Whats wrong with me

Feb 04, 2004 18:24

What is wrong with me? I feel so unloved and unattractive. I feel like no one wants to be with me or love me the way I want to be loved. This whole Jacob thing has gone to my head, and I dont need him, I know that, but I long for him, or someone that can replace him. I dont really understand what I'm feeling, and I hate that. I see everyone around me and they seem soooo happy and at peace with themselves, and I'm wondering, what the hell did I do to feel so crappy? I mean, do I deserve all of this all at once. It feels like I have this longing, this need, that I cant seem to receive. How come everyone else can get their craving, their thing that helps them be happy in life, and I cant. I'm not saying that I cant live without a guy, but when Jacob is off asking out another girl, and I'm sitting here, still not moving on, it makes me look like the weak one. Maybe I am weak though, because all this time I couldnt see what was right in front of my eyes: guys are all the same to me. They use me for whatever alterior motive they have, and I dont get it. As much as I say I understand, I dont, and I dont let these things go. I keep on pushing until I get more upset, and by that time, I'm completely broken. I dont want to feel broken anymore, I dont wanna feel like I have to give myself to guys to make me feel loved. I dont want to feel helpless, like a small child who doesnt know where their parents are. I want to find my own way, even if that means without a guy, I just want to be happy, even if I share that happiness with only myself. I want to forget about Jacob, because it hurts every time I think about him. I dont know anymore, because I've been confused for about three months now, so maybe I'm talking crazy. I dont know, because I dont even know myself anymore.
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