I hope you give me grace because that's all I can say to you right now". I know people go through worse tragedies all the time, and I should be thankful for the good things, but there is so much trauma I've had throughout my life, things I don't talk about, I'm so mad at him for letting this happen to me. And I am so mad at him for letting this happen to my dad. He could have saved him, but he didn't. If I didn't believe god could save his life it wouldn't be so hard, but I know that he could have. I probably sound like a lunatic at this point, but I know that even when I sound crazy you guys love me and I'm thankful for that.
Mostly I wish it was anyone elses dad but mine. I realize that's a horrible thing to say. But whatever it makes me, It's still how I feel. My life doesn't work without him in it, and I feel like i need to pretend that I'm moving along fine and whatever just because people are worried about me. If they think things are fine, they won't worry.